WWE leader, and we recap more of the Main Event Diva castoff bullshit, complete with Big Show’s beatdown from last week.
 

Booker and Mark start. Lockup, Mark forced into the corner, clean break. Lockup, Booker tries to chain wrestle, but Mark punches his way out. Booker comes back with a clothesline, tag to Eddie, Senton to come in. Tag to Rey, he springboards into a dropkick. Doesn’t take long for him to get beat down. Mark tags Orlando in who takes over with some power. Rey gets away after a flying body press and tags Eddie in. Orlando controlling for a minute and doing a bit of jukin’ and jivin’, but Eddie comes back. Tag to Booker, and Eddie picks Orlando up and Booker hits a heel kick for a super spinebuster. Cover gets 2. Luther and Mark get involved here and Booker and Eddie get tossed. Rey tries to help, but Luther presses him out of the ring onto Eddie. As the faces regroup, we go to commercial.

Every time I hear that shitty remake of “In the air tonight” (In the Coach Carter trailer), I weep a little more for the memory of Phil Collins. I know he’s not dead yet, but that this song exists should be enough to kill him.

Back, and Orlando is in control or Rey until Rey gets a dropkick. Rey turning on the heat, knocking Mark off the apron and getting a springboard moonsault into a pres for 2. Orlando in the corner, Rey going for the bronco buster, but Mark pulls Orlando out of the way, and Rey lands hard “on something you don’t want to land hard on!” (Thanks Tazz!) Tag to Luther, a couple release suplexes, tag to Orlando, more power stuff, tag to Luther, more power stuff. Rey gets a couple shots in, but Luther just beats him down. Tag to Mark, who keeps Rey isolated as Eddie and Booker try to help. Tag to Orlando and they do a double big elbow. As the ref is getting Mark out of the ring, Rey gets a surprise rollup, but the ref I over too late to count. Rey still playing Ricky Morton as Mark, and then Luther are tagged in. Tag to Orlando, Luther holds Rey in a full nelson for a free shot, but Rey ducks and Orlando connects with Luther’s mush. They argue and Orlando goes for the cover. Rey kicks out. Rey crawls around, and confuzzles the heels tot hat they are shoving each other around. Rey gets out and tags Eddie in. Eddie is a Casa en Fuego, shoving Orlando down, right, right, right for Luther, and Mark and Orlando get tossed out. Booker in and they double team to toss Luther. Mark back in and he gets drop toe hold’d into the ropes. Eddie holds as Rey hits the 6-1-9. Booker follows up with an axe kick, and Eddie finishes him off with a frogsplash. Booker, Rey, and Eddie stand victorious.

Luther and Orlando up in the ring, and Luther in Orlando’s face. Shoving match ensues, and when Orlando hits the deck, the Bashams are in to stick up for their buddy. Luther backing up until Kurt is out to get the Bashams face. A slapfight ensues and as J”B”L makes his way to the ring, we go to commercials.

Back, and J”B”L and Kurt are argueing. Kurt says that he’ll be walking away from the Royal Rumble with the title. J”B”L calls Kurt a liar (just like Arkansas own Bill Clinton) and they squabble some more. This brings Theodore Long out and he says that with all this talk about who will be the last man standing at the Royal Rumble, Teddy and the fans want to see who will be the last man standing TONIGHT! So for the main event, it’s going to be Kurt Angle and John “Bradshaw” Layfield in a Last Man Standing match. Kurt and J”B”L go ballistic and we are cut to…

Stone Cold Steve Austin press conference. Apparently he’s going to make some movies for Vince.

Commercials.

Boy this is a really easy recap. Tazz and Michael Cole walk us through the Royal Rumble lineup, and we get the extended recap of the Heidenreich/Undertaker shenanigans. Unfortunately, I’m deprived of my giggle moment when they don’t include ‘Takers “Bill and Ted” quote.

Back to the arena, and John Cena is out to defend the US title against some guy from Jackson Hewitt. Oh wait, that’s a commercial.

Back, and Kenzo Suzuki (W/ Hiroko) is out to challenge. Cole and Tazz talk about how Cena wants revenge for Kenzo’s actions last week. I dunno, after all the lopsided beatdowns Cena has given Kenzo, I’d say they’re just about even after Kenzo beat him down last week, wouldn’t you?

Bell rings, and Cena attacks quick, pressing Kenzo down and giving him the Stone Cold beatdown. Boots in the corner, and Cena kicks a field goal to send Kenzo out of the ring. Cena out, ramming Kenzo’s spine into the ringpost. Cena breaking the count, and pounding Kenzo down on the announce table. Cena grabs a headset and shouts about how great he is. Kenzo back into the ring and Cena in after him. A bit more offense, but Kenzo FINALLY gets some offense in by hitting a knife edge on Cena’s throat. Cena in the corner and Kenzo hitting a few knife-edge chops. Cross corner whip and Cena gets an elbow up and hits a clothesline. Cena takes an excruciatingly long time to give us “You can’t see me!” and adds a little flair to the 5-knuckle shuffle by dusting off Referee Charles Robinson’s shoulder as well, then hits the fist drop. Cena pumps up, Kenzo stumbles up to his feet, Cena picks him up, F-U hits, and Cena picks up the duke.

