Ok, this should be enough to get me past the ad, now, on with the Wrasslin!

5-Minute out bumper: It’s the season premiere of Smackdown! And we’ve got Big Show and Eddie Guererro vs. Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns. Tune in, NEXT!

WWE leader, and after a quick graphic telling us of Ray’s passing, Vince is here to say thanks for 5-years of great wrestling, and without further ado, it’s time for Smackdown!

NEW Smackdown opening. Geez, just when I get used to the old one, they spring this one on me, and I’m actually wishing for the old one again. Tonight, we are LIVE (taped) from the America West Arena in Phoenix. Later tonight, we are having a schoolgirl match between Dawn-Marie and Torrie and the aforementioned tag match.

But first, we kick things off with a dejected Billy Kidman heading to the ring for a match with Paul London.

Kidman REALLY doesn’t look like he wants to be here. After Paul fakes him a couple times, Billy slowly strides out of the ring and heads back up the ramp. Paul yells after him to “Snap out of it!” But it’s to no avail; as the Ref makes the 10-count and Paul gets the count out win. Paul is about to leave himself when…

“Can you dig it, Sucka!” Booker T is out, and without a word, he kicks Paul in the gut and the match is on. Booker brawls him down in the corner and Pauls nose gets busted with a back elbow. Booker has control until Paul gets a foot up for a charge. Paul gets a quick dropkick, but gets stungunned on the ropes for Booker to take control again. Surfboard slapped on, and Paul sells it like his spine is being ripped out. Paul powers his way up, and breaks the hold with a Dropsault. Paul gets a few more dropsaults, and a cover gets 2. Paul goes for a high cross body, but Booker rolls through it and gets the pin with a little help from the ropes.

Booker bails out quick, grabs a mic, and informs Cena that HE is the real US champ. He only gets half of, “Now can you…” before Paul decides he’s heard enough and takes Booker out. Booker can’t believe what just happened, and only a phalanx of refs are able to keep him away from Paul. Paul is defiant and telling Booker, “Any time! Anywhere!”

This cuts us to Tazz and Michael Cole. Tazz questions Cole on his run in with Heidenreich last week, and Cole begs off, instead throwing it to a video of Mick Foley introducing his favorite segments of Smackdown. The first is one where Rock and He were entertaining the crowd after the show and Rocks glasses fall off. Mick picks them back up and Rock thanks him for it. The other is his transformation into Cactus Jack.

Backstage, and Billy is forlorn as he’s heading out. Theodore Long stops him tho and reminds him that he had a match booked tonight. But since Billy walked out, he’s rescheduling the match for No Mercy. And if Billy decides to no-show that match, well, Teddy hasn’t fired anyone since he became the boss, but he’ll be happy to make Billy the first.

Elsewhere, Josh has Rey Mysterio and Spike Dudley face to face. Josh is about to ask a question when Spike stops him and says that since he’s got the title, he’s the boss, and it feels pretty damn good. Rey counters by saying Spike isn’t the boss, that he’s loco. He starts running off a string of insults in Spanish until Kenzo Suzuki stops him and tells him to “Speak Engrish!” Spike and Kenzo patronize Rey, and Rey clocks Kenzo one for his troubles. Spike wonders what the hell just happened, and we go to commercials.

Back, and tonights Smackdown throwback is The Rock making the Coach dance the Charleston.

Back, and Rey Mysterio is out to Challenge for Spike Dudley’s (W/ The Dudley Boyz) Cruiserweight title. They face off, Bell rings, and it’s on!

Spike pie-faces Rey, and Rey comes back with a flurry of rights. Spike gets picked up into a Tilt-a-whirl into an airplane spin. Rey droptoeholds Rey into the corner and this quickly brings the Dudleys into the ring. Charles stops Bubba before he can do anything and when he sees D-Von trying some shenanigans, he decides that enough is enough and ejects Bubba and D-Von. Spike can’t believe it and jumps out of the ring to try dragging them back, but turns around into a baseball slide from Rey. Rey looks to follow up with a tope, but Charles Robinson stops him and begins the count. Spike back in and Rey with the headlock. Spike gets a DDT, both men down, and we co to commercials.

