Ok, first off; as many of you know, Dimebag Darrel, former lead guitarist for Pantera and current lead for DamagePlan, was shot and killed last night during a show in Columbus, Ohio. Of course, everyone remembers his searing guitar riff on “Walk” being Rob Van Dam’s entrance music of choice. In tribute to the man who has left me with many a sore neck from headbanging, I decree that everyone out there needs to load “Walk” into their playlists and rock out.
 

Anyway, enough of that, on with the WRASSLIN!

WWE Leader, and we have a flashback of last week and the show closing beatdown on Undertaker. 

Cold open to the here and now and we are in Greenville, South Carolina with John “Bradshaw” Layfield and his cabinet in the ring. John lists off great WWF champions of the past (Bruno Sammartino, Hulk Hogan, Bret Hart, Stone Cold, and The Rock) and says none of them, even on their best day, could take down Bradshaw. He reiterates that he’s beaten all 3 of his upcoming opponents at Armageddon. He goes on a ranting tear and as he mentions the Undertakers name again, the lights go down, they come back up, and lo and behold, THERE HE IS! ‘Taker clears house, Chokeslams for the Bashams, and that’s your show opener.

Back from commercials, and Tazz and Michael Cole are pondering the ramifications of Undertakers actions just now, and then throw us to a flashback featuring the hostilities between Hiroko and Torrie Wilson.

In the ring, the ring is full of cruiserweights as Chavo Guererro enters the ring and this is a battle royal for #1 contendership for the cruiserweight title. Only 7 men, tho. Come on, they couldn’t have called up a couple jobbers to flesh the ring out a bit? I mean I could probably name 5 Indy workers right off the top of my head in the area that would have given their right arms to simply be the first guys eliminated and make the match a little more exciting.

Oh yeah, the match. Nunzio is eliminated by Akio, Paul London gets eliminated by Kidman while working on Akio. After getting crotched on the top rope by Funaki, Shannon Moore springboard dropkicks Akio out. Shannon is apparently a heel this week as Chavo and Funaki pair off with him and Kidman. Shannon is eliminated by a Chavo dropkick when he tries to get cute on the top rope and as Chavo and Kidman tussle on the ropes, Funaki takes advantage, eliminates them both, AND FUNAKI IS YOUR #1 CONTENDER!!

Backstage, Charlie Haas has a street fight with Jesus up next and doesn’t want Miss Jackie at ringside. She protests, saying that they beat him up last week, and as the camera close-ups on Charlie’s blood red eyes, he says that’s WHY he doesn’t want Jackie at ringside this week. It’s his final word, and he heads out. As he’s walking, Josh Mathews stops him and asks him what his mindset is going to be like in the match at Armageddon where Jackie will be taking on Dawn-Marie. He says, “On the record” that he’s the ref, and of course he’ll call it down the middle. Off the record, he admits that he’s going to be favoring Jackie. Now, if you’ll excuse him, he has a street fight. Oh, and apparently the acoustics of the backstage area make “Charlie” sound just like “Hiroko,” as she made a brief appearance and scurried back when she saw she was in shot.

Tough Enough Prerecorded Promo Time: (for whatever reason, they used the Entrants as Diva’s footage from last week to preface each promo) Mike Mizannin is miffed that Justice and Puder are arguing amongst themselves without even considering him as a potential competitor in the Dixie Dogfight that will take place at Armageddon.

Back, and Jesus (W/ Carlito Caribbean Cool) are out for the street fight. Referee Charles Robinson ejects Carlito, and in the heat of the argument, gets a face full of apple, courtesy of Carlito’s expectorant abilities.

Charlie Haas is out fast, rushing the ring, and brawling Jesus down. Charlie goes out, gets a chair, and delivers one shot when Carlito comes back out saying, “Hey Charlie, I have something that belongs to you” and dragging Dawn-Marie behind him. Charlie is distracted long enough for Jesus to wrap the chain around his fist and clock Charlie upside the back of the head. Charles Robinson waves Jesus off the prone form of Charlie and Dawn scurries out of Carlito's grasp to go attend to Charlie. Miss Jackie is out right after, they are both attending to Charlie as they JUST NOW notice each other in the ring. Charlie is forgotten as they both give each other the intense gaze of sexual frustration, and the crowd goes mild.

Tough Enough Prerecorded Promo Time: Justice Smith predicts that he’ll prevail in the Dixie Dogfight.

In the dressing room, Diva Castoff Joy is primping as Luther Reigns appears over her shoulder in total creepy stalker mode. As she hyperventilates, he tells her to tell Big Show that he wants a word. He sniffs her hair for good measure and leaves her in shock. Or in the throes of an orgasm, can’t really tell…

Backstage, and J”B”L has Theodore Long cornered and isn’t happy that he is being forced to compete in a match tonight. He says he doesn’t have to stand for this, Diva Castoff Amy says Teddy’s actions are highly inappropriate, and Orlando calls him a disgrace.  Teddy tells OJ to shut up and informs J”B”L that at Armageddon, NONE of his cabinet will be at ringside. If any of them show up, then J”B”L will be stripped of his title. J”B”L is furious and goes to leave in a huff. The Bashams intercede to inform J”B”L that there’s been a “security breach.” J”B”L says “I don’t’ care, I’m leaving” until they round the corner and see the limo up on blocks.  J”B”L and crew are wondering what happened when, “Viva la Rasa!” hits and here’s Eddie Guererro in the ring carrying a tire. He riffs on how he just found this one guy selling them and with the price he paid, it was a STEAL! J”B”L pouts and tells his cabinet to find his tires, gets in the car, and slams the door.

