Taped from Orlando, FL
Opening Theme/Pyro

Holy crap; since when has Smackdown! had this shitty new theme? The songs sucks, and the video package looks like something a couple of high-schoolers would throw together in an AV class. I miss Marilyn Manson, and even that rap song they had while Brock and Angle were running the show here. Tazz and Cole inform us that Batista will be in action tonight, Chris Benoit will have another U.S. Title rematch with Orlando Jordan, and Randy Orton (shudder) will face Rey Mysterio. But first tonight, we have...

Heidenreich (w/ Animal) v. Joey Mercury (w/ Melina and Nitro)

And what a fun welcome for my first Smackdown! recap. This is the first time I've seen Heidenreich in the face paint and shoulder pads, and my heart sank just as I predicted it would. The crowd chants "LOD!" and it's all kinds of wrong.

Mercury attacks to start, but gets his ass kicked as a result. He bails, but Heidenreich follows with a clothesline on the floor. Mercury goes back in and hot-shots Heidenreich (I'm getting sick of typing that. He is henceforth dubbed "Nazi Boy"), distracting the ref and and allowing Nitro to attack. Back in, Nazi Boy takes a chinbreaker and a dropkick, and a knee to the sternum. Kicky-kicky, then we go to the chinlock. Why the crowd is into this, I do not know.

Screw this. Here's what I'd rather see: Nazi Boy armdrags out of the chinlock and the two chain-wrestle for a minute with good back-and-forth action. Nazi Boy hits a Northern Lights suplex for two, then goes up and hits the Shooting Star Press for the pin. The crowd goes nuts for the big man's display of mat prowess and high-flying ability, but they really explode when Hawk is resurrected from the dead, comes down the aisle, and kicks Nazi Boy's ass for disrespecting his memory. In all seriousness, did Nazi Boy really have to steal the De-railer as his finisher? You know you're crap when you're stealing from A-train.

Winner: Heidenreich

Post-match, MNM attacks, but Animal gets involved. Melina tries to attack (with her shoe, no less) and almost eats a Doomsday Device, but Nitro and Mercury make the save. Animal eats ringsteps, and Nazi Boy eats the snapshot.

Backstage: A guy who I can only assume is the Toolish Network Patsy (he's wearing a pink shirt, so I hate him already) is watching this on a monitor with some blonde chick who AUUUGHHHH! What the hell is that thing on her face? God, it's like the school nurse from South Park. I immediately know that this a dumb gimmick because a) a girl with fake boobs, bleached hair, and that much makeup on would have no problems plunking down the cash to get that removed, and b) this is WWE. I don't know her name, but I'm calling her "AUUGHHHH!"

They talk about MNM, and AUUGHHHH! seems to be on their side, for some reason. Is she their publicist or manager, or what? Network Tool stares at her deformity but covers it up badly by complimenting her earrings. AUUGHHHH! leaves and Stacy and Christy make their way in. Network Tool apologizes for breaking up their lingerie match last week, but says that Standards and Practices (which would make a good band name, I think) wouldn't have gone for it. So he puts them in a regular, fully-clothed match tonight to make up for it.

Hold it. Network Tool has the power to make matches now? Shit, if that's the case, I need to get a job with UPN. I'd have this show whipped into shape in to time.

[ads]

Last Week: Randy Orton beat Hardcore Holly, with a little help from from his father.

Cowboy Bob Orton and His Son, Orton II: The Revenge!

Cowboy Bob is already in the ring, and introduces his son, shitty entrance music and all. His dad, of course, bops around to the song. The Hurricane Katrina relief graphic at the bottom of the screen is more interesting to me, and good for WWE for putting that there.

Orton takes the mic and says that his father would tell him how great he would be when he was a little kid. He calls his dad a genius for essentially dubbing him the Legend Killer when he was still in diapers. He asks if anybody in the arena has seen the Undertaker, and manages to work in a shill for Taker's new DVD, a signed (by Orton and Orton II) copy of which is up for auction on wwe.com. And because he's a nice guy -- "My father raised me very quite well" -- he'll match every dollar himself, and bring the money to the ring next week to give to Taker for his retirement fund. If Taker will show up, that is.

Sweet Christ, this is boring. He turns his attention to Rey Mysterio. He calls Rey a bad father and RKO and shitty music and yadda yadda yadda.

Up Next: Chris Benoit v. Orlando Jordan.

