The OO SD! Recap situation is thus in a state of utter chaos and flux. I could probably beg and plead and prostrate myself and get Erin to watch the show and do some recaps to make up for lost time, but with my luck, her schedule for next semester probably somehow includes Saturday morning classes, just to spite my evil plans.
 

But in the meantime, we'll make do with some good old fashioned AMERICAN recappening. I figure I can muster up something readable

For today, I present you with the first of what will hopefully not be very many of my Half-Assed Saturday Afternoon SmackDown! Mini-caps. It's half-assed only partly because my instinct is still to make heavy use of FF when SD! sucks.... but mostly because I need to get this thing done quickly. Yet Another Dayton Flyers game tonight, and with the idiot newscasts proclaiming that tonight will bring Doom and Gloom in the form of (GASP!) 2-3 inches of snow, it's looking like any festivizing that'll be done will be BEFORE the game, instead of after, since apparently wuss tendencies increase with age. And although I must have gotten the recessive gene on that trait, I still only count for one vote when making plans. So no time to dawdle if I'm to start putting booze in my body roughly 14 hours after I stopped doing so last night, instead of waiting till at or after the game, like a civilized adult... 

Here's SmackDown!, hopefully well-recapped, but probably still kinda Cliff's Notes-style to those used to my level of detail on RAW... if you feel like rewarding me for my diligence and willingness to work (All Because of You, the loyal Home Viewer), remember: the Pledge Drive is on. You may express your gratefulness in tangible, monetary fashion!

Video Package: Rey, Big Show, Orton, Kane, Taker from Tuesday night. It's no less stupid and still no more "disrespectful-to-Eddie" four days later.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we're not even close to live in Cincinnati, OH, where something LOTS more entertaining was happening back on Tuesday night besides this wrestling show. Tazz and Cole welcome us, and announce that our main event will be a huge cross-brand match, as Big Show and Kane are here again tonight to take on Rey Mysterio and John Bradshaw Layfield. Huh, that sure came out of left field. The Brand War seemed to be pretty much done on RAW, but all of a sudden, it still lives on SD!? Big Show is a semi-main event singles babyface on RAW, but he's a tag team heel on SD!? Methinks somebody still hasn't figured out what the hell to do with SD! in the wake of Batista/Eddie issues...

Face It: Randy Orton is Your Density

To kick off the show, we get Young Randall Orton dumbing his way to the ring, his father in tow. Randy gets on the mic, and sadly -- on a taped show where strategic edits can be made -- I know the prospects for unintentional comedy are seriously decreased.

Randall makes oblique reference to his actions on Tuesday, but says there's no reason to brag, because he's not a cocky guy. Instead, he acts like it's just a simple matter of fact that he Legend Killed the Undertaker, and now people had better start to respect him and recognize him as WWE's only "Phenom." He also promises that anybody expecting to see the Undertaker here tonight had better guess again, because this time, the Undertaker really was dead, and Randy killed him. Oh, christ, if you didn't IMMEDIATELY know where this was going, you're so very, very dumb.

Randall then runs down his resume -- and much to my chagin includes "Sole Survivor at three Survivor Series running," which means that either Randall is cribbing notes from Monday's OO, or OO is now officially on the same mental wavelength as the Stupidest Man In Wrestling -- and says it all adds up to one thing: he wants a World Title shot against Batista. No: he DEMANDS a World Title shot at Batista at Armageddon.

Hey, look: four cute girls and they are BOOING Randy Orton! With extreme enthusiasm! Maybe we just grow 'em smarter here in Southwest Ohio. Actually, strike that: I'm out there, on the front lines, and we don't, much to my perpetual disappointment. Anyway, after staking a claim to a title shot, it's just a short leap of logic for Orton to picture himself as the new World Champ. He closes by saying it won't be luck when he wins.... it's simply DESTINY.