Back, and Rey misses a charge, and Spike takes advantage by posting Rey. Out of the ring, and Spike rams him into the ringpost, back in, and cover gets 2. Spike with a bodyslam, and spike goes up for the Dudley stomp, but Rey dropkicks the ropes crotching Spike. Rey going up; HURRICANRANA! Cover gets 2, tho. They trade rollups 3 or 4 times, and Rey misses Spike with a cross body, but hits Charles Robinson instead. Spike takes advantage and tries to Dudley Dawg, but Rey grabs the top ropes, so Spike converts it into a faceplanter. Spike up for a Dudley stomp, but Rey gets a foot up and Spike sells it across the ring and is set up for 6-1-9. Rey gets up, sees this, and gets ready for it, but as he whips himself off the ropes, Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki are out to hold the ropes open and Rey goes tumbling to the floor. Rene picks Rey up, feeds him to Kenzo, and Kenzo hits the setting sun on the floor. Rey rolled back in, Spike laid on top, and Charles comes to in time to count 3. Spike Retains.

Kenzo and Rene into the ring to apply the beatdown until Rob Van Dam runs out to make the save. RVD runs Kenzo and Rene off and checks to make sure Rey is all right before we are sent back to Cole and Tazz.

This leads us right into Stephanie McMahon giving us her favorite moments. The first is slapping her mother (“She was really mad after that”) and the other is the infamous Kurt Angle kiss (“Kurt really is the worst kisser in the world.”)

Ok, I can see them showing the same promo twice during the same break, but the just showed the same Second Time Around promo twice in the SAME COMMERCIAL!

Moments ago: Rey couldn’t win the Cruiser title, but it looks like he’ll be going after the Tag titles.

During the break, Teddy ran into Kenzo and Rene and informed them that they will be defending the titles at No Mercy against Rey and RVD. Kenzo and Rene react (“Nanda?” and “What?” respectively) and this throws us to a recap from last week of Heidenreich assaulting Cole with his poetry. Tazz let’s us know that he kinda liked the poem, meanwhile, backstage, Heidenreich is WALKING! Cole freaks out and threatens to walk out, but Heidenreich instead walks into Mr. McMahon’s office. They wonder what’s going on as we head to commercial. Up next: Undertaker vs. Viscera and Gangrel (oh please let them have brought back Gangrels entrance!)

Another Smackdown Throwback: the Brock/Big Show Superplex.

Back, and well, they have Gangrels music, but I guess it was too much to expect to stuff Viscera through that trap door. Gangrel does the blood spit thing and I’m partying like it’s 1999, baby! Their combined weight is announced at 700 pounds. Funny, Gangrel doesn’t look that small…

“BONG!” Lights go down, and here comes The Undertaker. ‘Taker raises the lights, but before the match can start, Here comes John “Bradshaw” Layfield and Orlando Jordan. J”B”L and Orlando set up and look to enjoy the match from the comfort of J”B”L’s limo.

Bell Rings and Viscera attacks, but ‘Taker quickly turns it around and unleashes a flurry of fisticuffs. Gangrel tries to charge in, but ‘Taker dodges and Gangrel splashes Viscera instead. ‘Taker going to work on Gangrel, hitting Old School, and beating Gangrel down. Gangrel gets a stray shot in and tags Viscera, who comes in with a Mablebomb. Tag back to Gangrel, who gets a corkscrew elbow. That’s about enough for the offense, as when Viscera is tagged back in, and ‘Taker turns the tide with a DDT. Somewhere, there was a tag, or not, I dunno, but endgame comes when Gangrel takes a tombstone and ‘Taker makes him rest in peace. ‘Taker stares J”B”L down, but Viscera decides he hasn’t had enough and tries to sneak attack. ‘Taker ends this little flurry with a chokeslam. And just to show J”B”L what’s waiting for him at No Mercy, He goes outside, grabs a chair, and does the neck driver on Viscera. ‘Taker gives the signal for “2 down, 2 to go” and Orlando and J”B”L shit their pants.

