by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

WWE leader, and here’s a recap of the shenanigans featuring Paul Heyman, the Dudleys, and the Undertaker. “Join us, or you will never see Paul Bearer again!” Geez, that sounds like the GOOD part of the deal to me!

Smackdown Opening, Bradshaw still looks like he’s taking a piss, and we are Live (taped) from Long Island, Noo Yawk!  Kurt Angle is in the ring (W/ Luther). He remembers the last time he was in Long Island as the WWE Champion. The crowd booed him out of the building, but it didn’t matter, because he knew he was better than all of them. Now that he’s a cripple, he still knows he’s better than all of you; he just can’t wrestle again. He is pretty ticked off about last week and we get footage from last week of Cena ‘accidentally’ tackling him after taking a shot to the ringsteps. All that’s missing is the Keystone Kops theme. Kurt demands an apology from someone, he doesn’t care whom. This brings Booker T out, who reassures him that he never had any intention to hurt Kurt. He is so sorry, that this 5-time world champion will apologize 5 times. He says “I’m Sorry” 3 times, gets interrupted by the audience, then finishes with another 3 “I’m Sorry’s.” He shakes Kurt’s hand, and Kurt thanks him for it. He hopes Cena was watching, because it’s his turn now!

John Cena is out, and gets about half a “Yo” out before Kurt interrupts him (this gets a big pop.) Kurt demands an apology; Cena comes back with, “How about I finish what I started?” and makes to use the chain in nefarious ways, but Kurt stops him and informs him that he’s spoken with the Board of directors, and after the events of last week, Cena is now on Probation. If Cena touches him, then he’ll be stripped of the title, so now all there is to do is for Cena to apologize. Cena bows his head and says, “I’m sorry” (Angle smirks), “For absolutely NOTHING!” (Smirk disappears.) Cena goes on about how he’ll dress how he wants, say what he wants, do what he wants and takes his leave.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Angle calls after him and says that Cena gets to determine the type of match with which he’ll defend the title at Great American Bash. Tonight, he’ll face 3 different opponents (Rene DuPree, Booker T, and Rob Van Dam) for 5 minutes each. The first one to beat him will earn a shot at the US title. Angle smirks as we go to commercial.

Kenzo Suzuki: “America! * Stuff in Japanese * I will be victorious!”

Back, and Kenzo Suzuki is out on a throne carried by four guys that look like Sub-Zero from Mortal Kombat’s little brother. Oh, and he has a pretty Geisha girl in his corner. And tonight’s designated red-shirt (“Get out there and show us how the monster works!”) is Scotty 2 Hotty. Scotty bounces out, but is perplexed by Kenzo’s demeanor. He tries to attack to start, but Kenzo quickly gets the better of him with karate chops and kicks. Meanwhile, The Geisha smiles coyly from behind a fan. Scotty gets about 3 punches in and a superkick, but Kenzo comes back with a goozle, then hits a side leg sweep while driving Scotty’s head into the mat (I’ll call it “The Setting Sun” until WWE gives us a better name.) 1-2-3, and Kenzo is off to at least as good a start as Mordecai. And hey, we didn’t have to pay $35 to see it! Bonus!

Backstage, Booker, RVD, and Rene are gathered. Kurt Angle has straws, and the shortest straw goes first. Before they can draw tho, Luther kicks the cameraman out. Whoa, I thought those guys were invisible or something…

Back, and backstage, Undertaker gives us “Conflicted.”

After a long shot of the outside of the Nassau Arena, we go for a video package featuring a day in the life of John “Bradshaw” Layfield. He gets a boot shine (they gotta look good while goosestepping, you know), shave, haircut, manicure, facial, the works, all the while belittling the Hispanic workers. Back at the arena, Bradshaw arrives and proclaims himself “too pretty” for Nassau, and tells the driver to take him back to NYC. BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! The cameraman (apparently invisible again) follows him back into the car. Bradshaw pours himself some champagne and is about to dig into a ship cocktail when he realizes they aren’t moving yet. He calls the driver an idiot and tells him to get a move on. The divider window rolls down and, well WHADDAYAKNOW? It’s Eddie Guererro wearing the chauffeur’s uniform! Eddie says they aren’t going back to NYC, but they are indeed going for a ride and takes off, taking out a Honda, a dumpster, and we get the requisite woman scream as we go to commercials.

