by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

5-minutes out: A reign of terror begins as Paul Heyman unleashes the Undertaker on Smackdown (Which is on NEXT!)

WWE leader, and last Thursday, Paul Heyman and Undertaker ran roughshod over the main event.

Backstage, John Cena is telling Charlie Haas thanks for your concern, but he’s got this covered. Charlie and Miss Jackie tell him this is suicide, but Cena is set in his course and makes his way to the ring.

No Smackdown opening or Pyro, but we are Live (taped) from Orlando, Flo-Duh, and Cena is in the ring. He appreciates the cheers, but he’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. Last week, Undertaker tombstoned him in the middle of the ring, and this week, John wants an explanation. Instead of Undertaker, tho, he gets Kurt Angle (w/ Luther), who is all smiles. Kurt asks Cena how he’s doing, and Cena responds that he’s having a bad day. Kurt says that’s too bad, and says that in response to Cena’s accusation last week that he wants to be like Cena, he’s come up with a rap of his own. It all boils down to Kurt telling Cena he’s going to lose, and that he’ll Rest In Peace. Translation: Tonight, Cena has a match against Undertaker. Kurt lives us a quick, ‘Word life!” and Cena definitely didn’t like that news.

Up next: 10-Man over-the-top-rope Battle Royal to determine the #1 contender for the cruiserweight championship.

Back, and Scotty 2 Hotty is making his entrance, already in the ring are a few others, but we cut to the back where Kurt is dazzled by his own brilliance when John “Bradshaw” Layfield knocks on the door. He kisses up to Kurt for a few seconds, then goes on to bitch about Eddie, and suggests that someone should soften Eddie up tonight. Kurt can’t do it, and J”B”L isn’t dressed for it, then their collective gaze falls on Luther. He’s more than eager to take up the task, and says that he’ll teach Eddie some respect.

Back out to the ring, and Chavo Guererro has made his entrance. Rey Mysterio comes out to provide commentary.

Bell rings, and everyone starts brawling. Standard Battle Royal stuff here: lots of teased eliminations, only for the victim to get out. Spike Dudley is the first man eliminated after a dropkick from Paul London sends him to get Back Body Dropped out by Nunzio. . London and Nunzio fighting it out. Nunzio gets crotched on the top rope and London gets a springboard shining wizard type move to send Nunzio out. London is then doubleteamed and tossed. He nearly skins the cat, but Nunzio is there to grab him and eliminate him by yanking him off the ropes and sending him crashing back first to the floor. Ouch! More brawling, and after a brief exchange, Akio and Shannon Moore are double eliminated by Scotty. Scotty goes for the worm, but gets interrupted by Jamie Knoble and is eliminated by Kidman. Chavo eliminates Funaki after kicking him on the apron for 5 minutes. Billy gets a brief bit of offense, but soon falls prey to Jamie and Chavo’s doubleteaming. Kidman comes back with a double dropkick and goes to eliminate Knoble, but Chavo is there to stop that. Kidman hung in the tree of woe and Jamie sets him up for an attack by Chavo, but Knoble betrays Chavo and tosses him, but Chavo skins the cat back in. Jamie going after Kidman again, but Kidman comes back and slingshots Jamie into the turnbuckles. Jamie lands on the second rope, but Chavo is there to eliminate him. Kidman is up to try eliminating Chavo, but Chavo comes back and gets Kidman into the Gory Special and GS’s him out of the ring to win the #1 contenders spot. Chavo and Rey jaw jack as we go to commercial.

Back, and we’ve got a red, white, and Blue cement mixer next to the stage. Backstage, Paul Heyman is telling someone on the other end of his cell phone that he DOESN’T want a safety latch on the Plexiglas crypt. He waves the blueprints around and says that this will be a monstrosity that people will either see at the GAB, or regret missing for the rest of their lives. During this, a rather agitated Dudley Boyz appear and wonder what Paul means by, ‘Do the Right Thing.” Paul says to relax and trust him. Bubba calls bullshit, but before they can continue the conversation, they are distracted by Mordecai and Hardcore Holly beating the tar out of each other for no other reason than, “He looked at me funny!” This gets broken up by Angle and Luther and Angle says that if they want to kill each other, they can do it at GAB. Heyman and the Dudz make to leave, but Kurt calls him back and asks if we’re cool with Undertaker tonight. Paul again says, “Trust me!” and this is enough for Kurt.

Commercials.

Back, and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ white ninjas and Geisha, whom Michael Cole helpfully informs us that her name is Hiroko) is out for his match with tonight’s Red shirt; Billy Gunn.

