Rushed tonight (yay Christmas) so no witty paragraph to get you down past the ad box.
 

Anyway, on a note that would probably make Bill chuckle (as Professional Wrestling was a frequent target of his humor), on with the WRASSLIN!

WWE leader, Smackdown Opening, and Orlando Jordan is in the ring in Nashville, TN to announce the return of YOUR WWE Champion, John “Bradshaw” Layfield. The limo comes out, and he and Diva Search Castoff Amy Weber are riding on top with harnesses (and Amy looking scared to death that she’s about to fall off) and the Bashams flanking it. The ring is decked out in its finest red, white, and blue spectacle. J”B”L says that there is nothing like the return of the conquering hero. He compares his title retention to the accomplishments of Reagan and FDR. He compares Teddy Long to Khofi Annon (“Biased and corrupt”) and says he’s got it tough because his fans won’t even chant his name. But that’s ok, and in a bit of “WTF?” spontaneity, presents Amy with a tiara, and gives the crowd a chance to be on the winning team (unlike the Tennessee Titans) and chant his name. They get through a “J-B-L” chant twice before…

“Medal” rings out and Kurt Angle (W/ Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak) are out to interrupt the fun. J”B”L is ticked that Kurt interrupted him, but will give Kurt a chance to congratulate him. Kurt says “Sorry!” and says to give him a freaking break. J”B”L says he’s the champ, so neener, neener, neener. Kurt continues to call bullshit and reminds us that 2 years ago, he beat Stone Cold, The Rock, Rikishi, The Undertaker, and someone else for the title in Hell in a Cell “Bucko!” J”B”L fires back that he hasn’t been called “Bucko” since he was a kid, that Kurt’s win was 4 years ago, and that Just this past Sunday, Kurt lost 3-to-1 to the Big Show. Kurt says he’d beat J”B”L anytime, “Bucko!” J”B”L says that that’s a swell idea, but he’s been partying a little too much this week (sly winks to Amy) he’s tired and worn out and he’s taking off for Christmas and “other things”

Theodore Long decides this would be a swell time to interject himself and remind J”B”L that HE’S the one who makes the matches, and decides that Kurt Angle vs. J”B”L would make an excellent Main Event, and that it’s for the title. Kurt and J”B”L nose to nose, and we’re off to commercial.

Back, and Billy Kidman and Akio are in the ring to take on Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam in a non-title match.

Billy and Rey start, Billy tries a wristlock, Rey reverses into an armdrag, Billy stops that with a kick to the back. Tag to Akio who does a bit of flippy floppy but Rey comes back with a bulldog. Drop-toehold into the ropes, but Akio ducks the 6-1-9. Rey goes after Akio, but gets back body dropped onto the apron, then Akio shoulders Rey off and Rey gets clotheslined on the floor by Billy. Back in the ring and Akio goes for a quick cover for 2. Akio with the surfboard, but Rey powers out of it and gets a dropkick to get the slow crawl to a double tag. RVD in, taking down Billy with spinning heel kick, rolling thunder, cover for 2. Monkey flip, cover interrupted by Akio. Billy up for Shooting Star, but RVD jumps up and hits a Boot to the head (Yaa! Yaa!) Rey in, and RVD picks him up and sets him on Billy’s shoulders and hurricanranalarity ensues. As Rey baseball slides into a head scissors Akio, RVD is up for the 5***** Frogsplash and 1-2-3, champs win.

Up next, we find out whether Mike or Daniel is pregnant and if they’ll really marry Cynthia, or find out if she’s just using them for their inheritance… Oh wait, no, we’re just going to find which one won the Tough Enough challenge.

Back and Daniel’s gotten a NICE makeover. Oh wait, that’s Torrie Wilson in an outfit that I’m sure is disrespectful to the flag, but damned if I care! The reason she’s dolled up more appropriately for 4^th of July than Christmas is she’s here to remind us that next week is Christmas in “Baghdad.” We get the video package of the WWE making the troops happy last year, and we return to Torrie and she says God bless America, and wishes us all a happy holidays.

Tazz and Michael Cole reminisce about the good times from last year when suddenly Cole jumps up like he just got 10,000 volts through him. Prostetnic Vogan Heidenreich is there and he grabs a chair. Setting it up in the ring, and its time for poetry. He rhymes a bit about how he’s got ‘Taker’s number, how he’s cost him the title twice, and that their second clash is coming. Play his music.

Backstage, and Eddie Guererro and Booker T are bonding over their shared experience of losing the match on Sunday. They pause to go into total fratboy mode when Lauren from Mississippi (Another Diva Search Castoff?) passes by in a dress I could swear I saw on of the presenters at the AVN awards wearing the other night. After Booker tells her that he’s the only name she need remember, she walks off and they get back to business. Eddie tells Booker that he’s gotta fly on his own next week, Booker calls bullshit and says that next week it’s the first ever Booker T-Off, they bicker for a bit and look like they might just come to blows when Booker cracks and says, “I got you!” Eddie doesn’t like that he got “got” but is a good sport about it and they head to the ring for their tag match.

