I could ramble on about how sweet it is to watch the New York Yankees take 

Opening Credits/Pyro

Tonight we are emanating from San Antonio, Texas (What a shock)

Young Randall and Daddy look like they are gonna start this show off with a thud, and all across North America, you can hear clickers changing to the baseball game. Myself included. The thing is that I was actually gripped by the baseball action, so I forgot Randy was even talking. I flipped back to see him yapping, so let’s pick it up there.

Randall is saying how he destroyed the legend of the Undertaker. Then he stumbles over some lines as he tries to insult the crowd, and I think he called them “Daddy”. Not as bad as when HHH calls everyone Jack (WWE bylaw 802a that states “you are getting the pedigree and HHH is going over clean no matter how nonsensical it may seem”.) Anywhoo, let’s get back to this again. Randy says that he should be the #1 contender and he wants a title match with Batista. Someone (Eddie Guerrero) doesn’t like this one iota, so he makes his way down to the ring.

Eddie says that he’s not finished with “BAUtista” yet and he deserves a rematch with his friend. Randy then hits his punchline of “Hey Eddie, why don’t you give me some advice on how to beat Batista and I’ll do the opposite.” Then if you look real close you can actually see Randy wondering if hey got that saying right, and yes young Randall, you did indeed. You get a prize…I won’t rip on you anymore this segment.

Batista has heard enough and makes his way to the ring, and since WWE bylaw 283k says “All champions are entitled to make matches whenever they want” Dave makes a #1 contender match between Eddie Guerrero and Randy Orton tonight. LUCKY!!!

I flipped back to the ballgame here, but I’m fairly certain they went to some ads. Let’s say they did anyway.

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The special stipulation here is that OJ will quit the business if he taps to the crossface he’ll quit the business. I’ve got a loaf of banana bread that says he loses, but not to the crossface. Thanks to his wording, this match was a dead giveaway, but since I have seen them wrestle each other every week for the last 8 weeks, I’ve grown tired of it and I refuse to recap it. How do you like *that* Vince? I’m putting my foot down. Instead I will list 3 opponents that Benoit could be feuding with right now that makes much more sense. First, let’s say Christian because the guy is a) talented and b) a legitimate US title contender. Next let’s say Rey Mysterio. Benoit vs. Mysterio has awesome written all over it, but that storyline isn’t awesome enough for these super awesome writers and finally, my choice, you guessed it. Mr. Kenneth K. Kennedy would be my pick because you could play Benoit up as being the guy who’s gonna shut this jackass up, and Kennedy has skills to pay the bills, so I think it would work wonderfully. Of course I’m just one guy here. Oh by the way: Your winner via submission (with the Sharpshooter) is Chris Benoit.

In case anyone is wondering, Jordan will be back again next week, because he didn’t tap out to the crossface. So next week he’ll probably tap out to the abdominal stretch and this will go on longer than it takes to recover from knee surgery. UGH!!!

Backstage: Teddy and Network Guy are chit chatting when that bitch Sharmell interrupts and wonders why her man isn’t getting a match against Benoit, but Orlando Jordan is. Teddy is all “You need to back yourself up” but Sharmell is all “Oh no you dit’n’t. My husband can make you disappear, and he can pull something from behind your ear and say things like ‘we have not met before have we”. That shameless Denis Leary quote is for all you crazy bastards who email me about how great Denis Leary is. And I agree wholeheartedly. The bottom line is that it’s Booker T vs. JBL vs. Rey Mysterio vs. Christian in a fatal fourway match and the winner gets a one on one match with Benoit next week, when Smackdown will probably be somewhere in Texas. Of course, Sharmell is a huge bitch, so this doesn’t please her, but does anyone really care if Sharmell is upset? Not I says this Hoser.

LOD ’05 avec Christy are on their way to the ring for an 8 man tag match. Oh aren’t I the lucky guy who gets to recap this gem?

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Goddamn that Melina is turning my crank these days. I’m not sure what it is but she’s a foxy lady. Am I wrong? Well, am I?

Mercury and Psicosis start things off. Mexicools chant as well. Who saw that coming 3 months ago? Not me. Mercury and Psicosis are distracted by Christy and Melina, who do their best “come hither” looks. Mercury takes control off of a clothesline. Mercury tags in Regal, who does a few punches and then tags in Nitro, who lands a few punches and tags in Birchill. Birchill hits a nice short arm clothesline and gets a 2 count. I enjoy this Birchill guy. He’s got a nice look to him. Birchill tags in Mercury. Mercury lands a body slam and gestures landing an elbow, but misses. Psicosis tags in Animal, who is a house of fire. Was this booked by Johnny Ace or what? LOD tries the Doomsday device, but Heidenrich is pulled off the top rope by Regal and Birchill, so Animal improvises and hits a back suplex and tags in Super Crazy who hits a moonsault for the 3 count. Your winners by pinfall: LOD 05 & the Mexicools.

