by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Oh, and before we get started: Happy Canada day to all you readers up there in Canada. As for all you American readers, I’ll wear my special red white and blue top hat while I recap in preparation for our own Independence Day.

5-Minute out bumper: Friends can be lost (“You will never see Paul Bearer again!”), Enemies can conquer (“My destiny will be fulfilled at Great American Bash!”), and tyrants will rule. Catch the fallout from Great American Bash, NEXT!

Oh, and report from my friend that was about 50 feet away when Undertaker pulled the switch: Paul simply dunked himself down into the cement that had already filled the tank at that point. He stayed under for about 30 seconds, and they used an attempted forced perspective shot to make the illusion. Didn’t work too well, apparently.

WWE leader, and we open with Kurt Angle, and he’s all smiles. You see, a great injustice happened at GAB: Referee Nick Patrick declared Eddie Guererro the winner of his match. Kurt had no choice but to correct Nick with the following “footage” (just a series of still shots featuring the highlights of the match.) Kurt then lets us know that he reversed the decision because Bradshaw’s shoulder touched the turnbuckle first. He pats himself on the back for having the guts to make such a tremendous call. Kurt is now proud to announce the NEW WWE champion:

John “Bradshaw” Layfield! John is out, and he’s all patriotic with his limo decked out with Red, white and blue bunting on his limo’s hood (just below the horns, of course.) He steps out and holds the belt high. He then proceeds to kiss a lot of hands and shake some babies… wait, strike that! Reverse it! He gets in the ring (which is also decked out in as much patriotic splendor as it can handle) and announces that, in the words of the late, great Ronald Reagan, “It’s a brand new day!” He’s proud to be the champion, and he vows to be the most popular champion of all time. To do that, he’ll shake America’s hands (as long as there’s hand sanitizer available) and he’ll kiss Americas babies (as long as they don’t smell too bad.) He tries to get the crowd to chant his name, they respond with boo’s. He then goes on to say that he’s not going to simply rest on his laurels tonight. Oh no, he’s going to defend his title tonight against anyone Kurt Angle chooses, as long as it’s NOT Eddie. “I’ll defend the title right here in front of you fine people in… * steps out of the ring to check * Fayetteville, NC!” Nice touch. He goes on to tell us that Eddie has probably fallen off the wagon and has either crawled into a bottle of pills or tequila. J”B”L isn’t going to be like that, tho. He’ll be the champion YOU can be proud of! And with that, he takes his leave, and up next, we have a #1 contenders match for the US title between RVD, Booker T, and Rene Dupree.

Oh god, it wasn’t a bad dream. They really are releasing a Catwoman movie. God help us all! 

Back, and Rob Van Dam is out to take on Rene Dupree (w/ Fifi, who is promptly escorted to the back by a stage hand) and Booker T for a #1 contenders match for the US title (Triple Threat rules.)

Bell rings and Both heels attack RVD, but he fends them off easily until after a back body drop out of the ring on Rene, Booker sneaks in with a shot to the midsection. Booker with a couple rights, RVD comes back with a clothesline and standing moonsault for 2. Booker gets up and gets a few more punches in, but RVD goes after him with punches and kicks, cover is interrupted by Rene. Rene pounds on RVD for a minute and tries for a powerbomb, but RVD reverses into a back body drop, which Rene reverses into a sunset flip, which RVD rolls through and hits a seated dropkick. RVD with the cover, but a Booker T elbow interrupts the count. Booker with a back kick and Rene capitalizing with a knee to the face and dragging him up for a Booker superkick, but RVD ducks and Rene eats a Size 12, instead. RVD dropkicking Booker out, and another Dropkick ties Rene up in the ropes. RVD with a dropkick to the midsection of Rene and Booker attempts to attack with a chair. But this is RVD, and with a quick jumping kick, he makes Booker eat his own weapon. Rene gets free, but RVD gets a double leg sweep and slingshots Rene out of the ring. To follow up, RVD goes up top and hits a flying cross body to the floor and we take a break for commercials.

