by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

In other news: Go buy the new Beastie Boys. RIGHT NOW!

Ok, on with the wrasslin!

5-Minute out Bumper: Paul Heyman is now in control of the most powerful force on Smackdown! What does this mean? Find out, NEXT!

DAMMIT! Kurt Angle would stop by my local mall for autographs the weekend I’m going exploring caves…

WWE leader leads us straight into the Opening and we are Live (taped) with all the requisite Pyro from the Allstate arena in Sweet Home, Chicago.

Later tonight, Bradshaw puts his spin on his firing from CNBC.

There’s a Cement Mixer next to the entrance ramp. Don’t ask me why, I’m watching same as you!

Never mind that, because the Dudley Boyz are out to challenge for the Tag Team titles. The Champs Rico and Charlie Haas (W/ Miss Jackie) are out. Charlie ALMOST goes over the runway ramp, but opts out at the last second.

In the ring, Charlie and Rico chase the Dudz out of the ring real quick, but Bubba grabs one of the titles as it’s being handed out and poses with it. Charlie and D-Von start. Charlie controls with mat wrestling to start, then with clotheslines and dropkicks. Charlie goes to rope run, but Bubba low-bridges him and he spills out. Charlie rolled back in and D-Von brawling him down. Bubba in and he hits a couple chest slaps and pounds him down. Tag back to D-Von and he slaps on a chinlock. Crowd chants “We Want Tables!” and Michael Cole tries to retrain the general publics thoughts by telling us that the Dudley’s don’t need tables. Charlie gets a T-Bone suplex out of nowhere and tags Rico in. Bubba gets tagged in as well, but falls prey to a big right hand. D-Von knocked down for good measure, and a spear for Bubba, then a cover, but D-Von has the ref distracted and Bubba kicks out of the cover. Bubba back up and Rico gets double-teamed. Miss Jackie up to talk trash and Bubba goes to kiss her. Charlie is in to make the save, but Bubba dodges and Charlie knocks Jackie down instead. Bubba tries to suplex Charlie, but Charlie blocks and reverses into a German suplex of his own. Charlie goes to check on Jackie, but Rico is still in danger. Bubba sweeps Ricos legs out from under him, Bubba with the cover in the corner, using ropes for leverage, and we have NEW Tag Team Champions. Paul Heyman is out to congratulate the new Champions as we go to commercial.

Back, and Paul is still on stage. Paul congratulates the Dudleys, then goes on to say that there is still one person who didn’t see it: Paul Bearer, Because he’s still in protective custody. Paul throws it to a quick scene of ‘Taker kneeling down last week, and we are back with Paul gloating over how Undertaker is now under his control, and tonight, The Undertaker will give a demonstration of the control Paul exerts. He brags about how he got a match set up at Great American Bash: Undertaker vs. the new tag team champions, the Dudley Boyz. But no, this will not be any ordinary handicap match. You see, Paul has something special planned for Mr. Bearer. He unveils a casket that is positioned at the bottom of the cement mixers trough. At GAB, Paul Bearer is going to be put into a plexiglass room, and at the start of the match, if the Undertaker doesn’t’ “Do the right thing,” then he’s going to fill the room with cement until it reaches Paul’s chin (but which one?) If that’s not enough to motivate the Undertaker, then he’ll fill the room up and kill Paul Bearer. At this, he fills the casket with cement for effect, laughs maniacally, and we go to commercial.

Viva la Rasa! After a lingering look at the cement filled casket, Eddie Guererro is out in his low-rider du-joir. Into the ring, and he gives us a rousing “Orale!” and he tells us that he’s been watching Bradshaw’s news program all week and hasn’t seen him on it once. Turns out, Bradshaw was FIRED! Yeah, I’m just as shocked as you. Eddie says that even though Bradshaw was fired from his top shelf job last week, Eddie still gave him a hell of a limo ride. This throws us to the footage of Eddie abducting Bradshaw in his limo last week and the ensuing hilarity.

