And now, to the real preamble:
 

Anyway, enough blubbering, on with the Wrasslin!

WWE leader, and last week, until Eddie and Rey can settle their differences; Dominic will be taken into protective custody.

Smackdown Opening, and we are 3 days from Summerslam as pyro goes off in Toronto. Later tonight, it’s a rematch of last years SS main event, but right now…

“Can you feel the heat?” Eddie Guererro is out and scowling at everyone within scowling distance. There’s a ladder in the ring. Last week, Rey called Eddie out, challenged him to a match for custody at Summerslam, and then called him a Chicken shit! Well, last week, Teddy Long said there was only one way to handle this, and Eddie agrees, so now the match at Summerslam is a ladder match, with the custody papers to be suspended in a briefcase above the ladder. You ask why Eddie is going through all this? It’s because he loves his son. Crowd calls bullshit on this. He says that Rey has lied to Dominic all his life and not told him the truth about his paternity and says that he’d never lie to him like that. Come Sunday, he’s not going to beat Rey for himself. He’s going to climb the ladder and take those custody papers for all the fathers in the world that ever loved their sons. He invokes the names of his father Gory, he invokes his brothers, and he says he’ll do it for Dominic, punctuating each name with another step up the ladder. On top of the ladder, the camera close-ups, and Eddie tells Dominic that on Sunday, he’s coming home with Papi. Damn good promo, and I could just as easily see Eddie getting cheered with the exact same promo as a babyface.

Commercials, and we are back with Jillian Hall in the ring (I swear, the “Blemish” on her face changes every week.) She is apparently doing guest ring announcer duties for the mixed tag match. She introduces the next tag team champions of the world MNM and calls Milena the most dominant woman in the WWE today. Booker T and Sharmell just have to be happy with Tony Chimel announcing for them.

Booker and Mercury start. Booker and Sharmell have a tender moment before the match starts, so Milena makes a big show of giving Mercury a peck on the cheek. Lockup is turned into a hiptoss exchange and Booker wins it with a couple chops. Booker gets a boot the Mercury’s chin and he tags out to Milena quick. Booker makes a show of it and Sharmell comes in to a good pop. Sharmell dominates with a few cross corner whips and Milena gets away to tag Mercury in. he intercepts Sharmell on her way to her corner and looks to plan something nefarious, but Sharmell has FIRE and rakes mercury’s eyes. Tag to Booker and he gets a couple clotheslines and a back kick, but Mercury comes back with a poke to the eye and a neckbreaker. After a 2-count, he goes for a side headlock, but we all know that side headlocks actually give wrestlers power and Booker fights up, elbows his way out, and builds up to an axe kick. He takes Mercury’s arm and tags Milena with it, then drags her in and across the ring to tag Sharmell in and give her a free shot. Sharmell gets a forearm in, but when she goes to follow up, Milena gets an elbow to the gut and follows up with a tackle and blatant choke. Milena works the lower back until Sharmell comes back with some offense of her own. Sharmell has Milena down and is covering, but Mercury pulls her off. This brings Booker in to deliver the whoop ass and he tosses Mercury out of the ring and single handedly deals with him and Nitro outside. In the ring, Sharmell has things wrapped up, but Jillian decides to trip her up and Sharmell busts her nose. Milena takes advantage with a cover. Booker tries to get back in for the save, but Mercury holds him back. 1-2-3 and MNM steal another one. Sharmell is distraught in the ring as Booker tries to comfort her and we are off to commercials.

Backstage, Sharmell is getting on Bookers case, wondering where the hell he was, and not letting him get a word in edgewise about his lack of preventing the pinfall because he was being held back by Mercury. She says that he’s not carrying his share of the load and she’s getting tired of it. Booker rolls his eyes and I agree with him. Could this be the start of a new angle? Unreasonable psycho-bitch Sharmell? Stay tuned!

Elsewhere, Benoit is doing squats when Orlando wants a word. He does a little dancing, and says that he’s quick with his hands, quick with his feet, easy on the eyes, and easy on the seat? WTF does “easy on the seat” mean? Anyway, he does a couple schoolyard fakes at Benoit, and says he’ll knock Benoit out! Benoit just looks at him for a second then goes, “Waow!” as sarcastically as possible. He brushes off everything Orlando said and makes the simple proclamation that on Sunday, he’s going to make Jordan tap out! He walks away, leaving Orlando dumbfounded.

Yet elsewhere, Heidenreich is psyching himself up when Animal comes in. He asks him if he’s ready, tells him it’s Gut Check time, and after reiterating that Heidenreich has what Hawk had (Heart!) he says it’s time to take the final step to being a member of the LOD. He walks offstage and presents Heidenreich with a set of spiky pads of his own. Heidenreich is stoked and they head out for their squash of the night.

Back from commercials, and it’s time for Boobies McTitsalot to come out and earn her money for the night. No, not like that, you perverts. No, someone had the bright idea to let her have the mic and do the ring entrance.

