5-minute out bumper: In the first 5 minutes, all these superstars had better watch out, because here comes Carlito Caribbean Cool! At least, that’s what it looked like with the sound muted.
 

Smackdown opening, and we are Live (taped) from Boston, Mass. Later, Big Show will face Mark Jindrak and J”B”L will face Hardcore Holly, but first…

Not quite as promised, 9 minutes into the show, here comes Carlito Caribbean Cool (W/ Apple.) He’s in the ring, and states that Cena winning the US title is really cool, especially seeing as how people who wear Red Sox jerseys never win anything. While he’s impressed by the title, he doesn’t think Cena’s cool, so he spits in the face of people who aren’t cool. He goes to take a bite of the apple, but Cena stops him. Cena has been watching Carlito’s vignettes, and he knows his game. And while he may look like Pedro Martinez, he’s a bigger jackass than A-Rod. And if Carlito takes a bite of that apple, Cena guarantees that he’ll not be spitting it, Cena will make sure he swallows. Carlito says that’s cool (puts the apple away), and says that while it took John Cena 5 matches to win the title, Carlito can do it in 1. John Says that Carlito is in the wrong part of town, and how about he gets his as stomped all over Boston? Carlito begs off and says that having the match right now isn’t cool, because you can’t ruin clothes like these! He says he’s gotta change, and says that later tonight, it’s cool. He goes for a handshake, getting “you can’t see me!” in response. Carlito grabs for Cena’s hand, Cena pulls away, Carlito hits a DDT, pulls the apple out, takes a bite, and spits in Cena’s face. Play Carlito’s music, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko and Rene DuPree) is out. Hiroko has both Japanese and French flags in her hair. Hiroko announces that Kenzo has something to say, and Kenzo launches into an embarrassingly bad version of “New York, New York!” As he does his best Rockette impression…

Here comes Rey Mysterio (W/ Rob Van Dam) out for the match.

Kenzo overpowers to start, Rey comes back with a few kicks, but Kenzo dodges a moonsault, kicks Rey down, then drags him across the ring sending him out. RVD is out to warn Rene off, and Rey gets back in the ring. Kenzo continues overpowering him until Rey gets a head scissors. That’s stopped by a double underhook into a headbutt. Kenzo turns his back and Rey gets a dropkick to send him into the ropes. Rene up to try and interfere, but Rey 6-1-9’s him off the apron. Kenzo gets a chop in, but Rey gets a drop toehold, and hits the 6-1-9. Rey going to drop the dime, but Rene is there to grab his leg. RVD comes in with a kick to send him away, and Rey springboards in, but gets caught in a goozle. Rey reverses the Setting Sun into a rollup for the 1-2-3. Rey and RVD celebrate as we go to…

The WWE just received the Make-A-Wish foundation’s award for outstanding service.

Backstage, and Josh Matthews has John “Bradshaw” Layfield (who is apparently still bleeding from his match with Undertaker, as the bandage covering the stitches in his head is soaked in blood) cornered for an interview. John quotes Bush (the first one) by saying “No new Champion.” Her promised that he’d beat Undertaker, and he delivered. Josh asks about having to face Hardcore Holly next, and he isn’t happy about having to face a NASCAR driving redneck. But he’ll do it, just so that he can satisfy all those fans that love to chant his name: J”B”L! He gets Josh to join in on the chant, and heads out.

Back, and J”B”L is out for his (Non-Title) rematch against Hardcore Holly. Holly chases J”B”L around the ring, but J”B”L gets the drop on Hardcore as he comes back in and lays in with some forearms, but Holly quickly turns the tide. Holly pounds on J”B”L, reopening the wound on J”B”L’s head. J”B”L comes back with some basic brawling ns sends Holly to the outside. He tries to make Holly eat ringsteps, but Holly reverses the whip and J”B”L eats them instead. Back in the ring and they are back and forth. During this, Orlando Jordan makes his appearance. Hardcore is firmly in control after hitting a Dropkick, a pair of suplexes, and a flying elbow. Bradshaw runs into an Alabama Slam, and as Hardcore tries to follow up, Orlando grabs the leg. J”B”L bails, and Hardcore wants to go drag him back in, but Orlando is holding his leg fast. The ref counts 10, and Hardcore gets a countout win, but he isn’t happy with that. Nothing the ref can do, so we go to commercials.