Backstage, and Heidenreich has Vince’s full attention. He states that he and Vince are mirror images of each other: they both have intimidated their way to the top, and the fans hate them for being so mean. He reads off some more Vogan poetry, and Vince smiles and nods.

Up next: the fanboy spankoff... I mean the Schoolgirl match.

Back, and coming soon, Stone Cold will share some of his favorite moments, but first, it’s time for our screen cap opportunity match of the night: Torrie Wilson vs. Dawn-Marie in a Schoolgirl match. Both women in the ring, but before the tussling can begin, here comes Theodore Long. Now, he knows that the match was supposed to me Dawn vs. Torrie, but since it’s both the 5^th anniversary, he decides that we need to have a Tag Team School Girl match! It’s Torrie AND Dawn Marie vs. OH DEAR JESUS GOD! Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young. OH GOD! GRANNY PANTY SHOTS!!! Please make it stop! Teddy decides he wants to cut a quick rug with Moolah before the match starts. Finally, we start the match….

Ok, I know I’m the recapper, but I’m too busy scrubbing my eyes with brillo to accurately do this up. So here’s some highlights: Mae grabs the refs ass, Mae hits a bronco buster, Mae gets into some very suggestive (and disgusting) positions with Torrie. Moolah tagged in, Dawn gets schoolyarded, then schoolboy’d. Mae and Moolah celebrate, Dawn throws a level 7 temper tantrum, Torrie laughs her ass off, and we go to…

Stone Cold Steve Austin relating his favorite moments. His proudest moment would have to be when he went and entertained the troops in Baghdad and stunnering Vince as Santa Claus. His favorite moment would have to be him and Angle serenading Vince (“We could barely keep straight faces, and after the camera went off, we laughed our asses off.”)

Back, and at Ringside, we’ve got Superstar Billy Graham.

Elsewhere, John Cena is standing on the trailer of a Semi, and he has a rap Honoring 5 years of Smackdown. He first gives props to The Rock, then Stone Cold, telling Booker that he’s going to win the best of 5 series, and telling him that that’s the bottom line. He then says that Booker has “no chance in hell” and that it doesn’t matter when his name is! Wow, an entire rap and not a single poop or gay joke in it. SEE! It CAN be done, John!

Cole and Tazz are going over the card as announced for No Mercy when Kurt Angle interrupts them. It would seem that even though He’s been a part of some of the biggest moments in Smackdown history, he hasn’t been asked to share his memories, and this doesn’t exactly butter his cracker. Well, if he’s not going to be asked to share his memories of the Iron Man match, winning the title, or kissing Stephanie, then he’s going to have to go out and make yet another Smackdown memory.

Up next, the big tag match, right after we get Hollywood Hogan’s memories. Hmm, looks like WWE is losing to Marvel.

Back, and Hollywood Hogan’s greatest Smackdown moment was tagging with Edge on the 4^th of July. He’s proud that it’s cool to defend America again. He loved tagging with Edge, and proclaims that the torch has been passed.

Back to the arena, and Kurt Angle and Luther Reigns are out together, while Big Show and Eddie Guererro opt to make their entrances separately (I guess they couldn’t decide on who gets to drive the low rider.) Interesting; Big Show’s entrance video has footage from the latest videogame.

Eddie and Kurt start and they circle, with Kurt playing keep away. Eddie says, “Fine, is that how you want to play it?” and tags Big Show in. Kurt decides to tag Luther in as well. Luther tries to use power on Big Show; Show almost literally shrugs him off. Tag to Eddie, and Eddie with the punches, and quickly goes for the 3 Amigo’s. After the 3^rd, Kurt is in to apply a couple boots and Luther is able to take control. Tag to Kurt and he tries to brawl Eddie down, but Eddie reverses a whip into a drop toehold. Eddie goes for the mat wrestling, but Kurt knows a few moves himself and works his way out of it. Eddie gets a right in and as Kurt stumbles around, he wanders into Big Show’s grasp and gets bodyslammed for his troubles. Eddie with an elbow off the 2^nd rope, but Kurt kicks out and with an errant right takes over. Eddie plays face in peril until he gets a stray dropkick and is able to tag Big Show in. Show tosses Kurt out, and Luther gets a chokeslam. Eddie back up, and Big Show signals for the frogsplash. Eddie goes up, and Big Show is helping hip up to his shoulders, but Kurt is there to shove Eddie off. Kurt applies the boots outside, Big Show goes to break things up, and we are off for commercials.

