WWE leader, Smackdown! opening, and we are LIVE (taped) from the Mohegan Sun Casino and Tazz and Michael Cole wish us Happy New year.
 

“Viva la Rasa!” Eddie Guererro kicks us off tonight with a match against Rey Mysterio (W/ 619 cam.) Cole and Tazz go nuts over the fact that Diva Castoff Joy is the timekeeper tonight.

Eddie starts by smiling and giving Rey, “you got me, man!” in reference to last year. Cole morphs a little closer to Schiavone by

saying, “With these two guys, you have very similar styles, but very contrasting styles.” Lockup, Rey flips around a bit, and they go to a test of strength. Rey gets a couple near falls, almost pinning Eddie with a sunset flip. Rey says, ‘Thisclose!” and they start in. Eddie reverses a whip attempt and catches Rey into a facebuster powerbomb. Eddie with the Fujiwara armbar into a hammerlock to keep Rey down. Eddie really working it, twisting Rey’s shoulders to the mat for a 2-count. Rey is able to get a foot on the ropes and Eddie breaks. Rey goes for a springboard moonsault but Eddie catches him and hangs him in the tree of woe. Eddie commencing with the meaner than necessary kicks until the ref pulls him off. Eddie going for the baseball slide, but Rey sits up and Eddie slides through and splits the uprights on the ringpost. As Eddie writes in pain and uncertainty that he’ll ever have children again, we go to commercials.

Back, and during the break, Rey did some high flying stuff that got a near fall and led to the armbar that he’s currently applying. Eddie powers up and is able to toss Rey up for what looks like an attempted spinebuster, but Rey catches him and hits a DDT. Rey up, jumping on Eddies back and applying the sleeper. Eddie is able to shake Rey off, but he comes right back and kicks the shit out of Eddie. Rey with a springboard bodypress, cover gets 2, Rey applies the rear choke. Eddie up and he tosses Rey off. Rey drop toe holds Eddie into the ropes, but Eddie gets away from a 6-1-9. Rey goes for a broncobuster, but Eddie gets a foot up. Eddie up and while the ref isn’t looking, gets a low blow. Rey recovers enough to get a dropkick and Eddie is set up on the top turnbuckle. Rey up for the hurricanrana, but Eddie holds the ropes and Rey hits the mat. Eddie hits a flying sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and hits a dropkick. Cover attempt only gets 2. Brief heat sequence ends with Rey accidentally hitting the ref with a cross body. Eddie goes for the title belt and looks to pin the deed on Rey by laying it across Rey’s chest. As he’s nudging the ref awake, Rey runs over and lays the belt on Eddie’s chest. Eddie doesn’t have time to dispose of the belt, so he rolls over as Brian Hebner gets up, hiding the belt under him. Rey says Eddie clocked him and Hebner asks Eddie if it’s true. Eddie denying it as he struggles to hide the belt. Hebner goes to confront Rey and Eddie goes to dispose of the belt, but Hebner turns around and catches Eddie in the act. Hebner grabs the title and as Eddie is pleading his innocence, Rey goes for a 6-1-9. Eddie ducks, bounces up, kick to the gut and gets a small package. Rey rolls it over and pins Eddie as Hebner counts 1-2-3. Eddie can’t believe it, but Rey has pinned him 2 weeks in a row. Eddie is nonplussed, but he eventually accepts Rey’s handshake and they embrace, but as Rey exits, is that a bit of resentment in Eddie’s eyes?

Backstage, Heidenreich is happy that “you” has come to help him, because “you” know how much he hates caskets. The camera pulls out to reveal Paul Heyman and Paul agrees that the Casket is an unnecessary part of the match and they are going to try getting rid of it. They walk off and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Carlito Caribbean Cool is out and he has an announcement. He’s got a petition to get Teddy long out of office.

As Carlito goes to get signatures, Funaki is out to defend the Cruiserweight title against Akio. Match is basic back and forth and just something to keep the live crowd occupied as the crowd at home sees Carlito try to get everyone wearing a WWE shirt at ringside to sign the petition. Carlito tries to get referee Charles Robinson to sign the petition during the match, but Charles and Akio shoo him off. As Carlito gets signatures from everyone at ringside, Akio gains control with a flying heel kick. Akio up for Yang-time, but Funaki dodges. Funaki up top, flying DDT, and Funaki gets the pin.

But never mind that, Carlito goes to get Joy to sign the petition. She says no thank you, and Carlito doesn’t like this. Carlito straightens up, takes a bite of the apple, and fakes her out. He smirks and looks to walk away, but gets Joy by spitting the apple on her by surprise. Joy gets it all over her face and breasts, likely fueling fanboy wank fantasies for at least the next 5 minutes, and Carlito proclaims that as cool.

