5-Minute out bumper: The Big Show is Back! Beware!

WWE leader, and last week, Big Show killed everyone!

Out first is John Cena, and as Torrie tries to announce Bookers entrance over his entrance music. She loses.

Bell rings, they circle, lockup, and Booker forced into the corner. Booker sweeps around and gets a quick rollup for two. Booker with a hammerlock and Cena chaining around. Booker answers with a knife edge and backslide for two. Cena counters a back body drop with a sunset flip, booker kicks out, gets rolled up again, kicks out, gets bodyslammed, kicks out a third time. Booker powders out and we have to take a commercial break!

Back, and Cena catches a Booker kick and floors him with a clothesline. A couple hiptosses and pin attempt gets two. Booker comes back with a hotshot and takes over with pin attempts and a reverse chinlock. Cena gets out of everything Booker has to offer on the mat, so Booker floors him with a NASTY boot to the face. Booker goes for a couple pins, but can’t keep Cena down. Booker with the rear chinlock, but Cena fights out. Booker gets a double leg sweep and goes for a pin, using the ropes for leverage, but Referee Nick Patrick sees the shenanigans and breaks up the pin. Cena surprises Booker with a faceplanter and comes back with rights and a flying elbow. Flying shoulderblock misses, tho and Booker tries for a pin with a spinebuster and rolls over into a pin. Cena kicks out tho, and Booker gets frustrated and goes for the US title belt. Nick grabs the belt away and Cena grabs a rollup, but Booker kicks out. Cena firing away with the right hands, a Bulldog, and Cena works the “You can’t see me!” for maximum effect and hits the 5-knuckle shuffle. Cover, but Booker kicks out. Cena Pumping up, going for the F-U, but Booker drops out of it and goes for the arm wringer back kick. Cena ducks and brawls Booker down in the corner. Nick tries pulling John off, but Cena still goes in for more fisticuffs. Cena finally throws Nick off to the opposite corner, which is the opening that Booker needs to clock Cena with the title. Booker plays possum, and goes for the cover, but he wasted too much time and Cena kicks out. Booker up and setting Cena up for the axe kick, but Cena is ready for him and picks Booker up, hits the F-U, covers, 1-2-3 and the score is now tied at 2 matches apiece. Cena grabs the belt and poses with it afterwards to an appreciative crowd.

Backstage, and Theodore Long is impressed with Big Show’s showing last week. The fact that Big Show punked out the ENTIRE locker room was so impressive, that Teddy is going to reward Big Show. He has two contracts: one for Big Show vs. Eddie Guererro, and one for Big Show vs. Kurt Angle. Big Show will have to sign one tonight, and Teddy is going to give him some time to think over which one. We go to commercials as Big Show ponders this with a big grin on his face. Ok, I predict this is going to turn into a 3-way-dance.

Veronica Mars: it’s Encyclopedia Brown: the TV series. Only with a chick.

Michael Cole is in the ring to take on Heidenreich. Oh wait, no, he’s introducing Thug Life Billy Kidman. Billy is out to mostly boo’s. Cole shoves it in Billy’s face that he walked out on Paul London and quit. Billy takes umbrage at this and says that he didn’t quit, he was simply trying to prevent another injury. You see, Billy is very misunderstood. Billy isn’t afraid to perform the Shooting Star Press, but he is afraid of hurting someone. He goes over the events that led to Chavo’s injury. He says he can’t have that on his conscience. He asks if the crowd really wants to see it, and they answer with a raucous yes. He then wonders aloud what kind of bloodthirsty animals these people are, and this brings Paul London out. Paul calls a spade a spade, and tells Billy that he walked out on him and is a quitter. Paul again demands what Billy has to say, and Bully answers, “To you? Nothing!” Paul slaps the taste out of his mouth for this and Billy looks like he might get his ass whuppin on, but simply walks past Paul and out of the ring. Paul calls after him, causing him to pause for a second, but he simply heads out through the curtain and as Paul fumes in the ring, we head to commercial.

Today’s object lesson: Gay dogpiles are easily broken up by an infusion of Hardee’s thickburgers.

Tonight’s Smackdown Throwback: TLC 3 from May 24, 2001.

Back, and Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio are out to take on The Dudley Boyz (W/ Spike)

D-Von and RVD start. Lockup, and D-von goes for a kick early and brawls RVD down in the corner. Cross corner for RVD and D-Von goes for a powerbomb, but RVD reverses into a rana. Tag to Rey and he brawls with D-Von, then busts out a beautiful moonsault. Cover, but D-Von kicks out and gets a tag to Bubba. Rey holding his own on Bubba until Spike trips him up. Bubba beats Rey down while he’s distracted. Bubba hitting a wheelbarrow suplex. Bubba calling for another, but Rey reverses into a bulldog. Double tag and RVD with spinkicks for both Dudz. Bubba kicks out of the ring, D-Von bounced off the corner, RVD with the flying kick. Bubba interferes and holds RVD in the ropes. D-Von charges, but RVD ducks and we ALMOST get heel miscommunication, but D-Von holds himself up in time. RVD helps the process out with a dropkick to the back, resulting in a Dudley noggin knocker. Bubba hits the floor, and Rey makes sure he stays down with a flying press from the top turnbuckle to the floor. RVD goes up, and one 5***** frogsplash later, and Rey and RVD are your winners.