Back, and a month or so ago, Chavo got hurt by the Shooting star press, but have no fear, because he’s coming back in two weeks.

Backstage, Paul Heyman bumps into Theodore Long, and Teddy says that the events that happened at the PPV will not happen again on his watch. BUT, you know what the paramedics found when they used the Jaws of Life to pry open the Hearse? Nothing! No Undertaker, no body, nothing! So, even though Heidenreichs actions bordered on the criminal, because Teddy knows that Undertaker will take care of him in his own due time. Heyman is flustered by this, but promises that Heidenreich is an unstoppable animal, and tonight, the animal will be reciting his poetry in the ring.

Raw Rewind: stuff happened.

Back, and Kurt Angle is in the dressing room saying the reason he lost was due to a bronchial infection. He’s so angry that he’s willing to go after the Big Show himself, but his doctors won’t let him, so the task falls to Mark Jindrak.

Commercials.

Back, and Teddy has an announcement: Next week, it’s the rematch EVERYONE (snerk) has been begging for: Hardcore Holly vs. J”B”L, and this time, it’ll be hardcore rules, and also for the WWE title!

Out to the arena, Mark Jindrak (W/ Kurt Angle) is out to take on The Big Show. Kurt takes the 3^rd headset, but is silent.

Mark tries to stall with Referee Charles Robinson to start, but Big Show isn’t screwing around, so he grabs him a beals him into the ring. Big Show throwing Jindrak around, standing on his head in the corner, and more throwing him around. Kurt stands at one point and Big Show steps out to ask him if he’s got something to say. Kurt sits back down, and as Big Show goes to get back into the ring, Jindrak dropkicks him down. Jindrak going out and pounding on show, working the shoulder, but Big Show keeps getting out. Finally, Big show throws Jindrak out of the ring. Luther runs down, but is intercepted by Eddie Guerrero. Big Show gets a chokeslam on Jindrak, and that’s it. Eddie in the ring, and now he and Big Show are bestest buds as Luther points and fumes.

Backstage, with a quick review of the DDT, Josh has Carlito cornered, and wonders why he disrespected John Cena earlier tonight. Carlito (after doing a “cool” assessment on Josh’s hairstyle, fake tan, and ugly shirt) says that John disrespected HIM by refusing to shake his hand. He says Cool a few more times, and ends his promo with his waves graphic filing up the screen. And we’re off to Commercial.

Ok, I know this is really wrong, but I think the Asian puppet in Team America: World Police is kinda hot…

Back, and we review Billy’s dickish actions against Paul London.

Billy Kidman (in new black ring jacket) is out to take on Charlie Haas (W/ Miss Jackie).

Charlie starts by working the arm, then getting a series of arm drags. Kidman turns things around with a stun gun, and goes to work on Charlies back. Chinlock with the knee in the back is powered out of, but Billy yanks Charlie down. Billy picks Charlie up and Charlie hits a suplex. Back Body Drop, clothesline, and Charlie gets the flying cross body. Kidman turns things around by getting a boot up on a charging Charlie. Charlie goes down, and Billy decides it’s time for a Shooting Star Press. Miss Jackie gets in the way, tho, and Billy climbs down to physically remove her. She goes to slap him and Billy puts her into the BK Bomb. Charlie has come too, but eats a quick dropkick to send him out of the ring. Billy then drags Jackie to the corner and looks to hit the shooting star, but before leaping, says she’s not worth it and climbs down. Rico runs out to protect Jackie, and Billy locks glares with Rico as refs and trainers come out to tend to Jackie.

Moments ago: Miss Jackie had a bad night.

Backstage, and Orlando Jordan is going to get J”B”L some ice and whatever else he needs. While hurrying on his way, he bumps into Booker T and tries to get him to spout off his catch phrases, but booker is having none of it. He says that he’s nobody’s “Dog,” Especially not some Errand running, Coffee grabbing, ass kissing sucka like Orlando. “Now can you dig THAT, Suckaaa!?”

We get another quick review of J”B”L vs. Unertaker from No Mercy and it’s off to commercials.

Back, and we take another look at the potential candidates for Tough Enough.