[ads]

Backstage: Hey, there's Benoit! Nice to see you again, dude. I've missed you. Josh Matthews is there for the interview, and asks how Benoit thinks he'll do after that stunning 25.5 second victory at Summerslam. Benoit, funnier than I've ever seen him -- which admittedly, I've never really seen the guy do comedy, but he's very funny here -- talks about his victory over the coffee cup last week, and wondered what he could do this time around to top that. Since they're in a bathroom, he's figured it out. He hands Josh a stopwatch and walks around a corner to do his business, while we get a split screen showing the Summerslam match. The best part? Benoit is whistling the whole time, in a fabulous touch. "How we doing, Josh?" he calls from the back. "Eight seconds!" *fluuusshhhhhh*

Benoit is back, hands washed and all, in 23.4 seconds. "I win again! Not to mention that I feel much better." Hee. "Reset that clock, Josh, 'cause I'm about to go out and beat Orlando Jordan again." Man, that ruled. Personality, baby! I love it.

Chris Benoit v. Orlando Jordan (U.S. Title Match)

Jordan, predictably, is looking miserable. I should mention that his alma mater is Boise State, who will be facing my Georgia Bulldogs in their season opener this Saturday. Benoit now lives in Georgia. Should I continue the metaphor?

Jordan attacks right away, but Benoit slaps on the crossface and wins in 23.4 seconds. HA! I guess I didn't need to continue the metaphor, seeing as Benoit did it for me. See you at the game, bitches. I'll be there. GO DAWGS!

Winner: Chris "The Rabid Bulldog" Benoit (via submission)

Later Tonight: Batista will be in action. But next, Christy and Stacy will go at it in Hell in the Cell. Should be a good one.

[ads, including one for the new season of Veronica Mars. People, I'm not kidding when I say that it's the best show on television next to Deadwood (hell, the girl who plays Veronica was in a few episodes of the first season. She met a pretty brutal end, thanks to Cy and Joanie.) Watch it, because it's too good to get canceled.]

Christy Hemme v. Stacy Keibler

Question: is what Christy and Stacy are wearing really all that different from lingerie? "Fully clothed," my ass. They barely get in a lockup and a gratuitous cartwheel before Sylvan Grenier interrupts. He's got a new look, but is still overwhelmingly French, as evidenced by his techno entrance music.

He tries to cut a promo, basically insulting the girls for calling themselves divas and playing the "I'm too sexy for this gimmick" card, but Hardcore Holly interrupts. Um. Yay? The crowd actually chants his name. Holly is all, "Who gives a shit about you? Go home. There's hot chicks in the ring," and Sylvan is like, "Bobby," and Holly is all, "Bitch, please," and slaps his ass out of the ring.

Winner: No match

Oooookay.

Later Tonight: Rey Mysterio v. Randy Orton.

[ads]

Backstage: Teddy Long is acting all buddy-buddy with Network Tool, saying that he's made some great matches for next week's first Friday episode. Again: the fuck? Since when does a network guy get to make matches, and why isn't Teddy pissed about it? Anyway, he's made Batista v. JBL for the World Title, and LOD 2.0 v. MNM for the tag titles. Oh, and Batista v. JBL will be a bullrope match, per JBL's suggestion. And he gave him the night off. Teddy isn't feeling too hot about that, but only nicely asks that he be consulted on that kind of thing in the future. He then makes a match of his own: Rey Mysterio v. Eddie Guerrero in a cage match. Good lord, will this never end? I shouldn't be tired of seeing two guys as good as they are wrestling each other.

Booker T (w/ Sharmell) v. Ken Kennedy

Christian comes to ringside first, and I suspect that the majority of his entrance was cut out because the crowd was cheering too much. Heh. He has a broken nose, and joins Tazz and Cole on commentary.

Booker gets a HUGE ovation, which is nice to see. I'm digging Sharmell's outfit, a one-piece halter catsuit. Take note, divas: that's how you do sexy-but-not-slutty. They show footage from last week's tag match, and Booker and Christian stare each other down.

Who is this Ken Kennedy douche, anyway? He takes the mic and berates the announcer, and just announces himself instead. Okay, I take it back. He's not too bad, announcing-wise, and I actually suspect that the guy might be able to sing some opera. No, I'm not kidding. Booker just looks at him like he's nuts and attacks, going all punchy-kicky-choppy on his ass. Superkick gets a two-count for Booker.

