Anyway, I know that the three of you (Up from two now that Jeb has confessed to being a regular reader) didn’t come here to see me ramble on about my eccentricities and goofy ideas, you wanna read about wrasslin, so ON WITH THE SHOW!

5-Minute out Bumper: It’s the Final Smackdown Before Summerslam! “We gonna Blow da Roof off!” And it’s Next!

WWE Leader, Opening (Rey looks downright evil grinning in his “Flash” costume), and we have Pyro as we are LIVE (taped) from The Joe in Dee-Troit, Nugentland! Later tonight, there will be a Summer Games Relay Match, but first…

Here comes a limo and some familiar music. The driver opens the door and out steps John “Bradshaw” Layfield. But Wait! John has himself a Chief of Staff in a smartly dressed Orlando Jordan. They both shake hands on the way to the ring (With footage of the Midget hilarity from last week) and they both liberally use the Hand Sanitizer of Heelishness. Bradshaw grabs a mic and informs us that in the immortal words of Tricky Dick Nixon, “I am not a midget!” They both share a laugh about it; Then Bradshaw is all, “But seriously folks.” He puts over the Undertakers track record, but then reminds us that Bradshaw isn’t any of Undertakers previous opponents, and Guaran-Damn-Tees us that he’ll be walking out of Summerslam the Champion. He then hands the mic to Orlando, who says that for the longest time, he waited for opportunity to come to him. When he realized that it wasn’t coming, he stepped up last week and made his own opportunity by helping Bradshaw against Undertaker. Bradshaw says he’s proud of Orlando, and that in repayment for his good work last week, he’s set up a match. Tonight, in this very ring, Orlando will face and beat The Undertaker! Orlando loses his smile quick, but tries to keep his enthusiasm up as J”B”L pats him on the back and we go to commercials.

What in the holy hell does the slogan, “You’re faster than you think” have to do with a big shoe giving birth to a little shoe?

Were back and here comes Spike Dudley. His opponent in this non-title contest is Paul London (W/ Billy Kidman.) As everyone makes their enterance, Cole helpfully informs us that Rey Mysterio is home tonight on Doctors orders.

Bell rings, and here comes Bubba-Ray and D-Von to stand in Spikes corner. Spike smirks a little too much and Paul attacks with forearms, some arm drags, then hits a fallaway slam into a bridge for two. Spike slows it down with a lockup, whips Paul across the ring and sends him out. Paul tries to skin the cat, but is distracted by the Dudz on the outside long enough to take a baseball slide to the back. Kidman wards off the Dudz while Paul gets dragged back into the ring. Paul reverses Spikes offense with a backdrop, a few spinning heel kicks, and they have a dual clothesline in the middle of the ring. Spike up first and he grabs Paul’s foot, but Paul counters with an enziguri. Paul is loopy, but has enough in him to knock Bubba off the apron and go up top. D-Von distracts the ref as Bubba drags Spike out of the way of Paul’s attempted 450 splash. Spike rolled back in and he covers for the pin. Dudz into the ring to continue the beatings, Bubba taking his belt and whipping away.

Afterwards, Tazz and Cole are trying to explain the Summer Games Relay match between Team Cena and Team Booker T when Bubba interrupts the proceedings to whip the announce table with his belt and scream incoherently. After being taken back for a second, Tazz and Cole explain that Bookers team won the coin toss, and that he’ll be leading things off, whatever that means. Looks like as good a time as any for a commercial.

The time is at hand… for Heidenreich!

Backstage, The Dudz and Spike are talking trash about how they are going to kick ass at the PPV when they pass the Velocity B-Team and Scotty 2 Hotty mumbles something at them. Spike asks, “What was that?” Scotty tells Spike that he’s changed. Spike says, “Nay! Tis not mine countenance that has changed, but the perception of thee that rings foul!” He says that he has simply come home to his brothers, and the only thing that’s changed is he’s the Cruiserweight Champion. He says that, Yeah, Scotty used to be his friend, along with Rey Mysterio, but he’s found where his true loyalties lie, and then slaps Scotty across the face. Scotty gets pissed, but before he can open up the can, the Dudz stops him and Spike says that Scotty is going to do NOTHING. The collective Dudleys share a derisive laugh as they head out.

Elsewhere, Teddy Long is getting harassed by Kurt Angle, who is demanding the money from the sale of his items at auction. Teddy tells Kurt that the money went to charity, so he’s SOL, but if Kurt has a grievance, then Eddie is in the building tonight and all he has to do is go to the ring and call Eddie out. Kurt’s all, “Oh you don’t think I’ll do it, but I’m gonna!” and heads out as we go to commercials.

Summerslam commercial: Torrie goes “Boing!” and loses her top.

“Ooooo, Chavo!” Chavo Guererro is out to take on Nunzio (W/ Johnny Stamboli in a fashionable faux bulletproof vest).