After the match: The Mexicools are celebrating, but are attacked by a couple of muscleheads with super gay hairstyles. Not gay as in happy, gay as in very homosexual. The surfer guy then hits a top rope leg drop while the other surfer guy held him Super Crazy’s neck out. It looked cool enough. My sources tell me that they are “The Tolands” from OVW. That’s an interesting fact that I did not know. They remind me of someone, but I can’t put my finger on who it is. I’ll figure it out for next week.

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And we’re back with the Peep Show all set up in the ring. Apparently a tabloid has reported that Jennifer Aniston has her sights set on Stacy Keibler’s boyfriend. Oh my God….I don’t care. Since I don’t care, I’m going to make it so you don’t care either. Christian called Stacy a tramp, and I chuckled. Stacy is about to give an answer, but here comes Jillian Hall. Ooh, I still don’t care.

Jillian just wants to let Stacy know that she has a golden opportunity to use this scandal to further her career. Stacy is smarter than that though (?) Stacy wants to know what the thing on Jillian’s face is, but Jillian snaps and tries to attack, but gets slapped her own self. So here’s the basic idea. Stacy, a tall skinny hot blonde makes fun of a girl with a growth on her face, yet *Stacy* is the face? Oh, we’re not in Kansas anymore Toto…Or is it Todo…I’m not sure.

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Okay, I have a lot of trouble with the play by play of matches, so here’s fair warning. This is gonna be a train wreck. Speaking of which, let’s talk about Rey’s music again shall we? On second thought, let’s not…I may go into a 30 minute rant about why it may be the 2nd shittiest entrance theme ever. Rob Conway has #1 firmly locked down.

I just noticed something….Christian and Booker T are in the same match again. Seriously, this is getting old. Oh right, there’s a match to cover. Rey hits JBL with a seated senton on JBL, but only gets a two count. Christian then tried his hand at JBL, but gets hit with a last call. JBL then turns directly into a missile dropkick from Booker T. Christian dumps Booker over the top rope, who crashes into JBL, leaving Rey and Christian in the ring, to entertain us with their entertaining entertainment….or something. Rey hits Christian with a hurricurrana, but it’s broken up by JBL at the two count. The inflection in Michael Cole’s voice leads me to believe its commercial time. Lo and behold…it sure is

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We’re back and JBL has Rey up for a Last Call, but Rey turns it into a tilt a whirl DDT and all 4 men are down. Christian and JBL are up and Christian runs into a shoulder block, as does Rey. JBL is in control of all three men and keeps switching between beating the three. JBL signals for the Clothesline From Hell, but gets a Booker T boot to his head. Booker and Christian are getting it on, in the purest wrestling sense, and Booker gets a 2 count out of a sunset flip. Booker tries a scissors kick but misses and gets an inverted DDT from Christian. Christian tries the pinfall, but Rey “drops the dime” on Booker’s throat and also only get a 2 count thanks to Christian. These matches are hard to follow dammit. JBL hits Christian with a Clothesline From Hell. Rey rolls up JBL, but only gets a 2 count. Booker T hits a kick on JBL, sending him to the floor. Booker then charges Rey, but it hit with a drop toe hold, which sets Booker up perfectly for the 619. Rey is tripped by Sharmell because she is a bitch (Did I say that she’s a bitch, because she is) and Booker hits Rey with the scissors kick for the win. The winner by pinfall is Booker T.

After the match: Sharmell and Booker celebrate the win, while Rey Mysterio looks on from the ring with a look on his face that can best be described as “I just ate a bag of sour patch kids and they’re really sour” If you Americans don’t have Sour Patch Kids, you are seriously missing out.

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Backstage: Booker and Sharmell are still celebrating. Benoit shows up to give his congratulations, and casually mentions that Sharmell may have had something to do with the win. Sharmell gets all uppity and Booker feels obliged to stand by his woman and tells Benoit to take a hike.

FINALLY it’s time for Mr. Kennedy. Although I should type (Kennedy) after I type it the first time, that comedic avenue is having a traffic jam, and that’s not how I operate folks.

He’s in the ring and here comes the microphone. Let’s do a little transcription because I think he’s great and dammit, it’s my God given right to make sure you all do too.

Kennedy: “Ladies and gentlemen, this next contest is scheduled for one fall with a 20 minute time limit. I weigh in tonight at 245 pounds. I hail from Green Bay, Wisconsin”….Enter tagline here.

Kennedy doesn’t have an opponent tonight because everyone is too afraid to come out and face him. Kennedy has turned up the intensity this week, and I don’t like it one bit. This guy needs to be an obnoxious jackass for his gimmick to work, not an intense jackass. So he actually doesn’t have a match tonight and just came out to get some TV time. Huh? That’s gracious of Vince and Co. to give me the one thing I enjoy about Smackdown, even if it is filler.

Raw Rebound: Linda turned heel and fired Jim Ross and everywhere no one cared.

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One guy is in the midst of a huge push, the other just lost the cruiserweight title. I smell upset. Lashley is playing the “I’m super intense” game this week. Lashley hits a belly to belly overhead suplex and then press slams Nunzio to the floor and if I didn’t know better, I’d say Nunzio landed all kinds of wrong. Vito tried to interfere, but got a huge clothesline for his efforts. Lashley then rolled Nunzio back in the ring and hit an awesome looking backbreaker. Vito got on the apron, but Lashley simply grabbed Nunzio and threw him into Vito, who went crashing to the floor. Lashley then hit the Dominator for the win. The winner via pinfall, Bobby Lashley.

