In other news: I will not be recapping Smackdown for the next two weeks. Why? Back in May I took a week off and Smackdown went from “The Suck” to “Very not bad.” So I figure if I take TWO weeks off, that it’ll go from “Very not bad” to “Fookin’ Awesome!” Good plan, huh?
 

Anyway, enough of my yakkin, on with the wrasslin!

5-minute out bumper: A devious plan backfires and exposes a General Managers true colors! Smackdown! Next!

WWE Leader, And last Thursday, there was a steel Cage Match, maybe you heard about it. Oh yeah, and Kurt Angle isn’t lame anymore.

Smackdown! Opening, Pyro, and we are LIVE (taped) from Philadelphia, Pa, and Cole and Tazz rant about how Kurt angle is a bad boy for using his position to carry out personal vendettas. Speak of the devil: “Medal” rings out and here come the GM, Kurt Angle (W/ Luther Reigns). Kurt comes down in his wheelchair, and still leans on a crutch (despite being perfectly ambulatory last week.) Kurt is hurt that he’s been called a liar and a con artist over the past week. It hurts cause we (the general public) don’t know what we are talking about. You see, Kurt has always been capable of extraordinary feats (Such as winning gold medals with a broken neck, he helpfully reminds us.) So last week, when he saw Eddie threaten to regain the title, He sucked it up and did what he had to do. Afterwards, His doctors told him that he damaged his knee some more and he risked permanent paralysis with his actions, but it was worth it to maintain “Kurt Angle’s Smackdown!” A Smackdown where J”B”L can stand tall as the champion, where John Cena is stripped of his title, and where Eddie Guererro is obsolete. Being the fair guy he is, tho, He says he’s not going to fire Eddie outright. Well, provided that Eddie comes down, gets on his knees, and begs to keep his job. Kurt doesn’t think Eddie will get it, so he decides to make an example.

Kurt calls Tony Chimel up to the ring at this point. Kurt has always had respect for Tony, the man who announced his last match at Wrestlemania XX. But, an image that keeps repeating in Kurt’s mind is Tony announcing, with a big ole grin on his face that Eddie Guererro is the winner. Kurt sees it differently, tho. You see, Eddie cheated, so therefore, Eddie didn’t really win. That makes Tony a liar, and in Kurt’s rulebook, that’s grounds for dismissal. He tells Tony that he should beg for his job, or Kurt will fire him right now. Tony gets a syllable out before Kurt tells him to get on his knees. Tony does so and says he’s sorry and didn’t mean to offend Kurt. Kurt says that’s pathetic and tells him to do better. Tony brings up his wife and 3 kids and Kurt says that’s better, but not good enough: “You’re FIRED!” Tony hangs his head as he walks out. Kurt apologizes, but says that Tony just wasn’t a good beggar; he promises that someone will beg tonight, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Josh Matthews has been given the ring announcer stick. Out to participate in a triple threat match to determine the #1 contender for the Cruiserweight championship are Chavo Guererro, Jamie Knoble, and Spike Dudley.

