So the past week or so, I’ve been on a big hair metal kick. It all started when I caught Metal Mania on VH1 Classic and it’s been a downward spiral ever since. And as I listen to my Ratt, Motley Crue, Bulletboys, Autograph, Quiet Riot, etc. I grow nostalgic for the days when Rock and Roll was about having a good time, drinking, fighting, having sex with anything that moves, and not about whining about how your dad took away the controller for your PS2 and limited you to 3 hours a night of online time on the computer because you got a D in English. Oh for the return of good music.
 

Anyway, on with the wrasslin!

5-Minutes out: It’s Hardcore Holly vs. J”B”L in a hardcore match for the WWE Championship! Yeah, I know, you all can’t wait. Well, you’ll just 

WWE leader, and Backstage, all the Smackdown Superstars are gathered and talking excitedly. Theodore Long takes center stage and informs us that John Cena will not be joining us. You see, after Smackdown last week, Cena decided to go out on the town, and while at a club, he got into a fracas, and while in that fracas, he received numerous puncture wounds, one of them damaging his kidney. Now Cena is in stable condition, but he won’t be back for a while, but he does want everyone to know the he wishes that the show must go on. But with Cena out of action, who is the #1 contender for the US Championship? Well, that is going to be decided in an open invitation Battle Royal. Teddy shuffles everyone out, but is stopped for a second by Carlito. “You know the thing about guys like Cena? *Fingers Cena’s chain around his neck* They are just a bunch of thugs. That’s not cool.”

Smackdown Opening, Pyro and we are LIVE (taped) for the first time EVER from Manchester, Jolly Olde England. And right out of the gate, it’s Rob Van Dam Vs. Rene DuPree (W/ Kenzo Suzuki, Hiroko, and Fifi). Rene talks some French trash, and Hiroko says that Kenzo would like to honor the greatest country in the world. Kenzo grabs the mic and starts belting out “Living in America.” After the second “Hit me!” the Ref decides our eardrums have been tortured enough and ejects Kenzo from ringside. RVD is in full “Neener, Neener, Neeeeener!” mode when Rene sneak attacks and the match is on. Pretty basic stuff until RVD hits a release German suplex on Rene that folds his head about 20 Degrees beyond the sick point. RVD hits a quick Rolling thunder, spinning Heel kick, cover, and that’s it.

Tazz and Michael Cole replay the suplex, and then are aghast at Heidenreichs actions last week. Now, we don’t have the footage of the actual attack, but here’s a crying kid! See what you did, Heidey! You are a naughty, naughty, naughty person!

Backstage, and Teddy has Paul Heymans ear. He and Heidenreich are lucky that the guys Heidenreich beat up haven’t decided whether or not to press charges, but the vote is still out on whether or not Teddy will lose his job over the incident. But if Teddy goes down, he’ll drag Heyman and Little Johnny along with him. Now, what Heyman is going to do is go out to the ring, and apologize for what happened. And he had better be humble and sincere. Paul agrees, and walks off. “Wait, Wait, Wait! What if while Heidenreich and I are out there, the Undertaker interferes?” Teddy just smirks as we go to commercials. Oh, and the audience was dead quiet until the Undertakers name was mentioned.

Back, and Charlie Haas (W/ injured knee) is out to finish his match with Thug Life Billy Kidman.

Billy tries to go in, but Charlie unloads with the right hands. He forces Billy into the corner and chokes him out. The ref separates them, but Charlie is right back in, screaming about how Billy hurt Jackie. Kidman whipped across the ring and Charlie limps in, but Billy goes after the knee. Billy pounds on it for a few minutes, wraps it around the ring post, then goes up for the Shooting Star Press. Once Billy is on top, Dawn-Marie runs down and screams for him not to do it. Billy ignores her, and hits it (almost breaking his own neck in the process.) Cover, and 1-2-3. Billy is all arrogant smirk as Dawn-Marie goes absolutely apeshit outside. The trainer is down and trying to tend to Charlie, but he’s refusing the attention. Dawn-Marie is really pouring on the ACTING with her hysterics.

Commercials.

Moments ago, Charlie didn’t have a good night, but as he was carried off, Dawn-Marie took Charles Robinson’s place under his left arm, not so subtly placing his hand on her breast.

Backstage, the Page 3 girls are all atwitter as Luther comes in grabs a bottle, starts oiling himself up, and starts using some of the lamest pickup lines on record. After offering to show them some action AFTER the show, they burst his bubble by saying that they already have a date… with Eddie Guererro. Luther tells them that was a mistake, and that Eddie is going to be destroyed tonight. Oh yeah, and when he said the girls were hot; He lied!