Well, at least that crap-ass concept works a lot better coming out of the mouth of a dim-witted heel than it does as the justification for a babyface title run. Thoughout the promo, in fact, Randy was clearly trying to ramp up the intensity, and was engaging the crowd, who rewarded him with more heat and boos than usual. Thing is, when his prepared lines ran out and Randy turned the Acting off, he still had all the charisma of a wet noodle; in between rants or at the end of the segment, you can actually see the switch flip off, and Randy just returns to being a sack of duh with nervous ticks like picking at his t-shirt and stuff. You wanna be a main eventer, you gotta find that ability to be "on" all the time; you can flip it on at certain times and then try to hide behind the Douchebag Pose the rest of the time.

[ads]

Tag Team Battle Royale (For Tag Title Shot at Armageddon)

First, MNM enter, to "scout" the competition. M and N contribute nothing the entire segment, but Melina does her Ring Entrance Splits on the announce table, much to the distraction of Tazz and Cole. I don't know how, but even with that ridiculous hair and even more ridiculous boob job, Melina manages to pull off that jaw-dropping-distraction thing to utter perfection. I should be a stronger man, but I am not in this case.

Then the competing tag teams enter the ring. Animal/Heidenreich, the Mexicools, the FBI, the Dicks, Paul London/Spanky Kendrick, and Scotty 2 Hotty/Funaki... I think that's it. Story of the match was everybody wanting to team up on Animal/Heidenreich, since they're the most recent ex-champs. A huge group of guys has Heidenreich on the ropes, and then Animal is accidentally shot into the pile, causing Heidenreich to tumble out. One team member being eliminated means the entire team is eliminated. So just like that, we're one Dick Removal away from somebody half-way decent winning this match...

But it doesn't go down like that. Instead, the order of elimination goes FBI, Scotty/Funaki (apparently during a commercial), and then London/Kendrick. Somewhere in there, the lights flickered, indicating that we were in for a night of Gay Spooky. But the guys in the ring barely flinched. We got down to the Dicks with the Mexicools. I'm glad Vince McMahon is enjoying feeding Tazz and Cole all these Dick Jokes, because I don't think anybody else over the age 13 is laughing all that hard. Mheh heh heh, I said HARD. Mheh heh heh.

Whatever, after much bad humor and appearing to isolate on Psicosis, the Dicks were surprised when their attempt to back drop Psicosis out over the top rope ended up with both Dicks getting hooked and eliminated together while Psicosis slid back in under the bottom rope.

Your Winners: Psicosis and Super Crazy, via over-the-top elimination, in maybe 6-8 minutes. Looks like it'll be M an N (with Melina) defending the titles against Psicosis and Super Crazy (with Juventud) at the PPV. Melina had better have something special for us, cuz she doesn't want to be out-prettied by Juvi!

Backstage: an interview with JBL. He says that he's no friend of Rey Mysterio, but in times like these, he'll stand by Rey to defend SD! against Big Show and Kane. Ugh, the thought of babyface JBL makes my skin crawl. JBL promises to do whatever it takes to defend "his show" later tonight.... then, as he walks away, the nearby monitor starts oozing blood. The Gay Spooky continues.

[ads]

Chris Benoit vs. William Regal

Before the match, Booker T (and Sharmell) come on down to the ring, and invite themselves to do Guest Commentary. After making the requisite introductions all around and bragging about being up 2 match to 0 on Benoit, with a Sweep imminent, Booker declared that he's here to do impartial color analysis, and thus, he is NOT Booker T. He will refer to Booker T in the third person, and just call this match as an unbiased observer. Huh.

