With that being said, my name is Hosehead, and I’ll be your Tour Guide this evening. If you look to the south of the page, you’ll see a sweet Smackdown! Recap for your perusal. So please, go grab a fruit roll up and enjoy.

Opening Pyro, and we’re live (taped) from the campus of Texas Tech University. You know with Bob Knight’s ability to wield a chair….Probably not gonna happen, but a young man can dream.

I defy anyone out there to name 4 different matches Christian has had since being drafted to Smackdown that somehow hasn’t involved Booker T. Anyway, let’s get on with the match. A little bit of that “ring psychology” to start things off. Booker starts things off on the offensive and after a few chops and some clotheslines, Christian powders out. Booker, being the dimwitted guy that he is follows Christian out, and gets a boot to the side of his head. So now Christian will take ov….No wait, Booker is on him again. Book is giving him some of those middle rope punches while the crowd counts. You know the ones? Well as it turns out, Christian also knew of them and countered with a power bomb. To channel my best Vince McMahon “1, 2, did he get him??” No…no he didn’t. At this point I would like to announce my distain for Miss Sharmell. This cheerleading thing isn’t doing you any favors either honey. Cole just did a little riff on Bob Knight. You son of a bitch, that’s my material tonight thank you very much. So Christian drags Booker down by the hair and then proceeds to show everyone that he did so by plucking the hair from his fingers. Oh Christian, you crazy Canuck. Christian tries a pinfall with his feet on the ropes, but Sharmell alerted the referee of what was going on. Booker once again takes control with some punches/kicks/chops, which has become a Booker T staple of late. This disappoints me because he was a technical masterpiece in WCW. Christian, for reasons inexplicable to everyone tries to take the turnbuckle pad off, but again, Sharmell alerts the referee. While Nick Patrick is tying the turnbuckle pad, instead of doing his job, Booker T hits the Rock Bottom Book-End, but it’s only good for another 2 count. Booker does the spinarooni, which as we all should know by now is a sure sign that he’s not winning the match. Much like when Kane does his ringpost pyro before the match, it’s never a good sign. Turns out, this wasn’t really the case here, because after a failed Unprettier, Sharmell grabbed the leg of Christian, allowing Booker to roll him up. So let’s get this straight. Sharmell, on 2 separate occasions warned Nick Patrick about Christian’s cheating, only to cheat, allowing Booker T to win. Oh, the irony is delicious my friends.

Backstage: Eddie, wearing his “Who’s your Papi” shirt, reminding everyone of that whole “thing” with Dominick Mysterio. Let’s say it together now: UGH!! Anyway, he’s backstage, and he must have had some bad fish, or he’s giving birth because he is having some wicked bad stomach pains. Teddy and “Network guy” are telling him to breathe, and asking for warm towels or something. Either way, it’s bad. Eddie has a tag match with Batista as his partner tonight and he can’t let him down. Oh Eduardo…you sneaky bastard. Claiming to be sick while your partner, who is also your opponent at No Mercy has to go it alone. You’re a dick Eddie Guerrero. At this point, he runs to the bathroom and there are some sound effects to symbolize vomiting, but methinks someone hit the wrong button, because it definitely sounded like the “diarrhea” button was hit by accident. For anyone interested, I think it was a boy.

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And we’re BACK!!! Jillian is in the ring, and although I do have a little rant about this growth on her face gimmick. Hopefully I can control myself long enough to get through this. She’s introduces JBL, who enters on a horse, complete with denim shirt and are those? Why yes they are, those are wranglers. JBL is so happy to be back in Texas. I may be on a desert island, but I already see promise in this JBL/Jillian combination. JBL instantly makes some jokes about her face, but ever so subtly, so as not to offend the otherwise pretty gal. “The very smart and beau intelligent, Jillian Hall” HA! Jillian seems to pick up something but then she shrugs it off because maybe she’s just being crazy. JBL’s purpose here: “I’m a Wrestling God and I live in New York now and I’m clearly better than you, but never forget, I was born here, so you people should love me” Somehow the people weren’t buying it, although I kind of enjoyed it, although I am a whore for cheap heat. JBL also does a little riffing on George W. and people who wear masks to avoid immigration. Then JBL hits the “Spit Take of the Week Award” when he says “You don’t se us (He and Jillian) wearing masks. I know I don’t need one” Yes, I actually did a spit take. Thanks JBL for staining my carpet. You son of a bitch, someone’s gonna have to clean that. Possibly even ME!!! I think the purpose of this was to get under the skin of Rey Mysterio, but he was nowhere to be seen. Interesting, I guess.

LOD ’05 are walking and Heindenrich look like one of those Insane Clown Posse douchebags.

L.O.D. ’05 vs. Jarret Steele and Anthony Colleti.

Colleti and Steele, World Tag Team Champions; Somehow I don’t seem to mind the sounds of that. Do I really need to recap this? Okay fine. Clothesline, Body Slam, Doomsday Device and it’s done. Remember the Killer Bees? Boy they were cool weren’t they? They had those black and yellow trunks that resembled a bee. Well they never held the tag titles, but somehow these two idiots get to waste our time week after week. Damn you Vince.