Back, and moments ago, Eddie took over the chauffeur’s position and hilarity ensued.

Backstage (actually, in a hotel room someplace that looks strangely like a backstage set,) and the Dudley’s are pretty proud of themselves, but Paul Heyman is still being a sourpuss. Bubba asks him, “Why the long face?” Paul explains why nobody has ever dared to mess with Paul Bearer before: Because Paul explains that Bearer is the only person that can control Undertaker, keep him from going too far. The Dudz let this sink in and ask what they should do. Paul says, ‘Nothing” and that he’ll go to Nassau and get the answer himself, and we’ll find out if Undertaker will say yes, or if Paul is the ‘dead man.’

Back at the arena, and Chavo Classic (w/ Scary women) is out to offer commentary on Chavo Guererro Jr.’s match against Rey Mysterio.

They trade headlocks, hammerlocks, and chain wrestling for a bit before Chavo takes a decisive advantage with a big clothesline. Chavo working Rey over on the ropes. Rey gets a body scissors into an arm drag that sends Chavo out of the ring. Rey up top and with a body press to the floor, taking Chavo out. Classic shows concern as we go to commercial.

Back, and Rey is doing the flippy floppy stuff and taking Chavo down. Chavo comes back with a dropkick and takes control, selling a bad right knee, tho. Chavo hammers Rey down, gets a back suplex, and cover gets 2. Chavo with the surfboard, then a chinlock, but Rey gives him a Boot to the Head (Yaa! Yaa!) and gets out. Rey punching and kicking Chavo down, going up top, hitting a moonsault. Classic bragging about how he invented the move, and Rey stole it from him. Chavo gets a drop toehold and gives Rey a Boot to the Head (Yaa! Yaa!) of his own. Rey back in and Chavo goes for a sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and hits a dropkick. Chavo comes back with a Gory-Bomb. Rey returns the favor with a head scissors that sets up for the 6-1-9. Classic tries to grab Rey’s ankles, but Rey kicks him off and he springboards. Chavo ducks the West Coast Pop attempt, but has a meeting of the minds with Classic.  Rey rolls Chavo up and gets the pin. Rey hightails it out of there in celebration while Chavo and Classic argue about what happened.

Raw Rewind. Rick does a better job of recapping this than WWE does…

Back in the Parking Garage, we survey the damage done. The garage workers are cleaning it up… LOOKOUT! Here comes the Limo again, it’s very banged up, smoking from under the hood, and Eddie is having a good old time crashing into everything he possibly can. Eddie drives it around a corner and Tazz and Cole ponder if he’s coming out to the ring. We’ll just have to see after these commercials.

Earlier tonight = 10 paragraphs ago.

“Viva la Rasa!” and Eddie has bashed a few more things apart since we saw him before the commercial break. Eddie jumps out, struts a bit, then opens the limo door and we see Bradshaw comatose in the back seat. Eddie gets in the ring; works the crowd a bit while Bradshaw wakes up and realizes what’s happened to himself and his limo. Eddie taunts him by telling him that his ride’s looking a little banged up, just like he’s going to look banged up after Great American Bash. Bradshaw cries for a bit, and we go to commercials.

Back, and over the weekend, the Smackdown Crew toured Europe. Wow, those Wacky Germans sure can pull off a catch phrase!

Back, and Kurt Angle is out to watch the show. John Cena is out and his first opponent in the triple play challenge is Booker T. We cat the onscreen clock starting at 5:00 and Booker T charges in and dominates with power to start. Cena ducks a charge and comes back with a clothesline to put Booker down. He gets a quick pin attempt, but Booker gets out and hits a hotshot to turn the tide back his way. Drop knee, back kick, cover gets 2. Booker slaps on a modified rear choke. At the 2-minute mark, Cena’s arm drops once, twice, Wait! Cena hulks up, gets out of the choke, runs the ropes, but runs right into a faceplanter. 1 minute left, and Booker going for the axe kick, but Cena explodes out with a clothesline. Cena kills time, but Booker comes back with a suplex. Booker poses and looks to make it a grand victory, but before the Axe kick can hit, time is up and Booker has missed his chance. Kurt tells him to get out and calls out Cena’s next opponent: Rob Van Dam. RVD makes his way to the ring and we go to commercial.

