Oop, Judge Joe Brown just said, ‘Judgment according,’ so that means it’s time for wrasslin!
 

WWE leader, Smackdown Opening, and Welcome to NOT the George W. news conference, live! (taped) from Birmingham, England.

“I spit in the face of people who don’t want to be cool!” Carlito is out for Carlito’s cabana. He gets a few cheers, 

His guest tonight is not only cool, but he’s an American and a gold medallist.

Kurt Angle is out, and he disputes the title “Great” Britain, seeing as how there isn’t anything “great” about England. He goes on about how he beat HBK, and predicts his future victory against John Cena and threatens to ramble on some more when…

A jaunty march sounds out and here comes a local boy. Carlito and Kurt are perturbed at the interruption. The young man introduces himself as Steve Lewington, and says that since Kurt is in his country, how about giving him a shot at the Kurt Angle invitational. Kurt gives us “WTF?” and then affects a British accent to tell the kid to piss off. Steve looks a little dejected and turns to leave, so Kurt takes this moment to attack him from behind and send him out of the ring. “Insult their intelligence and attack them from behind! The American way!” Kurt tells Big Show, booker T, and J”B”L to take a good look, because they are looking at the man that will beat them and go on to take the championship. Steve attacks Kurt from behind and gets some good shots in before Kurt gets the Low blow, hits the Angle Slam, and slaps on the ankle lock. He wrenches it in for a few seconds and finally lets go. After he leaves, Carlito as the final dickish touch by spitting apple in Steve’s face. Play Carlito’s music, and we are off to commercials.

“Can you handle my truth?” Britney, I dare say that you have absolutely nothing that will shock, interest, or even titillate anyone anymore. Go pose nude for Playboy and then maybe I’ll pay attention to you. Until then, go away!

Back, an your special guest ring announcer is Torrie Wilson.

Paul London is out to 2^{nd-turnbuckle-backflip his way into our hearts as he defends the cruiserweight title against Chavo Guererro.}

Chavo starts fast with brawling. Paul comes back with a couple hiptosses, but Chavo guillotines Paul on the top rope and he takes over again. Paul comes back with a couple big clotheslines and a sweet looking spin kick. Cover gets 2, Chavo tries to come off the ropes, and Paul puts him down with a dropsault. Cove gets 2 again. During all this, Tazz insinuates that Cole would wear Paul’s boot tassels around the hotel bar, and Cole rambles about how Teddy Long doesn’t like Tazz and thinks he might get traded in the draft lottery. During this, Paul is going up for the shooting star press, but Chavo springs up and knocks Paul off the top ropes and he lands on the ring post. Paul hits the floor and the ref begins the count. Ref gets all the way to 10, and Chavo wins the match. Chavo goes and grab the title belt, but Referee Jimmy Korderas snatches the belt back from him and Torrie announces that while Chavo won the match, he didn’t win the title. Chavo goes ballistic, drags Paul into the ring, and hits the Gory Bomb.

Last week, Eddie and Rey didn’t get along after losing the titles. Later tonight, the Rematch!

Back, and there’s some Daily Star girls! They aren’t topless, so no real reason for them to be there.

Backstage, and Booker T and Sharmell are doing their best “Shaft” riff when Booker spies Heidenreich. Heidenreich doesn’t want any trouble. He’s got a poem! He reads it and it’s praising Booker on his ability and predicts victory for Booker in the 4-way, and going on to win the title. Booker is about to say what he thinks of it, but Sharmell watch this one. She gets in Heidenreichs face, and informs him that they can dig THAT! Suckaaaa! Heidenreich is happy they liked the poem, counts another two friends made, and we go to…

Elsewhere, and Rey Mysterio is sullenly putting on his gear. Here comes Eddie Guererro and he’s all smiles and comments about how the steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car and Rey will have to drive and stuff. Eddie finally can’t ignore that Rey is giving him the cold shoulder and gets serious. He’s in the middle of saying he’s sorry for last week when Chavo barges in. Chavo brags about his victory tonight, and says that soon, he’ll have the cruiser title back. He then starts trying to plant seeds and Eddie cuts him off. Eddie tears into him, saying that when he needed someone, when he reached out for a tag, when everything was going wrong and he needed help, Rey was there, not his own blood. He turns to Rey and says, from the bottom of his heart, that Rey is la Familia, and that the only thing in the world that means more to him than this business is his friendship with Rey. Rey stands and is about to say something when Chavo interrupts and asks if he’s actually buying Eddies line of bull. Rey tells him to shut up and get out! Rey and Eddie bond, and freshly invigorated, they are off to retake the championships!