Backstage: Sylvan is getting some sort of massage thing, when *titter titter* Stacy and Christy are talking, presumably about how to solve world hunger and current socio-economic conditions in Africa. Sylvan has heard enough and berates them for their choice of clothing. He turns to leave when. “Hey Sylv-ian, you know you have those black boots, black kneepads, black trunks, but you’re missing something…A black eye” Yes folks, lock up your Tough Enough contestants, it’s Hardcore Holly, and he’s coming to a local Yuk-Yuks near you. Tip your waitress and try the veal. Shows are at 8:00, 8:15 and 8:35.

Cole and Tazz go out of their way to show modeling shots of Sylvan from when he was 12 years old. Surprisingly to me, he looks like a raging homosexual in all of them. Hardcore Holly is introduced as “The Alabama Slamma” A chill just ran up my spine. Sylvan attacks Holly before the bell, like a good heel should. Kick, kick, kick, pose, kick, and his offence is over. Holly chops Sylvan about 9 times, enough to draw blood from Sylvan’s chest. Jeez, did Sylvan try out for Tough Enough too? Sylvan hits a suplex, and a few more kicks for good measure. Holly does that standing dropkick thing. Remember when that was his gimmick, a guy with an awesome dropkick? A little more back and forth before Sylvan decided to interrupt Stacy and Christy’s meeting of the minds and when he turns around, WHAMMY, a punch to the kisser. Sylvan slinks away and is counted out, thus Hardcore Holly is your winner via countout. I think this is setting up the Pay Per View match nobody wants to see. This will be Smackdown’s version of Big Show/Snitsky if you will.

Backstage: Batista is lifting weights, and sweet sassy molassy, he is one veiny man this week. Teddy Long tells Dave that he might have to go it alone tonight, and he promised to do what he does best. I think that means he’ll churn the butter during his entrance and sweat like a motherfucker doing it.

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We’re back with a recap of last week where The Undertaker saw himself in the casket. I don’t know why that’s surprising. I mean this is the same guy who wrestled himself at Wrestlemania a few years back.

Cowboy Bob is in the ring, and there’s a casket in the ring with him. Hmm, I wonder…Cowboy Bob calls out Randall, who is on the Texas leg of his Legend Killer Tour. Big hug for daddy, where I’m sure Bob whispered “Keep the words under two syllables”. Randy obliges. Bob opens the casket, and if that’s a dummy this week, I’ll eat a dish towel right now. The Undertaker opens his eyes, and thank God he did, because I’m not in the mood to eat another dish towel. Randall just pretty much rambles here, talking about how he’s going to kill the Undertaker…again. Then it’s the climax, where young Randall leans over the casket and gets goozled. A zombie sit-up and a chokeslam toss over the casket later, and play that funky music. Randall and Cowboy Bob take their leave and cue the blue lighting.

Smackdown will be in Laredo, Austin, and Houston in the next 3 weeks. This is interesting to me, or not so much.

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Moments ago. SEE ABOVE FOR DETAILS.

MISTERRRRRRRR Kennedyyyyy…..Kennedyyyyy. You know, this guy has unlimited potential, and unless they turn him into the leader of a terror cell, I smell main event for this guy. Kennedy actually lets Chimel do the intro. Kennedy has the mic and he feels bad about what he’s done to Chimel over the past several weeks. Kennedy asks for a hug because he’s a man with a big heart. They embrace, and then Kennedy plays a friendly game of bagtag with Mr. Chimel. Just a friendly reminder, bagtag is NOT a fun game, and if you reach for your friend’s sac for ANY reason, you are no friend of mine. A mic has been lowered, a la boxing style. Kennedy weighs in at 244 this week…yeah he gained another pound. Oh, I can listen to this guy all night long. Rey Rey has new music it seems. I am not a fan. Of course I wasn’t a fan of the other one either, but this has extra stink. Oh, now I see why. Mysterio thinks he’s Shawn Michaels now and is singing his own theme. Did I hear correctly and it’s called Booyaka 619? Does anyone else now feel dumber?

Mysterio starts hot, with a hurricurana thingy and Kennedy rolls to the outside. Upon re-entry, Mysterio again takes control. Yeah, that was dirty, but this is my review, so what are you gonna do about it? Kennedy hits a nifty looking backbreaker and gets the nearfall. Kennedy hits another backbreaker, not unlike the one that Snitsky uses except you know…better. This is a hard match to keep up with. Mysterio is a quick little bugger. Rey hits the seated senton, but only gets a 2. Rey goes up top and here comes JBL on the horse again. Rey pauses on the top rope and you know what that means. Kennedy hit Rey with that rolling top rope samoan drop, or and I like to call it, a rolling top rope samoan drop. Looking for something original huh? I’m tired, so choke on it.

