Opening Credit/Pyrotechnics and Smackdown is coming to you from Laredo, Texas. It’s just north of the Mexican Border and a neat little package shows us just how close it really is.

JBL hits the ring dragging a donkey and wearing a sombrero, poncho, inner tube, and pretty much anything else he could find that was offensive. He’s going into a rant about how Mexicans love to cross the border at night, wearing masks. It’s worth noting that JBL brought a Mexican Flag in the ring with him and is ever-so-subtly grinding his feet into it as he speaks, because as I said last week, JBL is nothing if he isn’t subtle. So JBL continues to run down Mexicans, and Rey Mysterio, until the crowd starts chanting “Fuego” I believe. I’m not sure what that means, but based on my rough understanding, it’s probably not “Hooray JBL we want to mother your children”. So the real purpose of this is to get cheap heat for his match with Rey Mysterio. If that is the case, Mission Accomplished. JBL then introduces his tag partner for the evening, Mr. Kennedy.

Mr. Kennedy starts talking to the donkey and calling it Tony Chimel. I love this Kennedy guy, but this was not one of his finest riffs. By the way, he weighs in at 244 ¼ pounds. Fatty

Rey and Holly make there entrances and we’re about to get this barnburner underway, let’s get to it right about NO…..

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We’re back from commercial and Rey is doing some sort of Mexican Jig. Kennedy and Rey start this one out and JBL instantly provokes Rey by tapping him in the head with an inner tube. There’s a double tag pretty early, leaving JBL and Hardcore Holly in the ring.

Michael Cole is doing everything in his power to leave the “R” off of “Alabama Slamma” and I’ve never been so close to writing Vince a letter. Not since the firing of Rodney Mack have I been so irked.Holly takes control of JBL with a series of chops and a suplex. Aww, it seems like Bob was watching some Chris Benoit tapes. How cute. Holly tags in Rey and JBL pokes him directly in the eye. Tag to Kennedy. Kennedy charges Rey, but is met with a drop toe hold and is in position for the 619. Rey hits the ropes and is pulled outside by JBL who begins choking him with the Mexican Flag. Kennedy tags in JBL, who gives Rey a vicious fall away slam, and then puts Rey in a bearhug. Mysterio bites his way out and makes a hot tag to Hardcore Holly. Holly sets JBL up for the Alabama SlammeR but Kennedy grabs JBL’s arms. Holly becomes pre-occupied with Kennedy on the floor and turns right into a clothesline from Hell. 1-2-3, and put this one in the record books. Your winners via Pinfall, JBL and Mr. Kennedy.

A Recap of Eddie/Batista from last week, where it’s worth noting, up here in Canada they edited out the “Sodomization of Eddie Guerrero”

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Backstage: Eddie is eating some Mexican food. He’s rattled off names of the food, and I only understood Taquito. Dave walks by and Eddie lets Dave know that he feels bad for letting the team down last week. Eddie promised that tonight they’re gonna win the tag team titles. Dave doesn’t think that Eddie should be eating all of these Mexican foods, due to the high levels of acid indigestion it leaves behind. Dave then takes the food. Eddie then sneaks a tortilla, but Dave re-enters the screen and takes that too.

WWE.com Exclusive: Melina is on the phone and a Harley Davidson comes roaring by. Melina enters bitch-mode over nearly being run over by the driver, who turns out to be Christy Hemme because she’s a Bikrrr Grrrl now. Melina tries to slap her but hits Christy’s helmet and breaks a nail. Now they’re gonna settle this in the ring, where it’s entirely possible that Melina will break many more nails. By the way, if this was a WWE.com exclusive, shouldn’t it have only been available on wwe.com, or am I over thinking things?

Melina makes her entrance, and boy she is really getting into this intro these days. He wrestling attire is interesting to say the least. I can’t begin to describe it because I have no fashion sense.

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Christy makes her entrance and let’s get it on. A lockup to start and Melina pushes Christy back into the ropes. Melina and Christy then are staring each other down and I swear for a second it looked like they were just gonna make out. My adolescent male was screaming for it, but instead Melina hit Christy in the mouth with a forearm. Standard women’s stuff here, hair tossing, kicks to the ovaries etc. Christy takes control, but almost instantly Mercury and Nitro interfere and Melina pick up the win. The winner via Pinfall, Melina.

After the Match: Christy attacks Melina, but M&N grab Christy and threaten to give her the snapshop. LOD enters to make the save.

