I hope that at least one of these is some kind of April Fools Joke. The world could use some more great rock and great laughs.

Anyway, enough with the melancholy, on with the wrasslin!

WWE leader, and it’s “Viva la Rasa!” Eddie Guererro to start us off in Houston, Tejas. Tazz has had a death in the family, so joining Michael Cole tonight is Jerry “The King” Lawler. Eddie’s opponent tonight is Danny Basham (W/ Doug Basham).

Danny makes the gull wing pose to taunt to start, and they lockup. They trade arm wringers and Danny wrestles Eddie down and gets a 1-count. Danny with the Gull pose again, that gets him a Greco-Roman eye poke and Eddie working Danny over in the corner. Danny reverses a whip and hits a powerslam. Cover gets 1 again, and Danny tosses Eddie into the corner. Rights to the head, then to the gut. Eddie into the corner, splash is dodged. Eddie coming back with a dropkick or two, then a 10-punch countalong. Doug tries to interfere, but gets clotheslined off the apron. Eddie hitting the 3-amigos on Danny, then signaling for the frogsplash. Doug reaches in, yanks Eddie out, and gets a few shots in. Eddie fights him off, and this brings Rey out. Rey charges in, and while hitting a handstand bounce off the ropes, accidentally kicks Eddie. Danny takes advantage, gets a schoolboy, and gets the win. Danny and Doug hightail it out of there, meanwhile, Rey is in the ring and apologizing profusely to Eddie. Eddie yells for a second, but eventually calms down, they embrace (reluctantly) and we are off to…

Recap: the Cena/J”B”L “Debate” trainwreck from last week. It was hard enough the first time, I’m not writing about it again.

After commercials, John “Bradshaw” Layfield is getting a talking to from Theodore Long. Teddy says that J”B”L lost control last week (HUH?) and J”B”L retorts by explaining exactly how he DIDN’T lose control. J”B”L says that if he really had lost control, then Cena wouldn’t even be walking right now. He goes on to guarantee that he’ll be walking out of Wrestlemania the champion. Teddy is skeptical, and this brings us to…

All the cruiserweights are in the ring awaiting Chavo Guererro and it’s a Cruiserweight battle royal to determine the new champion! After Chavo poses and preens, the bell rings, and it’s DOGPILE ON THE MEXICAN! Everyone gangs up on Chavo and he is dumped after about 5 seconds! Chavo is livid and he stomps around the ring and tries to collect the belt. The ref drags it away from him and sends him packing. Next out are Funaki and Nunzio, and Scotty Too Hotty gets to hit the worm on Spike Dudley. After, a superkick from Scotty sends Spike out. Faces and heels pair off (London with Kidman, Scotty with Akio) and Akio eliminates Scotty with a clothesline. London working on Kidman, Akio breaks it up and makes it two-on-one on London. Akio and Kidman hit some double team moves and look good doing it until Paul hits a double dropsault. Paul going after Billy, but Akio interrupts and starts beating Paul down in the corner. Paul reverses a whip and sends Akio right at Billy, who back body drops him onto the apron. Paul hits a dropkick on Billy, and the resulting collision sends Akio to the floor. Billy and Paul brawl some more and Billy sends Paul over the top rope. Paul skins the cat, gets Billy in a leg vice, and drags him out. Ladies and gentlemen, Paul London is your NEW Cruiserweight champion! Billy tries to do something after the match, but Paul kicks him off and pulls himself back over the ropes to collect his belt and celebrate.

Backstage, Akebono is here! We get a slow pan up, and Akebono walks in.

Back, and Teddy is in his office talking about Wrestlemania to someone on the phone, when Carlito Caribbean Cool wanders in. he knows we are in Texas tonight, and knows that Teddy probably has something big planned for him tonight, but Carlito has a better idea: The return of Carlito to the ring! He shows off that his arm is 100% again and says it’s what the fans want! Teddy tries to protest that Carlito isn’t medically cleared, but he’s talked into the idea. Teddy decides that Carlito in the ring tonight would be a good thing, and then makes the match: Carlito Caribbean Cool vs. John Cena. Carlito’s expression drops at this announcement, and Teddy tells him to get ready.

