by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

WWE Leader, and it would seem they’ve finally taken out the Tough Enough logo and put in the Experience Logo. You know, I think I preferred Tough Enough.

We go straight to the opening, no Pyro, and we are welcomed to Fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada (W/ Famous Diamond sign!) Later tonight, the US Championship is on the line with a rematch from Judgment Day.

Eddie Guererro is out in his Low Rider (“Bad ‘37” reads the license plate.) Cole oversells the fact that Eddie dropped a gallon of blood at the PPV. Eddie has a black bag as he poses in the ring. Eddie gives us an “Orale!” and even though he lost a little blood on Sunday, he feels good because he’s still the champ! He says that Bradshaw took a lot of things on Sunday, but he didn’t take the title. Eddie, on the other hand, decided to take a little souvenir home with him, and pulls Bradshaw’s blood stained (Eddie’s blood) Stetson out of the bag. Eddie cuts to the chase and says that Bradshaw had better invest in bandages, IV’s, and other medical supplies, cause Eddie is going to hurt Bradshaw and won’t be satisfied until he pins him 1-2-3 in the middle of the ring TONIGHT! He sends out the call…

And John “Bradshaw” Layfield answers. He’s out in his limo, asks Eddie if he heard him right, and then gives him his answer: “No!” You see, Bradshaw did what he set out to do Sunday: He beat Eddie. The record books will forever state that. So Bradshaw wants what’s rightfully his: the Championship. He demands that Eddie hand deliver the title to him, to give him what he deserves. Eddie says that he’ll give Bradshaw what he deserves all right; he’ll give him a solid ass kicking.

Kurt Angle takes this moment to interject himself in the proceedings. He proclaims that it’s official: Everyone has lost their minds! Short and sweet of it is He rejects Eddies request for a 1-on-1 match, but makes a 6-Man tag featuring Eddie, Rob Van Dam, and Rey Mysterio vs. Bradshaw and the Dudley Boyz. Play Kurt’s music and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Rico and Charlie Haas (W/ Jackie) are out. Charlie is still unwilling to walk the runway. The FBI are out (Johnny the Bull kicks the Runway as they pass) and, with the exception of some Nunzio rib wrapping, they seem fully recovered from their savage beatings from the Undertaker and Booker T. Oh, and this is a non-title match.

Charlie and Johnny start. Lockup, and Charlie swats Johnny’s ass to put him off guard. Charlie goes in but receives a kick to the gut and they brawl around for a bit. Tag to Rico, who gets taken down, but reverses into a strange leglock/armbar that leaves Johnny’s arm sticking out and gives Tazz the opportunity to tell us he’s got a big dick. Rico plays around some more, Tag to Nunzio, who gets taken down and ridden like a pony. Nunzio decides to stop fucking around and get serious. Rico takes a beating, and Nunzio has a leg. Johnny charges in to get a clothesline, but Rico ducks down and Johnny runs into a Charlie right hand. Rico dives for the tag, and Charlie is a BALL O FAR! Knocking everyone down. Johnny trips Charlie up and Jackie gets up on the apron to talk trash to Nunzio. Nunzio looks to kiss Jackie, but Rico switches spots with Jackie and Nunzio takes the Greco-roman lip lock. As Rico flying presses Johnny on the outside, Charlie gets a disgustipated Nunzio into a German suplex into a bridge and the pin. Champs Celebrate, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and as 4 amateur porn stars gyrate behind Tazz and Cole as they go through still frames of Chavo’s win over Jackie.

Backstage, and Los Chavito’s talk about their strategy going into their triple threat match later, (The two of them against Spike Dudley for the Cruiserweight title.) Chavo starts getting defensive when it looks like Chavo Classic will actually contend for the title, but Classic switches gears and lets him know he’s just playing with him. Chavo says he’s gotta get ready and heads out, but Classic gives us an evil scheming look.