Elsewhere, Josh Mathews has the ear of John “Bradshaw” Layfield. John is aghast at the thought of defending the title in a hardcore match. He says that this is probably just what the barbarians in Manchester want. He then riffs one of Bret Hart’s classic lines and says that if he were to give England an enema, then he’d stick the hose right here in Manchester.

After going over a quick recap of last weeks US title match, Team Angle is out to kick off the Open Invitation Battle Royal. While everyone else comes out, we’re going to commercials.

Hey, that Paper Mario commercial uses the same music from “True Romance.” That’s cool.

We’re back with FBI just making their entrances. No sooner do they hit the ring then it’s time for the brawling. Lots of brawling. Orlando Jordan goes out first, followed shortly by Funaki. Kenzo and Rene eliminate Nunzio, and then Rene betrays Kenzo and eliminates him. Johnny the Bull goes out next, then Spike Dudley. RVD is out courtesy D-Von Dudley. The Dudleys try to eliminate Rey, but Rey gets a double headscissors and (with a little help from Eddie) eliminates BOTH Dudleys. Rey is about to go, but Eddie is there to make the save. Rey dragged back in, and RVD decides to get a little retribution by hitting a springboard cross body as we go to commercials.

We’re back, and it doesn’t look like anyone got eliminated. Woot! Here’s Scotty 2 Hotty with the Worm on Billy Kidman. Kurt Angle spoils the fun by tossing him out, tho. Rene is working Rico over in the corner. Rico reverses out of a slingshot attempt and locks in the Greco Roman liplock. Rene is so disgusted that he eliminates himself. Rey eliminates Billy, Luther eliminates Rico, Mark Jindrak tries to eliminate Eddie, but Eddie pulls Mark out after him and skins the cat back in. It was to no avail, tho, as Eddie gets quickly eliminated by Luther. Angle and Luther attempt to doubleteam Rey, but heel miscommunication results in Luther getting eliminated.

Rey and Kurt now alone in the ring. Rey tries to fly around, but Kurt grounds him with bodyslams and suplexes. Rey gets hung up on the ropes, so Kurt applies the ankle lock. Rey flips over, nearly throwing Kurt out. Both men back in and Kurt trying to bodyslam Rey out. Rey fights with him, hangmanning him to get him off. Rey back in and Kurt going for an Angle slam, but Rey reverses into a DDT. Rey going up top, but Kurt runs up to try for a belly-to-belly superplex. Rey headbutts him off, and Kurt crotches himself. Rey tries kicking him off, but Kurt is tenacious. Rey tries for a 6-1-9, but Kurt ducks. They continue to fight with Kurt on the apron until Rey hits a 6-1-9 around the ringpost that knocks Kurt off the apron, making Rey Mysterio YOUR #1 contender for the US title!

Back, and after a quick look at the Albert Memorial, Josh has Rey cornered and is asking him for his thoughts. He doesn’t get 2 words out before Carlito Caribbean Cool shows up and says that While Rey winning the match was Cool, that guys that hide behind masks, that’s not cool. Also, Carlito doesn’t want to wait until tomorrow, next week, or next month. Carlito wants Rey TONIGHT, unless a little guy like Rey has a problem with wrestling twice in one night. Rey says he’s got no problems, and says it’s on. Carlito walks off, but as soon as Rey turns his back, Carlito sucker punches him, kicks him while he’s down, and spits the apple at him.

Out in the arena, John “Bradshaw” Layfield (W/ Orlando Jordan) is out to defend his WWE title against Hardcore Holly in a hardcore match.

J”B”L tries to start things off by kicking Hardcore down, but Hardcore comes back. Both men out, holly thrown into the ringsteps and J”B”L goes for the weapons. Here come the steel chairs, road signs, trashcans, but he gets hung up on a Bobby’s helmet. Hardcore waffles him with a 5 KMH sign. They fight around to the announce table, where J”B”L blasts Hardcore with a monitor. Hardcore comes back, grabs a cricket bat, but gets kicked down. Both men back in the ring, Hardcore grabs a steel can, takes turns smashing J”B”L and Orlando with it, and as he goes for the Coup de Grace with the ring steps, J”B”L sneaks in with a chair shot, covers, the ref counts 3, and J”B”L retains.

Before we go to commercials, that kid is ON THE ESCALATOR AGAIN! Oh wait, no, they’re just showing us the crying kid from the Fleet center last week, because Heyman and Heidenreich’s apology is next.

Before the show, a bunch of fans were interviewed. One woman flew from as far as South Africa to see this historic Smackdown.