Back from commercials, and Eddie Guererro and Rey Mysterio are out to challenge MNM for the tag titles.

Eddie and Nitro start, and Eddie goes right to the Greco-Roman Eyepoke and with a few Quick tags to Rey, controls. Eddie gets back body dropped onto the apron and Mercury yanks him down. While the ref tries to control Rey, Eddie eats a ringpost and is now our face in peril. Quick tags keep Eddie out of his own corner. Mercury with the bear hug, but Eddie is able to fight his way back into it and Rey comes in with a springboard, nearly kicking Eddie in the process. Rey off the ropes, going for the cross body, Mercury ducks and Eddie takes it full on. Eddie out of the ring clutching his ribs. Rey taking care of business in the ring, setting Mercury up for the 6-1-9 off a hurricanrana when he sees Eddie hobbling up the ramp. Rey calls after him, but Eddie doesn’t hear (or does he!?) Rey decides to go for the 6-1-9, but like last week, Nitro is there to kick him in the gut and hit the powerbomb. He goes and revives Mercury who covers Rey. 1-2-NO! Eddie is recovering (or simply waiting to see Rey get pinned?) and with the chants of the crowd loud in his ears, he heads back to the ring. As he’s walking back, we go to commercial.

Back, and Rey is being taken apart by MNM. Eddie is in his corner, but instead of the concerned partner, he’s looking on in what seems to be detached disinterest. Next few minutes is MNM showing off various submission and power moves. Rey comes back with a BIG tilt-a-whirl head scissors (getting a full 3 rotations!) Both men off to the slow crawl, and they both reach their corners, but Mercury takes the tag from Nitro, but Rey is reaching and not getting anything, Eddie is just standing there, looking at him. Mercury beats Rey down, and then calls Nitro in for their finisher. Mercury keeps an eye on Eddie, but he doesn’t do anything as the ref counts 1-2-3. MNM retain the titles.

After the match, MNM are still suspicious of Eddie, but at Milenas urging, they do a post match beatdown on Rey, ending with him being slid out of the ring and landing unceremoniously on the floor. Eddie just continues to watch and when we get a close-up, we don’t see anger, we don’t see jealousy, we see nothing. Eddie’s expression is blank with maybe a hint of disappointment. Eddie steps down off the apron, steps over Rey’s writhing form, and heads up the ramp. As he slowly backs up, Rey regains consciousness and calls for Eddie. Eddie still shows no expression as we go to commercials.

Back, and Tazz and Cole are talking about Eddie. Tazz says he doesn’t even know who this Eddie is, and that Eddie has apparently walked all the way out of the building.

But we have a show to do, so here comes Rene DuPree, making his triumphant return after being put out of action for a few weeks by a tombstone piledriver. Uh oh, he has a mic. He says that they have been watching American after American walk down to the ring, but finally, you have a European in Rene. Hmm, he must have missed Steve during Carlito’s Cabana. Rene says that France has the greatest athletes in Europe but doesn’t get much further because John Cena is out for a non-title matchup.

Rene gets a quick start with a series of stomps and a spinning spinebuster. Cena comes back with some rights, but Rene gets a kick to the gut and puts Cena down with a forearm to the back of the head. Rene with a rear choke, Cena fights up, but Rene with a knee to the gut and the rear choke is slapped on again. Cena fights out and this time, he gets out and it’s time for the Cena 5-moves-of-doom: Suplex, turnaround sidewalk slam, pump it up, 5-kuckle shuffle, F-U, 1-2-3, Cena wins. At least he didn’t get a chance to make a poop joke.

Back and Muh-Muh-Matt Morgan is out to take on Mikey Whiplash! Oh yeah, this ought to be a classic! Why, I remember Mikey’s matches from ECW with great fondness and… Oh wait, this isn’t Whipwreck. Never mind.