Back, and backstage, Paul Heyman is reassuring Theodore Long that he isn’t against him, but in fact, is all for any and all managerial decisions he makes. He must protest, however, the bad decision he made last week in allowing the casket match to be booked. Paul then describes what happens in a casket after the lid closes, with visuals by Heidenreich. Teddy is sympathetic to their dilemma, and says, “If you can defeat Undertaker in a match tonight, then you can choose the stipulation at the Royal Rumble.” He then goes on to explain that by “you” he meant “both of you.” So the match tonight is a handicap match with Heidenreich and Heyman taking on Undertaker. Heyman flips out, but Heidenreich tells Paul to be cool, he’s got this tonight.

Elsewhere, and Kurt Angle is telling some security guards to be extra careful with his gold medal. Luther and Jindrak saunter in and they talk for a second about nothing when Diva Castoff Amy Weber walks in and asks for some private time. Kurt shoos the guys away and Amy starts in about the match at Royal Rumble. Kurt stops her and says that it’s looking good that Kurt will walk out the new Champion, and now that he thinks about it, he could use an image consultant. Amy says she likes the way Kurt thinks and invites him to come back to her locker room after his match tonight; her PRIVATE locker room. Amy sashays out and Kurt is like, “Damn!” and honestly, I would be too!

Back, and Kurt Angle is out for the latest round of the Kurt Angle Invitational. Seeing as how we are playing in a casino tonight, Kurt is in a gambling mood, so he says that tonight, it’s a timed match. If Kurt can’t pin or make him submit in 3 minutes, then he’ll win the medal.

Tonight’s victim comes out. Kurt asks him for his name and hometown and holds the mic to him. The guy gives him a “You gotta be kidding?” look, and Kurt gives him the mic and he states that he’s Brian Black and he’s from Right Here In Connecticut. Kurt has heard enough and piefaces the mic into Brian’s face and the match is on. After 26 seconds, Brian taps out and Kurt is off for his rendezvous with Amy.

Backstage, Daniel Puder is grabbing a bottle of water when Torrie Wilson and Miss Jackie show up to congratulate him on winning Tough Enough. Daniel says thanks, and touches on Jackie’s own Tough Enough history, what with her injured knee and all. Miss Jackie is touched that he remembered, but Daniel spoils the mood by saying that his favorite part of the show was her begging her boyfriend to stay with her even when she cheated on him. Daniel says what goes around, comes around and the girls are struck speechless. He says they can go now, and Miss Jackie looks to get in his face, but Torrie pulls her away, saying he isn’t worth it. Daniel scoffs and says that women are all alike; they just want his money.

Back, and here we come into the painful part of tonight’s show: you can see the hesitation in Cole’s face as he introduces Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko and dressed in an Uncle Sam costume), who has challenged John Cena to a Battle Rap.

Ok, this is really bad. Amusing, but really bad. Kenzo basically rips all of Cena’s catchphrases off in his rap, and then he and Hiroko strike a pose. Cena grabs the mic, does the standard insinuations that Kenzo is gay and that he’ll help Hiroko with her whiteface. Kenzo’s retort? He gives the mic to Hiroko and she sings a horribly off key… something. Cena tells them to knock it off and says that he’s got what people want to see. He calls the Diva’s out, and Michelle, Rochelle, and Lauren come out. Kenzo likes what he sees, Hiroko is aghast, and Cena pimps them to the crowd. Kenzo goes and fawns over Rochelle, then goes after Michelle, who seems less than enthused. He turns her around and asks for a kiss. This sends Hiroko over the edge and she jumps on Michelle’s back. Cena tries to break them up and Kenzo takes this moment of distraction to attack Cena. Cena recovers and clotheslines Kenzo out of the ring. Cena says that if Kenzo wants it, then he’ll give him his shot next week.

Back, and next week is a fatal four-way for the tag team titles.

But right now, here comes Rob Van Dam (W/ Rey Mysterio) to take on Doug Basham (W/ Danny and Orlando Jordan). They’ve altered the Kill Bill music so they don’t have to pay royalties.

Bell rings, lockup, RVD forced to the corner. Doug pulls the hair and RVD doesn’t like that. Chain wrestling, they trade headlocks, spring up and pose. RVD goes for a pose and Doug tries to capitalize, but RVD catches his boot, hits an atomic drop and sends him out of the ring. Doug bumps into Rey, shoves him, Rey returns the favor and that results in Rey getting ejected. As Doug is gloating, RVD gets a baseball slide, then goes up for a moonsault. RVD’s leg slips on the top turnbuckle and Doug barely catches him coming down. Scary moment there. Doug is up first and he works RVD over on the outside. Back in the ring, and after a couple near falls, RVD comes back with the basic assortment: flying back kick, rolling thunder, and cover is interrupted by Danny. As the ref gets him out of the ring, Orlando jumps in and feeds a lead pipe to Doug. RVD gets the drop on him and gives him a roundhouse kick to knock him down. The pipe rolls free and RVD smells a rat. He goes after Orlando, and while he and the Ref are distracted, Danny comes in, rolls Doug out, and takes his place. RVD comes back and Danny surprises him with a small package. RVD kicks out, but Danny grabs a front choke, lifts RVD up, spins him around and hits a spinebuster. Cover, Danny keeps his head down as the ref counts the 1-2-3 and the Bashams steal one.

