by Big Danny T.
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

All right, enough with the plugging, on with the wrasslin!

5-minute out Bumper: J”B”L! Eddie Guererro! The WWE Championship! In a steel Cage! Am I using too many Exclamation points! Coming up NEXT! 

WWE Leader, and Last Thursday, John Cena got stripped of his title for clotheslining Kurt Angle.

Opening, Pyro, and we are Live (taped) from Providence, RI. Later tonight, Eddie vs. J”B”L for the WWE championship in a steel cage.

But first, “Can you dig it, Sucka?” Booker T is out to say a few words. Booker is all about the championships, because he is a 5-time, 5-time, 5-time, WCW Champion, and tells all the people to shut their damn mouths because he knows nobody else in the arena has been a 5-Time champion. He makes the case that seeing as how he didn’t lose the match next week, he should be the champion. He understands why Kurt didn’t award him the title last week (tensions were high after getting clotheslined and all) and requests that Kurt come out and award him the title NOW. 

This instead brings out Rene DuPree. He agrees that Booker is absolutely right that Cena doesn’t deserve the title, but the US title is wasted on someone from America, seeing as how Americans have no culture. He points out providences lack of culture by referring the fact that they are currently broadcasting from the “Dunkin Donuts arena.” I mean, come on, what kind of name is that? Seriously. He hands Fifi off to a handler, and proceeds to explain to Booker that the next US champion needs class and culture. In a word, the next US Champion needs to be French. Now where are we going to find a Frenchman? While Booker and Rene argue about this, they are interrupted by…

Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko). Kenzo cuts a promo (in Japanese, of course). Rene can’t understand what Kenzo said, so Booker points and laughs at Rene’s obvious stupidity and offers to translate (seeing as how he’s fluent and all.) Booker says that Kenzo declared Booker to be the best choice and thanks him. Hiroko corrects him, and says that Kenzo really said that he’s the best choice for Champion, because no one loves America more than Kenzo Suzuki. Kenzo gives us his most winning smile, and Booker calls Bullshit and challenges Kenzo to say something in English. Anything! Kenzo pauses, grabs the mic, and gives us, “Can you dig it, Suckaaaaaaaa!” Booker tells him that he did not just say that, and they squabble until…

John Cena interrupts with his witty banter. He tries to figure out why they are all in the ring. He first postulates that they are some kind of cracked out “We Are the World” reunion Mix tape. Then he says they are in competition for the worst Haircut award, and then settles in for comparing them to the Wizard of Oz. Fifi becomes Toto, Hiroko is Dorothy with ay too much makeup on, Booker becomes the Scarecrow (because he’s so dumb, haha), Kenzo is the Tin Man (John doesn’t know about his heart, but he knows he doesn’t have any testicles), Michael Cole is the Lollipop King (Cole takes it in stride and Tazz laughs it up), and Cole gets serious for a second calling Rene the Cowardly Frenchman. He tells them that they aren’t in Kansas anymore, that this is John Cena country. He disregards the fact that he got stripped of the title and remains adamant about still being the champ. He says he’s going to go see the wonderful Wizard of Smackdown (Kurt) and ask politely for his title back, and if he doesn’t give it back, then he’s going to TAKE it back.

Cena heads backstage and happens upon the General Managers door, finding it locked. This is no deterrent, tho, as he kicks it in and proceeds to accost Kurt Angle, demanding his title back. Kurt says he only has himself to blame, then begs off, asking him if he wouldn’t hit a man in a wheelchair, would he? Cena yanks him out of the chair and states the Angle isn’t in the chair anymore.  Before Cena can follow through, Luther comes out of that pocket dimension that he was lurking in (thus explaining how Cena didn’t notice him) and attacks Cena. Cena quickly gets the upper hand and puts Luther through a wall. Security is called and as they drag Cena off, Kurt promises him that this will be a night he’ll never forget. As Kurt goes to see if Luther is conscious, we take a commercial break.

Wow, just when I thought “reality” TV couldn’t get any lower: Amish in the City. I’m rating that right down there with “Trading Families: Meet Your New Mommy” on Fox.

Moments ago: Cena and Kurt had a light altercation.

Back, and Rey Mysterio and Spike Dudley are out to take on Chavo Guererro and Jamie Knoble.