Matt grabs a mic, and says that last week he stuttered and that this n… n…. he’s never done that before. He stutters his way through “I don’t stutter!” and turns around to deliver a quick boot to Mikey’s head. Match is about 20 seconds: a little bit of beatdown, and he finishes with the suplex into the spinebuster. I’ll call it the Morg-o-matic until they actually name it.

Backstage, and J”B”L has the old title, and he’s saying that he’ll never stop until he restores some dignity to the title. In comes The Big Show, telling J”B”L that nobody likes him, that the ‘wrestling god’ has fallen from grace, and that he’s on a losing streak. J”B”L promises victory tonight, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Cena shot a music video for Bad Bad Man. Looks interesting. I mean, hey, how can you go wrong with the A-Team?

“Can you dig it, Sucka?!” “Weeeeelllll!!!” “You Suck!” and J”B”L doesn’t really have a chant, but here come our four competitors.

Booker T vs. The Big Show vs. Kurt Angle vs. John “Bradshaw” Layfield (W/ Orlando Jordan) in a 4-way elimination match for the #1 contendership for the WWE Title.

As M. Night Shayamalan would say: What a twist! J”B”L goes directly after Kurt Angle to start in retribution for walking out on him last week, so Big Show and Booker shrug and go after each other. Big Show quickly takes control, and it’s headbutts all around. Big Show triple stacks everyone up in the corner and big splash. Shoulderblock for J”B”L, but Kurt gets an Angle Slam out of nowhere. Cover gets 1. Booker follows up with a scissors kick, but that cover only gets 2. Bradshaw finishes up with a Hades Lariat, but THAT only gets 2. Big Show trying to get up, but J”B”L clotheslines him out of the ring. Kurt out of the ring, and he gets a big idea. He broadly gestures to Booker and they prep the announce table. J”B”L with the big boot, Booker with a superkick, and Kurt finishes with an Angle Slam through the table. All 3 men back in the ring as the ref counts. Big Show tries to get up, but can’t make it back in time and he is eliminated via countout. Kurt and J”B”L go after Booker as soon as the ref counts 10 and we head to commercials.

Back, and Kurt and J”B”L are continuing their offense on Booker. Booker fights back, bets a big clothesline for Kurt, back body drop for J”B”L, but gets tied up in the ropes on the follow-up. Booker out and J”B”L follows. Attempted whip is reversed and J”B”L eats ringsteps. Booker back in, but Kurt is right there and he works Booker down. Booker comes back with a leg lariat, but J”B”L is back in with kidney shots galore. Booker coming back, hitting the book-end, but here comes Kurt again with a German suplex. More beatdown on Booker, they have a finisher reversal sequence ending with Kurt getting the ankle lock on, but Booker shoves him off only to walk into an Angle slam. Cover only gets 2. Kurt goes over and kicks J”B”L in the corner, but turns around into a superkick. Booker tries to cover, but only gets 2. Outside, Orlando grabs a chair and slides it into J”B”L. The ref sees this and goes to eject Orlando. While Orlando keeps the ref’s attention, J”B”L slides the chair back into the ring. Kurt baseball slides J”B”L and then uses the chair on Booker. Orlando, his job done, lets the ref go and he gets back in the ring in time to count the pinfall on Booker. J”B”L back in the ring and both men brawling as we go to our final commercial break.

Back. And Kurt is fighting his way out of a J”B”L headlock. Moments ago, Booker T found out he’ll have to wait another month or two before challenging for the title. Kurt slaps on the ankle lock, and J”B”L makes the ropes. J”B”L back up, and he hits the fallaway slam. J”B”L back up and calling for the Hades lariat. He goes for it, Kurt ducks, and the ref gets taken out. Here come the Bashams. German for Danny. German for Doug. Turning his attention on J”B”L, German for him and then stalking him for the ankle lock. Kurt slaps it on, and J”B”L is tapping quick, but no ref. Kurt keeps it on until Booker T comes back in and pastes him with a steel chair. Danny Basham grabbing the ref and hoisting him into the ring. J”B”L covers, Ref slowly counts. 1! 2! 3! And J”B”L is your #1 contender! The Bashams get in the ring and help him celebrate. J”B”L is handed his classic title, and as he staggers up the ramp, fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here!

See ya next week!