After the footage, Eddie says that Bradshaw shouldn’t wait for later tonight to make his statement and should say it to his face now. This brings out The Bashams and Oh my God! Doug has a Microphone! Doug says that Eddie may have cheated to beat Danny, but he won’t get away with it with him. Doug rushes the ring and they start it off with a lot o’ brawlin’! Brian Hebner hits the ring to make it official and we have a match. Eddie gets the better of Doug and looks to hit the 3 Amigos, But Danny is up for the distraction. Eddie looks to go kick his ass, but Doug trips him up and Hebner gets sandwiched between Eddie and Danny. While Hebner is down, Danny comes in and Eddie gets double teamed, ending with the ball-and-gag. Doug covers and Hebner comes around and counts one! Two! No! Eddie kicks out and Doug can’t believe it. Doug dragging Eddie back up, but Eddie gets a surge of energy, knocks Danny off the apron, and hits the 3 Amigos on Doug. Eddie up to the top rope, Frogsplash, and that’s it! Eddie up to celebrate, but Danny sneak attacks him. BUT the match is over, and Eddie can cheat again, so Danny gets a nutshot and Eddie goes up and hits a frogsplash on him as well.

Backstage, and John Cena is in to torment Kurt Angle and Luther. Cena taunts him real quick with the fact that he can still walk, so Kurt cuts to the chase: the Fatal 4-Way at Great American Bash is now an elimination match. This kind of spoils Cena’s day, but he gets the last laugh by accusing Kurt of wanting to be just like John Cena, gives him an “old School” ball cap, and does the “I’m not touching you!” bit. Kurt seethes, throws the hat across the room and simply repeats, “I hate him! I hate him!” as we go to commercial.

Back from commercials, and after hype for the Diva search, Josh Matthews and Funaki are having a rap battle. An extremely BAD rap battle.  Funaki punctuates his rap with some ribbing on Angle, who is sitting right behind him. Funaki apologizes profusely, but Kurt isn’t hearing any of it and tells him that he has a match tonight. His opponent? Luther Rains! Funaki shits his pants and runs off to change. Kurt tells Luther to show the world why he was hired.

Out to the ring, and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ White ninjas and Geisha) is out to show us his dominance. This weeks Red Shirt is Spike Dudley. The Geisha disrobes Kenzo this week, and the match is roughly the same as last week: total Kenzo offense, Spike gets a few random shots in, Kenzo ends it with the Setting Sun (Tazz gave us the Japanese name, but I can’t remember it.)

Up next, Bradshaw speaks!

Back, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield has gotten himself a brand spanking new limo to replace the one that got trashed last week. Bradshaw has the bullrope and carries it to the ring with him. He acknowledges that all of us commoners must be pleased as punch that he’s had a rough week. We are happy for his misfortune because he’s the guy back in high school who used to stuff you in the lockers and he’s better, richer, blah, blah, blah. He shoves the death of an American soldier in our faces and harps on the fact that Sean Penn was in Baghdad once as a guest of Saddam and it was cast in a positive light. He plays the super patriot card for a few more minutes, calling us all pathetic examples of Americans. He compares himself to Mother Teresa, and promises to win the title at Great American Bash just to shove it in our faces. He asks if Eddie even knows what a bullrope match is. He says the blood will flow and it’ll be horrific. After ranting for a few minutes more, Eddie has heard enough and rushes the ring. He grabs the rope and Bradshaw runs off, leaving Eddie’s music to play. We head to commercials.

Back, and yup, the concrete is still hardening in the casket.

Rey Mysterio is out to challenge Chavo Classic (W/ Chavo Jr.) for the Cruiserweight title.

Classic starts with a kick to the gut and a takedown, followed by a tilt-a-whirl slam and a top rope moonsault! Cover only gets 2. Classic and Rey brawl, but Rey gets the better of him, and hits the west coast pop and flows through to knock Chavo Jr. off the apron. Classic gets a haymaker, but Rey pulls Classic into the ropes and hits a 6-1-9. Rey Drops the dime, and covers for the win and the Title! Afterwards, Rey Celebrates. Well, at least Classic knows how to go out with a bang. That was probably his best match to date in the WWE. Goodbye, Classic, we’ll miss you.

Backstage, and Luther is pacing in preparation for his match against Funaki next!

Back, and hey, Mordecai is praying, letting us know that the locker room is full of sinners, and soon, his attentions will be turned to one in particular: one who dares call himself a champion, yet he lies, cheats, and steals. Well, looks like we know what Eddie is going to be doing after GAB.

Out to the ring, and Luther Rains is out to squash Funaki (W/ no entrance). Go up 4 paragraphs or so to read the recap of the match, only replace “Setting Sun” with “Spine buster followed by a powerslam.” Luther grabs the mic and tells us that THIS * pointing to Funaki’s prone body * is what happens to people that disrespect Kurt Angle. He goes to leave, but Kurt doesn’t feel that Funaki has quite learned his lesson. Luther picks him up and hits another power slam. That’ll learn him!

