WWE Leader, and oh god, WHY lead the show off with the stupid Kurt Angle mistaken dressing room debacle from last week? And WHY are they giving it as musical accompaniment a riffed version of “Detachable Penis?”
 

Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam vs. Eddie Guerrero and Booker T vs. Team Angle vs. The Basham Brothers.

Jindrak and Eddie start. After a quick lockup, he does the Rick Rude gyrations. Eddie brawls Jindrak around for a bit, but that’s stopped with a shoulderblock. Eddie trying to work a hammerlock, Jindrak reverses into a headlock and holds Eddie there. Eddie powers out, tags Booker in, and begins pounding away on Mark. Booker keeps it up for a couple minutes, tags Eddie in, and Eddie takes over. Cole wonders why Booker doesn’t’ tag RVD in (“You know, bring the injured tag champ in, get him eliminated early!”) Eddie works Jindrak over with some dropkicks, then blind tags Doug Basham in. Doug and Jindrak are reluctant to hook up until Doug slaps Mark, then Mark returns the favor. Both teams in, Jindrak gets left hanging on the ropes, so Eddie and Rey run in, 6-1-9 on Mark, Eddie puts Doug on top, and Team Angle is gone. We go to commercial.

Back, and Rey and Doug are going at it. Rey flipping and flopping around, but Doug grounds him with a faceplanter. Doug then turns around and tags Eddie in. Eddie doesn’t’ want to come in, but when the ref starts counting, Eddie gets in and they go at it. They fly around each other with Eddie getting the better of Rey and tagging Booker in. Rey gets a dropkick or two, but Booker overpowers him and brawls him down in the corner. Tag back to Eddie, and they basically wrestle the last 2 minutes of last weeks match, with the same net result, and Eddie and Booker are eliminated.

As Eddie and Booker are leaving, Danny Basham sneak attacks Rey from behind. As he works Rey over and has the attention of the ref, Doug sneaks around and yanks RVD off the apron, then Pillmanizes his knee with the ringsteps. Rey is getting beaten down as RVD gets looked at by medics. Rey is able to fight the Bashams off and go check on his partner for brief periods, but he has to keep getting back in the ring and play Ricky Morton with no Robert Gibson to tag to. Finally, RVD is stretchered out and Rey goes on a quick tear, getting the advantage briefly, but after a 6-1-9 on Danny, Doug does the switcheroo, grabs Rey and hits the sitout powerbomb, and covers for the 1-2-3 and we have NEW Tag Team Champions. As they celebrate up the ramp, J”B”L, Orlando Jordan, and Amy Weber are there to congratulate them. Group hand raise, and we are off to commercials.

Moments ago, RVD had a bad night.

Backstage, and Josh Matthews has Kenzo cornered, and asks him what he thinks about getting another chance against John Cena. Hiroko takes the lead here and says that it’s a shame that America liked Cena more than they liked Kenzo during the battle rap last week. Kenzo takes the mic back and compares himself to the White House, the Washington Monument, and a few other national landmarks. He closes with “God Bless America.”

Elsewhere, John “Bradshaw” Layfield and his cabinet are walking when they bump into Big Show. Big Show doesn’t waste any time demanding an apology from J”B”L, and he sputters out an insincere apology. Big Show then says that Amy should apologize as well. Amy sidles up to Joy and says that she probably enjoyed running down the hall naked and her screams were simply to draw more attention and she’s nothing more than a cheap slut. Joy doesn’t like that insinuation, and the catfight ensues. Theodore Long intercedes and says that if they want to drop it like it’s hot, then they can do it in the ring later tonight. Oh yeah, and everyone is banned from ringside.

Back from Commercials, and Kurt Angle is out with security guards. He says that J”B”L knows he can’t beat him, so he got Big Show to do his dirty work. He promises that J”B”L will lose his title at Royal Rumble, and brings out his opponent tonight.

Tonight’s Jobber is Roderick Strong from RIGHT HERE IN TAMPA FLORIDA! Kurt asks him what kind of chance he has tonight, and Roderick says that he doesn’t know what chance he has, but he does know he can do THIS, smacks Kurt across the face, and leads Kurt on a chase around the ring. Roderick fares the best of anyone Kurt has faced during this challenge so far, actually getting a near fall and a couple offensive moves, but it’s all for naught when Kurt makes him tap with 1:08 left to go on the clock. Kurt celebrates, and we go to commercials.

Tonight’s Wrestlemania Recall: Morton Downy blows smoke in Roddy Piper’s face, getting a fire extinguisher blasted in his face.

Back, and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko) is out to challenge for John Cena’s United States Championship.

Before the match, Cena’s gotta rap. He says that the Chain Gang is in da house tonight! He says that he fights for the red white and blue, and he knows that the people would fight for him, and he fights for all of them. THAT’S what America is all about.

Bell rings, and Kenzo starts out with some brawling. Kenzo yells for the crowd, and this is the opening Cena needs. Cena tackles Kenzo, hits the 5-knuckle shuffle, F-U, and the match is over. 2 minutes, tops. I’m sorry, total waste of time.