Spike and Jamie start. Spike gets a quick hiptoss to start. Lockup, and Spike controls early with mat wrestling. Jamie gets away and tags Chavo in, but Spike brings him right down with a drop toehold and works him into a small package for 2. Headlock takeover, and Chavo works his way back up. Spike whips off the ropes and runs into a  spinebuster. Tag to Jamie, who runs across and gets a cheap shot on Rey. Jamie and Chavo double-teaming Spike until Rey comes back in with a flying cross body to take out both Jamie and Chavo. Rey and Spike hit the Bronco Buster and Dudley stomp in stereo. Jamie and Chavo both bail, so Spike and Rey both hit stereo suicide planchas. Quick replay of the planchas, and back in the ring, its Rey and Jamie. Rey in control until Jamie gets a back body drop and Chavo yanks him off the apron, landing him face first. Rey rolled back in and tag to Chavo, who slingshots in with a stomp. Tag back to Jamie and they try to double team, but Rey comes back with a leg scissors into a double bulldog. Rey leaping for the tag and Spike is a House ‘O Far! Back body drop for Chavo, Head scissors for Jamie, dropkicking Chavo out of the ring, then a short arm clothesline for Jamie gets 2. Spike gets whipped into the corner, but he gets a boot up for a charging Jamie. Second drop, Dudley Drop, cover gets interrupted by Chavo. Chavo hits a back breaker, but eats a dropkick and then a 6-1-9 from Rey. Rey drop toe holds Jamie into the ropes and looks to deliver a second one, but he gets tripped up by Chavo. Rey kicks him through the ropes and goes for a slingshot plancha, but Chavo dodges and Rey eats floor. Back in the ring, and Spike hits the Dudley Dawg. Chavo pulls Spike off the cover, but Spike clotheslines him out of his boots. Spike back into the ring and going for an axe-handle off the top rope, but Jamie kicks him in the gut and hits the Tiger driver. Before the ref can count the pin, tho, D-Von is out to create a distraction. When Jamie goes to offer his 2 cents, Bubba sneaks in behind him and hits the low blow. Spike gets his senses back and goes to roll up Jamie and gets the pin for his team. He’s bewildered after the 3-count until he sees D-Von and Bubba on the ramp cheering him on. He yells at them to leave him alone, and the Dudleys continue to clap and cheer. Spike is pissed as we go to the Raw Rewind. I fast forward through this and commercials.

Back, and after reminding us that there will be a Steel Cage match later on, we are reminded of all the goings on at Great American Bash and J”B”L’s new Apple Polishing attitude since then with a nice little recap package.

After a loving look at the cage suspended above the ring, we go backstage, where the medics are looking at Luther. Kurt distracts one of them by complaining that his knee might have gotten twinged out when Cena grabbed him. He then goes on to tell Luther (because why would the medic’s care?) that tonight Cena will pay. Angle can’t do it, so he’s going to book him in a handicap match against Booker T, Rene DuPree and Kenzo Suzuki. He reiterates his promise that this will be a night no one will ever forget, and we head to commercials.

Summerslam Commercial: Regal on fire = ratings!

Back, and Booker T is in the ring to squabble with Rene Dupree as the match is announced to be not just a handicap match, but an elimination match as well. Kenzo Suzuki makes his entrance (W/ Hiroko and White Ninjas) and finally, the vict... I mean John Cena is out.

Cena is trepidatious getting in the ring, and Rene opts to start with him. Rene starts off quick with a kick to the gut and punches. Cole points out that Rene’s logic about having a French US Champion is flawed seeing as how an American has won the Tour de France 5 times. Tazz tells him to stop talking about boat racing and concentrate on the match. Cena throws Rene out of the ring and we go to commercial.

Back and Cena is firmly in control of Rene. After a suplex, Rene scrambles to the corner and tags Kenzo in. Lockup, and Cena grabs a side headlock. Kenzo gets out and levels Cena with a chop. Cena pops back up and unloads with a flurry of rights and controls until Rene gets a kick to the back on a whip. Kenzo pounds Cena down, chokes him out in the corner and the ref has to physically separate them before the count of 5. Kenzo gets a few more shots in, hangs Cena in the tree of woe, Jumps out of the ring, grabs a sash off Hiroko’s obi, and proceeds to choke Cena from the outside. The ref counts and when Kenzo won’t break the choke, he calls for the bell. Kenzo is pissed, but there’s nothing he can do. As Kenzo argues with the ref, Rene comes in and begins the beatdown anew on Cena. After pounding him down, he does the Gay, Gay Dance of French Manliness and looks to go in for more beating, but Cena is up with a double leg sweep and he slingshots him into the turnbuckle. As Rene staggers back, Cena gets the rollup and Rene is eliminated. Booker doesn’t waste any time running in and starting the beatdown. A couple cover attempts get 2. Booker teases a spineroonie, but instead goes for a delayed knee drop. Cover gets two, Booker with the side headlock. Cena elbows his way out, but eats a spinebuster. Cena kicks out of another cover attempt, so Booker gets up and waits for Cena to get back up, only to put him down with a superkick. Cover gets 2, and while Booker tries to argue with the ref, Cena gets a rollup for 2. Booker right back up and pounding Cena down some more. Cena comes back and they trade right hands with Cena getting the better of it. Whip off the ropes, Cena gets a knockdown with a shoulderblock, then a sidewalk slam. Cover gets two. Booker up and sending Cena into the corner, but he runs into a boot, and Cena with a bulldog. 5-knuckle shuffle, pump it up, and he goes after Booker, but Booker pulls him through the ropes and distracts the ref as Luther runs down and makes Cena eat ringpost. Booker setting up and getting the scissorkick. Cover, 1-2-3, and Booker T wins.

