Anyway, that should be enough. Let’s get on with the recap.

We start with a flashback to Survivor Series: Randy Orton’s victory party was spoiled by the Undertaker. That is followed up by a flashback to last week, when Orton celebrated killing the Undertaker (again), then cried when he found out the Dead Man is still not dead.

Smackdown music, pyro, and a big ol’ fist. Did you know that the first time Smackdown used the fist was also the first time Steve Austin ever pulled his “What?” routine? August 16, 2001, live from Salt Lake City, and I was there. They busted out the sweet new set because it was the first of what was supposed to be regular live episodes of Smackdown, and that show featured Austin dressing down Scotty 2 Hotty with a series of “Whats?” that made you want to cry for Scotty. Or something.

Anyway, tonight - kinda live from the University of South Carolina - we have match 3 of the Benoit/Booker Best of 7 Series.

Starting off, JBL is in the ring with a bandage over his eye and a mic in his hand: He thanks the fans for all the support they have given him through his “horrible, horrible injury,” but Cole and Tazz have no idea how he got hurt. He talks about how his doctor has recommended that he end his career the way Sugar Ray Leonard ended his (for a lesser injury, in fact). Anyway, JBL blames ReyRey for the loss last week, saying Rey didn’t do his part after JBL was injured.

So JBL could retire, but he understands that the poor, unfortunate fans need their Wrestling God. So he’s here for his match, and Tazz is very proud.

Rey appears to have his pants on his head or something, but before I can figure out what it is, they show us getting the crap beat out of him by Show and Kane. When we come back, the pants are off the head, and JBL whines to Charles Robinson about his eye while Rey says hello to the crowd.

JBL was playing possum, and he starts with a bunch of pounding on Rey. We ignore Tazz referring to JBL as “a one-eyed monster” as Rey gets some offense. Rey backs JBL into the corner and gives him a couple thumbs to the eye and ten punches to his head. JBL rolls out of the rung to avoid a bronco-buster, but Rey lands a plancha over the top rope.

A missed top-rope headbutt turns the tide again, and JBL controls for a minute before Rey hits a hurricanrana out of nowhere. JBL is set up for the 619, but before Rey can hit it, Orlando Jordan comes in and clotheslines Rey. Apparently, Orlando is back to being a Chief of Staff.

Your winner, by disqualification, is Rey Mysterio.

After the match, as Orlando and JBL prepare to beat down on ReyRey, Batista comes down and makes the save. Before the bad guys can run off, Teddy Long shows up and says JBL’s walking days are over. Believe it or not, Long sets up a tag team match between JBL/Orlando and Rey/Batista.

Orton and his dad are walking: pops is concerned about Young Randall’s plan to call out the Undertaker - right after the commercials!

Back from commercials, and Orton is on his way down to the ring. Hey, there’s nothing we can say, nothing’s gonna change what we did today.

Randy is sick of the mind games, doesn’t like Taker messing with his head. He’s “this close” to snapping, and … his own music starts, but the Very Special Taker Remix Version. That’s the sort of thing Randy is talking about. Randy doesn’t want to fight Taker in the Hell in a Cell, he wants to resolve it right now in the ring. He says pretty please, but he’s getting no response. After repeating himself 84 times, he admits that he might have made a mistake taking on the Dead Man. He is trying to portray frustration, but it is coming off a sleepiness.

Finally, Taker’s gong hits, and up flashes a quote from Virgil (the poet, or the Orlando Jordan of the ‘80s, I don’t know): “The gates of hell are open, night and day.” Sounds like a slogan for a mini-mart. Images of the Undertaker killing Mick Foley and Big Boss Man. A quote from John Calvin: “The torture of a bad conscience is the hell of a living soul.” More death and destruction. Emerson: “To different minds, the same world is a hell, and a heaven.” Now we’re just stretching for quotes from famous people with the word “hell” in them. Orton looks on sleepily as he watches more clips of Taker killing people, and we end (hopefully) with a quote from Dante: “Abandon all hope, you who enter here!” HELL IN A CELL!

Back in the ring, Orton is crying and blue, and Taker tells him he is in the fast lane on the highway to hell. Enjoy the ride! How sweet. Tazz actually says, “Look at Orton’s face,” as if it is portraying some sort of emotion, and they remind us that Armageddon is coming up a week from Sunday.

Backstage: we join Kristal, who is standing outside Booker T’s locker room. She knocks, and Sharmell opens up the door. She doesn’t seem keen on letting Kristal in, but Booker invited her in for some white board magic. Apparently two plus one is three, which means that if Booker wins tonight, he will be up 3-0. He’s not too happy about Benoit’s attack last week, but he will make it right tonight. Can you dig that? Kristal leaves, and Mr. and Mrs. T play kissy kissy.

Commercials.

