5-Minutes out: has the Champion gone too far? “You kidnapped her!” Or is there more to this groovy mystery than meets the eye? Ok, I made up the Scooby Doo part…
 

That’s enough of that, tho, because not Teddy is going to kick things off right with a Tag Team Title match! The challengers: Eddie Guererro and Booker T. The Bashams (W/ Orlando Jordan) are the champions.

Big ‘Eddie’ chant to start, but Booker starts with Danny. Lockup, Danny forced to the corner, clean break. Lockup again, this time Booker forced to the corner, but Danny doesn’t’ break, instead delivers a knee to the gut, a couple rights, and struts for a second, but that allows Booker to hit a clothesline to bring favor back to him. Tag to Eddie, and he goes to work on Danny, hitting a flying leg lariat, and then knocking Doug off the apron. Tag back to Booker. Snapmare, and going for the axekick, but a kick to the back gives Doug a chance to tag in. Booker takes over quick, tho. Bodyslam, tag to Eddie, Eddie with the slingshot senton to come in. Eddie works Doug’s arm with a wristlock. Doug powers out and gets a bodyslam, but Eddie takes it right back. Tag to Booker and He kicks Doug down. Tag to Eddie, and he gets an airplane spin in. after dropping Doug, he looks like he’s stumbling around, weaves his way to the Bashams corner, then nonchalantly pokes Danny in the eye. Back in and after a bodyslam, Danny breaks up a cover by dragging Doug out of the ring. Booker gets a baseball slide and Eddie springboard body presses the Bashams down and we go to commercial.

Back, and Eddie is chopping Doug into oblivion. Side headlock countered with a suplex. Tag to Danny, Eddie gets a drop toehold as he comes in. Tag to booker, pounding Danny down, cover, and Doug makes the save. While the ref deals with Eddie, they pull the switcheroo, and Doug (the “fresh” man, with about 15 seconds of rest) surprises Booker with a clothesline. Doug pounding Booker down, tag to Danny, and he does more of the same. Full nelson applied, Booker powers out. They fight over a whip, with Booker getting sent into the corner, but Danny runs into a boot. Booker comes out but falls prey to a powerslam. Cover, and Eddie breaks it up. Tag to Doug, and he locks in a full nelson of his own. Eddie reaching for a tag, but he cant reach and the ref berates him for letting go of the tag rope. So what does Eddie do? He unties the tag rope, loops it around the rope, and drags it to a more advantageous position! Ref Nick Patrick doesn’t agree with this tactic, tho and puts Eddie back in the corner. Turns out Booker didn’t’ really need the help, as he powers out of the nelson, and gets a brief flurry of offense in before Doug puts him down with a clothesline. Tag to Danny, and Danny brawls Booker down, but they have a meeting of the minds and it’s a slow crawl for the double tag. Danny gets to Doug first, and he races across the ring to knock Eddie off the ring. Doug working Booker over until Booker gets a spinebuster and is able to make the hot tag to Eddie. Eddie is a Casa en Fuego as he goes through the Bashams. Armdrag headscissors leads to the 3 Amigo’s on Doug, and Orlando tries to get involved. Eddie brings him in with a vertical suplex. As the ref gets him cleared out, Eddie goes for the tag belt. After making us thing for a few seconds, he simply goes for the belt shot to Doug’s head. Eddie doesn’t get rid of the belt in time, tho as Nick turns around and catches him with the belt in hand. Eddie tries to beg off, but Nick has seen enough, and calls for the bell. The Bashams with through DQ.

After the match, Booker gets on Eddie case for losing them the match (“This is the Fourth freaking TIME!”) Eddie, not wanting confrontation, bails and makes his way back up the ramp. While Booker looks after him, the Bashams and Orlando attack. Eddie turns, sees this, and races back up to the ring and they clear the ring of the Bashams, and Orlando eats an Axe Kick and a frogsplash. Booker and Eddie are friends forever again, and we’re off to commercials.

Back, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield is conferring with Diva Search Castoff Amy Weber about the Bashams, and Josh Mathews wanders into frame and is wondering what J”B”L’s thoughts on the matter are. J”B”L is disgusted with Kurt Angle’s actions last week, and would never do anything like that. He says that tonight, he and his cabinet are going to get their pound of flesh from Kurt Angle.

Elsewhere, Diva Search Castoff Joy Giovanni is nervous as Big Show paces. Joy asks if Show is sure, and show says that he’s expecting Kurt to walk through that door any second now, and when he does, he’s gonna beat the apology out of him. He says that Joy shouldn’t be here, sets up a chair, and sits and waits in front of the door as we go to commercials.