Lockup to start, and already, Billy has gotten more offense than Kenzo’s last 2 opponents combined! Kenzo gets a karate chop, but Billy answers with a shoulder block. Kenzo into the corner, and Billy working him over. Kenzo comes back with a double palm strike and takes over with some knee drops. Pin attempt gets 2, so he goes for an ab stretcher. During all this, Cole is trying to get Tazz to pronounce ‘Hiroko’ correctly, and Tazz tells us that he doesn’t like the geisha style. Oh well, your loss, Tazz! Billy fights his way back up and floors Kenzo with a right hand. Billy gets a good run in, hitting the fameasser to finish. As he goes for the cover, Hiroko is there with the salt in the eyes for Billy. Ref calls for the bell, but that doesn’t stop Kenzo from hitting the Setting Sun on Billy, just to be a dick.

Backstage, and Sables boobs are walking. They happen on Torrie Wilson and Teri the wardrobe Girl, and she’s telling her to make her patriotic outfit even skimpier. Sable is miffed that Torrie was the only diva hyping the GAB last week. She says that if Torrie wants to keep hogging the spotlight, that’s fine, she’d just better be careful not to slip in the hot tub on Sunday. Oh yeah, and Torries outfit makes her look FAT! Torrie takes about 3 seconds to come back with the response, “Oh yeah? Well at least my outfit doesn’t make me look EASY!” OOO!  That touched just the wrong button in Sable and ITS CATFIGHT TIME! A group of lucky stagehands pull them apart and we go to commercial.

Back, and after going over the Guererro/Bradshaw shenanigans from Judgement day until now, it’s “Viva la Rasa!” time and Eddie is out in his Low Rider for his match against Luther. He poses for the crowd and apparently we need to see the I, Robot commercial one more time this hour, because that’s what we’re going to.

Back, and Luther (W/ Kurt Angle) is out. Kurt is parked by the ring, and Luther is in as Eddie jaw jacks with Kurt.

Bell rings and they lock up. Luther forces Eddie in to the corner and they break. Lockup again, and Eddie forces Luther into the corner, and lays in with the right hands. Cross corner whip ends with Luther gorilla pressing Eddie. Luther asks for a test of strength, Eddie answers with a kick to the gut, but runs into a shoulderblock. Eddie running the ropes and hits a shoulderblock of his own. Luther overpowers him and hits a nice looking butterfly suplex. Luther picks Eddie up and it’s time for the bear hug of DOOM! Eddie tries to fight his way out, but eats a couple clotheslines. Back to the bear hug, but Eddie gets out with a chin buster. Eddie fighting Luther down, and he starts the Three Amigo’s. He only gets two, tho, and Luther blocks and looks to get a vertical of his own. Eddie flips out of it and shoves Luther off, who then takes the ref out. Angle yells at Luther to finish him, and Luther picks Eddie up and hits the powerslam. Kurt hobbles out of his chair and rolls into the ring to count the pin, but even with the fast count, Eddie kicks out at 2! Kurt directs Luther to get the world championship belt. Back in the ring, Eddie has recovered and he hits Luther with a field goal kick to his twig and two berries. Eddie now has the title and looks to use it on Kurt, who is now cowering in the corner. Luther is back up tho, and Eddie lays him out. Eddie then returns his attention to Kurt, but the ref is getting up, so Eddie tosses the belt to Kurt and fakes being knocked out. Ref sees Kurt with the title and ejects him from the ring. Eddie feigns wooziness as he gets up to the top rope and hits the frogsplash. Ref goes to count, but Bradshaw is in to break it up and draw the DQ. Bradshaw has the bullrope and proceeds to abuse Eddie with it, ending with him trying to hang Eddie on the outside of the ring. Eddie grabs JBL’s head and hangmans him on the top rope and comes in with the bull rope to apply some abuse of his own. Bradshaw bails and takes off with Kurt. Eddie stands with the rope in the ring as we go to commercials.

Back, and Rob Van Dam is out to take on Rene DuPree (W/ Fifi). Rene is taking off his robe when we get, “Can you dig it, Sucka?” Booker T is out for commentary. As RVD and Rene lockup, Booker meets and greets with Tazz and Cole. Camera back to the ring and Rene has RVD’s head locked in between his legs. RVD flips out of this and goes fro the mat wrestling, But Rene gets the better of him and looks to ram RVD’s head into the turnbuckle, but RVD blocks and gets a Boot to the head! (Yaa Yaa!) Booker working Rene over until Rene gets a dropkick while RVD points to self. Rena controlling with basic stuff until RVD gets a rollup to turn the tide. Stepover heel kick gets 2. Rolling Thunder gets 2. Rene Dodges a flying kick and RVD lands badly. Rene going to take a pad off the turnbuckle. As he struggles with it, Booker tells a lame Knock Knock joke. The ref sees Rene and shoves him out of the way to put the pad back on. RVD with the small package, but the Referee is distracted with the turnbuckle, so by the time he goes to count the cover, Rene has kicked out. After a brief exchange, RVD’s back meets the exposed turnbuckle and Rene gets a rollup for the pin. After the match, Rene goes out and taunts Booker with the Gay, Gay Dance of French Manliness, Booker want’s us to tell him he didn’t just do that, and it’s time for commercials.