After the match, Spike gets in the Boyz faces and chastises them for not destroying RVD and Rey. To punctuate his point, he kicks D-Von squarely in the nuts. Bubba is shocked as Spike continues to rant at him, pointing out that while he has the gold, HE’S the boss. “Now pick him up and get out of here!” Crowd is chanting lustily for the tables, but the chants degenerate into boo’s when we see just how whooped the big brothers are.

Back, and Michael Cole has an apology for both Tazz and all the viewers at home for his actions last week. He lost his objectivity and allowed himself to be goaded into his fight with Paul Heyman last week. We are thrown to a recap, and after, Cole tells us that a mans gotta do what a mans gotta do. Tazz commiserates, and we go…

Backstage, where Big Show is lacing up. Eddie Guererro interrupts his concentration (“Right… over… left… loop… around…”) and tells him not to get upset, count to ten, and calm down. You see, Eddie was impressed by Big Show’s return last week. Watching Big Show plow through the entire locker room, that was a thing of beauty. But what Eddie has a problem with, is when Big Show takes it out on HIM. Eddie says that that’s not cool, and at the contract signing tonight, Big Show had better sign the one with the name, “Eddie Guererro” on it. Eddie storms off, and Big Show goes back to tying his shoes. Angrily this time.

Elsewhere, John “Bradshaw” Layfield get to the Arena and the fact he has to take on the Undertaker is vexing him, somewhat. He confides his master plan tonight to Orlando Jordan: He’s going to call out The Undertaker. Orlando goes, “What the Fuck!?” (not those exact words, but you get the gist), but J”B”L is determined.

Back from commercials, and J”B”L and Orlando are out and J”B”L says he’s tired of waffling with this issue, so he calls Undertaker out. “BONG!” The Undertaker is out, and J”B”L is standing fast in his resolution as ‘Taker makes his entrance. Orlando takes his jacket off, but J”B”L sends him back to the locker room. J”B”L: takes his coat off, Undertaker does the same. J”B”L rolls up his sleeves, ‘Taker doffs his hat. J”B”L assumes a boxers stance, ‘Taker matches him. J”B”L goes to throw a right, but ‘Taker pummels him down. ‘Taker moves in to finish the job, but he gets jumped from behind by… Holy Shit! Gangrel! Gangrel gets a few shots in before… Double Holy Shit, it’s Viscera (or Mabel, take your pick)! The four of them (Orlando has joined the fun again) beat down on Undertaker. They have ‘Taker on the ground and are standing triumphant when ‘Taker zombie sits up and commences to coming back. Orlando gets choke slammed, Gangrel gets tossed, and Viscera eats a big boot. ‘Taker turns around right into a clothesline from hell, tho, and the heel beatdown continues, finishing up with a Viscera big splash.

Back, and after Tazz and Cole pimp Tough Enough, Rene DuPree and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko walking Fifi) are out to take on the FBI (Nunzio and Johnny Stamboli) in a non-title match. Earlier today Johnny and Nunzio go over their game plan (smash stuff!)

Johnny and Rene start. Lockup and René gets a shoulderblock to start. Johnny isn’t impressed and starts working the shoulder. Tag to Nunzio and he gets a quick rollup for two. Nunzio wringing the arm and while he does this, Heidenreich is out to claim this woman as his own! Unfortunately, he miscalculated and grabbed Michael Cole. Tazz is flustered by this, ponders what he should do for about 5 seconds, then drops the headset and goes after them. Back in the ring and the FBI take advantage of the distraction by getting the better of Rene and Kenzo. Rene gets set up to take the backbreaker legdrop, but Kenzo shoves Nunzio off the top. Rene gets the better of Johnny, hits the Michinoku driver, and the tag champs win.

Back from commercials, and we have a Raw Rewind. Yeah, stuff happened.

Back, and Heidenreich has Cole in a VERY compromising position. You see; Heidenreich knows that Cole has the same needs, same desires as Little Johnny, and tonight, Little Johnny is going to give Cole what he wants. He locks the door for emphasis, and Cole whimpers as Heidenreich starts smelling his hair. Do we really need this: a bad reenactment of Deliverance?