Benoit and Regal out, with the expected fanfare about their past battles, and predictions that this one will be every bit as brutal. Crisp chain wrestling to start, with Benoit attempting to get an early Crossface. But Regal's not going down that easily. But then, Regal scores a few good shots and starts targeting Benoit's (SURGICALLY RECONSTRUCTED~!) neck. Around this point, Booker really starts killing on commentary. He talks about how "The incredibly technically sound Booker T did an excellent job isolating Benoit's neck on Tuesday, and now Regal's doing the same. There's no way Benoit is at 100%, and it because of the incredibly talented Booker T." Cole, required to be a wet blanket, kept trying to snap Booker out of the Third Person Commentary Persona, but Booker no sold him, with hilarious results. Booker T's not here, bitch, but your guest announcer believes he is quite the talented wrestler. Funny stuff, and the joke is: Booker just trying to do a comedy act resulted in him probably being the second best color man in wrestling today. Imagine Don West's blustering enthusiasm (where drama is indicated by increased levels of shouting), except with actually knowing the names of holds and possessing a knowledge of wrestling pyschology. That's kind of what Booker was bringing.

Anyway, story of the match is that Benoit, at less than 100% was struggling massively against Regal. Benoit couldn't put two moves together, and was on the defensive until finally firing up out of a Modified Dragon Sleeper (modified for Extra Coolness)... finally Benoit got a respectable rally, and as is apparently required in all Benoit/Regal matches, came up with an excuse to viciously headbutt Regal until both men were bleeding, hardway. Benoit continued the rally, going for the Hat Trick of Germans, but Regal countered out of that.... so Benoit re-countered into hitting a third suplex.... except, just to be a dick and for Added Pain, he made it a Dragon Suplex. Nice.

From there, it wasn't long before Regal found himself in the Crossface and tapping out.

Your Winner: Chris Benoit, via submission, in about 6-8 minutes. Good stuff, if you likes the stiff-ass technical wrestling. And even if you don't, Booker on commentary was gold, and should have kept your attention riveted. Speaking of which...

After the Match: Booker put his feet up on the commentary desk in an exagerrated pose of relaxation (kind of taunting Benoit with the fact that he's got the night off). Benoit took exception; from a staredown a safe 6 feet away, Benoit suddenly pounced all the way over the table and tackled Booker. The brawl was on, and Benoit got Booker trapped in the Crossface. Sharmell made the save by approaching the pair with a steel chair. But Benoit caught her, and released the hold to stalk her. The distraction served its purpose, though: it allowed Booker and Sharmell to beat their hasty retreat.

Backstage: Randy Orton is blithering something to his dad about how he'll get his World Title Match tonight, or else. They walk past a clock, which suddenly starts running in reverse. Who the hell does WWE think they are creeping out? Second graders?

[ads]

Randy Orton vs. Matt Hardy

Fast start for Matt, including a big plancha... but back in the ring, Randall exercised his powers of stultifying boringness by taking control and immediately going for.... a headlock. 

Urge to recap... fading....

Another quick flurry after Matt escapes, but Randall insures they'll be no joy in Mudville tonight by cinching in.... a chinlock. I think he added a second chinlock a minute or two later.

Urge to recap.... fading.... fading.... gone.

Matt, of course, fired up out of whichever of the chinlocks was the last one. Maybe the second on. Maybe the 37th. Couldn't tell you. Matt thinks he might be on the verge of hitting a Twist of Fate, but instead, that turns into an RKO out of nowhere.

Your Winner: Randy Orton, via pinfall, in maybe 4-5 minutes. Not really thrilling in any respect. But that's because it was only out here as a prelude to....

After the Match: Randy and his dad were celebrating when suddenly the lights went out. Ohhhh, spooky. Randy tries to put on a brave face, but as soon as Undertaker's voice comes over the sound system, he has no choice but to realize that Taker's STILL not dead. Taker toys with him ("Behind you, Randy. Nope, over here." and so forth), and finally says "I'm coming to get you." So now Taker is sharing Gay Spooky tactics with the Boogeyman? Randy eventually decides "to hell with this" (and his dad, I have NO idea where his dad ended up) and tries to leave through the crowd. Of course, he picks the one entrance that has Gay Spooky Pyro behind it, and makes really bad scaredy-faces as he crawls back to the ring. Where he's taunted by the Voice of Taker some more. So Orton tries to go out through the crowd again. And again selects an exit that is conveniently laden with Gay Spooky Pyro, which again sends Randy into a fit of very fakey terror. The process repeats a THIRD time, as WWE even is lame enough to reprise the cheesy cartoon lightning bolt trick to put the fear of god into poor young Randall. Back in the ring, Taker gets to his point: no more playing around tonight, because at Armageddon, Taker will see Randy in Hell. Hell in the Cell. Finally, Taker appears to have had his fill, and he conjures no more crap to stop Orton from stumbling and crawling his fraidy-cat self back to the locker room. Let me just say: goddammit, it does nothing good for Taker to have his "powers" be limited to such utterly Gay Spooky nonsense, and it does nothing good for Randall to ask him to act (badly) scared of such gayness that would not cause an average person to do much more than blink an eye. Not my cup o' tea here.