Back, and Cole and Tazz are in full hype mode for Great American Bash. Speaking of which, we’ve got a few matches for said PPV, let’s look.

Eddie Vs. JBL
The Fatal 4-Way with Elimination rules.
“This just in!” Sable Vs. Torrie
Rey Vs. Chavo Jr.
Undertaker Vs the Dudley Boyz in a glass crypt match.

Speaking of this last match, here’s the Undertaker back stage. He puts on his hat and slowly starts to walk. Looks like his match is next!

Back, and John Cena is out for his match with 30 minutes left to go. Cena hangs his chain up, throws his T-Shirt to some lucky fan, and then the lights go down, everything turns purple, and “BONG!” here comes the Undertaker. Bell rings, and we have 25 minutes to go.

Undertaker starts with knees to the midsection, putting Cena down. Cross corner whip, but Cena gets an elbow up for a charging Undertaker. Cena going after him with the fisticuffs, ducks two haymakers, and more punches. Undertaker gets a clothesline, but the fight isn’t out of Cena yet, who comes back with more clubbing blows. Undertaker grabs him and pulls him out of the ring and catches his breath. Cena back in, and Undertaker lays him out with a clothesline. Old School connects, and cover gets 2. Undertaker signaling for the last ride, but picks Cena up for a powerslam. Cena kicks out and brings the fisticuffs. Cena running the ropes, Undertaker looking to back body drop him, but Cena kicks, and that just pisses ‘Taker off. ‘Taker charges, but Cena has a low bridge for him, and ‘Taker hits the floor. ‘Taker back up, but Cena meets him with an elbow and ‘Taker hits the floor again, taking out a few fans in the front row as he does it. This looks like a good time for a commercial break.

Back, and Cena is taking it to ‘Taker on the outside. Cena clotheslines him over the barricade. After getting distracted by the ref, he turns around and walks right into a goozle. Cena whips ‘Taker into the rings steps, cutting his forearm open. ‘Taker comes back and grabs Cena and slams him spine first into the ring post. ‘Taker sets Cena up on the apron, and then hits the guillotine leg drop. Back into the ring, cover gets 2. ‘Taker in slow punishment mode, now.  After a minute or so of punishment, Cena comes back with a flurry of rights, only to be taken down by a ‘Taker clothesline. Cena back up, but a 1-2 punch puts him back down again. ‘Taker setting Cena up top; SUPERPLEX! ‘Taker with the cover. 1! 2! No! ‘Taker with the rear chokehold. Cena fights back up and starts throwing rights and lefts, only to be clubbed down. ‘Taker looking to do something, but Cena gets a spinebuster out of nowhere. Cena and ‘Taker trading blows, and Cena gets the better of it! Cena up tot the top rope, missile dropkick! Cena back up, 5-knuckle shuffle (with a little extra shuffle) and a cover only gets 2. ‘Taker back up with a kick to the gut and going for the last ride. When he hoists him up, Cena jumps over and lands just short of the ref. ‘Taker spins and Cena ducks the clothesline. The Ref isn’t as lucky, tho, and he’s knocked cold. Cena comes back around and runs into another goozle, but he gets a kick, Undertaker is up, and Cena hit’s the F-U! Cena covers, and the crowd counts, but the Ref is still out. Cena gets up and goes to rouse him, but he turns around and walks right into a chokeslam. ‘Taker covers, but the Ref is still out. ‘Taker sits up, stares vacantly off into space for a second, then his eyes lock onto something: Cena’s chain. ‘Taker goes, grabs it, and as Cena is staggering back to his feet, ‘Taker knocks him down again. The ref is stirring, so ‘Taker grabs Cena, picks him up, and delivers the tombstone piledriver. The pin is perfunctory at this point as the ref counts 1-2-3 and the Undertaker picks up the win.

After the match, Heyman is out with the Urn. Undertaker stares for a minute, and then finally kneels down to the power of the Urn. Heyman laughs, ‘Taker is shamed, and we are outta here.

Well, that was decent for a setup show. They were able to plug a few more matches in at the last second, the cruiserweights got to show off some of their stuff, and the show was generally entertaining all around. The Cruiserweight Battle Royal was entertaining, Eddie vs. Luther had the distinct flavor of not sucking, the rest of the matches could be defined as decent, and the Main event was a damn good match, in my humble opinion.

Well, even though GAB is in my hometown, I won’t be able to see it, as I’ve already made plans to go caving with friends and by the time I get back on Sunday, I will be in no condition for PPV viewing. So everyone raise a glass to me and pray I don’t get eaten by a hole.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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