Spike and Jamie exchange words to start, and everyone brawls to start. Spike gets a shot in on both Chavo and Jamie before Jamie wrestles him down and the doubleteam commences. Jamie holds, but Spike ducks a Chavo clothesline and Jamie goes down. Atomic drop and dropkick sets Chavo up for the running-in-the-corner. Jamie breaks this up and eats a leg scissors, but Chavo is up with a clothesline. Jamie and Chavo argue for a second, and then THEY start brawling. Chavo with a dropkick, but Spike breaks up the cover. Spike with a clothesline and covering, but Jamie breaks it up. Spike hits a couple euro uppercuts on Jamie; Chavo is up and slams Chavo into the mat face first. Chavo with the Half Boston Crab, but that’s broken up by Jamie. Chavo brawls with Jamie and tosses him, but Spike gets the rollup for 2. Chavo up and kicking Spike around. Spike on the ropes, but he reverses a whip and sends Chavo into a suicide plancha onto Jamie on the outside. Spike goes up top and hits a double press on Chavo and Jamie. Chavo rolled back in and Spike goes up top, but Jamie tries to interrupt. Spike puts him back down with an elbow to the face, but Chavo is right there with a shot to the face and an attempt at a superplex. Jamie gets in, tho, and hits Chavo with an electric chair. While Jamie is down, Spike hits the spike stomp and covers Jamie, but only gets two. Both men up and Spike gets the ram head. Chavo blindsides Spike and then brawls with Jamie. They fight over a cross corner whip, ending with Chavo hitting a T-bone suplex. Chavo covers, but Spike is there to break it up. Headbutt on Chavo. Spike brawling in the corner, but Chavo gets a kick to the gut and sets spike up for the back breaker, but Jamie is there with a kick to the face to break that up. Jamie going after Spike, who reverses a body slam attempt into a Dudley dawg attempt, but Jamie reverses that into a Tiger driver attempt. Chavo is off the ropes to clothesline Jamie out of his boots. Spike up, kick to the guy, Dudley Dawg hits! Cover, 1-2-3, and Spike is your NEW #1 contender!

Over the weekend, Smackdown went to Japan.

Backstage, Kurt is surrounded by divas. Miss Jackie, Dawn Marie, Sable and Torrie are all put out that they aren’t getting enough attention on Smackdown. Kurt agrees, and decides to give the divas all the attention they need, so tonight, he makes the match: all four of them in a Fatal 4-Way match. The divas are excited until Kurt decides to add that it’s a Fatal 4-Way LINGERIE match. All their expressions turn sour at this news, and we go to commercial.

Back, and Bubba Ray Dudley (W/ his brother D-Von) is out to take on Billy Kidman (W/ Paul London.)

Kidman looks to start some shit fast, and shoves Bubba to start. Lockup and Bubba powers Billy into the corner. Bubba gets a shoulderblock, but Billy answers with a couple arm drags. They lockup again, and Bubba falls for another arm drag. Billy ducks a clothesline, hits a head scissors, and brawls Bubba into the corner. Cross corner whip ends with Bubba taking a boot to the face, but he answers with a wobbly spine buster. Bubba works Billy’s neck, taunts Paul on the outside, and slaps Billy around. Billy answers with a couple shots to the face, eats a slap to the chest, and gets a dropkick. D-Von looks to interfere, so Paul jumps on the apron and while the ref is distracted, D-von trips Billy up. Paul chases D-Von off, but Bubba uses the distraction to hit the Bubba Bomb and pins Billy for the win.

Commercials.

Back, and there’s the Liberty Bell.

Last week, John Cena beat two guys and lost to Booker T.

Backstage, and Smackdown! #1 announcer Funaki is in Kurt Angle’s office to act as a mic stand. Angle tells Funaki to stop butchering the language and let him introduce his guest: Booker T. Kurt butters Booker up and promises to award the US title to him. Booker asks if he’s serious, and Kurt says he is, but all he has to do is talk to the board of directors and it’ll be official. Until he gets it all straightened out, he’s going to let Booker hold the title. Funaki speaks out and says that it’s not fair that Booker is just given the title. Kurt says that it’s not fair that Funaki is a broadcast journalist and he can’t even say “broadcast journalist.” Kurt decides that he’s tired of hearing Funaki’s voice and fires him. Funaki is sad as he heads out.

Elsewhere, and Spike is winding down from his match when the Dudley’s show up and congratulate him on his match tonight. Spike reiterates that he wants nothing to do with them. Bubba agrees and says that they won’t interfere in his match next week if Spike won’t interfere in D-Von’s match later tonight. Spike says no problem, but then Bubba informs us that D-Von’s opponent will be Rey Mysterio. Spike is suddenly torn.

Elsewhere in Philadelphia, there’s that famous Rocky statue and someone has placed a cowboy hat on it That someone would be J”B”L, who is standing next to it. J”B”L has issued a “Rocky” challenge and we find out what he means by this next.