Commercials.

Back, and hey, it’s John Hrnenrnrnrnrr. And he’s with Paul Heyman. He was saying something, but apparently the Hardees commercial had more important things to say.

Backstage, and Josh Matthews has Eddie Guererro cornered for an interview. He wants to know what the deal between Eddie and El Gran Luchadore. Eddie puts El Gran over, saying that Eddie patterned his entire career after El Gran. He notes that J”B”L could do nothing but run away from him last week, but tonight, there will be no running, as Eddie is going to have J”B”L all alone in the steel cage. He gives us a quick “Viva la Rasa!” and we are off to commercials.

Back, and last week, Kidman and London won the Tag Titles, which Tazz dismisses as a fluke.

Back to the arena, and D-Von Dudley (W/ Bubba Dudley) is out to take on Paul London (W/ Billy Kidman).

Paul goes to lock up, but D-Von gets a kick to the gut and proceeds to dominate Paul to start. Paul comes back with tome right hands, but D-Von puts him down with a boot. More beating, and a cover gets 2. D-Von continuing to beat down Paul, and then locking in a surfboard. Paul picked up and whipped into a powerslam. Cover gets 2. Paul gets a chin buster and fights back. D-Von tries for a full nelson slam, but Paul flips over him and hits a dropkick. Running Enziguri, cover gets 2. Paul charges, but D-Von back Body Drops him out where Bubba proceeds to whip him with a belt. Kidman tries to help but gets knocked down. Paul rolled in and Bubba up on the apron yelling for D-Von to finish him off. D-Von grabs a waistlock, but Paul reverses and shoves D-Von into a collision with Bubba. Paul trying for a rollup, but Bubba hangs on to D-Von until Kidman yanks him off the apron. Paul gets the rollup and bridges for the cover and the pin. Paul and Kidman escape as Tazz begins to wonder if last week WASN’T a fluke.

Backstage, Kurt asks Luther is he’s all right, and assures him that Cena will get what’s coming to him. Luther begs for a match, and Kurt makes the match next week: Cena vs. Luther. Luther promises that after the match, there won’t even BE a John Cena. Kurt says enough of that, now, its time for the steel cage match.

Out to the arena, Tony Chimel announces that this match can be decided by pinfall, submission, or escaping the cage. Out first is the Champion John “Bradshaw” Layfield. As J”B”L does the shaking hands and kissing babies thing, Cole calls bullshit on it and we go to commercials.

Summerslam commercial: Whoa! It’s Chavo Classic! I guess just because they fired him doesn’t mean that they should waste the commercial, huh? Funny stuff, tho.

Back, and J”B”L is perplexed that the fans are chanting Eddie’s name. As if to answer them, Eddie Guererro is out in his low rider (J”B”L’s Limo has been removed to make room). Eddie is in the cage, and Cole lets us know that the door is to be chained and locked, thus eliminating that avenue of escape. J”B”L is nervous as the bell rings. He goes to test the door and indeed sees that it’s locked and not moving. Eddie attacks with kicks and punches and tries to ram Bradshaw’s head into the cage. Bradshaw uses his strength to resist and elbows Eddie in the face. Bradshaw controls with power for a second, but Eddie reverses a headlock into a belly to back suplex. Cover only gets 2. Bradshaw goes for a big boot, but Eddie ducks. Unfortunately, Eddie runs right back into a hotshot into the cage. Bradshaw looking to escape quick and actually gets kipped up when Eddie grabs his leg. Eddie pulls Bradshaw down and goes to work on him. He whips and ducks a clothesline, but a cross body is caught and Bradshaw hits the fallaway slam. Bradshaw going to climb out again, but Eddie is up to catch him again. Eddie pulls him back in and they fight it out on the top rope. Eddie rams Bradshaws head into the steel bar and Bradshaw falls to the mat. Eddie goes for the frogsplash, but Bradshaw moves and Eddie eats canvas. Both men struggling to get up, and Bradshaw trying to climb out again. Eddie throws himself into the ropes and Bradshaw crotches himself on them. Eddie drags Bradshaw back in, covers, only gets two. Eddie keeping up with the right hands, then he hits the 3 Amigo’s. Eddie going to the top rope, but he poses for the crowd too long, because Bradshaw meets him up there, pounds him down for a second, then hits the Superplex. Both men are down as we go to commercial.

