by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

5-Minute out bumper: Booker T is gonna shock the world! But remember, Booker: When you go knocking on death’s door, be prepared for an early grave.

WWE mourns the loss of Jim Dudley: the original Bad, Bad Leroy Brown.

WWE leader, And last week, Paul Heyman gave some tough love to the Duds, who in turn, gave some tough love to Paul Bearer.

Opening (is it just me, or in that one scene, does it look like Bradshaw is taking a piss?), Pyro, and we are Live (taped) from the Air Canada Centre in Toronto, Ontario, Canada. Later tonight, Booker T and Undertaker go head to head, Eddie Guererro will see action, and we’ll get plenty of T&A.

But to start us off, Booker T is out to the ring and he’s got a mic. Booker knows he doesn’t have to justify himself to the Undertaker, and he damn sure doesn’t have to justify himself to these people, but he had nothing to do with Paul Bearer’s abduction last week. But it doesn’t matter whether Paul is here tonight or not, he’s gonna whoop undertakers ass. Booker gives us a “Can you dig that?” but is interrupted by…

John Cena, who has taken some umbrage with Booker’s interference in his match last week, and wants to settle things right here, right now. Booker politely turns him down, analyzes Cena’s gimmick, and calls him a Booker T wannabe. Cena comes back with a mocking impression of Booker, saying that Booker constantly looks like he pooped his pants. Now that’s not fair, Booker looks nothing like Sid. After the 3^rd or 4^th time he makes fart noises, I’m glad when Booker shuts him up by getting into his face. But hold it a second…

Here comes Kurt Angle (w/ Luther) and says that Cena is definitely not a Booker T wannabe, because Booker T has class, and Cena is a thug. Angle demands an apology and for Cena to leave the arena. Cena starts “Yo”ing it up and calls Luther “Lumpy” but Booker pearl harbors him. They brawl in the ring, then outside, then Cena tackles Angle out of his chair. Booker tries to go after Cena with a chair, but Cena ducks the swing and the chair meets Angles broken leg instead. Luther tosses Cena back into the ring and looks to go and kick some ass, but Angle calls him back, demands a mic, and says that he can’t wait to tell the board of Directors about this and that he’s gonna strip Cena of the title. We end this “hilarious” segment by going to commercial and playing Cena’s music.

“Viva la Rasa!” We’re back and Eddie Guererro is out for a non-title match against Danny Basham (W/ Doug Basham.)

Circle, lockup, and Headlock leads to a shoulderblock for Eddie. Eddie back with a shoulderblock, running the ropes, and hitting a dropkick, back body drop, but gets dropped out of the ring. Doug gets a cheap shot, so Eddie grabs a chair, tosses it to him, and cries foul, so the ref ejects, Doug. Eddie back in, but Danny gets the better of Eddie with a blatant choke and a back suplex. Neck vice locked in, But Eddie spins out and hits a belly-to-belly suplex. Eddie shaking the cobwebs off, but Danny with some right hands. Eddie comes back with the Three Amigo’s, but Danny counters and shoves Eddie into the ref. Danny goes for the title, but Eddie gets a swift kickinthenutz. Eddie lays Danny out with the title and then falls over himself. Tazz and Cole are wondering if Eddie is having another blood loss related incident. BUT NO! Eddie SWERVES us all and he was just playing possum. Eddie goes up, hits the frogsplash, and this fun little match is over. Eddie celebrates, and we’re off to commercials.

Back, and WWE announces that Summerslam will be in this very arena, August 15^th.

Tazz and Cole are excited about coming back to Toronto in August (the cooler weather will be divine) when The Pale Rider, Mordecai, interrupts the fun. He requests that there be a moment of silence so that he may pray for their souls, and then compares Toronto to Babylon (the more decadent years.) This gets the requisite token “boo’s” and he ends the segment with his standard moon man worship of his funky cross.

Backstage, Rico and Charlie are set to appraise Miss Jackie’s latest swimsuit. Jackie steps out from behind the curtain, drops the towel, and Rico and Charlie’s jaws follow suit. We’ll find out what it looks like later, as we’re going to commercials now.

Back, and Funaki is already in the ring to challenge for Chavo Classic (W/ Chavo Jr.)  Classic insists that Jr. cater to him (holding the ring ropes, take his robe, hold his title up.) Jr. takes the seat at the announce table and we begin the match.

Basic affair here, offense see sawing back and forth, Funaki going for some high flying stuff, Classic keeping to the power stuff. Match ends when Funaki tries to go up top and Chavo shoves him off the top, allowing Classic to get the cover and retain the title. After the match, a few girls jump the barricade and flock around Classic. Jr. applauds approvingly and we go to commercial.

Back, and backstage, Classic is being fawned over by the groupies (who, up close, get pretty scary looking.) Jr. admires his dad for being a sex symbol and heads out. Classic waits until Jr. is out of earshot, then whips out a thick wad of bills and pays the girls off. The last one (who looks to be about the same age as my mom) gets a little something extra for a visit later tonight.

In the ring, Jamie Knoble is looking rather dapper in a Tuxedo as he announces the Summer Bikini Blast Off. He calls out the contestants (Torrie, Miss Jackie, Dawn-Marie, and Sable) and we go to commercial.

Please tell me why the Wayans brothers are still working in Hollywood?

