To all my fellow Marines out there, Happy 229^th Birthday, Teufel Hunden.

5 minutes out: No leader this week. I guess WWE thinks this show will sell itself. Well, they have me, so…
 

Before we get to the “Action” tho, Al gives Chris Nowaki a chance to quit, because last week, Kurt Angle hurt him, giving him a broken rib. Chris declines and Al had the dreaded envelope. He opens it, and reveals that it’s Chris Mitchell that has been cut. He looks heartbroken, but come on, how heartbroken can you bee with the seat cut out of your blue jeans and “Big Time” written across your ass cheeks?

Torrie Wilson is brought out, and says that the Sex Test is that each of the contestants gets 15 seconds to make out with a WWE Diva and she’ll choose who will make the best lover. If you haven’t guessed who it’s going to be by now, turn in your wrestling fan card. Torrie gets a song from Chris, comments on another guys “Small package” and then SWERVES US ALL by bringing Dawn Marie out. Dawn is looking all 49 types of scorching hot in a white 2-piece. Dawn gets in the ring, flirts with all the guys, but then stops the presses by informing us that it will NOT be Dawn Marie being the judge. Being accompanied by Fabulous Moolah, it’s Mae Young. Mae gets in the ring, makes out with the guys, and the crowd goes mild. The only reaction worth noting was Danny Rod’s, who, instead of posing and crotch thrusting lasciviously like everyone else did, tried begging off and saying he needed his chapstick. Mae finishes and announces the winner as being the Ultimate Fighter guy. His prize? A lapdance from Mae. Did I really just waste 3 paragraphs on this crap? Damn me and my tireless work ethic…

Back, and backstage, Rey is getting Chavo for their match, and Chavo is telling someone in the locker room that he’s not changing his mind. Rey asks who it was, Chavo simply says, “An old friend.”

Spike Dudley is already in the ring as he is joined by Billy Kidman for their match against Rey Mysterio and Chavo Guererro.

Spike (W/ full on evil goatee) starts with Chavo, and brings it with some brawling around, but Chavo comes back with a dropkick and arm drags him all over the place. Tag to Rey, and Rey flies all around, but falls to a Spike boot and Spike commando jump on Rey. Tag to Billy, and he controls for a few seconds until Rey gets a dropkick and tags Chavo in. Chavo goes after Billy, but Spike tries to interfere, so Chavo dispatches him with a clothesline. Chavo turns around into a dropkick, tho, and Billy starts working Chavo down, hitting some chinlocks. Tag to Spike, but Chavo explodes, kicks Kidman down, and suplexes Spike into him. Tag to Rey, and he hits a double flying body press. The heels team up on him for a bit, but Chavo comes back in, tosses Kidman, then drop toeholds Spike into position. Oop, gotta take care of Kidman, so Chavo Slingshot bodypresses him as Rey hits the 6-1-9. Rey does a delayed springboard splash back in, covers, and picks up the win for his team.

Backstage, Josh Matthews is talking with a techie when Orlando Jordan walks up and wants to say he’s sorry. Last week, Josh earned Orlando and J”B”L’s respect in that match. Josh snorts an “ok” and starts to walk off. Orlando grabs him and tells him to shake hands. Josh complies then tries to walk off, but Orlando says, “Don’t try to pull away from me” and smacks him around a bit. Josh is left lying as we go to commercials.

Back, and Booker T is yelling at Theodore Long about the heinosity of Orlando’s actions. Josh manages to mumble out, “I want Orlando tonight.” And because J”B”L will be in Orlando’s corner, Booker insinuates he wants to be in Josh’s. Teddy says he can see where this is going, and gives Josh his wish, tells Booker to get the boy ready, and Josh looks like he’s wondering whether this was a good idea or not.

Elsewhere, Rob Van Dam helps Big Show stretch out as Eddie looks concerned. RVD and Big Show reassure Eddie that their mystery 4^th man will show up and to relax.

Raw Rewind. Rick did it better.

Back to the arena and here comes Orlando Jordan (W/ John “Bradshaw” Layfield) to take on some commercials…

Back, and now we get Josh Matthews (W/ Booker T). Orlando gives us, “Aww, isn’t he cute!” for a second and then starts moving in menacingly. Josh jumps on Orlando and tries to do... something, but that comes up to nothing. Orlando puts him on the top turnbuckle, tousles his hair and walks away. Josh goes for a flying cross body, but Orlando catches him and hoists him up on his shoulder. Josh wriggles out, tho and hits a dropkick that sends Orlando into the ropes. Orlando is pissed and he goes after Josh, who bails and hides behind Booker. Josh back in and ducking Orlando’s clotheslines. He gets too close to J”B”L who trips him up and Orlando takes over with stomps. Orlando controls like this for a while with Josh getting a few shots in here and there. Endgame comes when, after getting superkicked down by Booker, J”B”L tries to interfere. While the ref is distracted, Booker comes in, nails Orlando from behind, causing a Ref/J”B”L noggin knocker, Josh gets the low blow, Booker finishes it with an Axe Kick. Josh dragged over; the ref turns around, counts the pin, and Josh has won his first solo match.

Back from commercials, and Rob Van Dam and Eddie Guererro are out for their match. And how fashion conscious of RVD, his singlet matches Eddies LowRider. Eddie and RVD are having a good ole’ time in the ring when Mark Jindrak and Luther Reigns come out. Before the match starts, Carlito Cool (W/ Jesus) is out to sit at the commentary table.