Tazz and Cole are interrupted in mid laugh by “This. Is. HEIDENREICH!” Heidenreich is sporting a shiner from the crash on Sunday. While Heyman tells us that despite the fact that Undertaker might just be in the building tonight, Heidenreich will be reading some poetry, the camera zooms in and in a clear shot of his chest tattoo, we see that it’s a nekkid demon chick. Paul hands it over to Heidenreich who gets a few lines out, but the booing of the fans unsettle him and he has to start over. He starts over, but again, can’t get more than a couple lines out. After a third unsuccessful attempt, he finally gets pissed and goes into the crowd. He gets in the face of some guy who talks trash right back to him, and gets a right upside the head for his troubles. Heidenreich beats him and his friend down until Event staff (who have been STANDING RIGHT THERE the whole time) finally break it up.

Enterprise season premiere tomorrow night: Hey! Looks like they’ve found YET ANOTHER Temporal Anomaly™!

Back, and the United States Championship is on the line! Carlito Caribbean Cool is out to challenge John Cena, as set up earlier.

Cena Chases Carlito around the ring to start, Carlito takes a powder to get away, but Cena follows out and clotheslines him, causing his head to bounce off the floor (don’t worry, the afro protected him.) Cena grabbing a fans inflatable hand and giving Carlito a “you can’t see me!” Cena back in the ring and kicking and punching Carlito down. Cena Lifts Carlito up into a delayed suplex, doing a few leg presses just to look cool. Cena continuing to pound him down, getting a big stinky legdrop, cover gets two. Sidewalk slam gets two. Carlito tries to bail again, but Cena grabs him and makes him eat ringsteps. Carlito makes it back in on the count of 8. Carlito grabs the ropes on a whip, and when Cena charges, Carlito low bridges him. Carlito follows him out and rams his head into the apron a couple times and kicks him down. Cena rolled back in, and Carlito tries to follow up, but Cena is still in control and brawls him out of the ring again. Cena gets a slingshot, sending Carlito into over the barricade (and nearly into a kid.) Cena gets back in the ring and as the ref starts the count, we go to commercial.

Back, and Cena is in control as he goes for a cross body, but Carlito ducks and Cena eats mat. Carlito gets a spinebuster and cover only gets two. Carlito goes nuts on him, has him eat a high elbow, and cover gets two. Carlito hits a slingshot elbow, then covers for two. Carlito grabs a sleeper hold. Cena powers up, and works his way around so that he can hit a back body drop. Both men crawling back up and Carlito comes in with a right, but Cena blocks and has some fisticuffs of his own. Carlito into the corner, Bulldog, you can’t see me, 5-knuckle shuffle, cover gets 2. Time to pump it up, Carlito picked up for an F-U, but Carlito grabs the ropes and is able to pull himself over. Cena clubs him with a right, and Carlito falls onto the steps. Carlito gets up, grabs the title belt and stalks back into the ring. Cena is there with fisticuffs to stop him and he grabs the belt. The ref takes it away from him and while they are distracted with this, Carlito grabs Cena’s chain. The ref is handing the belt to the ring boy as Carlito clocks Cena with the chain. Carlito disposes of the chain and goes to cover. The ref is over and counting, 1-2-3? Whoa, we have a new US champion! Carlito is all smiles as the ref gets the belt and insists that he place it around his waist. Carlito walks over, grabs the chain, and dangles it above Cena’s prone form and then puts it around his own neck. The ref puts two and two together, but realizes that the decision has been made and reluctantly raises Carlito’s hand. We fade out to the dulcet tones of Carlito’s music as we catch the WWE logo and we are outta here.

Well, isn’t that something? I was expecting Carlito to win (by DQ, countout, whatever) but I wasn’t expecting him to actually walk out of the Fleet center the new US champion in his first WWE match. Match itself was actually pretty basic, but this development is an interesting eye opener.

Rest of the card was good enough. Heidenreich beating up the fans was there. Rey furthering the feud with the Franco-Japerican connection was enjoyable, but I hope they drop this Kenzo “I love America” act soon, or at least tone it down a bit. Don’t make the man sing and dance. Billy slowly turning into the loose cannon is about as much spark as I’ve seen in his character in years. Big Show and Angles thing didn’t really go anyplace, but they still looked good while doing it. Oh, and welcome back, Babyface Booker.

See ya next week!