“Hei-den-Heidenreich!” and Paul Heyman are out. Paul takes the mic first, and apologizes. He hands the mic to Heidenreich who quickly says that these people are getting on his NERVES! Paul stops him quickly, and hands him a piece of paper with a prepared statement. Heidenreich says, "I’m John, and I’m sorry” very reluctantly, and hands the mic back to Paul. Paul looks to reinforce the apology, but Heidenreich snatches the mic back and says that while he apologized for beating down the fan, he doesn’t apologize for what he did to the Undertaker, and wants undertaker out here RIGHT NOW! If he doesn’t come out, he’s going to make someone pay. He storms out of the ring, threatens some fans, sends Cole skittering away, and can’t decide on whom to pummel. He follows Paul back into the ring and for a few seconds, Paul thinks it’s going to be him, but Heidenreich instead decides to lie down in the middle of the ring and throw a tantrum. As he does this, we head to commercials. Hope that flight from South Africa was worth all this, lady.

Back, and after a quick graphic letting us know that Chavo will be back next week, Rey Mysterio is out to take on Carlito Caribbean Cool for the United States Championship.

Bell rings, and Carlito uses power to control early. Rey hits a senton, but Carlito takes over with a clothesline. Rey set up top, and Carlito goes for a superplex, but Rey punches him back down again. Carlito nearly spills out, but catches himself before hitting the floor. Rey with a kick to help him fall the rest of the way down. Rey up, and hitting a flying cross body to the floor. Rey back in, raising the fist, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and during the break, Carlito regained control with the eyepoke of doom and a posting of Rey. Rey coming back, but Carlito with a right to the head, and then slides Rey out of the ring. Carlito ramming Reys shoulder into the post again, then rolling Rey back in. Carlito with a Fujiwara armbar. Rey twists out and Carlito pounding Rey down. Carlito tries a sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and hits a dropkick. Both men back up, and Rey ducks a clothesline and unloads some machinegun punches. Rey with a drop toehold, La Magestral cradle, but that only gets him two. Carlito comes back, pounds Rey down, applies a hammerlock, and bodyslams Rey. Carlito goes up, but Rey gets a foot up and Carlito is knocked silly. Rey with a springboard moonsault. Cover, but that only gets 2. Rey sets Carlito up and hits the 6-1-9. Rey out to drop the dime, but Carlito catches him, drops him down, and locks in the Fujiwara again. Rey struggles, and eventually makes the ropes. Carlito is pissed and unloads with the boots. Rey whipped across the ring, and he jumps up to try for a springboard, but Carlito rushes in with a forearm to the back. Carlito picking Rey up on his shoulders, but Rey spins out and gets a victory roll. Carlito reverses and rolls Rey up, wrapping his arm around the ring rope to secure himself, the ref counts 3, and Carlito retains the title. Carlito beats feet quickly as Rey stares in disbelief.

Commercials.

Back, and Eddie Guererro (W/ Page 3 Girls in the Mini Cooper low rider. Why lower a Mini? Isn’t it low enough already?) is out to take on Luther Reigns, who is all business.

Luther in the ring and Eddie taking things right to him. Eddie with the right hands, Luther trying to press him, but Eddie answers with a dropkick. Eddie whips the shirt off, and apparently, that was the source of his power, as Luther takes over with a clothesline. Luther with a backbreaker and stretching Eddie out over his knee. Eddie with knees to the head (Yaa! Yaa!) and he gets out, only to walk into a butterfly suplex. Eddie locked into the backbreaker stretch again, and Eddie knees his way out again. Eddie with the knockdown and it’s time for the Three Amigos. Eddie getting ready for the frogsplash, but Mark Jindrak is down to pull him out of the ring. Eddie fights him off, but here come Luther and with it two on one, the ref has no choice but to call for the bell. Mark and Luther beating Eddie down, and here comes Kurt with the scissors and electric shears. Kurt is about to go to work when, “Weeeeeelllllll!” Here comes the Big Show to make the save. Big Show clears the ring, and no sooner has he chokeslammed Jindrak then we are fading out and we’re outta here.

Hmm, I’m starting to get the distinct feeling that Smackdown is spinning its wheels. Nothing tonight really felt advanced. Yes, the hot crowd helped the atmosphere, but it felt like they were trying to cram 3 hours worth of programming into a 2-hour show. I know they wanted to get everyone out there for the fans to see in Manchester, but it just felt like a glorified house show.

Carlito and Rey was the standout matchup tonight, with Carlito looking a little more comfortable in the ring than last week. His charisma is still top notch, tho.

Everything else just didn’t seem to click with me.

Why was Heidenreich’s little temper tantrum not relegated to Velocity?

J”B”L vs. Hardcore. Big Whoop.

Big Show: Thanks for flying all the way across the Atlantic for your 30 seconds of TV time

All the rest of the matches: typical, forgettable fare.

Where was Booker T?

Maybe when they are back in the states next week and not trying to impress all of Europe, they can get back on track.

See ya next week.