Back, and Kurt is trying to apply the ankle lock, but Eddie is kicking around so much that he turns it over into a half crab. Eddie kicks Kurt off, but Kurt continues to go after the ankle. Eddie makes the ropes and Kurt has to break. Tag to Luther, and he works on the ankle some more. Double underhook suplex, and tag back to Kurt. Kurt with the leg lock, but Eddie works his way around and ends up applying the ankle lock on Kurt. Kurt tags Luther in, and he stops Eddie in his tracks, tho. Luther looking to powerbomb Eddie, but Eddie reverses into a head scissors and crawls for the tag. Luther gets his, and Angle comes in a split second too late, running straight into a Big Show clothesline. Another for Luther, and then a tag back to Eddie. This time, the from-the-shoulders frogsplash connects! Eddie covers: 1-2-Waitaminnute! Mark Jindrak is out to break up the cover. WTF? Eddie is tossed, and he runs over and smacks Big Show one in the mouth. Big Show doesn’t like that, and comes in and levels Mark with a clothesline. He works on Luther and Mark; meanwhile, Kurt is outside and loading a tranquilizer gun?!? Well, I guess it breaks up the predictability of simply coming in with a chair. While Big Show grabs Luther and Mark, preparing for a double chokeslam, Kurt takes aim and fires. The tranq instantly starts taking effect with Big Show stumbling around, trying to reach a taunting Kurt. Kurt moves in, and Big Show surprises him for a second with a burst of energy, but that doesn’t last long as the tranq finally does it’s business and puts Show down. Kurt powwows with Mark and sends him to the back. He returns quickly with barber tools. Kurt grabs the scissors and starts shearing hair off. The electric clippers are brought into play and Kurt gets a good chunk of hair shorn off, all the wile ranting about how “this is what you get for throwing me off a balcony!” Nearly getting paralyzed – getting all your hair cut off. Sounds like a fair tradeoff to me! I’m sure that as soon as Christopher Reeve is able to walk again, he’s going after that horse with a set of shears. Kurt then stops, lifts Show’s head, and tells the photographer to take pics like he’s taken down some big game. Kurt grins wide for the camera, we fade to WWE logo, and we’re outta here!

Well, That was an interesting way to spend the 5^th year anniversary. Nothing spectacular, wrestling wise, but the memories were fun to see. As for the show tonight:

I’m looking forward to London vs. Kidman at the PPV, but I’m even more looking forward to London challenging for the US title. Maybe he can bring the A-Game out of Booker, unlike Cena.

Spike retains, and what with Rey challenging for the tag titles at No Mercy, it looks like the little guys are going to be without representation on a PPV again, unless they step someone else up next week, but who? Scotty 2 Hotty wanting retribution for his punkout a month ago? Right now, they can’t make a Cruiserweight match for the PPV that will have people caring about it on any level, and that sucks.

The Schoolgirl match: I’d like to say that it was just some harmless fun and good titillation, but all that went out the window as soon as Moolah’s music hit. At least they didn’t give them a pinfall over a diva that actually, you know, means something. But for all the eye scrubbing, I was still laughing at the ladies antics, and at least this segment didn’t’ pretend to be anything more than the comedy it was.

Heidenreich staying out of the ring and reading poetry is nice and all, but we all know that it’s going to lead to him kicking someones ass in the ring. Let’s just hope he doesn’t potato anyone.

Cena, as well, only talked tonight. Only this time, he looked and sounded better than he has in weeks. It was quite refreshing to NOT hear him talk about the alternative lifestyles of his opponents. Now if he can just keep that going. Come on, John, you were able to bust cool rhymes out like this left and right when you were a heel!

Main even was as good as you’d expect. Ending had me going, “Oh what the hell!” but at least it was original. Will the Bald Show get over? Who knows, tune in next week.

As for me, I’m outta here. See ya next week!