Mark McGuire. His Nickname is Big Mac. Guess what his favorite burger is! Come on! GUESS! You give up? It’s the Hardees Thickburger! Gotcha, didn’t I?

Oh yeah, there’s a bikini contest going on. Torrie’s suit makes her look like she’s nekkid as she plays in the sandbox, Dawn does a lap dance for Jamie, Sable does a dance with a towel (in a bikini I could have sworn I first saw her in back in 1999), and Miss Jackie gets wet with a provided bucket of water. Jamie polls the crowd, and declares Miss Jackie the winner. Miss Jackie’s prize is announced to be a hug and kiss from Jamie. Jackie is hesitant, but at the urging of the other divas, she gets him to close his eyes, and all 4 diva’s grab buckets of water and douse him. Jamie starts ranting, so they push him in the sand pit. Moderately amusing stuff. Made for easy recapping, at least.

Kenzo Suzuki: Next week, watch out, America!

Rene DuPree is out to take on Rey Mysterio.

Lockup and Rey forced into the corner. Rey ducks a right hand and goes to work with the dropkicks. 10-punch count along, and Rey goes to work on the knee, but Rene gets a lucky shot in with a clothesline. Cover gets 2. Elbow drop, but he lands awkwardly on the knee. Nice selling there. He picks Rey up and sets him up for a super back suplex, but Rey fights him off, and then hits a senton, dropkick, Leg-scissors into a bulldog. Rene comes back for a second, but falls prey to a drop toehold into the ropes. Rey goes for the 6-1-9, but Rene dodges, grabs Rey, and hits a powerslam. Rene does the Gay Gay Dance of French Manliness and goes for a powerbomb. Rey rolls through it, gets a sunset flip, and the 1-2-3 for the Victory. Rene can’t believe it, Rey celebrates, and we go to the Raw Rewind.

Backstage, Booker T shadowboxes and heads out for his match with Undertaker, NEXT!

Back from commercials, and here comes John “Bradshaw” Layfield. Blah, blah, blah, Eddie is a lying cheating coward, he got intentionally disqualified, he’s afraid of him, etc. Bradshaw gets to the meat of the promo by announcing the type of match that their title match will be at Great American Bash: a Texas Bullrope Match. He explains the intricacies of the match (one guy gets tied to one end, one to the other, they proceed to beat the holy hell out of each other.) he promises victory, and we are off to commercial.

Back, and we replay the Dudley’s stuffing Paul Bearer into the boot of the car from last week for the third time this show.

Booker T is out. Lights drop, the smoke envelops the ramp, purple lights come up, and “Bong!” here comes the Undertaker. He does the cool “Raise the lights” thing, rolls the eyes a few times, and is disposing of his hat when Booker T jumps him from behind to start the match. Booker gains an early advantage with brawling, but Undertaker quickly reverses a whip and lays into Booker with a massive clothesline. Booker with some token offense, but Undertaker keeps the pressure on with power moves and the occasional leg drop. Undertaker with the arm wringer, then picking Booker up in the stiff arm. Wrapping Bookers arm around the ring rope and giving it a kick. Undertaker continuing to work the arm, then going up for Old School. Booker lashes out with a kick and Undertaker takes a spill out of the ring. Both men down, and we’re off to our final commercial break.

We’re back and Booker is up top delivering a missile dropkick. Cover gets 2. Booker with the back kick, cover gets 2 again. Booker slapping on the sleeper, but Undertaker powers up, escapes, but runs right into a dropkick. Cover gets 2. Booker throwing some rights, undertaker answering with his own, Booker gets a clothesline. Booker going for a vertical Suplex. Undertaker blocks and hits one of his own. Both men back up, and it’s time to trade haymakers. Undertaker off the ropes getting a shoulderblock. Booker thrown into the ropes, Undertaker with the splash. Undertaker going for the Last Ride, Booker flips out but walks right into a goozle. Chokeslam, and Undertaker going for the cover, but…

Paul Heyman is out to stop the match. Paul says he’s going to confront Undertaker. As Paul heads down to the ring, Booker apparently takes a powder and the match is a no contest. Paul steps into the ring, and Undertaker instantly goes to choke him out. To stop him, The Dudley Boyz appear on the Smackatron and inform us that they have Paul Bearer right behind this door. D-Von holds the Urn as Bubba tells Undertaker that Bearer’s fate lies in his hands, so he can do whatever he wants, and taps the urn for effect.

Undertaker releases Heyman and Paul give him a proposition: “Join us!” Paul says that together, the four of them can be unstoppable in the WWE, and that he has one week to decide. But be warned: if he decides to NOT join them, then he’ll never see Paul Bearer again! Undertaker gives us ‘uncertainty’ and we fade to the WWE logo and we’re outta here.

Ok, decent enough show. The only two down parts, in my opinion, were Cena and the Bikini Blast Off, and both those weren’t so offensive that you felt the need to change the channel. One other thing: could they please find someone to feud Mordecai with so that he’s not just doing a “Steiner goes on a bible trip” impression?

It looks like Smackdown is getting away from the stupid they’ve been displaying the past 3 months and getting back to the proven format: good wrestling, promo’s that, you know, make sense in the wrestling world, and plotlines that don’t make me want to throw things at the screen. Yeah, the Cruiserweight division is being played for laughs right now, but they are leading up to something with this, you just know it.

Anyway, good enough show, and it didn’t make me dive for the liquor cabinet.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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