Elsewhere, Rey is rather put out because of his screw up earlier. Eddie happens by and Rey apologizes profusely again. Eddie knows it was an accident, but he’s peeved that Danny got a win over him. He knows he can beat Danny, everyone knows it. Rey gets a great idea: “Let me wrestle Doug tonight!” Eddie says hell yeah, and Rey scurries off to make the match. Eddie is left behind with a ‘look’ on his face.

Back from commercials, and Luther Reigns is in the ring. Backstage, Booker T is stoked to be back in town and says he can’t wait to have some FUN tonight! His new bride, Sharmell, is there to bring him back down to earth and tells him that Luther just said that he was going to beat Booker down. Booker wants to know if she really just said that, “Tell me you didn’t just say that!” and Sharmell keeps up with him amazingly. I think Sharmell is giving Booker his best sounding board since Goldust. If WWE doesn’t sign her and make her Booker’s valet, they are missing a BIG boat here. Bookers music hits and he’s off to the ring.

In the ring, Booker comes out of the gate quick, but Luther returns the offense and they brawl back and forth. Pretty basic match for about 4 minutes, with Booker being on defense for most of it. Finally, Booker gets a sidekick, Book End, and covers for the pin.

Backstage, Teddy is telling a techie about the change in lineup with Cena/Carlito and he struts into his room, where Cowboy Bob Orton is waiting (Sans cast.) Teddy is surprised and asks what Orton wants. Orton Sr. has been trying to talk some sense into Randy about this Wrestlemania match against Undertaker. Randy, being the toolbox that he is, doesn’t listen very well, so Sr. asks Teddy if he can talk to the Undertaker. Teddy goes into dead serious mode at this point and makes sure that this really is what he wants. Orton says yes, so Teddy gives him the ring and we’ll find out what happens NEXT!

Back, and Tony Chimel gives him the Hall of Fame introduction and here comes Cowboy Bob Orton! Sr. has a smile on his face a mile wide, and tells us that it’s great to be back, but he’s got mixed feelings. He pauses for a “Randy Sucks” chant, then goes on to say that he’s happy to be inducted into the Hall of Fame, and starts REALLY selling the snake oil by telling us that he is also proud to have molded Randy into one of the greatest wrestlers in the ring today. After I finish killing myself with laughter at this last statement, Sr. cuts to the chase and asks the Undertaker to come to the ring. We get a few seconds and then…

“Bong!” Here comes the Undertaker, complete with Blue light, smoke, and theatrics. After ‘Taker removes his hat, Sr. is quick to say that he’s just out here to talk. He says that he told Randy to go find the biggest, baddest guy in the back, and he did. Now while Randy’s acknowledgement is a sign of respect, everything else he’s done since then has been way overboard. He apologizes for Randy’s disrespect, and asks Undertaker to “Put the beast back in the cage” for this Sunday. He gives ‘Taker the mic, and ‘Taker says that with that one slap, Young Randall has sealed his fate and at Wrestlemania, he’ll rest in peace. Sr. decides to go one more step, says he’s never done this for any man, and kneels down, begging ‘Taker to show mercy on Randy. ‘Taker just shakes his head and turns to leave. Sr. grabs his hand, asking one more time, and ‘Taker turns, possibly looking to dole out some chokeslam goodness, but the crowd noise signals Randy Orton’s run in and he hits an RKO on Undertaker out of nowhere. Sr. bails with Randy and they observe ‘Taker from ringside. Sr. counts 3, demonstrating that the RKO can keep him down long enough, and to add effect, ‘Taker tries to get up, but falls back down again. As the Ortons celebrate, we go to commercial.

Back, and Doug Basham (W/ Danny) is in the ring to take on Rey Mysterio (W/ Eddie Guererro)

Rey starts fast, but Doug’s power takes over quick. Abdominal stretch is reversed by Rey with a headscissors. Cover attempt gets two. Rey into the corner and he has an elbow for Doug. Rey up top, hitting the seated senton. Cover gets 2. Rey with a drop toehold and Doug set up for a 6-1-9. Rey hits it and goes up for the coup-de-grace, but Eddie is in to chase Danny off. Eddie hits the ropes, tho, and Rey loses his balance. Danny drags Eddie out as Doug covers and gets the win.

After the match, Rey is asking Eddie what’s up; Eddie says he was trying to help. Rey is standoffish for a few seconds, but eventually he lets up and they embrace. During the embrace, however, Eddie gets that evil look on his face for an instant, and then is back in character to raise Rey’s hand as we go to commercials.