Elsewhere, and Rene Dupree is WALKING! His match against John Cena is NEXT!

Back, and WHOA! Kidman is on my screen! I check my watch and yes, it is indeed Thursday night. His opponent tonight is Akio.

Bell rings, they circle once, and Mordecai, all resplendent in white and funky looking cross in hand, interrupts their match. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to lug it into the ring, as there is a handy cross stand there on the ramp. Mordecai gets in the ring and starts to disrobe, but as he’s occupied with this, Kidman and Akio decide to attack. Good initiative, but bad judgment, boys. Mordecai tosses the both of them around like rag dolls and Kidman takes the Crucifix powerbomb. Mordecai proceeds to give us his best moon man gaze at the funky cross when we…

Jump cut to Bradshaw getting his pre match examination in the back. Ooo, smell the ratings!

And ok, I lied, Cena vs. Dupree is actually NEXT!

Back, and Tazz comments on how having 18,000 at Judgment Day is off the chart. Oh yeah, that really stacks up next to Wrestlemania III, there, Tazz.

Backstage, and Bradshaw is finished with his examination. He then gets in the Doc’s face and tells him that Eddie is going to talk about all the injuries that he’s sustained, but not to believe any of it, because Eddie is a liar. Doc gives us a total, “ok, whatever, just get out, asshole!” look.

Out, and Rene Dupree (W/ Fifi the pink toenailed poodle. I’m not kidding. The poodle’s toenails are painted friggin PINK!) is out to challenge John Cena for the United States Championship.

Circle, lockup, break. Lockup, Cena gets the better of it, and Rene retreats to the ropes. Cena gets an Arm Drag and Rene begs off. Chain wrestling follows, and Cena gets a quick rollup for 2. Slap to Rene, and Rene goes in for a side headlock, gets a shoulderblock, but Cena catches him when he tries for a cross body. Cena controls for a minute or so with headlocks. Both men running the ropes, both men looking to cross body and both men kit the mat hard. Apparently they are going to be down for a bit, so we go to the commercial.

Soul Plane: Starts Friday, May 28^th. On video, June 15^th.

Back, and it looks like they’ve livened things up a bit as Rene is taking it to Cena, giving him a gut shot and sending him into the steel ringpost. Rene trying to work on the shoulder, but Cena fights out, but walks into a reverse armbar to the bad shoulder. Rena covers, but Cena kicks out. Cena trying to fight again, but Rene locks in another arm bar. When Cena doesn’t give up, he gets a couple more knees to the shoulder and locks it back in again.  Cena makes the ropes, but Rene simply drags him back to the center of the ring. More armbars, and Rene working on the shoulder. Rene going for shoulderblocks on Cena’s shoulder, but Cena uses Rene’s momentum to carry him over into a back body drop. Cena has the momentum back and controls with some more one armed Back Body Drops. Cena brawling on Rene in the ring, Rene stumbles out, Cena goes out and drags him back. Rene bails out the other side and gets a brief advantage where he tries to powerbomb Cena through the announce table, but Cena reverses into a backdrop on the floor. Rene gets up and goes for the French flag, but Cena intercepts him, smashes the flag over Rene’s back. Cena throws the flag across the ring and the Ref goes to dispose of it. Cena tries to throw a right, but Rene gets a kick in the nuts in and rolls into the ring. As Cena writhes in pain on the floor, the Ref counts to 10, giving Rene a count out win over the US Champ. John crawls into the ring, but Rene grabs him and hits the snow plow, gives us the gay, gay dance of French manliness, and we’re out.

Back, and after reminding us that there’s a big 6-Man match later tonight, Tazz and Cole promise and deliver footage from Judgment day of Eddie getting his DEVASTATING chair shot on Eddie. No blood tho.

But right now, it’s time for the triple threat match for the Cruiserweight championship. Chavo Jr. and Chavo Classic come out together, Spike Dudley is out on his own.