Back, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is out. He shakes every hand he can on the way to the ring, and then liberally applies the hand sanitizer. He does the standard heel rundown on Philly’s sports teams, and gets to the meat of the promo: tonight, he’s going to give some unknown schlep a shot of a lifetime. He calls some local guy up to the ring and says that he will get to wrestle J”B”L tonight and if he can win the match tonight, then at Summerslam, then he’ll get to challenge for the title. The guy shrugs and the ref rings the bell. Do I really have to transcribe this? Your basic J”B”L squash. He hits a powerbomb, fallaway slam, and Hades Lariat in quick succession and the guy (we never knew his name) is outta there. After, J”B”L grabs the mic and says that he’s looking forward to relaxing at Summerslam, seeing as how there are no real challengers worthy enough to go for the title…

BONG! The lights go out and here comes the Undertaker. J”B”L shits himself as ‘Taker makes his way to the ring. Lights come up, and J”B”L stumbles all over himself trying to explain his way out. He says that he really does have a match at Summerslam, he was just going to announce it later. “Umm, my opponent, umm, is, umm, Shannon Moore!” Undertaker just stands there and stares J”B”L down. J”B”L gets a little false courage up and tries to intimidate ‘Taker with a count to 3 to get out of there. J”B”L gets to three and Undertaker doesn’t budge. Bradshaw yells that if Undertaker wants a fight, then he’ll get one! He fakes an apology and looks to leave, but then rushes back in. ‘Taker grabs the goozle and delivers the chokeslam from hell. ‘Taker grabs J"B”L’s arm (which is still grasping the mic) and tells him to “Rest In Peace” and takes his leave.

Back from Commercials, and Paul Heyman has a new talent, and his name is Heidenrich! Did you hear? It’s Heidenrich. Just in case you missed it, the new guy is called Heidenrich. Heyman has a vision for his new talent. That talents name? Heidenrich! Heidenrich doesn’t play well with others! Heidenrich Takes what he wants! Heidenrich! Heidenrich! Heidenrich!

Back to the arena, and it’s time for the Fatal 4-Way lingerie match. Sable, Torrie, Dawn Marie, and Miss Jackie are all out, and all of them look requisitely spanktastic in their various undergarments. The bell rings, but here comes Kurt Angle. Kurt wants to clarify something he says earlier: he says that he was wrong that the divas were being used inappropriately. What he meant was that they were useless. “A Fatal 4-Way Lingerie match? Nobody wants to see that!” * Loud boos from the crowd * So Kurt is going to spare them the indignity of wrestling in their unmentionables OR begging for their jobs, because they no longer have jobs. You see, “All four of you are FIRED!” The girls are all requisitely shocked by this, and we take a commercial break.

Moments ago: Man, it’s a damn shame when someone throws away some perfectly good white girls.

Back to the arena, and D-Von (W/ Bubba) is already out for his non-title match against Rey Mysterio (Yes, for whatever reason, Josh announced that this match is NOT for the cruiserweight championship.)

Rey throws his shirt at Bubba, bell rings, and D-Von is a steamroller all over Rey, brawling him down, hitting shoulderblocks and backbreakers galore. Crowd chants, “New York Sucks!” Wow, considering this is Philly, I’m surprised they didn’t cheer when J”B”L ran down their home teams. Anyway, after a few minutes of power offense by D-Von, Rey gets away, gets a west coast pop from the top rope and a springboard into an inverted DDT. Cover gets 2. More D-Von brawling, but Rey gets a drop toe hold to set D-Von up for the 6-1-9, but Bubba snakes an arm in and trips Rey up. This brings out Paul London and Billy Kidman out to bring the ass whipping to Bubba! D-Von gets a suplex and goes up to the top rope, but while the ref is distracted by Paul pounding on Bubba, Billy sneaks around and shoves D-Von off the top. Rey sets D-Von up, hit’s the 6-1-9, covers, and gets the pin! Payback’s a bitch, Dudz! Kidman and London jump in the ring and celebrate. FILTHY ANIMALS REUNITE!