Raw Rewind. Not to kiss ass or anything, but Rick’s recap was better.

Back, and we get a Smackdown Rewind, recapping both title switches tonight, and then we go over the card for GAB as so far (only 3 matches.)

Torrie Wilson is out in a red, white, and blue number (think Uncle Sam’s outfit, only no pants) and there’s a bar-be-que grill at the top of the ramp. She hypes the GAB by inviting YOU to go party with the Diva’s all night long. She lights the grill, poses, and saunters off. Well, that was kinda pointless…

Elsewhere, Josh Matthews has cornered Booker T, who says he was robbed last week by having to go first in the triple play match. He rants about the judge being French or something and is interrupted by Rene DuPree. Rene tells him to not worry about it and just be happy that he’s getting another chance at Great American Bash. Booker gets in Rene’s face, Rene tells Booker to be careful, or he’ll be on the receiving end of... The French Tickler. Rene walks off, leaving Booker to say, “Tell me he did not just say that…”

Back, and it’s time for Tag Team Action. Rob Van Dam is out first, followed by his partner John Cena.  As they get face to face and argue in the ring, Booker T follows next (biggest loss with the redesign of the entrance ramp to allow Eddie and Bradshaw to drive in: the loss of any floor pyro, especially Bookers alternating flame licks. Those were cool!) with Rene out last (w/ Fifi).

Rene and John start. John Leapfrogs him a couple times and locks in a headlock. Tag to RVD and he continues with the brawling, following up with a cartwheel moonsault. RVD with the jumping side kick. Rene staggering around the ring and he ends up in Bookers corner. Booker asks him “What’s up?” and they shove each other, resulting in a near pin when RVD rolls up Rene. Rene bails and Booker goes out to get in his face. As they argue, RVD butts into their conversation with a double baseball slide to send them sprawling. While they lay on the floor in pain, we go to commercial.

Back, and RVD is in control. He calls for the Rolling Thunder, but Booker kicks him in the back as he bounds off the ropes. Rene is up with a clothesline, and tag out to Booker. Booker works RVD over in the corner, knocks him down, and hits the delayed knee drop. Rene tags in, does the Gay, Gay dance of French Manliness, and puts a knee into RVD’s forehead. Cover is interrupted by Cena. Tag to Booker, who locks in the headlock just out of Cena’s reach. Booker dragging RVD to the corner, but RVD gets a kick out of nowhere and tags out to Cena. Booker gets the tag to Rene and now everyone is in the ring and it’s time to GET ROWDY! RVD clotheslines Booker out of the ring and Cena dumps Rene. Cena and RVD go face to face and they smile for a second before going to town on each other. As they brawl, Rene and Booker get back into the ring and take them down. While everyone is brawling, the lights go out and we hear a familiar…

“BONG!” The Undertaker is in the ring when the lights come back up. Booker takes one look and splits, and Rene follows suit. RVD is stupid, tho, and decides to attack. Undertaker makes short work of him, ending with a choke slam. Cena is getting up groggily; Undertaker grabs him and hits the tombstone. Paul Heyman appears at the top of the ramp with the urn and holds it out. Undertaker gets the pained look on his face, and then kneels down the power of The Urn. One last “BONG!”, some purple light treatment, and a close-up of Paul Heyman laughing, and we are outta here.

Ok, this weeks show wasn’t better, it wasn’t worse. It just felt ‘different’ to me. Maybe it was all the squash being served up, maybe it was the two title switches (one in a “farewell” match, the other simply to move the props to a more visible team), maybe it’s something else completely.

One thing that didn’t do it for me was Bradshaws mid show rant. Half the rant didn’t have word one to do with wrestling, and the rest was just same shit, different day. I also think that Paul’s promo at the beginning probably should have been about 2 minutes shorter.

I like that they are finding something to do with Mordecai, but really, is putting him in a feud with Eddie the greatest of things to start him off with? Of course, this could be WWE saying, “Ok, Smarks! You said anything would be better than Bradshaw vs. Eddie, well now you got it!”

Undertaker/Heyman still has a nice storytelling edge to it, but I fear that the story will cross the good/gay line sooner, rather than later.

Anyway, Smackdown manages to tread water, and hopefully next week, they’ll make a wave or two (and hopefully get about 4 more matches added to the card) and give us a reason to want to see GAB.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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