Mark and RVD start. Lockup, RVD forced into the corner. Mark pounds on him for a bit, RVD comes back, mark gets a good shot in, tag to Luther. Luther overpowering RVD, but RVD gets a random kick in, tag to Eddie who slingshot sentons his way in on Luther, RVD with a cartwheel splash, and just like that, we’re off to commercial.

Back, and Eddie is in trouble as Luther is tagged in and he stomps on him and hits a couple elbow drops. Tag back to Mark, and as he dos more of the same, we get a graphic of Carlito doing the apple spit on Michael Cole. In the ring, Eddie gets away and tags RVD in. RVD goes to town on Mark, but gets distracted by a trash talking Carlito. Mark takes advantage by dropkicking him out. The damage done, Carlito sits back down and the heels start beating RVD down, taking turns. Mark pisses on the grave of Rick Rude by doing the gyrations. RVD tries to power up, but Luther is tagged in and he beats RVD down some more. Eddie tries to help, but gets forced back into his corner. Luther looking for a powerslam, but RVD reverses into a reverse DDT. Double tag, and Eddie cleans house on Mark. Luther blind tags in, and falls right into the 3 amigos, with RVD adding rolling thunder for effect. Carlito jumps up on the apron, but RVD is there to dropkick him off. RVD tries to follow up with a slingshot bodypress, but Carlito dodges and RVD eats floor. Eddie is up for a frogsplash, but Jesus pulls him down. Eddie grabs a chair and Jesus backs off. Eddie, instead, hits the ring apron, tosses the chair to Jesus, and lays himself out on the announcers table. The ref sees Jesus with the chair and proceeds to eject him and Carlito. Eddie and RVD both back in the ring. They take Mark and Luther down and hit stereo frogsplashes. Eddie covers Luther, ref counts 3, and that’s the match.

After the match, Eddie informs us that he’s gotten the call he was waiting for. Carlito and company shrug it off until Eddie informs us that their 4^th member is John Cena. Carlito can’t believe his ears and we go to commercials.

Back, and Carlito is protesting to Teddy Cena’s addition to the team. Teddy calls bullshit, and says that not only was Carlito in the club, but Jesus as well. So, despite Carlito’s protestations, John Cena will be in the match. Carlito snaps and starts protesting profusely in Spanish as Teddy informs him that that s’s cool, and to holla!

Al Snow is out with the Tough Enough guys, we get another 5 minutes or so wasted by a recap of earlier tonight and we are entreated to exercise our god given right and vote for your favorite.

Backstage, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is looking stern. He says that he was always the main eventer in Texas and Japan over Booker T, that he was smart enough to leave Texas and get a better life, unlike Booker T. He says that if he’s defeated at Survivor Series, that he won’t come back as a second class citizen, that he’ll go do a weekly financial analysis show, whatever, but he won’t come back to Smackdown. But it’s not going to be easy for Booker, as J”B”L has been piledriven on steel steps, put through tables, chokeslammed through his own limo, frogsplashed off the top of a cage, and yet he still stands tall. But if Booker T should somehow pull off a win at Survivor Series, then the fans of Smackdown will never see him again.

Back, and Cole and Tazz are talking about what a psycho Heidenreich is. They show a clip of Heidenreich abusing Charlie Haas last week. Paul Heyman, who is taking umbrage at their disrespect of Heidenreich, interrupts them. Paul smacks Cole when he gets uppity and knocks him into Tazz. Tazz has had enough, and stands up. Paul retreats to the safety of the ring, where Heidenreich has appeared. Cole and Tazz look to back down, but Tazz decides that something should be done, takes off his headset, mic box, jacket, and starts climbing into the ring. One step up, tho, the lights go out, and with an audible pop telling the bad editing job by the monkeys in the back, an instant later, Undertaker is in the ring face to face with Heidenreich. Heidenreich tries to stare him down, but Undertaker isn’t backing off. Heidenreich takes a step towards, but Heyman is right there to pull him back and drag him to the back.

Commercials

Back, and Tazz has calmed down enough to run down the card for Survivor series.

After the rundown, “Wellllll!” It’s the Big Show out for his match against Kurt Angle (W/ Mark Jindrak, Luther Reigns, Carlito Cool, and Jesus.) Kurt wants Big Show to see his team and says that even though Big Show is big and strong, Kurt knows how to take him down. Kurt says that Cena isn’t going to be 100% at Survivor Series, and neither will Big Show. With that, all the heels climb into the ring, but before anything can happen, RVD’s music hits and he and Eddie make their way to the ring to even the odds up a bit. Before the match can start, it’s time for our last commercial break.

Back, and Angle bails to get away from a charging Big Show. Angle back in and he tries to bring it with the rights, but Big Show overpowers him. Angle bails again and show follow him out. Angle posted and thrown back in. more Big Show overpowering stuff until Angle dodges a charge and jumps on his back and locks in a sleeper hold. Big show powers his way up, but gets tripped up by Mark Jindrak. This draws the ire of Eddie and RVD, and they get a few seconds of offense in before Carlito hits both of them from behind with the chain. Back in the ring, Angle puts the ankle lock on. Big Show powers out, throws Angle around a bit, then calls for the Hogan leg drop. This is for naught, as Jindrak and Reigns jump in and double-team Big Show. Both men grab an arm as Angle grabs an ankle and puts the pressure on. They leave Show lying in the ring as they all stand triumphant and we fade out.

Well, decent enough show, but the Tough Enough crap killed the buzz early, making the rest of the show seem less special by comparison. In any case, I’ll be at Hooters Sunday for Survivor Series.

See ya next week!