Raw Rewind. Blah Blah Blah.

Up next: Cena vs. Luther!

Moments ago: hey, whaddyaknow, Spike didn’t interfere!

Next week, we got a couple title matches.

But right now, John Cena is out… and he holding a couple big yellow weenies. He gives the weenies to some happy little moppets in the front row and grabs a mic. He points out a sign in the front row that proclaims that the champ is still here. You see, he’s found out why Cena’s mad at him: His wife is cheating with a couple AA batteries. He goes on to suggest that Luther and Kurt are carrying on a homosexual affair, and we break for commercials.

Back, and after a quick video recap of the reasons we are having this match tonight, here comes Luther Reigns. Luther into the ring and the brawling starts quick. Bunch of right hands then Cena put down with a big boot. Cena tossed out of the ring and Cena thrown into the ringpost. Luther covers, only getting two. Cena battles back up, but gets taken down again with a clothesline. Butterfly suplex, cover, Cena kicks out. Luther driving the knee into the back and wrenching Cenas neck back. Cena tries for the ropes, but can’t quite reach, so he opts to twist out and try getting away with some body shots, but Luther with a clothesline. Cena dodges a kneedrop, and reverses a Luther charge into a turnaround suplex. Cena with the 5-knuckle shuffle, pump it up, and Cena attacks, but Luther dodges and the Ref gets taken out. Cena keeping up the offense with a DDT. At this point, Booker T comes out with the title to taunt Cena. Cena is distracted enough to get locked up into a full nelson. Booker up on the apron and looking to clock Cena, but Cena slides out and Luther takes the belt shot. Cena back up and knocking booker off the apron, covering Luther, and getting the pin. Cena bails as Booker jumps in the ring. We get a quick “you can’t see me!” and we are off to commercials.

Up next: will Eddie Guererro beg for his job? I have a sneaking suspicion that he won’t.

Back, and Kurt Angle is in the ring. Cena winning has left a sour taste in his mouth, but all that’s going to be made better, because either Eddie comes out and begs for his job, or he will be fired and he’ll beg in the streets. Angle starts waiting, and soon enough, his patience pays off, because here comes…

Vincent K. McMahon? Vince swaggers to the ring, gives Kurt a perfunctory handshake, and has a mic of his own. Vince also is a big fan of the edict, “Don’t cross the boss.” Vince has noticed that Kurt has been enjoying throwing his weight around tonight. Vince has also noticed that Kurt seems to have fooled everyone, seeing as how he’s not really handicapped. You see, you can’t fool with Mother Nature, and you sure as shit don’t fuck with Vince McMahon. Vince was about to be nominated for a humanitarian award for his work hiring the handicapped. But after Kurt put on his little display last week, the nomination has been rescinded. So, Vince has no other choice but to ask Kurt for his resignation. Kurt blanches and begins to beg for his job himself. Vince notices this, is amused, but still hits Kurt with, “You’re FIRED!” Kurt stops for a second, then takes a swing at Vince. Vince grabs the crutch and swings away at Kurt. Kurt cowers in the corner, and Vince says that while Kurt has been fired as General Manager, Vince is reinstating Kurt to full active wrestler status, and his first match will be at Summerslam against Eddie Guerrero!

“Viva la Rasa!” this brings Eddie out in his low rider. Kurt is beside himself in frustration as Vince goes out to meet Eddie. Eddie stops and bounces the Low Rider a couple times, then lowers the passenger side to allow Vince to get in. Vince gets in, and they enjoy a little bit of bouncing as Kurt looks on. We fade out, WWE logo, and we’re outta here.

Good show this week. Not really better than last week, but it started the ball rolling to Summerslam nicely. Nothing really to complain about. The show speaks for itself, so I’ll just leave it at that.

See ya in August! Excelsior!