Own Napoleon Dynamite on DVD Tuesday!

West Side Rumble? You kill me Vince!

Backstage, and Orlando gets stopped by Diva Search Castoff Michelle in his attempts to talk to Teddy Long, who is meditating. He turns around and butts heads with Luther and they get into a “My champ can beat up your champ” contest. Orlando almost wins it when he mentions J”B”L’s full medical and dental plan (“Does that include chiropractor work?”) but Luther says forget it and says Kurt's gonna win.

Out to the ring, and Rene DuPree and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Fifi and Hiroko wearing entirely too much clothing) are out to take on Booker T and Eddie Guererro. 

Booker and Rene (who’s face has finally healed) start, and Booker forces Rene into the corner to start. Rene gets a few elbows in before Booker levels him with a clothesline. Tag to Eddie, who controls until Rene gets an elbow up to knock Eddie down. Rene’s nose has gotten busted as he tags to Kenzo. Kenzo going immediately into heel in peril mode until he gets a back body drop. Tag to Rene who gets a couple kicks in but falls prey to a hiptoss out of the ring and we go to commercial.

Back, and Kenzo is controlling Booker. Tag to Rene who walks into a kick, but Kenzo is back in with a spinebuster. Rene and Kenzo trade off, Rene not looking so hot. Kenzo locks in a neck wrench, cover gets 2. Rene in and he walks right into a faceplanter. Slow crawl and double tag is on. Eddie knocking Kenzo down a few times, then Rene runs in and Eddie puts him into the 3 Amigos. Kenzo interrupts this, but Booker is in to beat down on Kenzo, toss Rene out, then after a spinneroonie, Kenzo eats an axe kick. Hiroko tries to sneak in with a shinnai, but Booker turns around and scares her off. Booker telling Eddie to get up, Eddie hits the frogsplash, covers, and good guys win.

Backstage, and OJ has the bad news that he couldn’t get the match stopped. J”B”L says, “Good” and says that he’ll beat Kurt just like he’s beat everyone else. Amy reminds him that the champion is headlining in the Middle East next week, and that it’ll be a GREAT image opportunity. J”B”L blanches and says that while it’s good to be over there and entertain the troops and all, he didn’t sign up to be shot at. He babbles on until Carlito Caribbean Cool walks in. He’s stopped at first, but J”BL says let him talk. Carlito knows that J”B”L is being screwed with, because Teddy has been screwing with Carlito ever since he got there. J”B”L catches him ogling Amy and says “And?” Carlito says that after the match tonight, he and J”B”L should talk. J”B”L lightens up and agrees to the ‘negotiations.’ Carlito says, “That’s cool,” takes a bite of his apple, and everyone braces for the spit, but Carlito just grins and walks away.

Back from commercial, and Cole has a Schiavone moment when he says that tonight’s main event is going to be the greatest main event in the HISTORY of Smackdown! From here, they throw us to a replay of the street fight between John Cena and Jesus H. Kidneyjobber from Armegeddon. Wow, could Cena’s newly redesigned title belt be any tackier? The cheese quotient on the belt multiplies tenfold when he spins it. I’m not going to bother with a recap of something that’s already been recapped, so instead, I’m going to send you to a video of my friend Lindze gyrating for Adult Swim.

Back, and Al Snow is in the ring with the giant hunk of gold that is the Tough Enough Trophy and finally, the moment you have all been waiting for is here! Time to announce the winner of Tough Enough. Mike Mizannin and Daniel Puder are introduced. Al says they are both fine competitors, but only one can win. Al doesn’t waste any time in announcing that Daniel Puder is the winner. Daniel is understandably stoked for the announcement. Al Snow asks him how he feels, he feels good. Al Snow then asks if he’d like to headline Wrestlemania? Daniel says, “Shit yeah!” and Al informs him that he has been entered into the Royal Rumble. Daniel is simply agog at the news and as he celebrates in the ring, we go backstage…

Where Kurt is pumping himself up for his match. Luther reassures him that if OJ or any of J”B”L’s crew interferes, then they’ll take care of them. Luther makes like his back is paining him, then makes a few pointed comments to Mark about how hard it is to find a good doctor, what with how expensive it is and all. Kurt senses something’s amiss and is all, “WTF?” Luther says don’t worry, we’ll talk later, for now, we’ve got your back. Gee, ya don’t think…

Back, and Teddy Long has joined Tazz and Cole and he has a special announcement. You see, since Heidenreich wants Undertaker so bad, then next week, in the Middle East, he’s gonna get him. Teddy also has a special surprise for us, and Diva Castoff Joy is out in her Santa Girl costume to throw some candy canes out to the crowd.