Cole goes into the ring to hand a mic to Cena. Cena grabs it and goes on about energy and momentum. Cena says he doesn’t care if it’s Benoit, Edge, Michael Cole, Tony Chimel, the cameraman, the guy selling popcorn, or whoever is in section 107, row 10, seat 7. Cena stops at this point, and wonders who exactly IS in that seat. Camera zooms in, and whaddyaknow! It’s an adorable little moppet in a Word Life T-Shirt. Cena panders to the crowd a bit more (getting a strained “gang” when he says “chain”), play his music, and…

Backstage, Eddie and Rey are speaking in Spanish. Booker walks in wondering what they’re talking about; they say they’re just talking about the match earlier tonight. Booker says that’s ok, and brings up how Eddie lost them the chance at the tag titles last week. Eddie cops to screwing up, but says that he’s going to make up for it in the rumble and with Booker T and Rey watching his back, he’ll make it to the main event at Wrestlemania! Booker and Rey both give him, “Who you bullshittin’?” and Eddie sits down. Booker spells it out that it’s every man for himself in the rumble, and says that at the end of the Rumble, the winner is going to be, “ReyBookerMysterioT!” Booker and Rey look at each other, and Eddie corrects them by quietly saying, “Eddie Guererro.” Funny stuff.

After commercials, “Hei! Den! Heidenreich!” is out to read us another poem. The lights dim, and he starts.

“The War has been waged, and another battle has begun!”

Heidenreich stops and sees, out in the crowd, a fan with a mockup casket and Heidenreich's likeness in it. Heidenreich grabs it and destroys it. Back in the ring, and he’s reading again. He spouts off about how it’s going to be fun to destroy Undertaker, and in the middle of this, he starts foaming at the mouth. He collapses, and the crowd chants, “Rest in peace!”

Back stage, and Kurt is pounding on Theodore Long’s door. Teddy comes out and Kurt says that Teddy is out of his mind for making this match tonight. Teddy lends a sympathetic ear, and says the match is still on. Kurt storms out, and we’re off to commercials.

Back, and we’ve got a bunch of Cruiserweights in the ring (Spike Dudley, Paul London, Shannon Moore) are out for a fatal four way against Funaki for a spot in the Royal Rumble. Spike starts things off by knocking Funaki off the apron as he holds the belt high. Shannon tries getting a quick rollup on Spike, Paul tries to get one on Shannon, Funaki runs in and grabs a leg scissors to pin Paul, and Spike breaks that up by kicking Funaki in the head. Shannon kicks Spike in the gut and goes for a springboard cross body. Spike dodges and Paul gets hit instead for the cover, which is broken up by spike. Spike tosses Shannon out and he and Paul brawl. Spike with an atomic drop and going for a running clothesline, Paul dodges and Funaki catches him in a backslide, which he kicks out of. Spike gets a suplex and cover attempt, that’s broken up by Paul London. He and Spike brawl, and Paul gets a knee to the jaw and covers for two. Paul with a kick off the whip, but enziguri misses, and Spike gets a half crab. Before London can tap, both Shannon and Funaki in to deliver stereo kicks. Spike and Funaki brawling and they get stereo clotheslines, knocking both of them down. Paul and Shannon brawling in the corner. Shannon gets the better of the exchange and tries going up, Paul kicks his legs out from under him and he gets crotched on the top turnbuckle. Paul with a couple punches and going up after him, but Funaki pulls him off. Funaki trying to whip Paul off the ropes, Paul grabs the top rope. He tries to kick, but Funaki catches his legs and flips him up and out of the ring. Spike tries to capitalize with a Dudley Dawg, but Funaki shoves him off, but Spike gets the ramming headbutt. Shannon off the top with a flying neckbreaker. Funaki breaks up the pin. Shannon and Funaki fighting it out now. Funaki up top, and Shannon trying to stop him, but Spike knocks him out of the ring. Funaki grabs Spike and hits a reverse tornado DDT. Cover, but Shannon yanks Funaki out. Shannon and Paul fighting over the top turnbuckle. Paul gets the better of the exchange and knocks Shannon off on top of Funaki. Paul up top, and hitting the 450 splash. Cover, 1-2-3, and Paul London is going to the royal rumble. And I find it amusing that amongst the Smackdown Superstars that Cole chooses to mention as also being in the match, Daniel Puder is the first name that pops out.

Backstage, J”B”L and Amy are on their way to tell Teddy how STUPID this match is. They are accosted for a second by Carlito Cool and he gets brushed off. They find the door and J”B”L tries walking in but finds the door locked. He pounds on it, and Teddy answers. Teddy tells him, No, he can’t come in, and Yes, the match is still on, deal with it, and slams the door in his face. J”B”L is indignant. Carlito comes up, commiserates, and points out that J”B”L could benefit greatly from having Teddy ousted. J”B”L agrees and signs the petition. As they walk away, Carlito marvels at how cool it is that the WWE Champion just signed his petition. He takes a bit of his apple, and we go to commercials.