Kennedy misses a blind charge and takes a scarily-low back body drop for two. The momentum shifts with a pretty nifty-looking spinkick on Booker for two. Punchy-kicky again, and Booker fights back but takes an elbow to the gut. More punchy-kicky, and this match is kind of plodding, though Kennedy does have some potential. Booker slugs away and hits a cross-body for two. Kennedy hits a neckbreaker for two. Booker fires up and hits a spinebuster. This match is so weirdly-paced that I really don't know how to recap it. Spinaroonie and side kick, and Booker goes up while Sharmell decides to go to the announcer's booth and chew Christian out for acting like a bitch last week.

Booker gets distracted by this just long enough for Kennedy to catch him up top and hit his finisher; I don't know what it's called, but it looks pretty badass to me. Kennedy will break his neck doing that one of these days, however.

Winner: Ken Kennedy

Post-match, Kennedy announces himself as the winner. Wow, his music is pretty stupid. Very 80s hair metal, but not in a good way. Booker and Sharmell argue in the middle of the ring while she helps him up.

Later tonight: Rey Mysterio v. Randy Orton. We get it, WWE. Now shut up about it.

[ads]

Simon Dean v. Batista

Is this really the best way to build up your champion? Simon Dean comes down to the ring on a fucking scooter, by the way. I remember when he first debuted, I called him a future Heat headliner. Why doesn't WWE ever listen to me? He takes the mic and shills his Simon System, saying that he has undeniable proof that it works: Batista uses the product. Uh-huh.

The World Champ takes this moment to interrupt, and two chicks in the audience have a sign that says, "Batista, the sexy animal!" Sigh. Seriously, ladies. He's an attractive guy, but enough with that. You don't see me in the front row with "Y2J is HOT~!" signs, do you? At least Batista has a quality that gets the guys liking him, too, unlike certain Sons of Orton I know.

Batista the Wise takes the mic and says that, for the life of him, he doesn't ever remember using Simon's products. But don't get him wrong, he's into fitness and health, and would like to try the product. Simon hands him a can of something (energy drink? Protein shake? I don't know), and Batista takes a sip. He makes a "Not bad" face and finishes the whole thing off, flexing his pecs at regular intervals. "Whoa... I feel bigger!" Pec flex. Chug. "I feel stronger!" He puts his arm around Dean. "And Simon?" "Yes, Dave?" Deadpan: "I feel more aggressive." Heh. Cute.

He kills Simon dead, but suddenly leans over as if he's exhausted. He staggers over to Simon's bag and takes another can out of it, chugging. Magically, he is revitalized enough to continue, and punctuates it with an Ultimate Warrior-style shake of the top rope. Thumbs up, thumbs down, and Simon is roadkill after a Batista Bomb. Batista grabs another can of Simon's energy drink and poses with it Vanna White-style, placing a foot on Simon's chest for the pin. Hee. That's the Dave I know and love. Not much to the match, but very funny stuff.

Winner: Batista

Hey, remember when Deacon Batista and Chris Benoit were black holes of charisma on Thursday nights? Yeah, me neither.

Up Next: Hey, did you hear that Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio will be wrestling each other tonight?

[ads]

Smack of the Night: Last week, some random dude helped William Regal kick the crap out of Scotty 2 Hotty on Velocity.

William Regal & Paul Burchill v. Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki

Paul Burchill looks almost exactly like a slightly larger, younger, British Chris Benoit. Funaki and Scotty attack right away and send the heels flying, and Regal eats a baseball slide. Back in, Funaki works Regal's arm, but he gets the tag. Burchill takes an armdrag and monkey flip, but ducks a blind charge and stomps away. Regal in, and he tosses Funaki around and tags in Burchill. Snapmare and kneedrop on Funaki for two. Forearm gets two, and I must admit, he looks pretty sharp in the ring.

Regal in with a facelock, but Funaki armdrags out and makes the lukewarm tag to Scotty. Burchill in. Scotty fires up and pulls Regal in, who gets double-teamed for his troubles. Burchill interjects, however, and hits a nice-looking inverted shoulder-breaker on Scotty. He cinches in an armbar (sounds lame, but it looks good, and hey! Psychology! How nice to see you again), and Scotty almost immediately taps. I think I like this Burchill guy.

Winners: Regal & Burchill (via submission)

Up Next: For fuck's sake, we know already! Orton and Mysterio.

[ads]

Next week: Yet another rundown of next week's show. I'm not typing it all out again. One addition: another rematch between Benoit and Jordan. Who would have thought I'd be looking forward to something like that? The comedic adventures of Chris Benoit shall continue!