[ads]

Backstage: Orton's talking to Teddy Long, trying to weasel out of Hell in the Cell. But Teddy has no desire to cross the Undertaker, so the match is on.

Video Package: the Boogeyman sucks. But he's still debuting tonight. So they show some stuff about him, and then Cole shoots it backstage for an interview with Boogeyman's opponent tonight.

Elsewhere Backstage: Diva Search Loser Kristal has a new job as an interviewer (and are those new boobs, too? if so, that sucks; 90% of boob jobs are unnecessary to begin with, but once you pull the trigger, you should be forbidden to go back and re-upsize; maintenance work only!). Kristal wants to know if Simon's worried about facing the Boogeyman tonight. Simon says no way, because a Boogeyman is somebody who hides under your bed or in your closet. He's a lunatic, not a wrestler. And further more, Simon is in tip-top physical shape thanks to his Patented Simon System, which is on display on a nearby banquet table. In fact, Simon's in such perfect condition, he figures he'll treat himself to a little snack.... so he lifts the lid on an adjacent catering tray. And find the Boogeyman's head, covered in worms. Boogeyman makes allegedly spooky faces and laughs maniacally and tries to eat as many of the worms as he can (without the benefit of having his hands). Simon, of course, is required to be mortified by this latest display of Gay Spookiness.

[ads]

Simon Dean vs. the Boogeyman

Simon's ring entrance has to be done twice, because he doesn't appear the first time. But the second time, security drags him to the ring. And then has to surround the ring to keep him from escaping.

Then Boogeyman enters. His entrance consists of spooky music and lighting, LOTS of smoke, Boogeyman breaking his clock over his head to cue some pyro, and then a voodoo priestess dance. This did not seem to impress a single member of the live audience, if the dead silence is any indication. I know it did not impress me.

There's a lot of posing and posturing and Simon-acting-terrified to kill time. Finally, after Simon starts flinging Protein Bars at Boogeyman, Boogeyman decides that, yes, he would like a snack. So he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of live worms. He eats some. And then he flings the rest at Simon. Simon is mortified, making him easy prey as Boogeyman goes over, hoists him up, and hits an inverted powerslam.

Your Winner: the Boogeyman, via pinfall. The entire soul-crushing spectacle probably took about 3-4 minutes to play out, but the "match" consisted of exactly one wrestling move (and not even a very good one). Tazz and Cole tried mightily to put over what a nutjob this guy is if he's eating live worms, but my official guess: it ain't gonna fly. I mean, think about it: he eats wacky things? That makes him Tommy Dreamer, circa 2002, plus a whole lot of stupid make-up and minus any actual credibility.

[ads]

Bobby Lashley vs. Sylvan

I guess Sylvan didn't just lose his last name, he also lost the "i" in his first name? Lashley enters first, Sylvan enters second, with a mic. He does a generic spiel about how pretty he is and how everybody came here to see him in all his flaming glory. Lashley grabs the mic and opines that everybody came here to see him kick Sylvan's ass. I'll say this: Lashley's voice? Does not go with Lashely's body. Then again, Brock Lesnar had the same thing, and he sure turned out OK.