Tough Enough Prerecorded Promo Time: Daniel Puder can’t wait for the Dixie Dogfight at Armageddon.

Backstage, and Torrie Wilson is getting pictures taken of her when Diva Castoff Michelle (Wearing a rather fetching outfit. Think a black version of Milla Jovovich’s thermal bandage outfit in “The 5^th Element.” Damn, I’m a GEEK!) comes by with a flower delivery. Torrie is flattered until she reads the card and sees that it’s from Kenzo. She throws the flowers away and calls him a jerk. This draws the ire of Hiroko who comes to her mans honor. Torrie is shoved down and relieved of her top and skirt by Hiroko. Torrie recovers, gets pissed, and chases Hiroko down. Hiroko is caught just in front of the entrance ramp and stripped of her kimono, revealing a tight little bod! Damn, we need to see more of that! Hiroko is chased to the ring, and at this point, Kenzo Suzuki and Rene DuPree hit the ring to harass Torrie. Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam run out quickly after and fend off the heels. As they brawl, Teddy long is out lamenting the fact that he can’t even sit down for a glass of Playerade without shenanigans breaking out. He says that instead of at Armageddon, we’re going to have a Tag Title match TONIGHT! After the break, of course…

Back, and Kenzo is controlling Rey until Rey gets a dropkick and tag to RVD. RVD and Kenzo brawl, tag to Rene, Rene controls until a sunset flip from RVD turns the tide. Tag to Rey who tries to fly around, but Rene gets a stiff clothesline to put Rey down. Rene takes too long to capitalize, tho and Rey gets a hurricanrana after a missed charge in the corner. Tag to RVD, and Rey hits the broncobuster, RVD with the split legged moonsault, cover interrupted by Kenzo. Rey dropkicks Kenzo out of the ring, and RVD calls for the 420 (the 4-legged leg drop. The “20” apparently is indicative of their combined shoe size, thank you Michael Cole!) RVD tries to follow up, but Kenzo interrupts a frogsplash attempt and Rene dropkicks RVD down to the floor. RVD rolled back in and Rene slaps on a surfboard, really wrenching it in as a “USA” chant starts. RVD with a few elbows, but Rene yanks RVD down by the hair. Tag to Kenzo, and he powers RVD down with kicks in the corner and a clothesline. Cover only gets 2. Rear choke applied and RVD trying to elbow his way out again. Kick to Kenzo’s face, but RVD put down with a clothesline. Cover interrupted by Rey. Tag back to Rene, who does the Gay, Gay Dance of French Manliness. He goes off the ropes only to walk right into a surprise spinning dropkick. RVD crawling to the corner, but Kenzo rushes in and drags him back. Rene tries a headlock, and then tries to ram RVD’s head in the corner. RVD blocks and hits a matrix kick. He leaps for the tag to Rey. Rey in and he’s a house afire. Meeting a tagged in Kenzo in the middle of the ring and he fires away with kicks and punches. A quick dropkick to put Rene off the apron and he runs with a high cross body, but Kenzo catches him and Rey immediately reverses into a tornado DDT. Rey drops the dime, RVD in and helps Rey with a back body splash on Kenzo, then hits a rolling thunder of his own. Dropkick sends Rene flying again, and RVD picks up Rey so he can kick Kenzo into position for a 6-1-9. Rey delivers, but as the ref is distracted with RVD, Rene jumps in and hits a spinebuster. RVD, instead of going around, decides to go over the ref and hits a flying kick on Rene. Hiroko in the ring and she drags Kenzo over to cover Rey. Ref gets down and counts and Rey kicks out at 2 and ¾. Hiroko then proceeds to Win the Oscar™ by voicing her dismay with a screamed, “NOOOOOOOOO!” Rey and Kenzo crawling, but Kenzo is up with a knee to Kenzo’s side. Kenzo growls to the crowd and hoists Rey up, but Rey reverses and shimmies down into a schoolboy. As the ref gets down to count, he reaches an arm out and RVD grabs and holds for the count of 3 and we now have NEW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS! RVD and Rey celebrate as Cole and Tazz shoot us to a Smackdown House Show report.

Hey, just in case you missed it, HHH was in a movie recently, maybe you heard of it.

Back, and the card is run down for Armageddon.