Eddie Guerrero's Inappropriate Close-Up Theatre

They're going for a creepy vibe with this Eddie promo, what with the dark lighting and being shot from behind a chain-link fence. They shoulda gone all-out and used a fog machine and shot this in a crypt. Eddie yells at an imaginary Rey who isn't there and says he hopes that he's happy. He brings up Summerslam and his wife's actions there. "When she pushed that ladder, I realized something. She wasn't just pushing the ladder to save your family.... 'cause when I looked into her eyes, holmes, I realized that you had gained your family, and I had lost mine." He lost his kids and his wife: everything. And he doesn't blame Rey for it; he blames himself for never beating Rey in any of their matches, and it never happened because he was toying with him.

But he's not going to make that mistake again. The camera gets all zoomy and close-up and weird here (ACK! Eddie's nose hair!), and Eddie puts his face on the cage and asks Rey one question: Cake or death? Okay, not really, but that would have been awesome. He asks how Rey can beat someone who's already lost everything. Good work by Eddie here, but again, the underlying storyline is so fricking stupid that it's hard to take it seriously.

Randy Orton (w/ Cowboy Bob) v. Rey Mysterio

Orton makes his entrance with his dad. Since we all need a break after that thrilling moment, it's time for some...

[ads]

Rey is wearing a backwards baseball hat over his mask, in the dumbest fashion statement of the night. He redeems himself by giving the hat to someone in the audience; very Bret Hart of him.

Orton starts out making fun of Rey's height (hahaha! Hahaha... except not.) He tosses Rey out and punches him off the apron. Back in, he knocks Rey down with a forearm that completely misses. Oy. Couldn't they have edited that a bit? Rey fights back with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors, and he chases Rey around the ring but gets punked out with a 619, flying between the ropes. Mysterio mocks Orton's pose. Hee. Back in, baseball slide on Orton. Rey with punches in the corner, with the crowd helpfully counting along. Orton fights back, and Rey does that painful-looking stomach-first slide to the floor. And because we haven't had enough of them tonight...

[ads]

We're back, and Orton is working -- what else? -- the chinlock. Though it does look more impressive on someone as small as Rey. Randy's been working the neck during the break. Orton turns it into a choke, which the ref breaks up. He pulls the kneepad down and drops a knee to Rey's face. He taunts Rey and slaps him about the head, which is never smart.

Rey fights back, kicking and punching Randy, going after the hamstring and knee especially. Randy gets up, though, and stomps away. Atomic drop and choking in the corner. European uppercut gets two. Aaaaaaand back to the chinlock. Rey fights out, but gets dropped. This is the slowest Rey Mysterio match I've ever seen, and it ain't Rey's fault. Cole even steals from J.R. and calls it "methodical." Delayed vertical suplex is countered into a small package, which gets two for Rey. He fights back and hits the springboard bulldog, and both men are out. Rey crawls over and gets a long two-count.

Both men struggle up, and Rey gets caught with a dropkick for a hat-trick of three counts. You know, Rey usually has exciting matches, but that only happens when he's allowed to get in some offense. I understand he needs to play the face-in-peril and he does it very well, but it's only as good as the offense of his opponent. Randy really should have taken the opportunity to bust out some creative stuff here, because hell, even I could throw Rey around like a ragdoll if I wanted to. Randy goes up but eats boot on the way down. Drop toe hold, and the crowd goes nuts waiting for the 619, but Randy gets up too quickly.

Rey hits a springboard cross body, and Randy jumps in the air before contact, which I will admit is a cool way to make that move look good. That gets two. Uppercut by Orton gets two. Rey hits a springboard senton for two, and the match is really picking up here. Rolling neckbreaker by Rey gets two. Randy hangs up Rey on the second turnbuckle, but Rey fights out. Punchy-kicky turns into a hurricanrana attempt out of the corner by Rey. He has to fight for it, but eventually gets it and hangs Orton on the second rope. 619 connects. Rey tries to drop the dime, but Cowboy Bob interrupts. Rey tries again, but is caught nuts-first by Randy in midair while the ref's back is turned. Orton sets Rey on the top rope and hits a running RKO off it for the pin. Started out kinda slow, but really picked up at the end. Interesting and effective way to use the RKO creatively. That's what I wanted from Orton earlier.

Winner: Randy Orton

Randy and his father celebrate in the middle of the ring to close out the show.