Back from the break, and MNM are on their way down. Tazz and Cole wet themselves over Melina’s entrance, and Cole invites Melina to watch Joey Mercury’s match from the announce table.

Mercury’s opponent tonight is SuperCrazy, accompanied by his fellow Cool Mexicans. We see footage from last week’s battle royal, and Tazz says that even though Cole likes the Dicks, the Mexicools pulled off the win to earn a title shot against MNM at Armageddon.

Nick Patrick calls for the bell, and we starts with some rope bouncing, shoulder blocking, head slapping, and hip tossing. Eventually, Joey rolls out of the ring, and SuperCrazy hits a baseball slide. He goes up for a flipping something, but Mercury moves out of the way and clotheslines him on the outside. Body slam back in the ring, and Mercury hits an elbow off the second rope. Mercury tries to throw SuperCrazy out of the ring, but he grabs the rope and pulls himself back in. A little back and forth leads to a missile dropkick by SuperCrazy and a two-count. Cole and Tazz are bickering, and it is a little distracting.

Mercury gets some momentum and says that’s it, but he has something reversed into a tornado DDT. Nitro tries to stop Crazy from going to the top rope, but the MexiBackups take care of it, and Crazy hits a moonsault off the top rope. 

That gets the three-count, and your winner is SuperCrazy.

After the match, the MexiCools celebrate their momentum leading up to their title match, but Kid Kash jumps Juvi from behind and hits a brainbuster. MNM join in the fun and take out the other two Mexis, and we leave with the MNMK standing over the MexiCools. Does anyone else think Kid Kash looks like Owen Hart?

Backstage: Orton is looking in a mirror. He washes his face, and we all know someone will be behind him when he looks up. It’s Taker, but when he turns around, there is no one there. Randy can’t find his marbles!

Commercials.

Back: I thought Rick told us Kennedy was hurt? Well, here he comes. Oh, nope, it’s Palmer Cannon, announcing to us that Mr. Kennedy is hurt and unable to fight Johnny Nobody (or Ray Gordy). Luckily, Palmer is sending down the Boogeyman to take Kennedy’s place, and Gordy looks horrified to be a part of this angle.

Boogeyman has a seizure on the way to the ring, and I have no desire to recap this match - other than to see if there is more than one move in this match. Tazz lets us know that Boogey eats pig entrails, and Cole asks him how he knows that. Tazz says, “Look at him, of COURSE he eats pig entrails.” Boogey eats some worms and throws Gordy across the ring. Knee to the gut, and a pumphandle slam. Forearm to the face, three-count, and spit some worms in Gordy’s face. Well, we got more wrestling than last week. Hooray? Another seizure for Boogey, and we watch some replays.

Backstage: and we are with Orton again. Randy almost takes his dad’s head off for surprising him, and Bob says Randy looks like he’s seen a ghost. When Randy looks back at his dad, we see blood all over Bob’s head. I’m not sure if we are supposed to be seeing what Randy is seeing in his mind, or if Taker has cast a spell on the cameras to show us what he wants us to see, but either way, I think it is pretty weak.

Elsewhere backstage: Chris Benoit is walking towards the ring. His match with Booker is next, after these…

Commercials.

Flashback to last week, when Benoit made Regal tap and then jumped Booker, and then we have Sharmell (with her own music) coming down to introduce her hubbypoo. She introduces him as the undisputed United States Champion, and Booker’s music asks if we can dig it.

Benoit comes down, and Jimmy Korderas does his best to keep them separated until he rings the opening bell. The crowd is on Benoit’s side, and after a minute of dancing around, the two tie up. We get a bit of a feeling out process and some back-and-forthy, and Tazz is obsessed with Sharmell’s crown. Booker rolls out of the ring, gives the stink-eye to some fans, and comes back in. Benoit finally takes control with some chops, a snap suplex, and some more chops. Booker turns the tides with a knee to the gut and a side suplex.

Cole talks about Benoit’s neck, and Benoit reverses another side suplex into a cross-body for a two-count. More chops and forearms, and Benoit is in control. Booker goes for a clothesline, but Benoit ducks it for a release German suplex. That gets a two-count before Booker gets to the rope, and Benoit follows up with a couple more two-counts.

Booker eventually gets control by hanging Benoit up on the ropes. Booker gets a little too confident, and Benoit reverses with a couple more chops. He follows up with some closed fists to the head of Booker, and then he feeds Booker a few more chops (probably about twenty-five so far).

Cole asks, “What does that chop do in this situation?” Tazz says, “It hurts.” Booker reverses an Irish Whip into the corner, and follows up with a kick to the back of Benoit’s head. Let’s see some…

Commercials.