Back, and Kurt Angle has been cornered by Josh. Josh asks Kurt if his strategy has changed after failing to take Shaun Michaels out last Monday. Kurt didn’t like the sound of that, and runs down his accomplishments, and says he doesn’t know what the word failure means. But since Josh is so eager to find out what Kurt’s strategy is, he’ll show him. Kurt clocks Josh and proceeds to beat him down and drags him out to the ring. He beats him down, busting his lip, throws him out of the ring, drags him back in, then tells Josh to hit him. Josh struggles up, and gets one good shot in. This just pisses Kurt off and he goes ballistic on Josh, and then rants to the camera about how he’s going to destroy HBK. He then slaps in the Ankle lock. Kurt grabs a mic, and tells Shaun to pay attention, because this is what’s going to happen to him. And to further illustrate the point, he sends us to the “Kurt Angle up to now” video to perfectly punctuate the segment. I’ll tell ya, the visual of a blood covered Kurt screaming in rage would stop pretty much any man in his tracks.

Back, and Michael Cole is in the ring and when he says, “Sumo match” You can almost see the disbelief crossing his eyes. Anyway, it’s time for the weigh in, so first out…

“Weeeelllll!!!” It’s the Big Show! Big Show takes his spot in the ring, and here comes Akebono. Cole tells the two of them that this will be a traditional sumo match, where you score points by knocking your opponent off his feet or out of a drawn circle. Big Show steps on the scale and he tips it at 493 pounds. Akebono steps up, does the traditional sumo stomp, and steps on the scale. He tips it at 504 lbs. Big shows eye grow wide, and When Cole prompts, says that while he’s surprised that there is actually someone heavier than him, he’s still bigger, and points to his overturning of the jeep last week as a demonstration of him handling weight. Akebono on the mic, and he is deeply honored that Big Show challenged him to a Sumo match at Wrestlemania, and to repay the favor, he would like to have a WWE style match TONIGHT! Cole does his best Keanu “Woah!” and makes the match, and it’s coming up NEXT!

Back, and oh, the match isn’t against Big Show, it’s against Johnny Jobberboy. Johnny tries to attack with a big flurry, but Akebono simply push hands him off. Johnny tries going up top, Akebono catches him and spinebusters him on the turnbuckle. Ouch! Akebono drags him to the middle of the ring, sets up over top of him, and puts the double fists down to pin. Big Show’s eyes are like a pair of saucers as he stands and applauds Akebono’s squash.

We Recap the Wrestlemania card, and then it’s off to commercials.

“I spit in the face, of people who don’t want to be cool!” Carlito Caribbean Cool is out to take on John Cena.

Carlito uses the ref to shield against Cena, ultimately hiding in the ropes. Lockup, and Carlito grabs the ropes and bails. Carlito back in and Cena takes over with the beat down. This goes on for about 2 minutes and Cena is pumping up to do his 5 moves of doom, when WWE decides to ROYALLY piss me off! J”B”L is out with a group of cops and Cena is being arrested for vandalizing J”B”L’s limo. The cops get in, bring him down, handcuff him, and drag him out of the ring. J”B”L stops them, taunts Cena about being a wrestling god, then kicks him in the nuts. J”B”L tells Cena he’d better get used to worshiping at his feet, play his music, fade out, and we’re outta here

In the convention organization world, we have a little joke we like to tell. If someone asks us, “How’s the con coming along?” less than 2 weeks before the actual event, we respond, “Great! One more month of preparation and we’ll be ready!” It usually gets a laugh and we return to our usual panic mode.

This is the place WWE is in right now. Unfortunately, the joke isn’t that funny. WWE needs another month of planning to really flesh out Wrestlemania, but April 3^rd looms high and time has run out. The matches are there, but there really hasn’t been much done to make us care about them, especially on the Smackdown side. Right now, if someone asked me, I probably couldn’t list from memory all the matches Smackdown is putting on without consulting the list, and I recap the goddamn thing! Things were not helped when they used one of the lamest copouts in history. One of these competitors needed to be standing over the prone body of the other, not having the other be dragged away by cops at the end.

Anyway, There you have it, folks. Hopefully Wrestlemania will stand on it’ own two feet, because WWE has done nothing to give it any other kind of support.

See ya next week.