Back, and Booker and Rene are solidly in control of RVD. After a Rene top rope legdrop, Booker tries to cover and Rene interrupts that. Booker takes umbrage, so RVD grabs a rollup that Rene interrupts. This repeats a couple times until Booker interrupts a Rene cover and tosses RVD out. Rene attacks quickly, but Booker is right back with chops and punches. Rene gets a powerslam out of nowhere and gives us the Gay, Gay Dance of French Manliness. Elbow drop misses, and they slug it out until RVD gets back in the ring and does some punching of his own. Cross corner whip is reversed and RVD eats a chair that apparently was set up in the corner during the commercial (Ouch!). Rene and Booker with more fisticuffs, and RVD comes back in and lays both men out. RVD up top, and Booker eats the frogsplash. As both men sell the splash, Rene grabs RVD and starts working him over, but RVD comes back and hits the 5***** on Rene. RVD covers, but Booker pulls him out of the ring and lays him out with a right. Booker takes the opportunity to go in and cover Rene himself and we have a new #1 contender. Booker Celebrates, RVD looks on and vows revenge, and we go…

Backstage: a techie knocks on J”B”L’s door. Bradshaw is in total apple polish mode as the techie says that there’s an altercation in the locker room. He says he’ll be right there. He goes to put on his hat, makes an “Ouch!” face because it apparently rubs against his stitches, and leaves the hat behind.

Commercials.

Back, and we are close up on Luther’s face. He’s got the attention of Charles Robinson, and he wants him to see something. We see the end of the Torrie/Sable match from GAB, and Torries shoulders were blatantly not down as Charles counted the pinfall. Luther says that while Kurt has no love lost for Torrie, that was sloppy, and Kurt demands perfection. Charles will have the chance to redeem himself tonight in the rematch (whoopee!) But know this, if Charles screws up again, then there will be hell toupee. Oh goody, the return of “Acting!” Charles.

Elsewhere, and the Dudleys, Rey, Bob Holly, Booker T, and Cena are all arguing amongst themselves. Bradshaw comes in and calms everyone down by saying that the challenger tonight could be any one of them. He then announces that his challenger tonight will be… A DUDLEY! Bubba Ray and D-Von give us a “Yes!” and the entire planet is about 10 seconds ahead of Bradshaw when he says that the Dudley in question will be SPIKE Dudley. The Tag Champs are slightly crestfallen as Cena leads the rest of the locker room in finger pointing and laughter.

Back from commercial, and moments ago (actually, 2 commercial breaks ago), and Booker snuck into a #1 contender spot for the US title.

Back in the arena, and Rey Mysterio is out to hand out masks to the kids in the front row. Oh yeah, and he has a match against The Pale Rider, Mordecai. He spices up his entrance by slamming his staff and igniting his flames.

Bell rings, and after a brief standoff, they lock up, and Rey uses some quick kicks to get away from Mordecai. Mordecai isn’t impressed and lays in with some right hands. Rey goes for a drop toehold, and Mordecai decides to stomp on him. Rey gets a few kicks in, but Mordecai reverses a body scissors into a full nelson and slams Rey on the turnbuckle. Mordecai stretches Reys neck against the ringpost, then comes back in with a head vice. Rey tries to springboard off the ropes, but Mordecai catches him and locks in a reverse suspended chinlock. Rey kicks his way out and gets a flurry of dropkicks. Mordecai is climbing back up the ropes and Rey hits the 6-1-9. Mordecai is right back up and he puts Rey down with a big boot. Mordecai going for the crucifix, bur Rey kips up and converts it into a west coast pop for the rollup and the pin! Mordecai is no longer undefeated, and the look on his face as Rey takes his leave says, “This isn’t over!”

Up next, we get to relive the * Yawn * drama of Paul Bearers ultimate fate. Joy.