Back, and only 10 seconds have passed and RVD has gotten a couple near falls on Cena. Cena comes back with a shoulderblock and gets a near fall of his own. RVD goes for his flippy floppy stuff and keeps Cena down until a clothesline at about the 4-minute mark. They brawl for a bit, RVD with the body scissor rollup. More goofing around, and Cena goes for an FU, but RVD gets out and hits a stepover heel kick. RVD with his 5 moves of doom and is looking for a jumping sidekick when Booker jumps up and pulls him down at the 1-minute mark. Angle is furious and expels Booker from ringside. RVD recovers and hits the jumping side kick. Going to the other side and he hits the 5***** frogsplash, but he only has 5 seconds left and the bell rings as he’s overselling the move. RVD’s turn is over, and after commercials…

Rene DuPree is introduced as melodramatically as possible by Kurt. Umm, Renee, you’re letting the flag drag. Kurt tells him to hurry and he rushes the ring and begins the pummeling. A series of near falls are followed up by shoulders in the corner. Rene with the Abdominal Stretch, but Cena gets a hip toss and brawls Rene down for a bit. Rene goes after the leg and works it for a bit until Cena gets a clothesline to give him the opening for the 5-knuckle shuffle. Rene rolls out of the pin and gets a spinebuster. The count ticks down and they brawl pointlessly to the end.

Rene grabs a mic and begs for another 5 minutes, because that’s all he needs. Kurt ponders for a second, and grants his wish. They slug it out for a few seconds until Rene gets the better of him. Rene does the Gay, Gay Dance of French Manliness and looks to do… something. What it is, we’ll never know, because Cena scoops him up for a quick FU and the win.

Cena’s music plays, but Kurt puts a stop to that noise and says that because that was past the final 5-minute mark, it doesn’t count. (Wha? Ok, whatever.) Kurt then informs Cena that he’ll be defending the title at Great American Bash, but it’ll be a Fatal-Four-Way. This brings Booker out to bring the poundage to Cena, then RVD to brawl with Booker. RVD runs Booker off and it’s just he and Cena in the ring. RVD give the “I want the belt” gesture, Cena returns with “The Belt is mine and it’s going nowhere.” RVD just smiles and gives him a Boot to the Head (Yaa! Yaa!)  Mixed boo’s and cheers as RVD heads out.

Backstage, and Paul Heyman has arrived at the arena. The results of Indecision 2004 are up NEXT!

Back, and after going over the Heyman/Bearer/Dudleys/Undertaker thing AGAIN, Paul Heyman is out to the ring and advising those of us at home to hit the “Record” button, because this will be a moment in history that you’ll want to keep. In a few moments, Paul Heyman with either become the most powerful man in Sports Entertainment, or he’ll “Rest in Peace.” Paul says that if it’s the latter, then it’s been a hell of a ride and it’s been worth it. So without any further ado, “Undertaker, the world awaits your answer, RIGHT NOW!”

“BONG!” Purple lights, lots of smoke, fake lightning effects. Yup, here comes The Undertaker. ‘Taker goes through the motions, gets in the ring, stares Heyman down, s-l-o-w-l-y takes the duster off. Heyman Pulls out The Urn while Taker removes his hat and tries to use it as a ward. ‘Taker just gives him a “you gotta be kidding me” look. They stand off for a minute…

And Undertaker takes a step back, kneels down, and gives his silent affirmation that yes, he shall indeed join Heyman. Heyman is overjoyed at this, of course. Undertaker bows his head, we fade out, and we’re outta here.

You know, I wasn’t expecting much from tonight’s show, but it really overcame my low expectations. Cena wasn’t as annoying tonight, Chavo/Rey was a good match, the Triple Play Challenge was done well, and the stuff with Undertaker was a hundred times better than I was expecting. Kenzo Suzuki had a decent first night on the job, now, hopefully, they can find something to do with him. The only down part, in my opinion, was the Eddie/Bradshaw stuff, and that was harmless, mid-show fluffery.

Smackdown takes one more step up, and I stave off seppuku for another week (I don’t have a second anyway.)

See ya Next Week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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