Tonight on Smackdown: Rey promises that as long as he breathes, he’s going to make Eddie pay!

No WWE leader, we go right into the opening and we are Live (taped) from Arizona.

Remember how enthusiastic I was about Smackdown getting Chris Benoit? Well, here comes the living, breathing, walking, talking sack of duh himself, Randy Orton to provide the antithesis of that elated feeling. And if Randy can get on TV next week and read that whole sentence I just wrote without stumbling around like the marble mouthed goof he is, I’ll go and personally give him a cookie at Summerslam.

Oh yeah, he’s talking. He was expecting his reputation to precede him (a reputation by the name of RANDY ORTON!) But he’s surprised that he hasn’t gotten a warm reception from the Smackdown fans. He goes down the list of wrestlers that have done their letter best to make him a superstar and then moves on to the Undertaker. He whines about how ‘Taker exploited an injury to win the match at Wrestlemania, then throws us to footage of last week where he RKO’d ‘taker. Coming back, he throws a hissy fit when the fans chant for ‘Taker, then goes to leave. Undertaker creepovision takes over the smackatron, tho, and we get a recap of Wrestlemania and young Randall getting powerdriven. We come back, and the arena is dark, and lights are flashing. The ring fills with smoke, and when the lights come up, there’s The Undertaker, right behind Randy. Randy does his best Speed Racer, “WHAAAA!?!?!!?” pose, then bails. He tells ‘Taker that it won’t be on his terms, it’ll be on Randy’s terms. ‘Taker has a mic and simply says, “Wait? Death waits for no one!” and a lightning bolt singes Randy’s eyebrows off. Randy takes a second to decide how to sell it and went for the mic (I dunno, I guess he was going to scream into it or something) but decides to let body language tell the story and stumbles to the back as we go to break.

Back, and Joey Mercury (W/ Nitro and Milena) is out to take on “Hei! Den! Heidenreich!” (W/ footage from last week).

Mercury tries to get the first shot in, but Heidenreich catches him and controls to start with power. Nitro tries to trip him up, but Heidenreich pulls him up to the apron. Nitro with the Greco Roman Eyepoke, but Heidenreich shrugs it off and hits a big boot to send Nitro crashing to the floor. Mercury takes over with a body slam and gets some basic offense in before applying the sleeper. Heidenreich hulks up and puts Mercury down. Milena tries to interfere at this point, but this only pisses Heidenreich off and he moves to go after her. Milena screams and turns to hightail it out of there but runs right into a Thesz press from Michelle McCool. As they catfight outside, Milena tries to escape into the ring, but Michelle is going after her.  Heidenreich has Mercury up for the two fisted chokeslam, but Nitro is in to deliver a superkick to the side of Heidenreichs head. The Ref, being distracted by the wimmen and all, didn’t see it and only turns around in time to see Mercury covering. 1-2-3 and Mercury bails and MNM make their way up the ramp as Michelle sees to Heidenreich. You know, I’ve never been much one for barefoot, but Michelle pulls it off wonderfully.

Back from commercials, and Earlier today, Rey Mysterio wanted to end this last week. So he hit Eddie with a chair, once, twice, and he kept going and didn’t think he’d ever stop. Eddie got away, but in doing so, he’s awakened something in Rey, and tonight, it’s not about winning a match. Nononono! It’s about Redemption!

Backstage, Milena is wondering what the hell just happened. Mercury and Nitro are impressed with their handling of Heidenreich, but Milena wasn’t talking about him, she was talking about Michelle. She gets indignant at the thought that Michelle might actually be perceived as better than her, so she plans to take her on in a match. The guys butter Milena up and Milena declares that after their match, Michelle will be known as McLoser. The trio exchange respect knuckles at their groaner.

John “Bradshaw” Layfield is at the door of Theodore Longs office and when Teddy answers, because of his stellar performance against Undertaker last week, he wants to be named the Smackdown Champion. Teddy tells him to meet him in the ring later tonight because he got a big surprise. J”B”L guesses that it’s the new draft pick, and teddy just smiles and slams the door in J”B”L’s face. J”B”L asks who it is, but can’t even get Teddy to give up the initials.

Back, and Chavo Guererro is out to take on Paul London for the Cruiserweight championship.