Back, and Michael Cole and Tazz are here to hold our hands as we prepare to watch the graphic and horrifying footage that we are about to see of Paul Bearer getting buried in the concrete. Oh, and Paul is really alive, he’s just got the ever popular “internal injuries.” But before they can throw it to the monkeys in the truck, Paul Heyman is out to gloat. He boasts of being the greatest power broker in the WWE. He tells us that he orchestrated Paul Bearers abduction, that he forced Undertaker to face his own weakness, but he was surprised when Undertaker took matters in his own hands. We go to the footage of Undertaker doing the deed, and when we get back, Paul is wearing a self-satisfied smirk. He gloats a little more, but is interrupted by a lightning strike to the ringpost. Before he can say, “What the Fuck?” We get “Bong!” and Undertaker appears on the Smackatron. “Paul Heyman. You did show me that I had a weakness. And I took care of that weakness. Now, knowing what I can do to the one person on earth that I care about, what do you think I’m going to do to you? Paul Heyman: Rest! In! Peace!” “Bong!” and suddenly, the angle on Sunday is just a little less retarded. Paul slowly shits himself in the ring as we go to break.

Back, and after quick hype for J”B”L’s first title defense later, Sable is out to take on Torrie Wilson in a rematch of their match from Great American Bash. Charles Robinson is in the ring with an “Oh boy…” look on his face. Bell rings, and they brawl. Poorly. At least the cameramen are doing a good job getting the butt and crotch shots. Torrie gets tossed out and Sable gives her a couple football kicks. Rolled back in and Sable covers for two. Shitty knees in the corner are followed up with a snapmare and a couple kicks to the back. Sable works Torrie on the ropes and Charles almost literally has to pull her off. Sable goes for the blatant choke and Charles has to call her off again. Torrie back up and she ducks a clothesline and delivers a DDT on Sable. Cover, Charles counts the pin and Torrie wins. Torrie celebrates and Charles is satisfied with a job well done. He’s checking the turnbuckles when Kurt appears on the Smackatron. Kurt is glad that Charles did the job right tonight, but that’s not good enough. You see, Charles’ offense at GAB was so bad, that he still needs to pay for it. Kurt orders him to take his shirt off, which he does (this gets the requisite hoots from the audience) and it’s announced that Charles will be in a match next. His opponent? Luther Rains! He doesn’t have to wrestle, tho, he can simply quit and be rid of it. Charles decides to take his lumps and his match is next.

Back, and Charles is arguing with the ref for the match (“I don’t wrestle!” What, you forgot all that training from Ric Flair a few years back, Lil Naitch?) Luther comes out to the ring, and Charles tries to run for it, but Luther catches him and cuts him in half with a knee to the midsection. Luther gets about 10 more seconds of offense in before Charlie Haas jumps in the ring to make the save. He clotheslines Luther out of the ring and drags Charles away. Luther yells and says that the both of them will pay.

Raw Rewind: The Rick did it better. </blatant ass kissing>

Backstage and Spike is taping up. Bubba Ray and D-Von stop by and are all sarcasm and menace at the idea of Spike getting a title shot while neither of them have ever gotten one (Bubba conveniently forgetting that he challenged Stone Cold for the title during Invasion). They assure Spike that they have his back tonight. Why? Because Spike looks good with gold around his waist, and they are sure that Spike will be happy to give them the first title shot when/if he wins tonight. Why? Because they are family. Spike appreciates the offer for help, but says that he’ll be handling this on his own tonight, and as for the offer to help, “Thanks, but no thanks!” Spike walks off, the Dudleys look mean, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and on a litter borne by the White Ninja’s, here’s Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko). Kenzo in the ring, and Hiroko hands him a mic! You know, with all the Anime that I watch, you would think I’d know at least a little Japanese, but basically, all I can get out of his promo is that he’s here to teach America a lesson, we’re all idiots, this is Hiroko and he’s Kenzo Suzuki, bitch!