Recap of Orton/Undertaker shenanigans from last week.

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Cowboy Bob has a microphone and he lets us all know that he’s a Hall of Famer and one tough SOB. Daddy then says he doesn’t need his baby boy to come out because he can do this all by himself.

After the Undertaker makes his 6 minute entrance, Bob opens up with a series of punches which, of course the Undertaker doesn’t feel. Taker punches Bob and tries an irish whip, which is reversed and leads to a ref bump. That didn’t take long. Taker goes to grab Bob, but the old man just falls to the ground in what was a very weird looking piece of wrestling. Bob low blows the Undertaker and calls down his son, Randall. Bob and Randy double team the Undertaker. Randy throws Taker to the floor and rams his head off the announce table. Bob tries a pin, but only gets a two count. Taker does the zombie sit up and hits Bob with a big boot. Randy tries an RKO, but to no avail. Bob gets the Tombstone, and this one is over. Your winner by Pinfall, The Undertaker.

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Am I wrong or isn’t there some hip hop mogul named Russell Simpson? Or is that Simmons? Either way, it’s not this guy. You may remember Russell Simpson from such squashes as “This one” The winner of this match via Pinfall, Bobby Lashley.

After the Match: Simon Dean rides his scooter to the ring and claims he wasn’t ready for their match last week. He offers “Bob” a patented and delicious Simon System juice box, and announces that they will have a rematch of their 2 minute classic at No Mercy, which you can watch for the low low price of $34.95. How the hell is this PPV caliber stuff? Lashley takes the juice box and squashes it in the ring, which is what we call in the business, “Foreshadowing”. Lashley then gorilla presses Dean to the floor.

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Or as you kids may know it, the Peep Show. Christian says that 2 weeks ago, he pinned Chris Benoit, therefore he deserves a US Title Match. Booker T makes his way to the ring, alongside Sharmell and that’s when disaster strikes. My satellite decided to go on the fritz, and only came back on about 15 minutes later. I did a little research though, and here’s what you missed. And by you, I mean “I”

Booker T and ultimately Orlando Jordan claim they were deserving of a US Title Shot. Teddy Long made a triple threat match between Christian/Booker/Jordan and would allow Chris Benoit to choose his opponent at No Mercy. Orlando won the match, by pinning Booker T, but Chris Benoit made a fatal fourway match at No Mercy.

Those are the basic points along the way. Sorry kids about being brief there, but technology, you know how it goes.

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Okay, I’m back in business and Vince is talking to Teddy and Network Guy backstage. Network Guy butters up Vince, who isn’t interested, but he is interested in the match that Teddy has planned for Raw’s Homecoming. Teddy says it involves JBL, Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, Chris Benoit, Christian and Batista, but he isn’t saying what the match is.

LOD enters first and I have a question about Heidenrich’s make-up. Why? Eddie enters, followed by Dave, and we are off for some

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Dave and Animal and locked up when we return. Test of strength, neither man gives. Eddie does a blind tag as does Heidenrich. Eddie gets on his knees and kisses Heidenrich’s boot. (Huh?) I think Eddie may have lost a bet backstage or something because this was really out of place. Eddie then lowblows Heidenrich to take control. Heidenrich and Animal make a series of quick tags in and out. Animal hits Eddie with a nice looking powerslam. LOD is going for the Doomsday Device, but Eddie counters with a Hurricurana on Animal, who in turn hits the turnbuckle causing Heidenrich to fall testicles first across the turnbuckle. Dave is tagged in. Spinebuster on Heidenrich. Spear to Animal. Ultimate Warrior type rope shake (More on him in a second). Batista Bomb on Heidenrich. I couldn’t help but notice that the camera angle was very odd, which leads me to believe that it wasn’t overly pretty. Animal breaks up the 3-count. M&N inexplicably run in with chairs. Nitro gets a spinebuster. Eddie tries to take out Mercury with a chair, but Mercury ducks and Eddie hits Dave. Eddie tosses the chair to Mercury and falls like he’s been shot. Dave turns to see Mercury holding the chair and gives him a spinebuster. Dave helps Eddie up to end the show. Your winners: I’m not quite sure

Before I go, I highly recommend you all watch the Ultimate Warrior DVD, if only to listen to the promos that idiot liked to cut. I guarantee a series of laugh, or your money back (Offer not valid)

That’s it for me folks. I’m outty 5000. You know where to send any questions/comments/concerns.