Back, and Bradshaw has taken control with a neckbreaker. Bradshaw signaling for the clothesline from hell. He whips Eddie off the ropes, but Eddie gets a dropkick out of nowhere. Eddie takes advantage of the no DQ stipulation and kicks Bradshaw square in the nuts. Eddie looking to whip Bradshaw, but Bradshaw reverses, then hits a spinebuster. After a few punches on the mat, Bradshaw goes to escape, but Eddie is there to hit a side Russian Leg Sweep off the top rope. Both men struggling to get back up, Eddie with the fisticuffs, Bradshaw reverses a whip, and then locks in a chokehold, using his wrist tape to assist. Eddie fades, but gets his momentum back and runs Bradshaw into the cage wall. Eddie throwing Bradshaw into the cage again and covering for two. Eddie continuing to brawl Bradshaw down, covering repeatedly, only getting 2 each time. Eddie going for a cage slam again, but Bradshaw reverses and throws Eddie into the cage himself. Both men struggling back up and they trade fisticuffs until Bradshaw gets the Hades Lariat. Cover only gets 2, Bradshaw can’t believe it, and we go to commercials for the last time.

Back, and Bradshaw is trying to escape AGAIN! Silly Redneck, that never works! Eddie, of course, catches him and we exchange fisticuffs on the top rope. Bradshaw bulldogs Eddie to the mat, then looks to go for a fallaway into the cage. Eddie reverses into a DDT. Eddie covers, but Bradshaw still has enough to kick out. Eddie goes up, and nearly gets out, but Bradshaw catches him and gets a kind of half crab over the top of the cage to keep him in. Bradshaw dragging Eddie back in, hitting the powerbomb, and covering. 1-2-NO! Bradshaw can’t believe it, so he goes to climb out again. Eddie catches him gets in front of him, and shoulders him down into the ring. Eddie climbs up top, and has a moment of hesitation, Stands up on the corner, slaps the chest a few times, then hits the frogsplash FROM THE TOP OF THE CAGE! Eddie hurt himself just as much and has to struggle to get over for the cover. Eddie does tho, Ref counts: 1-2-NO! Bradshaw kicks out! But both men are still out of it as they struggle to their feet. Eddie is in obvious pain as he goes in for a suplex, but Bradshaw hits a DDT to counter. Bradshaw pulling himself up and climbing. Eddie struggles up after him and instead climbs up as well. Both men are perched up top when El Gran Luchadore runs down to the ring. He climbs into the ring, runs across, then grabs Eddie and pulls him back in! Bradshaw takes advantage and drops down to win the match and retain the title.

While Bradshaw’s music plays, El Gran mocks Eddie by mimicking his strut, and then tries to leave. After fruitlessly trying to get the door open, he goes to climb out. Eddie recovers and goes up to stop him. They struggle up top for a second as Eddie grabs the mask and rips it off. El Gran hits the floor and turns around to reveal that it was really Kurt Angle under the mask! Kurt mocks Eddie some more and yells that Eddie will never be champion again. Eddie seethes and we fade to black. WWE logo and we are outta here.

Real good show this week. Will it be one that we’ll never forget? Probably not, but it set up for some really good storylines in the future. Cena vs. Luther next week will be interesting, London and Kidman are now legitimate (or at least they have more legitimacy than last week), the Dudley family strife will be entertaining, and the US title scene is chock full of potentially mouth watering matchups. I also like how Kurt swerved us with his non-cripple status at the end. Only low part I can think of is the inevitability of John Hrhrnennernrrnrr stinking up our screen in the coming weeks. Hopefully he was able to improve his game in OVW these past few months.

Damn good show, looking forward to next week.

See ya next week!

E-MAIL BIG DANNY T.
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