“Ooooaahhhhhh! What a rush!” The New Legion of Doom is out to take on Jobber #1 and Jobber #2. Oh my god, that was a horrible announcing job. She sounded flatter and even more mangled than Randy Orton! Just get her naked, pose her in Playboy, then release her, because that’s all this bimbo is good for, Vince. Oh yeah, the match: Heidenreich starts with #1 and he is the permanent Jobber in peril, as all #2’s contribution to the match is to take a clothesline that knocks him off the apron. Doomsday device, and that’s all she wrote.

Backstage, Funaki (SMACKDOWN’S #1 ANNOUNCER!) has John “Bradshaw” Layfield for an interview. Before we get to the hard-hitting questions, we are sent to footage of J”B”L’s dastardly deeds from last week. Back, and J”B”L calls Funaki “San” and says that last week was a welcome to the world of Smackdown. He says that Batista is a million dollar body on a 5-cent frame, and his biggest mistake was letting J”B”L name the stipulations, and he gauran-damn-tees that on Sunday the world title is going home with him. And to demonstrate to Batista just how brutal a no holds barred match is, J”B”L will be having one tonight with the opponent of his choice. Funaki asks who it is, and J”B”L ponders that maybe it should be someone huge, like Gojira. Maybe someone who’s about 5’ 8” and weighs 215 lbs. Maybe it should be someone from the land of the rising sun and calls himself Smackdown’s number 1 announcer. That’s right, J”B”L’s opponent is Funaki, and their match is next! Now, this could go one of two ways: J”B”L underestimates Funaki and realizes too late the can of whoopass that is opened when he gave Funaki permission to do what he wants in a match. OR! J”B”L will squash Funaki in about 90 seconds, then beat on him for another 30 just to be a dick (Batista run-in optional.) My money is currently on the latter.

Back from commercials, and after we watch J”B”L and OJ get into the limo, we shoot to Steve Romero and he’s interviewing Randy Orton. Randy takes 60 seconds to say, “Beating Undertaker is my destiny.”

Out to the ring, and John “Bradshaw” Layfield (W/ Orlando Jordan) is out to take on Funaki (already in the ring.)

J”B”L starts out as you’d expect, just beating Funaki down with chops and elbows and boots to the head (Yaa! Yaa!) After a fallaway slam, Funaki is dragged outside, J”B”L takes the belt off the timekeeper, and starts whipping him with it. He bores of this, and then moves to choke Funaki out with a cable. He follows this up with a clothesline and elbow drop on the floor. After ramming him into the ringsteps, he taunts him and grabs a chair. Funaki in the ring and he gets pasted with the chair. The crowd halfheartedly tries a Funaki chant, but they perk up when Batista jumps in the ring and gives J”B”L a spinebuster and chair shot of his own. J”B”L hightails it out. Batista has a mic and tells J”B”L to run, just like he always does, because at Summerslam, Batista and his “Million dollar body on a 5 cent frame” is going to kick J”B”L’s ass. J”B”L registers fear, and we are off to commercials.

Back, and Rey Mysterio is out for a match with Simon Dean. Shit, he has a microphone. He says Rey looks pathetic, and that he can help. He offers Rey a 1-time discount on the family pack of the Simon system, then cracks on Rey's shrinking family and says that he’s offering it half off. Rey starts with the whooping of the ass until Simon reverses a body scissors into a face first stun gun on the turnbuckle. Simon pounds on Rey for a bit, but Rey ducks a clothesline and hits a springboard cross body. Rey with the dropkicks and looks to finish things off. Simon gets a shot to the gut, but Rey reverses a bodyslam attempt into a drop toehold into the ropes. One 6-1-9 and Dime dropping later, and Rey is your winner.

Raw Rebound: HBK pissed off Montreal.

Up next, there is a mystery guest on The Peep Show.

It’s time for The Peep Show, and Christian is getting a great reaction from the crowd. Tazz calls Canada Bizarro land! Who knew Tazz read The Rick! Christian says that when they love you, they really love you and gets a thunderous pop. He says that he’s glad to be here in T-Nut and says that if people thought last weeks Peep Show was good, then this weeks is gonna blow your mind! You see, because this week, he’s going to interview the biggest star on Smackdown, the man that just last week, beat the World Champion Batista down one on one. That’s right, his interview this week is with none other than himself, Captain Charisma! The Mexicools interrupt his rambling, and Christian is none too pleased. He gets in Juventude’s face and calls him Speedy Gonzalez. The Mexicools start fucking with the Peep Show set, and Super Crazy knifes the inflatable chair. Psychosis goes and starts spray painting the low chairs in the back and Christian pulls him off and looks to kick some ass, but Juvi jumps him from behind and the 3 on one beat down commences. Christian tries to fight back valiantly, but the Mexicools are too much for him. Super Crazy hits his moonsault, Psychosis with the leg drop, and Juvi puts the final touch on things with an elbow drop. They remind us that they are not Mexicans, they are Mexicools, disrespect the Peep Show set a bit more and smash the 8 X 10 of Christian. I guess this means that Christian has just turned face, then? Maybe he’ll start winning a few.