Backstage, and the divas are chattering away. Amy walks in and calls for everyone’s attention. Dawn Marie doesn’t give her much respect (gee, I wonder why?) Amy says that it would be in all the diva’s best interest to sign Carlito’s petition, and she says that she’ll even go and ask Joy to sign. Michelle (Whoa! Michelle’s back! All is right with the world!) says that’s not so hot an idea, and says that maybe she should go ask, to which Amy says that she’s not afraid of Joy, and then proceeds to run her down, saying that she’s a walking disaster. Joy walks up behind her with a strawberry yogurt smoothie as Amy prattles on. Amy realizes she’s there, and after a brief catty exchange, gets a chest full of smoothie.

Out to the arena, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield (W/ his cabinet) is out for his Last Man Standing with Kurt Angle (W/ Luther Reigns and Mark Jindrak.) Both men go eye to eye as we go to commercials.

We’re back and Kurt is wrestling J”B”L down. He’s holding J”B”L down with a wristlock, but J”B”L powers up and forces his way out. Kurt wrestles J”B”L down some more, but J”B”L’s power gets the better of him. J”B”L goes for a cover and the ref reminds him that this is Last Man Standing. Back and forth between both men, and Kurt tries a flying press, but J”B”L catches him and hits the fallaway slam. Ref starts the count, but only makes it to 5. J”B”L pounds Kurt down, puts him up on the top rope, and it’s time for a SUPERPLEX! Count is on; both men are up by 5. Kurt with the leg sweep and the ankle lock is applied. J”B”L is tapping quickly, but it doesn’t count. Kurt pulling J”B”L around the ring and gets too close to the Bashams and Danny reaches in and pulls him out. This starts a brawl between all the seconds, and Brian Hebner decides that that’s enough of that and sends everyone but the competitors to the back. As everyone protests, we go to commercials.

Back, and they are brawling by the announce tables. After taking turns bashing each others head on the table, both men go down and we get another count, this one only getting to 4. J”B”L picking Angle up and hitting a few chops on Angle’s chest. Angle comes back and gets a back body drop on the floor. Angle going for an Angle slam, but J”B”L wiggles out of it and shoves Kurt into the ringsteps. J”B”L repeats with the ringpost and the count is on again. This time it gets to 9. Kurt back in the ring, and J”B”L trying to brawl him down, but Kurt locks in and hits a German Suplex. Going for two, now three. Kurt’s not letting go, tho, and he hits a 4^th, followed by a 5^th. Kurt keeps going until he’s hit EIGHT German suplexes. Kurt lets him go and he begins the count, but Bradshaw us up by 8. This time, Kurt grabs a rear choke and brings J”B”L down using that. The ref drops the arm 3 times and Kurt breaks the hold. J”B”L gets up to 8 again. Kurt goes in to attack again, but J”B”L surprises him with a powerbomb. Ref starts the count, and Kurt gets up to 8. Both men exchange a few moves, and Kurt hits the Angle Slam. This time, J”B”L gets up to 9. Kurt running in and trying to get a German, but J’B’L grabs the ropes. Kurt whipping J”B”L and J”B”L surprises Kurt with a Clothesline form Hell. Both men down, and the count is on again. J”B”L up and Kurt BARELY makes it up at 9 9/10. J”B”L gets out of the ring and grabs a chair. Back in the ring, and Kurt surprises him with a kick to the gut and grabs the chair for himself. He poses with it real quick, but J”B”L is up with a boot to the chair and that hits his face. Kurt pulls the old, “I’m gonna sell your devastating move, but not before hitting one of my own” bit and conks J”B”L with the chair before going down. Both men down, and the ref starts the count. Both men stirring at around 7, but neither man can get up in time, so it’s a double count out!

Backstage, Teddy is watching on a monitor and says to his guest, “I’m glad you talked me into this match, playa!” A hand is placed on Teddy’s shoulder and the camera pulls out to show that the hand belongs to The Big Show. Big Show then turns to the camera and tells J”B”L and Kurt to wake up, because he’s going to the Royal Rumble, and they need to get a good look at the next WWE Champion. Kurt and J”B”L are both flabbergasted that Big Show has gotten the last word in, we fade out, WWE logo, and we’re outta here!

Well, that show did just about all it could have to make us excited for Smackdown’s side of the Royal Rumble. It’s a bit of too little, too late, tho. The main event scene should have been at this level of seriousness 3 weeks ago, at least. And I’m not even going to get into the sheer retardedness that is ‘Taker/Heidenreich. And what purpose on earth did it serve to see Kenzo get beat down again by Cena? None, that’s what. I could barely type I was shaking my head in denial of that match. Good to see my boy Paul London getting a bit of recognition, tho.

See ya next week!