Kurt Angle (W/ Luther and Jindrak) is out to take on John “Bradshaw” Layfield (W/ his Cabinet). As J”B”L is getting in the ring, Joy coyly offers him a candy cane, which he takes with a big smile on his face. Amy sees this and is all, “Oh, no you DI’INT!” and it’s time for catfighting! Tops are stripped off, and general amusement ensues. Teddy, seeing how this is going to go gets on the mic and as Joy runs off, ejects Orlando Jordan, The Bashams, Mark Jindrak, and Luther Reigns. Amy gets in his face, saying he can’t do this because she’s a professional. Teddy misses a great comeback opportunity (“I don’t care what you do in your spare time, sista!”) and simply gives her the rolling “You’re outta here!” Amy pitches a fit as we go to commercial.

Back and J”B”L is controlling Kurt with power. They break in the corner, and as the crowd chants, “Bucko!” Kurt regains control with mat wrestling. Kurt tries a top wristlock, but turns around right into a haymaker from J”B”L. J”B”L with a few kicks, but Kurt comes back with a Belly to belly. They trade blows and J”B”L wins that one and beats Kurt down. Pro Angle chanting ensues as J”B”L covers for 2. Kurt powers out of a headlock, throws a few rights, then trips up Bradshaw and applies the ankle lock. J”B”L crawling to the ropes and Kurt keeps the pressure on for the full 5-count. J”B”L bails but Kurt goes out after him. J”B”L with the Greco-Roman Eyepoke and whips Kurt into the ringsteps. Both men are out on the ground as we go to commercials.

Hehe, the Truth guys get really dumb by trying to juxtapose popping bubble wrap with cigarette smoking. Don’t they realize that popping bubble wrap is one of the most therapeutic things known to man?

Back, and J”B”L has Kurt in a top wristlock. Kurt works his way out of that, but gets caught in an armbar. Kurt gets his feet on the ropes and J”B”L breaks. J”B”L picks Kurt up for a powerslam, but Kurt wriggles out of it and hits an inverted DDT. Both men slowly back up, but Kurt fires away with rights. Running the ropes, but Kurt jumps right into a fallaway slam. Kurt comes back with Hat-trick German suplexes. Kurt stalking J”B”L and going for the Angle Slam, J”B”L reverses and goes for a big boot, Kurt trips him up and sweeps him down and grabs another ankle lock. J”B”L turns out of it, but Kurt is able to hit the Angle Slam. Cover: 1-2-NO! J”B”L up and he hits Kurt’s bad shoulder. J”B”L picking Kurt up for a power bomb, but Kurt rolls through it into a sunset flip and immediately picks up the ankle lock again. Kurt keeping J”B”L in the middle of the ring and Orlando runs in. Kurt, without releasing the hold, back body drops Orlando out of the ring! The Bashams run down, but are intercepted by Jindrak and Luther. As they brawl outside of the ring, the ref tries to break it up. Meanwhile, J”B”L is tapping out. Orlando takes advantage of the ref’s distraction and runs in with a belt shot. Kurt put down and the ref finally takes notice as J”B”L goes to cover. 1-2-NO!!! Kurt kicks out, and before you know it, he’s got the ankle lock applied AGAIN! Orlando doesn’t’ even try to be subtle this time and runs in with an elbow drop to draw the DQ. The Bashams and Team Angle brawl makes it into the ring and everything is going nuts until…

“Weeeelllllll!” The Big Show is out for his cameo appearance. Show in the ring, knockdown for Doug, Chokeslam for Luther, knockdown for Danny, Chokeslam for Jindrak, DOUBLE Chokeslam for the Bashams. Orlando tries to come around and get a few shots in, but he falls prey to the big boot and is the next victim for the Big Show’s new move, the F-5 (Since Big Show’s bigger, shouldn’t it be the F-7?) Cole wonders why Big Show is down here, and his question is answered as soon as it’s asked, as Big Show makes his, “I want the Belt!” gesture at J”B”L. We get a look at J”B”L and the belt and we are outta here.

Well, now that the PPV is over and we’ll be having the Christmas break, Smackdown is now on slow cook mode. Nothing really big happened here (although we did get the first confirmed entrant into the Royal Rumble) and now it’s time for us to mark time until new years. One thing, tho, Kurt can’t turn face, not yet, anyway. Right now, we have too many main event babyfaces, and until Eddie or Booker turn heel, or someone legitimate gets elevated (No Vince, Heidenreich is NOT a legitimate Main Event heel), Kurt is best playing the heel. Maybe tweener, but even then he should always lean towards “Asshole” instead of “Good-Guy.” Tonight was fun, and it was cool to cheer for Kurt, but lets just let the face turn lie a few months down the road.

See ya next week!