Heh, there’s a signing at the sports shop in the local mall the Tuesday after Summerslam and the announcer calls John Cena the current Smackdown champion. A little behind the times on their promo work, there.

Back, and Josh Mathews has Rey and asks him if while he was beating Simon Dean down, if Rey was really seeing Eddie. Rey says no, he wasn’t seeing him, but he feels him wherever he goes. He hates Eddie for everything he’s done, and after Summerslam, Eddie may be his biological, but Dominic will be going home with his REAL father.

Tazz and Cole run down the Summerslam card.

Back, and it’s time for Randy “Sack of Duh” Orton to take on Chris “Sack of Awesome” Benoit. Tazz and Cole go nuts over the whole, “This is a rematch” angle. Unfortunately, this is a rematch that means nothing.

We break for commercials, and Benoit and Orton are fighting over a wristlock. Benoit breaks with an arm drag and they mat wrestle for a bit. Orton ends up on top with a headlock, but Benoit powers out of it and turns it into an armbar. They chain wrestle around and Benoit goes for the sharpshooter, but Orton gets away and goes for the headlock again. Benoit powers up, but gets knocked over by a shoulderblock. He comes back with a pair of arm drags and they lock up on the mat. Orton fights up this time and forces Benoit to the ropes, on the break, Orton gets a kick and goes for a headlock again. Benoit says enough of this and back suplexes Orton. Into the corner, and Benoit with the chops. Orton gets the Greco Roman Eyepoke, and they brawl from corner to corner. Benoit gets the better of this exchange, off the ropes, ducks a clothesline, and goes for the sharpshooter again. He almost gets Orton over, but Orton pulls the tights to pull Benoit down. Orton goes for the cover, but only gets one. Benoit immediately goes for the Sharpshooter again, but Orton is able to make the ropes. He pulls himself out of the ring and as he clutches his back, we go to commercials.

Back, and over the commercial break, Orton has regained control. But that doesn’t last and Benoit finally locks in the sharpshooter and gets Orton turned. Orton makes the ropes so Benoit has to break. Orton up in the corner and dodges a Benoit charge. Benoit goes into the post, and Orton takes over with basic beatdown offense. Orton gets a DDT, brawls Benoit down, then tries a gutwrench suplex, but can't keep Benoit in the air. So he decides to just put him down and do another DDT. Benoit is able to fight back and wears Orton down with your basic pummeling offense, but looks awesome doing it. After a 2½ count, Benoit hits the Hat Trick Germans, and then nails the diving headbutt. Orlando Jordan decides to pick this time to make the crucial distraction, and as Benoit has his back turned, he turns, and Randy hits the RKO. 1-2-3, and Orton wins. As Orton celebrates…

“Bong!” The lights go down, and when they come up, Undertaker is standing behind Randy. Randy tries to get the first shot in, but ‘Taker locks in the goozle before he can get a shot off. Orton picked up, and ‘Taker folds him in half with the chokeslam. ‘Taker does the eye rolling thing, and then takes his leave. But wait, what’s this, Randy is stirring and he’s… smiling? Tazz and Cole sell it like Orton is trying to get into ‘Takers head, but ‘Taker just keeps an expression of, “Ok, you wanna be crazy, boy? I’ll beat the crazy out of you on Sunday.” We get a close-up of Randy’s face grinning maniacally, fade out, WWE logo, and we are outta here.

Well, that was as decent a setup for Summerslam as we could have hoped for. Smackdown addressed all their matches on the card, and strangely enough, Eddie vs. Rey didn’t get pushed down our throats, just one really good promo from Eddie, a nice intense interview from Rey, and Smackdown moved on. Also, they gave us some good fodder for the future. Christian and the “Coalition” he is bound to form vs. the Mexicools should be a pretty kick ass feud, especially if they run it to Survivor Series and do a matchup with Mexicools W/ Steven Regal vs. The Christian coalition. That is, if they surround Christian with wrestlers of his caliber. I don’t know how to feel about the new LOD Heidenreich, but we’ll see if the fans grow to accept him over time.

Well folks, normally I’d say that I’ll see you at Hooters at this point, but my totally awesome friend Danny V of 2wconline.com, home of such webcomic awesomeness as Draconia and Tales from New Winter decided to be one of the greatest friends in the world and we now have tickets to see Summerslam LIVE at the MCI center. Well, depending on how Summerslam turns out, we’ll see if the ticket he got me was a true gift or means of torture. So if you are reading this and you are actually attending the event, stop by Section 432, row C, and look for the big blond guy wearing the Neko World Order (think the old nWo logo, only with Cat-Girls) T-Shirt and say hey. I would appreciate it.

Anyway, considering the downward trend that WWE has been showing, this was a pretty good show to end up my run as Smackdown recapper. Thanks again to Rick, thank you to my friends who have supported me and encouraged me to keep going on this even when I felt like quitting, and thank you to all you readers out there, because without you, I’m just another fanboy.

See ya… around!