John Cena decides that this is a good time to interrupt. A few yo’s, and he notices that Kenzo is mad every week, but nobody understands what he’s saying. John says that here in Fayetteville, we know basic Japanese, like Sushi, Sake, and Godzilla. He says something about a happy ending, but I don’t remember a happy ending in Godzilla. It was bittersweet, but not exactly happy. I digress…

John gets the video of Kenzo’s promo on the Smackatron, and makes a bunch of poop related jokes. Kenzo apparently doesn’t understand, but Hiroko is horrified at Cena’s insinuations. Cena translates that Hiroko is a hermaphrodite and is partial to bukkake. He caps it off with a shot at Kenzo’s mullet and says he frequents gay nude beaches. John then offers to teach Kenzo some English and gives him a, “You can’t see me!” throws the mic down, and steps off. As Cena leaves, Hiroko translates everything he said, and this enrages Kenzo. He seethes in the ring and Cena gives him a, “Haha!” from the top of the ramp.

Backstage, and Bradshaw is walking and doing the campaign trail thing when he notices a pair of Red Dice on the hood of a car. He calls a kid over and asks him whose car this is. The kid says, “This is Eddie Guererros car.” Bradshaw gets a nervous look on his face and heads out.

Back from commercials, and Spike Dudley is out to take on John “Bradshaw” Layfield for the WWE Title. Tazz makes a quick reference to Baseball history by noting that Babe Ruth hit his first professional home run right there in Fayetteville, and wonders if Spike can hit one tonight. As Bradshaw makes his way to the ring, he shakes hands with everyone again.

The bell rings. J”B”L arrogantly laughing at Spike. They lockup, Spike forced into the corner, Bradshaw with a clean break. Lockup again, and Spike thrown into the corner. Lockup again, and this time Bradshaw punches him down. Bradshaw with the slaps and punches. Bradshaw goes for the Hades Lariat, but Spike ducks and delivers a few kicks to the hamstring. Bradshaw retreating to the corner, and Spike runs in place on his chest. Spike Tarzans up, but Bradshaw is up with a big boot to stop that noise. Spike tossed out, and if it’s outside the ring, Spike is tossed into it. Barricade, ringsteps, ringposts. Back in, and Bradshaw with the torture rack. Spike wriggles out, but Bradshaw puts him down with a shoulderblock. More offense by Bradshaw, interrupted by a small bit of offense by Spike. Bradshaw is looking to pummel him some more in the corner, but Spike gets a surprise dropkick. Spike hits the Dudley Dawg, covers: 1-2-no! Spike can’t believe it and tries to cover again, but Bradshaw kicks out again and he’s up and punishing Spike with short arm clotheslines. He finally decides that he’s had enough, delivers the Hades Lariat, and he covers for the win.

But instead of Bradshaws music, we get “Viva la Rasa!” Bradshaw doesn’t like what he hears, and here comes Eddie! Eddie is focused on Bradshaw as he slowly removes his shirt. Finally, Eddie charges the ring and Bradshaw tries to attack, but Eddie gets the better of him. Eddie up on the top turnbuckle, but Bradshaw rolls out and makes to leave. Eddie garbs a mic and holds him up. You see, way back before Kurt was GM, Eddie won the title. And when he won the title, he made sure to have a return match clause inserted. It states that Eddie can choose the type of match, and Eddie decides to make the match a steel cage match (Presumably to take place at Summerslam.) Bradshaw freaks out at this, Eddie poses with a big smile on his face, and we are outta here!

Ok, now THAT’S how you set things up, Smackdown! Now, we have no less than 6 potential or actual feuds formed (RVD/Booker, Luther/the Two Charlie’s, Cena/Kenzo, Undertaker/Paul Heyman, Mordecai/Rey, Bradshaw/Eddie), and over a month to the next PPV to build them up. The wrestling action was above average (except the Women’s match, but what do you expect, considering the participants) with even Bradshaw’s squash being just right, and the storylines were definitely on the not-too-silly side. Nice rebound from the craptacular PPV, and hopefully, they can build something from this and make Smackdown watchable again.

Is this the beginning of the turnaround that I talked about at the beginning of this recap? Well, let’s take it one week at a time.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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