Remember a few weeks ago, when I said putting him in with jobbers did him no good? Well I think my point has been proven here. Nunzio may not be a main eventer, but he’s at least semi-established and Lashley mowed him down and looked very good doing it. This was as good as I have ever seen Lashley look and if Vince is reading this, first off, I’m a huge fan sir, and secondly, more of this with Lashley is the answer.

Backstage: Teddy and Network Guy are loving Bobby Lashley’s work. Speaking of loving things, Network Guy says that he’s brought in the Boogeyman. Now here’s the kicker. The Boogeyman was apparently a show that was going to run on UPN, but got cancelled, yet through some glitch in payroll he still receives a paycheck, so Network Guy figures it’s a great idea if he were to join Smackdown so the Network can get their money on this guy. I gotta be honest, I like it.

The Boogeyman enters the scene and he kinda looks like Darth Maul, but he’s got a neat little song for everyone. Sing along if you know it.

“1,2 Boogeyman’s looking for you/3,4 better lock your door (Insert heinous laugh)” Then he proves that he is actually related to Flava Flav by pulling out a giant clock. Let’s listen some more…No wait, I can’t understand him because he’s missing teeth. It ends with “9,10, never sleep again. I’m the Boogeyman and I’m coming to get you”

Okay let’s take a second to regroup ourselves and talk this through rationally. Here’s the $64,000 question. Where does this go from here? I mean in Vince’s eyes, this goes down the path of “Oh my God, this guy is deranged and he’s not safe to be around because he’s crazy” Now if I may, I’d like to suggest the following idea. How about the Boogeyman is a normal guy who actually *believes* that he’s the Boogeyman, but no one else is buying it. I mean they already said the guy is an actor, so here’s the scenario: RVD (who I realize is on Raw) is sitting around and enter the Boogeyman:

Boogeyman: RVD, I have come to feast on your soul and haunt your dreams.

RVD: Awesome, you watched Nightmare on Elm Street too? That was an awesome movie. Can you sing that song?

Boogeyman: I am the Boogeyman and I’m coming to get you.

RVD: Well, that’s good for you. Let me know how that works out for you. (RVD delivers a condescending pat on the shoulder and walks out)

Boogeyman (Now a shell of the man who entered): I AM the Boogeyman. (Insert crowd laughter)

Now I admit, it needs to be polished, but you get the idea. Instead of the Boogeyman being a horror, make him a comedic sidepiece. Of course, I’m willing to let this play out, until the feud with the Undertaker fizzles and they have nothing left for him, because you know that’s where this is headed.

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Lockup to start and Orton applies the ever-exciting side headlock. Eddie gets out and hits Orton with a standing dropkick. Orton pokes Eddie in the eye and hits a side suplex, but only gets a 2 count. Orton applies side headlock #2….minutes pass. Eddie gets to his feet and Eddie gets to the corner. Eddie gives a clean break, but follows it with an eye poke of his own. Eddie hits Orton with a couple of forearms to the face and then a suplex. Orton hits Eddie with a drop kick of his own, and we are out to pay some bills.

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We’re back and Orton has Eddie in side headlock #3. Eddie tries to get out with some elbows, but Orton hits that backbreaker using his own back thingy that he does so well and then applies side headlock #4. Allow me if you will to hit the FF button. Guerrero hits a side suplex to get out and both men are down. Eddie is up at 8, and charges Orton, who hits a drop toe hold, thus causing Eddie to crash throat first across the middle rope. Things get a little punchy-kicky for a bit until Orton tosses Eddie to the floor. Orton then proceeds to smash Eddie’s head off of the announce table a few times and then throws Eddie into the steps. Orton covers Eddie, but only gets a 2 count. Orton then applies a sleeper, but I’m calling it side headlock #5. Time for the FF button again. The referee drops Eddie’s hand, but it only falls twice. Eddie then “Guerrero’s up” and hits the 3 Amigos Suplexes. Eddie then climbs to the top rope, but Cowboy Bob shoves Eddie off, causing a disqualification. The winner by DQ, Eddie Guerrero.

After the Match: The Ortons beat on Eddie until Dave shows up to make the save. Dressed to wrestle I might add, despite not having a match and being dressed in a suit earlier. Teddy Long is out to announce a tag team match for next week. Eddie & Dave vs. The Orton Family.

All in all, a decent Smackdown. Much better than last week’s debacle. What I’m noticing about SD these days is their desire to have every superstar on the roster wrestle every week and it makes for some boring watered down programming. See: The 8 man tag match. There was no reason for that to take place, other than the writers needed to have the Mexicools on there and couldn’t find a better way to do it. Hopefully they’ll learn that less is more sometimes and we don’t need to see LOD every week because they are equally as fast-forwardable as the commercial breaks are. That’s it for me this week kids. Take care of yourselves and each other.