Elsewhere, Luther takes a seat next to Big Show. Luther doesn’t have any hard feelings against Big Show personally, but he reminds him that he chokeslammed Kurt Angle off a 20-foot ledge. Kurt angle is an Olympic gold medallist, and deserves better than that. Luther says the decision is up to Big Show, but he knows he’ll make the right one.

Back from commercials, and Heidenreich is going to share something with Michael that he’s been wanting to since he first laid eyes on him. He reaches down… and grabs a piece of paper. It’s a poem. Basically, he’s been through hell, and he’s going to repay the world by putting it through hell. He unlocks the door, and lets Cole go. Cole goes to leave, but gets dragged back in. Heidenreich asked him if he’s going to thank him. Cole says thank you, and Heidenreich tells us to remember what he said.

Out to the ring, and Charlie Haas (W/ Miss Jackie) is out to take on Spike Dudley (W/ Dudley Boyz). Tazz runs out and retakes his position just in time for Spike to taunt Charlie, and then get wrestled down by Charlie. As Charlie goes for a pin, D-Von and Bubba corner Miss Jackie outside, and Spike dodges a charge and Charlie posts himself. Spike distracts the ref and Bubba wraps Charlie’s arm around the ringpost. Spike works on the arm a bit, then tries to grapevine it, but Charlie picks him up and slams him. Charlie taking over and he takes a Dudley Dawg and lawn darts Spike to the outside. This brings D-Von in to attack Charlie and draw the DQ. Both Dudleys in for the beatdown, whipping Charlie with a belt, until, in a flurry of purple and gray, here comes Rico to make the save! He commandeers the belt and uses it to ward off the bad guys. Miss Jackie is glad to see him and he gets a decent pop as Jackie raises his and Charlies arms.

“Do you know who I am? I’m not surprised, because only the cool people know who I am.” As he walks against the “Don’t Walk” signal and causes a couple car accidents, Carlito explains that he’ll be happy to give cool lessons once he gets to WWE.

Back, and Theodore Long is out for the contract signing. He calls out Big Show, who takes a seat behind the desk. Teddy then calls out Kurt Angle, who comes out with Luther in tow. Angle does not look like he wants to share milk and cookies with Big Show. Kurt looks to get in Big Show’s face, but simply offers the handshake. Big Show takes it, and now it’s time to call out, “Viva la Rasa!” Eddie is out with his low rider as Big Show reads over the two contracts. Eddie in the ring, and Teddy asks if either of them has anything to say, then they should speak now. Kurt takes the mic and states that despite Big Show breaking his leg, messing up his knee, and temporarily ending his career (How can you Temporarily end something? Either it’s ended or not!) he doesn’t hold a grudge. What he is about, however, is business, and Kurt vs. Big Show is bad for business. No, what would be good for business would be Big Show taking on someone that really hates him, Eddie. Eddie grabs the mic, and states that he can sign for him if he wants to, but to know this: you will never forget No Mercy. As Big Show ponders, the crowd is about 5 minutes ahead of everyone else by chanting “Triple Threat!” Big Show ponders some more, and then signs Eddies contract. As Teddy is announcing the signing of the contract, Angle attacks Eddie and he and Luther beat him out of the ring. Big Show looks on bemusedly. Kurt is all smiles as he congratulates Big Show on a good decision. Big Show smiles right back… then goes straight faced as he takes Eddie contract back and tears it in half, clipboard and all. Kurt blanches as Big Show calmly picks up the pen and signs Kurt’s contract instead. Teddy announces it and makes it official: at No Mercy, it’s Big Show vs. Kurt Angle. Kurt and Luther make to leave, but Luther whips around and big boots Show out of his chair. As they commence to beating down on Show, here comes Eddie back into the ring to even up the odds. They fight the heels off and Big Show throws the table out after them. Teddy, in a moment of inspiration, makes the main event for next week: Kurt Angle and Luther vs. Eddie Guererro and Big Show. The crowd goes wild, Angle and Luther are furious, Big Show says, ”Bring it on!” we fade out, and we are outta here.

You know, this show was the definition of ‘perfectly acceptable wrestling.’ Cena/Booker was their usual stuff, serving only to even the score at 2 apiece. The Drama between Billy and Paul was intensified just enough (and wow, we learned that Paul London actually has a voice!) Spike as the boss got a nice little bit of storytelling, the non title tag match was fun enough, the return of Rico was interesting, Gangrel and Viscera even more so (another tag team to flesh out the ranks, or at least take up space on Velocity), and the show spanning story arc had Big Show getting himself over with everyone again by not saying a single word. Nothing blow away here, but good enough to make you want to come back next week and see how these storylines play out. And that’s not a bad thing by any measure. The only part that I’m uneasy with is ‘sensitive heel poet’ Heidenreich. But as with everything, lets see where they go with this.

See ya Next week!