Feeling out process to start and Nunzio shoots in with a waistlock. Chavo reverses and gets an arm wringer and a waistlock of his own. Nunzio elbows his way out and hits a head scissors. Chavo gets an arm lock in, but Nunzio makes it to the ropes. As the ref tries tot ell them to break, Chavo slaps Johnny. As Johnny does his best impression of a Pissed Italian Dude, Chavo takes the time to hit Nunzio with a couple football kicks. Chavo with the cover, but Nunzio kicks out after two. Chavo with a T-Bone suplex, but THAT only gets 2. Chavo with the Gory Special, but Nunzio reverses it into a rollup. Chavo keeps his feet and tries using the ropes to cover, but Johnny knocks Chavo’s hand off the rope and Nunzio rolls Chavo over for the pin. Chavo is pissed, but hey, that’s what you get when you cheat!

Commercials. Buy the Van Halen Collection at your local Target, TODAY!

We’re back, and J”B”L looks to have Orlando Jordan actually believing that he has a chance against Undertaker. “Bong!” here comes the Dead Man, and you can actually see J”B”L getting less confident. Orlando is still his usual self, bouncing around. You know, as intimidating as the Undertaker really is (I’ve stood next to him in real life and asked for his autograph. He dwarfs even me), that Sara Tattoo on his throat really does distract from it a bit. I’m sure they have makeup that can cover it or something.

Oh yeah, there’s a match going on. Undertaker dominating with his usual stuff until Orlando gets a bit of offense in. The ref pulls him off for using closed fists and Undertaker takes over again. Undertaker charges in and eats an Orlando boot. Orlando gets a few kicks in, but runs right into a goozle, eats a chokeslam, rolls out, eats some ring steps, rolled in, takes an old School, and eats a DDT. That it as the Undertaker covers for the 1-2-What? Orlando kicks out! Undertaker looking for a last ride, but as J”B”L distracts the ref, Orlando gets a low blow. Orlando taking over with punches and kicks. Out of the ring, he reverses an Undertaker whip and sends the Dead Man flying into the ringsteps. Back in, and Orlando jukin’ and jivin’. Undertaker comes back and looks to hit snake eyes, but gets taken out by a Clothesline from Hell. Ref calls for the DQ, and J”B”L retreats with Orlando after a few more cheap shots. ‘Taker, of course, doesn’t stay down and does the Zombie Sit-up and looks PISSED. J”B”L shits himself and we go to break.

“Let me holla at ya, playa!” Teddy Long is in the ring and informs us we are 3-Days away from Summerslam. He puts over Eddie vs. Kurt as one of the most momentous matches in the history of Smackdown. Teddy wants to hear from one of the competitors, so he brings out…

Kurt Angle! Kurt takes the mic, but before anything can be said, “Viva la Rasa!” here comes Eddie Guererro in his Low-rider du-joir. Eddie in the ring, and short and sweet, tells Kurt to say what he wants to his face.

Kurt doesn’t hide from anyone or anything. He asks Eddie if he knows what it’s like to have everything you’ve worked for taken from him. Eddie shoots back with the whole “You screwed me at the cage match!” Kurt retorts that Eddie stole Kurts Memorabilia and sold it off (and even though Eddie said it was for a good cause, Kurt is technically in the right on this point), and also hits on the fact that Eddie cheated to win at Wrestlemania. Eddie says, “Hey, that’s what I do!” Kurt says that Eddie can’t really beat Kurt, Eddie comes back with the same argument, and that he can’t wait to see who really is the better wrestler. As they stare each other down, Teddy grabs the mic and after asking the crowd to Holla, he says that in the spirit of the summer games, that they should give each other a handshake, “If you’re man enough.” Eddie extends his hand, which Kurt takes reluctantly, then pulls him close and they give us INTENSITY as Summertime Blues starts. Ehh, I prefer the Guitar Wolf version.

Summerslam commercial: Big Show CANNONBALL!

We’re back, and it’s time for the Summer Games Relay match. Here are the rules:

RVD will start for his team, Booker will start for his. They will wrestle for 5 minutes. If there is no winner in the first 5 minutes, then Booker will have his next member come in. If there’s no winner in the next 5 minutes, then Cena’s next man will come in until we have a pinfall of submission.

First out: Team Cena (John Cena, Rob Van Dam, and Charlie Haas [W/Jackie]). Cena grabs a mic, insinuates that Bookers team has backed out because they’d rather have a 3-way, says that RVD smokes pot (The devil you say?!!?), and says that Charlie is on his team because of Jackie and her big… EYES!

After Cena’s spiel, here comes Team Booker T (Booker T, Rene DuPree [W/ Fifi], and Luther Reigns). As Bookers pyro lights, we go to commercial.