Back, and while Josh Mathews waits for John Cena outside his dressing room, Akio waits in the ring for his Royal Rumble qualifying match with a returning Scotty 2 Hotty. Scotty’s absence is explained by his having a benign tumor removed.

Akio starts fast with kicks and punches. That’s ended quick by Scotty armdragging the shit out of Akio. Scotty with punches, kicks, and dropkicks of his own. Akio down on the edge of the ring, Scotty goes in, but Akio pulls him out of the ring. Akio takes over, working Scotty down, ending up with a bow and arrow submission. Scotty breaks it, but walks right into an abdominal stretch. Scotty steps out of it, Akio goes for a back suplex, but Scotty lands on his feet and they trade rights, with Scotty getting the better of the exchange. Scotty gets a bulldog, and then sees that Akio is set up for the Worm. Worm goes off, cover, and Scotty 2 Hotty is going to the Royal Rumble.

Backstage, and Cena is wearing a Canadiens jersey with “CHAIN GANG” as the player name. Josh asks him for his thoughts, and John spouts off about his Chain Gang a couple times, and says that they are all fighting for the chance to main event Wrestlemania. No shit, Sherlock, how about telling us something we don’t know! No really, that’s all the promo was. Boring, vanilla fellation of the crowd and hyping himself for Wrestlemania. Thank you, come again!

Back, and Big Show is still waiting by the door. Teddy comes in and tells him that he’s not allowed to touch Kurt until he finishes his apology, and not to do anything he’ll regret. Big Show says that whatever he does tonight, he won’t regret it.

Carlito Caribbean Cool is out to the ring with his petition, getting ‘fans’ to sign it on the way down. In the ring, he grabs a mic and says that thanks to Teddy’s sitting around, Joy got abducted. Sure she was found, but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. He reminds us that it’s Teddy’s fault that Carlito’s arm is in a sling, and that he’s going to keep traveling around the world (“Even if it means coming to terrible cities like Montreal.”) and get enough signatures to have him ousted.

“Hei! Den! Heidenreich!” Carlito is interrupted by Heidenreich coming to the ring. Heidenreich grabs the clipboard, signs it, and grabs the mic, reiterating that he isn’t afraid of any man, but he hates… HATES caskets! The lights dim, and…

BONG! Undertaker appears on the Smackatron. He standing next to a casket and says that Heidenrich’s days are numbered, like sands through the hourglass (who the hell did they hire to write this crap) ‘Taker opens the casket to reveal Heidenreich in the casket! OMG! How’d he do that!?!?! He says Heidenreich will rest in peace, Heidenreich freaks out, and we go to commercials.

Back, and Big Show nearly takes out useless Diva’s Rochelle and Lauren. He apologizes and goes back to waiting. What happened to Michelle?

Out to the ring, and John Cena is out to take on Rene DuPree (W/ Fifi) for a Royal Rumble qualifying match.

Lockup, and Rene gets a bit of power in, but Cena comes right back with a big shoulderblock that sends Rene out of the ring. Cena jumps out after him, and continues the beat down. Cena back in the ring to break the count, then back out to roll Rene in. Rene body drops Cena out, tho and takes over, getting a nice looking dropkick outside. It’s about this time that Rene has grown his Evil Rene goatee. Rena controlling with basic stuff (punches, kicks, ending up with a reverse chinlock.) Cena powers out, they exchange a couple punches, and Cena puts Rene down with a faceplanter. Cena is up first and he raining punches and kicks down on Rene. Big shoulderblock only gets 2 on the cover. A few more punches and kicks, “you can’t see me!”, and Cena going for the 5-knuckle shuffle, but Rene rolls out of the way and Cena punches mat. Doesn’t matter as Cena no-sells busting his knuckles, and knocks down Rene again. 5-Knuckle shuffle hits this time, and Cena goes for the F-U, but Rene rolls out, goes for a body slam, but Cena reverses out of that and this time, F-U hits. 1-2-3, and Cena is going to the Royal Rumble.

But wait, Kenzo Suzuki is out, and doesn’t look pleased. Cena turns around and Kenzo kicks him down. More brawling, and Kenzo hits the Setting Sun on Cena. You know, that exchange probably wasn’t as long as their match last week, but this was close. Kenzo collects Hiroko, and as we go to commercials, I’m getting the faintest glimmer that maybe Kenzo is leaving his stupid “I love America!” gimmick behind.

Back, and Big Show is still pacing in front of that door.

After Tazz and Cole run down the card for Royal Rumble, J”B”L sneaks up on Big Show and suggests a truce for tonight, and that after Kurt makes his apology, that they kick the shit out of him, and for Royal Rumble, it’s just the two of them, one-on-one, best man wins. Big Show is impressed with J”B”L’s clarity and tells him he’ll think about it.