Match starts with a quick bit of keep away by Spike, but Los Chavito’s corner him and commence the double team. Jr. and Classic taking turns beating on Spike until Spike gets a kick on Jr. in, tosses Classic out of the ring, and stomps on Chavo in the corner. Classic trips Spike up, tho, and it’s back to doubleteaming. Spike gets a smidge of offense in and is able to toss Chavo, and Classic takes advantage with a rollup that gets 2. Jr. gives a bit of WTF? For a microsecond, but it’s back to the double-teaming soon enough. Spike comes back soon enough and gets on a roll, hitting his headlock/ leg scissors combo, clotheslining Classic out of the ring, giving Jr. the Atomic Drop, Dudley Dawg, and cover for 2. Classic is back in the ring, and Spike dropkicks Classic, who falls back on his son and takes just a little too long to get up. How long is too long? Long enough for the ref to count 1-2-3 and crown Chavo Classic your NEW Cruiserweight champion. Chavo Jr. can’t believe it, Classic can’t believe it, Tazz and Cole can’t believe it, Spike is nowhere to be found, but I’m sure he doesn’t believe it either. Classic celebrates, Chavo is tortured, and we go to the Raw Rebound.

Back from that, and Funaki, Smackdown! #1 announcer! Has the ear of Booker T. He asks him the question on the minds of Smackdown fans everywhere: is Booker afraid of Undertaker? Booker tells him to tell him he didn’t just say that. He says that it’s Undertaker that’s afraid of Booker, and says that he’ll take out anyone on the roster, starting with Funaki, right now. Funaki says, “Tell me you did not just say that!” and gets a fast punch in with the microphone before Booker can attack. Booker is stunned on the ground as Funaki takes off and we go to commercial. Amusing stuff here. Not gutbustingly hilarious, just amusing.

Back and Funaki is in the ring. Booker T comes out with hate in his eyes. Lockup, and Booker starts with some knees to the midsection. Booker stomping Funaki down in the corner, then drags him to the middle of the ring for knife-edge shops. Funaki comes back with a couple dropkicks, a bulldog, a dropkick to the head, and cover gets 2. Funaki keeping the heat on (crowd even busts out a Funaki chant here,) but Booker comes back with a thrust kick to the head. Sidewalk slam, and Booker covers for 2. Rear chinlock, and Booker tries to charge Funaki in the corner, but Funaki comes back with a boot to the head (yaa yaa!) and gets a brief flurry of offense before getting knocked down by Booker again. Booker locks in another chinlock, but Funaki (who’s nose is bleeding at this point) fights his way out. Funaki’s momentum is stopped by a Booker kick to the face. One axe kick later, and Booker stands victorious.

We barely have time to do an “Earlier Tonight” of Rene’s post match beatdown on Cena and find out that they will be tussling yet again next week in a Lumberjack Match when we are cut to back stage and we find Eddie out cold, doctors tending to him, and Bradshaw screaming that he wants his title belt with steel chair in hand. Bradshaw is ushered out, and we go to commercial.

Coming out of the East, with the fighting spirit of the gods, he’s coming, Kenzo Suzuki. Can someone please tell me what he’s saying? I know it’s something along the lines of “Watch out! Here I come!” but exact wording would be nice.

Back, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is out for his team first. No pyro this week for The Dudley Boyz as they make their entrance. Rey Mysterio Jr. pops up, and waits for Rob Van Dam to join him before getting in the ring. There’s a moment of awkwardness as we wait on who will come out next. Kurt Angle’s music hits and he comes out with some bad news. Kurt accuses Eddie of faking an injury to duck out of his match tonight. So he tells him to come out any time, but the match will begin right now. RVD and Rey give us, “Well, what can we do?” and get in the ring.