Backstage, Kurt is looking rather dapper in a coat and shirt. He walks up to Amy’s door, knocks twice, and then lets himself in. We fade out with the visual of her door closing and Kurt still calling for her.

Back, and Kurt is alone in her locker room and wondering where she is. He gets up, looks around, and finds a door. From behind the door he hears the sounds of a shower running. Kurt gets a sneaky grin on his face and lets himself in. he goes to pull the curtain back, then thinks of a better idea. We are then treated to a show of Kurt stripping down. When he gets his shirt off, he plays with his nipples for a second (a visual I did NOT need to see!), drops trou, and he waits as the water turns off. A female (well, that’s something at least) arm reaches out and grabs a towel and Kurt is excited. He turns around as the curtain is drawn aside…

But it’s Joy in the shower instead! They trade screams, Kurt tries to explain and in doing so rips her towel off. After a brief grin of appreciation at what he sees, Joy grabs the towel back and runs out of the locker room. Kurt chases after but stops cold as he sees that she’s run right into the arms of The Big Show. Big Show doesn’t want to hear Kurt’s explanation that this isn’t what it seems *Zips up the pants * and chases him out to the ring and commences the beatdown. Jindrak and Luther try to intercede, but that goes as well as you’d expect. Kurt tries using the steel chair, but a shot to the back only pisses Big Show off. Big show punches Kurt through the chair, Kurt goes down, Show poses, and we’re off to commercials.

Back, and moments ago, Tazz and Cole ponder the great mystery of the universe currently pressuring them (why was Joy in Amy’s locker room?) The mind boggles, yes, we know.

Backstage, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is having a chuckle with Amy and Orlando at the shenanigans just before the break. They happen upon “Amy’s” door and J”B”L didn’t know that Amy had her own dressing room. He reaches up for the sign, as it turns out, Amy doesn’t have her own dressing room, but Joy does! Oh the hilarity! WWE, you cease to amaze me!

Raw Rebound, and when we get back, Heidenreich is beating up his shadow. Paul enters the room and says it’s time. Heidenreich reiterates that he isn’t afraid of anyone, but hates the casket. Paul reassures him that after tonight, his worries are over. And just between us kids, if Teddy hadn’t made the match, Paul would have volunteered to be on Heidenreichs side anyway. That’s how much he believes in him. Heidenreich says lets go, and we are off to commercials.

“Hei! Den! Heidenreich!” and Paul Heyman are out for their handicap match against…

“Bong!” The Undertaker. ‘Taker takes his sweet time getting to the ring, and by the time the bell rings, my computer clock says 9:53, so I’m not expecting a PPV caliber match up here. And to start, I’m right, lockups, they knock each other down a few times, and when ‘Taker goes for old school, Heidenreich gets a free shot to the ribs and delivers a series of 1-2’s. Heyman cowered in the corner to start, but as Heidenreich gains control, Heymans grin grows. Heidenreich goes for a cover, but ‘Taker kicks out. ‘Taker into the corner and Heidenreich pounding on him. He turns to get approval from Paul, and that’s all the breather ‘Taker needs. ‘Taker taking over with rights, Snake eyes attempt is wriggles out of, but ‘Taker hits the big boot to follow up. Old School hits, and then Taker poses, gestures to the back and…

“Bong!” Here come the druids with not one but TWO caskets. Heidenreich is petrified and Heyman tries to calm him down. Heidenreich is inconsolable, tho, grabs Heymans outstretched hand, and tags him in. Heidenreich heads for the hills and leaves Heyman to the mercy of Undertaker. Well, ‘Taker isn’t in a very forgiving mood tonight, and after turning a deaf ear to Heymans entreaties, grabs him and hits him with the tombstone piledriver. ‘Taker then rolls Heyman into the closest casket, closes the lid, and play his gong. The screen goes purple and we fade out, WWE logo, and we’re outta here.

God! There must have been a million better ways to set up Kenzo vs. Cena next week. I mean I like looking at girls as much as the next guy, but when they are useless wastes of air that the WWE is employing for no good reason and taking up time on my show that could be better used with, oh, I don’t know, a WRESTLING MATCH, then something’s wrong. Also, it looks like Funaki’s reign as Champ will be an afterthought when he finally drops it to whomever the WWE feels like being nice to this week.

Show started hot with the great Eddie/Rey match, but slowly declined in quality for the first hour, the bounced back up to halfway watchable for the second hour. But, it’s not like Smackdown has a PPV this Sunday to prepare for, so they can get away with this kind of stuff, right? Right?

See ya next week!