And now, it’s time for Tough Enough. Justice Smith has been eliminated. After a quick bit of respect from Mike and Daniel, Daniel gets in Mike’s face and Al Snow says save it for the ring. In honor of Justices BattleDome roots, they have the Jousting platforms (or pugil sticks for those that have been to boot camp) set up, complete with inflatable crash pad. Puder makes short work of Mizzanin and is declared the winner.

After a Raw Rewind, Booker T is stretching out with Michelle (now in more traditional exercise gear.) She marvels at Undertaker and Eddie’s ingenuity at getting into J”B”L’s head tonight. Booker says he’s got a little something for J”B”L as well. Booker disappears and reappears with J”B”L’s Stetson. J”B”L left it “lying around” and Booker commandeered it for himself. He made a couple modifications and shows Michelle that he cut a hole in the top for his dreads to fit through. He says he can’t wait to ask J”B”L if he can dig THAT, and Michelle is WAY too impressed with all this.

Back, and you’d better buy the ECW DVD, or you’ll get put through a table.

Team Angle is out for this weeks Invitational. This week’s victim…

“Weeeelllll!” The Big Show is out (he was born in Columbia.) Kurt says he’s on to Big Show’s game, that he knows Big Show wants to take Kurt out so he only has to face 2 people on Sunday. Kurt says that if Big Show wants a fight, then he’s got one! Luther stops him and says that there’s only one man in the ring that Big Show is going to fight, and that man is… MARK JINDRAK! Mark is all, “WTF?” but jumps in, only to be manhandled by Big Show. Match goes about as you’d expect, Big Show tossing Mark around like a rag doll, then Luther and Kurt jumping in to hit the triple team. Luther and Mark hold Big Show’s arms around the ringpost as Kurt takes the ring steps and slams them into Big Show’s back. Big Show is left lying as Team Angle gloat in the entryway.

Back, and the clock is ticking. The clock in question is on the wall of Heidenreichs cell where he’s convalescing. The Clocks ticking is slowly replaced with a rhythmic, metallic pounding until Paul Heyman comes into frame and has his medication. He has great news! He says that Heidenreich’s rehabilitation is over, and he can come back to Smackdown! Heidenreich is less than pleased with this news, as he says that he likes it here, that people like him here, and that he never wants to leave. He thanks Paul for his time, and returns to concentrating on the tick of the clock.

Back to the arena, John “Bradshaw” Layfield and his Cabinet (Orlando Jordan, the Bashams, and Amy Weber) are out to take on Eddie Guererro (in a lowrider with J”B”L’s jacked tires in the back), Booker T (sans Stetson) and The Undertaker. Amy is sat at ringside and Cole ponders if Amy was brought out to be a difference maker. Huh? Everyone waits for Undertaker to finish his entrance and the Cabinet attack while J”B”L bails. Orlando, Doug, and Danny are tossed out of the ring in short order, and we’ll have the actual match when we get back.

Back, and Booker T is controlling Danny Basham. Tag to Eddie who lays in with the boots in the corner. Doug tries to interfere but ‘Taker warns him off. Booker tags in, hits a couple kicks, then tags Eddie, who slingshot sentons his way back in. Danny locks up and manages to shove him back to his own corner. Orlando tags in and works Eddie over. Eddie dragged back to the corner and J”B”L tags in. J”B”L working Eddie over until he tries to whip off the ropes and comes face to face with ‘Taker. Eddie takes the distraction to get an eyepoke of doom in and it’s a pier 7 brawl as everyone storms the ring. The ref regains order and Eddie is left in the ring with Danny. Bashams double-team Eddie while ref is busy with Booker and ‘Taker. Danny has Eddie alone and for some reason, we get a shot of Amy nodding to J”B”L. J”B”L tags in now and he starts powering Eddie down. Ok, so Amy is now a master ring tactician? J”B”L with the sleeper locked in./ Eddie escapes, but jumps right into J”B”L’s arms. J”B”L looks for a fallaway slam, but Eddie reverses into a DDT. Slow crawl, double tag, and Orlando and ‘Taker are in! ‘Taker taking Orlando, Doug, and Danny out in turn. Booker and Eddie in and the Cabinet are out, leaving J”B”L in the ring by himself. J”B”L eats a Booker superkick, Eddie blasts him with a right, and ‘Taker looks to hit the tombstone, but Orlando is in to be the sacrificial lamb. ‘Taker goozles, Chokeslam! Eddie up top, Frogsplash! Booker T off the ropes, Axe Kick! And here’s ‘Taker to finish things up with a Tombstone Piledriver. ‘Taker covers (was either man even legal?) and score one for the good guys. J”B”L heads back up the ramp with his title and as the faces stand in an uneasy truce, we fade out with the look of fear on J”B”L’s face.

Well, that was a decent show. Enough hype for the PPV to get people interested, and a couple surprises (Funaki vs. Spike should be really cool, and Rey/RVD defending instead of challenging will probably get one or two more PPV buys) that weren’t completely off key. Oh, and Heidenreich was kept to a minimum with the promise that he’s not coming back! Wow, WWE is really trying to win the viewers back, huh?

Anyway, everyone have fun at the PPV, and I’ll see ya next week!