They circle, and Paul starts things off with a couple kicks. They lock up and Chavo into the corner. The break, circle, and after the lockup, Chavo gets an armdrag. Paul applauds him and they circle again. Hammerlock exchange, then they switch out armbars. Chavo takes over with a kick to the head, but after a bit of power offense, Paul takes over with a standing hurricanrana. (!) Chavo charges and Paul back body drops him out of the ring.

A mariachi band starts up and here comes… A lawn tractor? It’s Super Crazy, Psychosis, and Juventude Guererra! As Mexican Lawn boys. Called the Mexicools. It’s so crazy, I like it! Psychosis takes Chavo out with a slam into the ringsteps, following up with a hilo off the ringsteps. Into the ring, and Juvi dropkicks Paul London down, and Super Crazy hits a moonsault off the top rope, followed by a Psychosis legdrop. Juvi has the mic, and says that the Mexican boys have always been good for mowing your lawn, parking your cars, crossing your rivers, but now, the Mexicools are going to take over Smackdown! More was said, but I lost a good portion of it due to thick accents. But that doesn’t matter. All I care about is that if they let these guys do half of what they’re capable of, then Smackdown just got a whole lot better!

Back, and J”B”L is in the ring, declaring that it is morning again. He tells us that Smackdown has been without a champion for the longest time, and he doesn’t mean since the lottery. He says that since his fluke loss at Wrestlemania, Smackdown has been without a deserving guy on top. He says that Teddy Long has finally seen the light, and now has no choice but to name him the champion of Smackdown. He says that no matter if you’re catholic, protestant, hindu, buddist, hetero, homo, bi, trisexual, whatever! Now, you can all bow down before the wrestling God.

Booker T is out, and J”B”L says that Booker doesn’t’ have to bow down, but he can shake his hand in congratulations. Booker says that nobody should be NAMED Smackdown champion; that they need to EARN it. He says that tonight, they should hook up and see who has the sac to earn it!

Chris Benoit is out, and J”B”L exhorts him to explain it to Booker. Benoit snatches the mic away and says he ain't explaining NOTHING and decides that they should make it a Triple Threat! Booker is down with that, but J”B”L doesn’t like the idea at all.

The Big Show is now out and tells J”B”L that he has two choices: Make it a fatal Four-way, or watch Benoit, Booker and himself in a triple threat after they beat the living hell out of J”B”L.

Teddy Long is out with the new championship in hand. J”B”L thanks god that he’s here and exhorts him to tell everyone that he’s the champ. Teddy tells us that next week, that he will indeed name J”B”L the champ. (boos) THAT’S IF he wins the 5-man challenge match tonight featuring the 4 men in the ring and The Undertaker! (cheers)

Sitar Music hits and here comes Muhammad Hassan (W/ Divari). Divari introduces Hassan in Farsi, and Muhammad starts into his shtick. He lays claim to the longest winning streak in WWE history, and pulls his normal card about how he’s being discriminated against and that he deserves a title shot. He runs down all the guys in the ring (telling Big Show that he could beat him any night of the week.) Teddy says ok, and next week, it’ll be a six-pack challenge with Hassan added. Hassan tries getting in everyone’s face and catches a beatdown for his troubles. Divari gets pressed out to join him and Teddy has one more thing to say. He also agrees with Hassan that his Smackdown Debut should be special, remembers something he said to Big Show earlier, and makes the match: Hassan vs. Big Show and it’s NEXT!

Back, and Big Show is manhandling Hassan all over the ring. After a minute or so of this, Matt Morgan comes out and takes a position at the announce table. Hassan takes advantage of Big Show’s distraction and gets a flurry of offense in. that doesn’t last long and Big Show takes back over with a couple chest slaps. After Matt stumbles through a few lines, he grabs a steel chair and tries to intercede when Big Show pulls Divari in for ranting at him on the apron. Big Show shoves Hassan into the referee, taking him out. Big Show punches the chair back into Matt’s face. As he goes to chokeslam Matt, Divari grabs the chair and gets a shot in. Show shoves him off, and Divari drops the chair. Big Show goes to pick it up, but Divari goes up to the second turnbuckle and jumps, driving Big Show’s face into the chair. Big Show is down, and Hassan covers. The Referee is mobile enough to count the 1-2-3, and Hassan has his first win on Smackdown!

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Back, and it’s a recap of the hostilities between Eddie and Rey.