Smackdown! house show report. They hit a few places in Florida.

Backstage: Amy is scared (She’s never wrestled before,) and Joy can’t wait to get her hands on her. After a quick kiss for luck from Big Show (Awwww!) Joy is off for her match.

Last week, Heidenreich tried to get the coffin stipulation changed, instead, he got Paul Heyman casketed.

Back, and Amy Weber (W/ earlier tonight footage) is out to take on Joy Giovanni. They both have their own music. The mind boggles.

Joy’s music plays, but she doesn’t come out. Amy looks around, expecting a sneak attack, but nope, no Joy. They play her music again, but still no Joy. Charles Robinson confers with Tony Chimel and it’s announced that due to a forfeit, Amy Weber wins the match. Amy is understandably enthusiastic about this news and struts out.

Back, and backstage, Teddy is getting all the refs together to find Joy. Big Show appears behind him and reiterates that Joy needs to be found. Fit Finlay shows up to kick some ass! Oh wait, no, he’s just going to lead the search. As everyone heads out to find Joy, Heidenreich shows up and says he wants out of the Casket match. Teddy says, “Tough Shit, Playa!” and sends him on his way as J”B”L shows up and asks what’s up? Teddy says he knows J”B”L had something to do with Joy’s disappearance, and they aren’t leaving this office until he tells what he knows. Mercifully, we go to commercials before Teddy can get the high intensity lamp out.

Back, and J”B”L is protesting his innocence. You see, he’s accepting his award for the Florida Agricultural groups “Man of the Year” tonight, so he couldn’t possibly be stupid enough to abduct some bimbo on a night as important as this. Teddy says he’s going to check J”B”L’s story out, and if it doesn’t check out, then he’ll be stripped of the title next week.

Out to the ring, and Funaki at least gets half of his entrance in for his Cruiserweight Title Defense against Nunzio.

Match starts out quick, with near falls and reversals on both sides. Funaki tries a springboard body press, but Nunzio counters with a dropkick. Cover only gets 2. Nunzio with a headlock, Funaki hits a chinbuster and they brawl around for a bit until Funaki is put up on the top rope. He fights Nunzio off, hits a tornado DDT, and retains the title.

Backstage, Carlito is complaining that Teddy is harassing him. Teddy wants to know if Carlito had anything to do with Joy’s disappearance. Carlito protests that he had nothing to do with that, but he’s not surprised that it happened, that this simply proves that Teddy has no control over his locker room, and it’ll make it all the easier to get him ousted. Well, Teddy does some preemptive ousting and kicks Carlito out as Torrie and Miss Jackie show up to say they have a clue for this groovy mystery. They saw Joy heading to the entrance ramp, but right after her, they saw Orlando Jordan walking after her. Teddy thinks for a second and says, “Bugs Meany! I knew it!” and sends a roadie to bring Orlando Jordan here.

Back, and Orlando is saying that all he did was tell her she was about to get her butt whipped, and that was the last he saw of her. He turns around and Big Show is running into the office and choking Orlando out. Orlando sticks to his story, and Big Show promises that if he finds out that Orlando had anything to do with it, then he’ll be back to break every bone in his body.

Raw Rebound: blah blah blah.

Back, and the President of the Florida Agricultural Group is in the ring, wasting space and introducing John “Bradshaw” Layfield to award the man of the year award. J”B”L is out with his entire cabinet.

The reason he’s getting this award is because after the hurricanes this year, he was there to plant trees, supply an endless amount of fertilizer and just generally be an all around cool guy to the state of Florida.

After a Photo Op, J”B”L says that Agriculture is the backbone of the American economy, and has prepared a brief speech. He goes on about how he’s created life, and that he didn’t do it for himself, he did it for the kid who wants to drink OJ every morning and then chant his name.

Kurt Angle mercifully interrupts the proceedings and tells everyone to SHUT UP! He says that J”B”L is so afraid of Big Show that he abducted Joy. He rambles on and suddenly; his attention is drawn to the limo’s shiny bumper. He grabs the keys from the driver, pops the trunk, and lo and behold, there’s Joy! J”B”L shits a brick and claims innocence. Kurt calls for the medics, and as they are tending to her, Big Show makes his appearance. After a brief reunion, Big Show snaps and stalks to the ring. All of the cabinet are begging off, but Big Show mows through them. J”B”L and Amy flee as Orlando gets a low blow and a couple shots with a chair in. this does nothing but make Show angrier. He takes Orlando out, and then locks gazes with J”B”L, who is using Amy as a shield and still proclaiming his innocence.

But wait! Backstage, we see the proceedings on a monitor, and the camera pans over to show Kurt, Mark, and Luther laughing about pulling off a return mind game on J”B”L and Big Show. They exchange high fives, turn and walk away, we fade out, WWE logo, and we’re outta here.

Well, just like last week, nice hot start with a good match, and then the show dropped off into barely watchable territory. I don’t know what WWE is trying to do, but if it’s “make people as uninterested in the Royal Rumble as possible,” then they are doing a great job!

See ya next week!