Lashley, obviously, jump-started things after that attempted promo work, and that worked until Sylvan dodged a charge in the turnbuckle. Sylvan got some extended offense focused on Lashley's shoulder, which had taken the brunt of the missed charge. This, mercifully, doesn't last for long, although once Lashley makes his comeback, he takes his sweet time doing anything to finish off Sylvan. Lots of basic power stuff and throwing Sylvan around like a rag doll so that the announcers can remind us that Sylvan is no pussy-ass cruiserweight, he's a big, 265 lbs. hunk of manly man. Finally, Lashley hits the Dominator and gets the pin.

Your Winner: Bobby Lashley, via pinfall, in 4-5 minutes. Too long for what it was. Either Lashley needs to be in there with credible opposition who can help lead him through a more complex match, or he just needs to be squashing chumps in 2 minutes flat. Given what Sylvan brings to the table, he's definitely more in the 2-minutes-flat category, and trying to take Lashley to 5 minutes left neither man looking his strongest.

[ads]

Rey Mysterio/JBL vs. Big Show/Kane

Story here is that Rey is still a wreck after Tuesday's match against Big Show. His ribs are taped, and it's apparently a wonder he's been medically cleared to compete. Thus, JBL takes it upon himself to start the match, since he's still healthy and able to go at full-speed.

JBL seemed to have pretty good luck at first, but when Show and Kane got the better of him, he intentionally passed on tagged Rey into the match, figuring he was still the better man for the job. How chivalrous of him. Finally, JBL started to get into REAL trouble, and when he stumbled to close to his own corner, Rey had no choice but to tag himself into the match. JBL took exception, but the tag was legal. Rey came in and tried to be a house afire, but 5'4" and 150 lbs. against roughly 13'10" and 800 lbs. just ain't gonna work.

JBL has no choice but to try to join in, but in the four-way brawling chaos, the ref tried to break things up.... and in so doing, he was making a gesture to Show or Kane to get back to his corner, and he flailed and poked JBL in the eyeball. It must have been some poke, too, since JBL -- Mr. SmackDown!, the guy who'd put personal differences aside to protect his brand -- suddenly decided to leave the ring, holding his eye. Rey suddenly realized he was being abandoned... and then Kane realized what was going on and had this killer Evil Grin on his face as we cut to....

[ads]

Back and Rey is, predictably, in bad trouble. The announcers make all the expected noises about Rey having no chance, and the ref should stop this before he gets seriously hurt and so forth. But never bet against that pesky Rey Rey!

After a sufficient beating had been administered, Rey decided it was time to fire up on Kane, out-quicking him, and starting to get the big man wobbling (but not quite putting him down). Big Show didn't like where this was headed, so he jumped into the ring to add his two cents. That didn't work out so well, either. I forget the exact sequence, but Rey ping-ponged back and forth between the two giants, eventually chopping each man down, and even putting each man in position for the (619)... Kane got it on one side of the ring, and then Show got it on the other side of the ring. 

Rey tried to follow up by hitting a Springboard Senton onto Kane, but Kane caught him, and in a nice bit of cool Big Man Wrestling, he actually just tossed Rey's carcass over to Show, and Show caught Rey and put him quickly into position for a chokeslammed. That should just about do it....

Your Winners: Big Show and Kane, via pinfall, in about 10-12 minutes. Pretty basic formula here, but executed by three guys who are perfect for the job. This and Benoit/Regal (and to a lesser extent the tag team battle royal) were about the show's only highlights, though everything peaked at Merely Good.

After the Match: Big Show gets the idea to finish off Rey for good, so he grabs a steel chair. But before Show and Kane can do anything, Batista sprints to the ring. He's sporting no more tape on the back/shoulder, and the announcers make no mention of a lingering injury, so.... I guess we just accept that Batista's gonna tough this injury out? Batista, of course, gets the better of the two RAW guys, and when it looks like the 1-on-2 might turn against him, he grabbed the chair Show intended to use against Rey, and that equalized things. A few shots for Kane, and one big shot to the skull for Big Show, and that'll do it. Batista helps Rey to his feet, and the two celebrate together (because SD! lost the match!) to end the show...