Backstage, and Eddie is taping up when Steve Romero comes in to annoy him. Eddie knows that the question is, “Can he bet Rey?” Eddie knows that everyone thinks Eddie can’t beat Rey. Eddie knows what he’s capable of, tho, and leaves it at that.

Back, and here comes Eddie Guererro for his match against Rey Mysterio.

Bell rings, and they circle, pausing to soak up an “Eddie Sucks!” chant. They tease a lockup and back off. Lockup, Eddie with side headlock, Rey with headscissors, both men get away and it’s a standoff again. Back in, and Eddie working the arm. Rey kips up and gets out, surprising Eddie. Feeling out process, and Eddie pulls Rey into a drop toehold and put on a headlock. Rey wristlocking his way out, forces his way into the corner, and they break. Both men in the corner again, clean break. Eddie shoots in and gets a leg takedown and puts a reverse figure 4 on and tries for a surfboard, but Rey fights up and turns it around right into an Eddie headlock. Rey gets out and monkey flips Eddie out of the ring and then follows up with a slingshot press to the floor. Both men outside and we take a break for commercials.

Back, and Rey is still in control and keeping it with a series of dropkicks and leg drops. Rey putting Eddie in an ab stretch. Eddie elbows the knee and hip tosses Rey out, but Rey is right back in with the ab stretch. We get a few good close-ups of the bruise Eddie suffered last week. Eddie powering his way back up, and he picks Rey up and sets him on the top turnbuckle. Ref calls for the break and Eddie goes for it, then suddenly snaps and shoves Rey out of the ring, sending him crashing to the floor. Eddie out, bashing Reys head into the announce table, then slamming him into the ringsteps. Eddie back in and as he mugs, we go to commercials again.

Back, and Eddie is in control. Rey runs into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Eddie kicking Rey while he’s down, then steps on Reys head and taunts the crowd. Eddie powerbombs Rey into a pin, but only gets two. Second pin attempt has Reys foot on the bottom rope. Eddie with the camel clutch. Somehow, Rey is able to dump Eddie out of the ring, but Eddie is right back in and pounding on Rey. Eddie with a spinebuster off the turnbuckles. Eddie hauling Rey around like a sack of potatoes. Eddie chokes Rey for a second, the locks in a full nelson. Rey makes it to the ropes, so Eddie has to break, so he just goes to work with the forearm shots. Eddie picks Rey up for an Alabama slam, but Rey reverses with a head scissors. Rey dropkicking Eddie into the ropes, but Eddie is back up to level Rey with a clothesline. Cover gets 2. Eddie slaps on a facelock. Rey trying to power up, but Eddie picks him up and breaks him across his knee. Rey struggling up using the ropes, Eddie goes in, but Rey has a couple mulekicks for him. Eddie tries to clothesline, but Rey ducks, goes off the ropes and grabs a bulldog. Count is on, both men back up at 5. Rights exchange ends with a couple thumbs to Rey’s eyes, but Rey has gotten his second wind and gets a couple clotheslines and a back body drop. Rey keeping up the offense and then going up for a moonsault, but Eddie is there to stop that. Eddie drags Rey down, does his strut, and hits the three amigo’s. On the third, Rey reverses and sends Eddie into the ropes. Eddie ducks a 6-1-9 attempt and gets the last suplex. Eddie up, going for the frogsplash, but Rey moves. Rey with a leg drop, but Eddie kicks out of the cover. Eddie back up and going for the powerbomb, but Rey fights his way out and turns it into a hurricanrana to send Eddie into the ropes. Rey wastes no time hitting the 6-1-9 and drops the dime to follow up. Rey covers. 1! 2! 3! Rey wins again, and Eddie can’t beat Rey! Rey takes his leave, and as Eddie slowly registers that he lost again, we fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here.

Up to the main event, pretty standard show. Good setup for the 6-man next week, a couple decent matches, and the debut of the wrestlers I’M most excited to see. If Juvi is a heel for more than 6 months, I’ll eat a bug. The young girl contingent alone will demand his face turn.

Once we got to the main event, show stepped up to awesome. This was a great free-per-view match and leaves this feud open for future hostilities or they can let it settle down for a while. Either way, this made it worth missing the final game in the NBA Playoffs. Not like that really matters, seeing as how I don’t really watch Basketball. Still, awesome match.

Looking forward to next week. See ya then!