Back, and Rey Mysterio is out for a Royal Rumble qualifying match against Chavo Guererro.

Handshake of respect to start, and they go right into chain wrestling. Rey gets a flying man to take Chavo down. Chavo givng us “You nearly got me!” and they lock up again. Test of strength, and both men evenly matched. Chavo and Rey do a monkey flip sequence while keeping hands clasped, and Rey nearly gets a pinfall. Chavo gives us, “you nearly got me” again, and they go at it again. Rey gets a springboard into an attempted DDT, but Chavo grabs him and looks to powerslam, but Rey reverses THAT into a DDT. Chavo getting angry now. Rey tries to get cute again, but Chavo has had enough of that and levels Rey with a clothesline. Chavo stomping Rey down, picking him up and going for a suplex, but Rey reverses into a hot shot over the top rope. Chavo sent spilling to the outside and he kicks the ringsteps in frustration as we go to commercials.

Back, and Chavo is controlling with suplexes. During the break, Chavo suckered Rey into a baseball slide and leveled him on the outside with a clothesline to take control. Chavo is kicking the hell out of Rey, but Rey dodges one and answers with a kick of his own. Chavo doesn’t let that get to him tho, and regains control. Rey kicks his way out of an overhead armbar, and as Chavo goes off the top, get gets some boots up to block Chavo’s attempt. Chavo recovers, and goes for an electric chair, but Rey reverses into a rollup for 2. Chavo going for a sunset flip, but Rey rolls through and answers with a dropkick. Cover gets 2. Chavo back up and gets Rey into the Gory Special, but that only gets two. Chavo really angry now, he runs into a drop toehold, setting him up for the 6-1-9. Rey misses it, and goes for a body scissors, but Chavo grabs him and snaps Rey in half with a faceplanter! Ouch! Chavo rolling Rey up, but he still can’t keep him down. Chavo DTH’d into the ropes again, and this time, 6-1-9 hits. Rey drops the dime, cover, and Rey is going to the Royal Rumble.

Raw Rebound. Wait, Randy Orton is #1 contender? When did this happen? I mean, I was watching and I didn’t even register it! Oh yeah, and Trish said a couple nasty things about Lita.

Tazz and Cole inform us that next week, Kenzo Suzuki will be taking John Cena on for the US title AGAIN! Lets hope that this match last longer than 45 seconds.

Whoa, lookout! Kurt Angle apparently heard that Big Show is waiting for him, so he opted to use one of the many other doors available to him in the building and is making his way through the crowd. This could take a while, so we’re going to have a few commercials.

Back, and in the ring, Kurt is calling Joy out to make his apology. Joy comes out, and she stands at the top of the ramp. Kurt asks her how she’s doing, that she looks good. He pulls some notes out of his back pocket and begins his apology. He says that it was his competitive spirit that made him kidnap her, tie her up, gag her, and throw her in the trunk of the limo. He’s very, very, very, very, very sorry. He says he knows who’s behind the curtain, and lets get this over with.

“Weeellllllll!!!” here comes the Big Show. Big Show merely points to send Joy to the back and he slowly makes his way to the ring. As Big Show gets in, Kurt bails. He looks to get back in, but then decides “Nahh!” and says that since he’s apologized, he’ll see Big Show at the Royal Rumble. This brings John “Bradshaw” Layfield out (W/ his cabinet). J”B”L tells Kurt that he’s going nowhere, and he’s going to get what he deserves. “And so am I…” J”B”L smiles, and we have our Shocking Swerve ™ of the night. Kurt returns the smile, and then calls for Jindrak and Reigns and the combined teams surround the ring. The lesser members attack black ninja style, and Big Show holds his own, even getting a “Throw everyone off” moment, but after a low blow by Orlando, Kurt hits the Angle Slam, J”B”L follows up with a chair shot, and they take turns beating on him. The Bashams slide some ring steps in and J”B”L and Kurt and double team blast Big Show with it, sending him out of the ring. As the team members gloat over Big Show’s prone form, J”B”L and Kurt stand tall in the ring. Fade out, WWE logo, and we’re outta here.

Ok, better than last week. The matches were more than watchable (Especially Rey/Chavo) and the storylines didn’t want to make be throw things at the TV. Well, there was Undertaker channeling Bill S. Preston ESQ. for a second, but fortunately for us, that was over quickly. I really hope they are not planning on having Cena drop the title next week just to have him win the Royal Rumble and go after the title, but it sounds like the retarded kind of direction that Smackdown would opt for.

See ya next week!