You know those Enzyte commercials? The one with “Bob” and the creepy smile? I’ve got a friend that can hold that smile AND whistle the song from the commercial. And yes, it looks just as freaky as it sounds.

Back, and Booker and RVD start. Booker wastes time circling, then locks up and he and RVD chain wrestle. Booker tries to duck a RVD ring run, but RVD does a backflip and hits a hiptoss. Booker overpowers RVD, tho, and works him over in the corner with chops. RVD comes back, but gets taken down with a flying heel kick. Cover only gets 2. Back kick gets two as well. Booker applies a top wristlock, and clubs RVD down when he tries to come back. RVD in the corner and Booker with the knife-edges. Booker tries to run RVD across the ring, but RVD blocks and hits a matrix kick on Booker. Booker down, RVD covers, Booker kicks out. Booker tries to go on offense, but he eats an RVD thrust kick. RVD looks to go for the 5-star, sees the bad guys in the one corner, says “Screw that” and goes to a neutral corner to hit the 5-Star Frogsplash. RVD is in massive oversell mode, tho, and before he can make the cover, the buzzer sounds and here comes Luther Reigns. Luther starts out hard and heavy with the brute offense. As Cole ponders whether RVD can take this kind of punishment, we head to commercial break.

Back, and we’ve got only 1 minute left. Fortunately, we’re back just in time for RVD to take over the offense with the jumping kick and rolling Thunder. Cover on that gets 2 and 9/10ths. Luther comes back with a MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER! But can’t capitalize as the buzzer sounds and Charlie Haas runs in… right into an atomic drop. This doesn’t faze Charlie for long, tho, as he starts going to work on Luther’s knee. Luther tries to power out, but Charlie uses the mat based stuff to keep him down. Charlie with the leg lock and getting a couple near falls. Luther powers up using a blatant choke, and then hits a butterfly suplex. Cover attempt gets 2. Charlie back up and shooting in for the knee, but Luther catches him and throws him away. Luther with the belly to back suplex and then locking in a rear choke and we break for commercials for the last time.

Back, and it looks like we’re still going, as Rene DuPree is the fresh man in for Bookers side, and Charlie is kicking out of a pin attempt. Charlie in the corner and we’ve got some knife-edges. Charlie reverses a whip and tries to charge in, but eats a René boot. Rene goes up and takes too long posing, giving Charlie a chance to get up and press Rene across the ring. Charlie up and hitting a German Suplex into a bridge. Rene kicks out after two. Another German/Bridge for 2. Charlie with a gutwrench suplex for another 2. Charlie goes to cover again, but Booker hits him with the US title. As the Ref wards Booker off, Rene locks in an STF, but Charlie hangs on for the last 15 seconds and in comes…

John Cena! Cena wastes no time going after DuPree and brawling him down. He wails on him for a bit, but DuPree comes back and knocks Cena down with a clothesline. Rene with the camel clutch. Cena tries to power his way up, but DuPree sits on him again. Rene breaks the hold and hits a vertical suplex. Cover gets two. Rene with the chinlock, but Cena counters with a chinbuster. Cena tries to brawl, but Rene hits the spinebuster and goes for the Gay, Gay dance of French Manliness. Rene picking Cena up, but Cena hits a haymaker to knock Rene off his feet. 5-knuckls shuffle, and going for the F-U, But Rene grabs a ring rope and holds on until the buzzer sounds and Booker T is back in, getting a quick knockdown and cover for 2.

Booker continuing the assault, only getting two counts and decides to wear Cena down with a headlock. Booker whipping Cena, but Cena grabs the rope and ducks a sidekick and Booker takes a MAN SIZED BUMP all the way to the floor. RVD gets a few kicks in and rolls booker back in. Cena with the cover. 1-2-3, Team Cena Wins! Luther and Rene try to storm the ring, but RVD and Charlie join the party and everyone GETS ROWDY! Faces prevail, play Cena’s music, closeup on Bookers “I can’t believe it!” expression, and we are outta here.

As setup shows go, this one was pretty darn good. It had a better feel to it than Raw did, and the Main Event was pretty damn sweet, and I wouldn’t’ be surprised if they don’t continue the relay concept in the future. I’m looking forward to Angle/Eddie as the match of the night on Sunday, and I’m sure London/Kidman/Rey will do their letter best to steal the spotlight as well. Undertaker vs. Bradshaw I’m not all that stoked about, but Booker vs. Cena should make up for it. Hopefully, we’ll see some innovation during their best of 5 series. I know Cena can’t hold a candle to Benoit, but with Booker carrying him, these matches should be very watchable. Everything else tonight was perfectly acceptable filler (nice to see that Smackdown thinks that a cruiserweight feud [Chavo vs. Nunzio] can happen someplace other than Velocity.)

Good show, and it’s got me excited for Summerslam. If you are in Norfolk, you’ll see me at the Waterside Hooters. If you aren’t…

See ya next week!