Oh Goody. It’s time for the Raw Rebound. If you watched Raw this is useless, and if you didn’t watch Raw, well it’s still useless.

Backstage: Long and Palmer Cannon are shilling the Raw thing in 2 weeks, which is always what the competition does. I’ve been wondering this for 2 years now. Are Raw and Smackdown competitors? I mean they shill each other’s shit like there’s no tomorrow, but then they run each other down at the same time. Maybe I’m just thinking too deeply.

Backstage 2: Booker T and his cheating whore of a wife are walking and talking. Let me clarify, Sharmell is a cheating whore because she cheated to help Booker T win, although I wouldn’t be surprised if this ends with her being the other kind of cheating whore. Booker just said “Fruit Booty”. You’re lucky you’re Stevie Ray’s brother or I’d get really pissed right now. Also, if Fruit Booty ends up on a T-Shirt, I’ll buy 7 of them. The moral of this segment is that Sharmell thinks “the man” is holding down Booker and he should “take” a shot at the US title. I smell some marital issues that are bubbling.

Backstage 3: Okay this is getting ri-goddamn-diculous. Go to the ring already. The trainer feels no pain in Eddie’s womb. I guess the contractions have eased. Eddie snaps, until a cute little nurse walks in. Aww, she’s going to massage him, and we cut to commercial. Rather abruptly, I may add.

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Simon Dean makes his way to the ring, on some sort of scooter, which makes little sense, considering he is a “Fitness Guru” and he can’t walk to the ring, but I digress. Simon shills the patented Simon System. He has an open challenge. And it’s been accepted by a young man named Bobby Lashley. Oh mother of God, this is a big man. He’s Very Ahmed Johnson-esque. Let’s see how he “rassles”. Simon takes a sip of the Simon System and, predictably it does nothing. Lashley is quite the speedster for a big man. He does a neat little spot where he grabs Simon, who is face down on the mat, by the neck and the buttocks and lifts him and slams him to the mat 10 times. Neat-o. Simon gets a little offence in, but it’s short lived. Lashley finished Dean pretty quickly with a Dominator, and gets a decent crowd reaction in the process. I have no real issues with this guy. Lashley seems to have tons more skill than that muscle bound idiot over on Raw.

Up Next: Orlando Jordan vs. Chris Benoit XIXV…if that’s a number.

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Chris Benoit vs. Orlando Jordan

A recap of their other matches, which I predict will last longer than this match, probably by double. Oh good, there’s a clock in the corner of the screen. That’s always a sign of a 5-star catch as catch can classic. Oh wow, 30 seconds already. Orlando celebrates like he just won the Superbowl, or to a lesser extent, a free Frogurt from Dairy Queen. But alas he tapped out to the crossface in a marathon-like 49.8 seconds. It’s cute and all, but enough is enough with this. Now just send Jordan back to doing matches for WWE.com and we’ll all move on. I’m hoping Benoit moves into a feud with Mr. Kennedy.

Backstage: Batista has filled in to massage for the nurse. Eddie’s reaction is priceless. Dave says Eddie is too sick to go out there, and he has a doctor to take care of him. The doctor then says in his best stereotypical gay voice “Hello Mister Guerrero”. Eddie stares into the camera with a face which is eerily similar to the Spanish Talk Show host on SNL. I chuckled because as I said before, I’m a whore for cheap entertainment.

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Earlier tonight, Undertaker was in the casket and….well you know what happened. They announce a Handicap Casket Match for No Mercy.

Here comes MNM. You know, Melina is a sultry young lady isn’t she? I enjoy her antics, provided she doesn’t speak and deadpan her lines. Anyway, that’s enough of that. When did the Compaq Center become the Toyota Center? I mean I follow sports pretty closely and I missed that. No time to wonder about that because heeeeerrre’s Dave. As I predicted, churning the butter has left him sweaty. Dave poses with the title a little as MNM conjures a plan for success. And here comes Eddie, I think he’s about ready to calf. Eddie is holding his ass quite a bit and it makes one wonder about the segment with the doctor. Eddie is a sucker for continuity you know. Hey, there’s a match going on. First week on the job and I’m losing track.

Okay, Dave is tearing M(I) apart, until N comes in to kick Dave in the back. M(I) takes control and tags in N. They hit a double suplex and a cover…no chance. This is the same guy who kicked out of a pedigree. No fucking suplex will keep him down. Basic handicap match, with M(I) and N trying (unsuccessfully) to take down Dave while M(II) shrieks in terror. Dave channels his inner Ultimate Warrior, shakes the ropes and does his Batista Bomb on N, I believe. Eddie runs to the ring and blind tags himself in. Eddie hits a Frog Splash and picks up the win, because he’s a dick like that. Eddie runs outside and grabs the Heavyweight title, wraps it around the waist of Dave and they embrace to end the show.

That’s it for me this week. We’ve had some laughs tonight, but remember there’s nothing funny about vapor lock. I’m Joe Namath.