Rey and D-Von start. D-Von talks trash as Bubba sneak attacks. Bubba gets a knockdown and tags J”B”L in. Bradshaw works Rey over in the corner, goes for a big boot, but Rey slides under, and gets a couple spinning heel kicks, causing Bradshaw to tag out to D-Von. D-Von runs into some high flying offense, ending with a DDT. Tag to RVD, who falls prey to Mortonitis and starts getting beat down. Quick tags have all 3 heels going in and out of the ring. Bubba goes for a cover, but Rey dropkicks him to break it up. Quick tag to Bradshaw, and the quick tag out offense from the heels takes over again. Bradshaw is back in the ring as RVD comes back with a couple kicks to Bradshaw’s face. Slow crawl, but tag is made to Rey, who flies all over Bradshaw, hitting a DDT and dropping the Dime, but only getting 2 on the cover. Rey gets tripped up by Bubba, and Bradshaw takes over with a few clubbing blows. Bradshaw with the Powerbomb attempt, but Rey slugs Bradshaw in the head a couple times and gets a head scissors to send Bradshaw into the ropes. Rey hits the 6-1-9, RVD gets the assist with a 5-star frogsplash, and Rey covers, but Bubba reaches in to drag him off and pummel him on the outside. Everyone is out at this point, so we take our FINAL commercial break!

Back, and Bradshaw holds as D-Von comes in with a shot to Reys ribs. During the Break, RVD ate a 3-D on the outside, so he’s completely out of the action. Rey takes a whip and springboards into a reverse DDT on D-Von. Rey’s advantage doesn’t last long tho, and Rey catches a D-Von clothesline. D-Von with the delayed suplex and he tags Bradshaw in. Bradshaw gets an abdominal stretch just as “Viva la Rasa!” hits and Eddie is out just in the nick of time. Eddie is psyched to get in the ring, but he needs to be tagged. Bradshaw cinches the ab stretch in a little more, and then sends Rey to the ropes with the intention to give the big boot. Rey has other ideas, tho, and ducks and kicks Bradshaw in the face in one smooth motion. Bradshaw quickly tags Bubba in and he tries toying with Rey, but Rey gets an Enziguri and both men make the slow crawl to get the tag. Eddie and D-Von get tagged in at the same time, and Eddie is on fire! Bradshaw is knocked off the apron, Bubba gets the same, and D-Von gets the 3 Amigo’s Vertical Suplexes. Eddie comes back up all fired up, but staggers, looks woozy, then hits the deck, hard. Nobody knows what to make of this. Brian Hebner tries to get through to Eddie. Bradshaw capitalizes, blind tags his way in, demands Hebner count the pinfall (which he fast counts, in order to get Bradshaw off Eddie), and Bradshaw now has a pinfall victory over Eddie to gloat over. We fade out with EMT’s coming to Eddie’s aid.

Well, it looks like Smackdown is starting to come back to life again. But it’s like an old ’57 Chevy that’s being refurbished: it’s broken down, fixes are being done here and there, and it’s still running really rough. It has all the tools to shine and be a classic, it’s just going to take a lot of work to get it there.

In afterthought, it would seem that the only reason that WWE even put on the PPV last Sunday was so that they could have Eddie give us the blood bath without having the network censors go apeshit, with said blood bath serving as nothing more than a plot point for tonight. Otherwise, the rest of the PPV might as well not have happened, as Jackie could have replaced Spike tonight and the outcome still been the same with no one caring all the more or less, Rene/Cena is still in the exact same spot it was last week, as well as the Dudz/RVD-Rey and Booker T/Undertaker. The Tag title picture is in “monster-of-the-week” mode, and Mordecai could have debuted tonight just as easily as at Judgment Day.

If this is what WWE is going to be serving us up with this new expanded PPV schedule, I say that they need to cut PPV’s out instead of putting more in. Tonight’s show was a perfectly serviceable show, it’s just that without the little recap segments all through the show, you would have never known that one of the cheapest PPV’s (in quality, that is) in recent memory happened on Sunday, and that’s the sad thing.

I’m taking next week off, so see ya beginning of June!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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