Back from break, and Booker has Benoit in some sort of stetchy submission hold. We see that Booker threw Benoit into the steps during the break, and we wish that Booker’s dreadlocks weren’t in Benoit’s mouth. Benoit fights back up to his feet, and eventually punches out of it. Scary move as Booker was supposed to pick up Benoit and drive his back into the corner, but he lost his balance and drove Benoit’s neck into the bottom turnbuckle. Forearm to the head knocks Benoit off the apron to the floor, and Booker rolls him back in for a two-count.

Cole reminds us that Benoit is down “two-love” in the series, and Tazz says if Cole says that again, he is leaving. Booker has a rear naked choke on Benoit, and someone is bleeding, I think. Benoit comes out of nowhere to hit a running forearm off the ropes, snap suplex, and a two-count. Booker counters a German and goes for the scissor kick, but Benoit ducks and hits two Germans. Booker counters on the third and goes up top, but Benoit catches him and hits a superplex. Booker kicks out at two, and Benoit cuts his throat and goes up top. Flying headbutt, and Booker kicks out at two-point-nine. Booker blocks an Irish Whip and goes for a kick, but he hits the ref instead. Benoit hits two Germans, and when Booker tries to counter the third, Benoit switches it into a crossface. Booker is tapping, but Korderas is out. Sharmell grabs a chair from outside the ring, and Benoit releases and catches her. Booker, of course, hits Benoit from behind, grabs the chair and delivers a shot to the lower back, and hits a scissor kick. Sharmell rouses the ref, and Booker gets the three-count. 

Booker wins and is now up 3-0 in the series.

After the match, the T’s celebrate, and Benoit is pissed. We see some replays, and then they remind us about tonight’s tag team main event.

Video package: highlights of Lashley at Survivor Series, referring to him as “The Real Deal,” or maybe the Next Big Thing, I’m not sure.

Commercials.

Flashback: to last week, when Lashley “rearranged the facial features of Sylvan.”

Lashley comes down to the ring, and he is one big dude. He is the thickest 273 pounds I have ever seen. His opponent is William Regal, being accompanied by Paul Burchill. Regal looks unsure about this matchup, in his own special way. Lashley pulls him into the ring and begins the domination. After a while, Regal dodges as Lashley charges the corner, and he gets about thirty seconds of offense in, including a nice suplex that got a one-count. Lashley comes back with a belly-to-belly suplex of his own and proceeds to throw Regal around the ring a bit. Lashley hits the Dominator, and it’s over. Lashley remains undefeated. The crowd seems to dig this Lashley guy.

Raw Recap: apparently I am bound by OO statute to inform you all that I don’t recap recaps. Or something.

Commercials.

More Orton stuff: Randy and Bob are walking and talking backstage and Taker shows up on a screen behind them, but they don’t notice. They are heading out of the arena, except that their car drives off with no one in the driver’s seat. Josh Matthews tries to ask a question, but he gets possessed by Taker, and speaks in Taker’s voice about Hell in a Cell. I feel like, as a wrestling fan, I am supposed to enjoy this cheesiness, but I just don’t.

Commercials.

Back from the break: Cole and Tazz give us a rundown on the Armageddon lineup. That takes us to our main event, JBL and Orlando Jordan against Batista and Rey Mysterio.

As JBL and Orlando come to the ring, Cole mentions something about Visine, and Tazz says that with a serious eye injury, you flush the eyes. Cole says, “You know about liquid in the eyes,” and I wonder how old Cole is.

Rey and Batista come down to meet their opponents, and it seems that Batista and Rey are slight favorites among the crowd. When you are watching this at 1:00 a.m. in the dark to avoid waking up your wife and daughter, Batista’s flashing lights are a bit distracting.

Nick Patrick calls for the bell, and the crowd starts a Batista chant. Have you ever noticed that Orlando Jordan looks like former Red Sox (and new Braves) shortstop Edgar Renteria? Anyway, Batista dominates Orlando, and ReyRey tags in and does a little Eddie Flip onto Orlando. Batista and Rey do some double teams, with Batista picking up Rey for a head-scissors on JBL and then throwing him into a baseball slide onto both opponents outside the ring. Time for our last set of…

Commercials.

Back from break, and the bad guys have taken control, with Orlando dominating Batista and focusing on the bad shoulder with an armbar. I don’t know if my UPN affiliate was late coming back from break, but I see no replays about how they took control. Batista finally gets a tag, and Rey knocks JBL off the apron and then hits a head-scissors on Orlando. JBL is in, and he ducks out of a 619. Jillian slaps Rey, and JBL follows up with a boot to the face. As Nick Patrick is distracted by Batista trying to help, JBL slams Rey’s head off the announce table. He rolls Rey back in and gets a two-count, then lays Rey across the top rope, kicks the ribs a bit, and hits a fall-away slam off the second rope. Batista breaks up the count at two, and JBL follows into a bearhug to focus on Rey’s ribs, which are still injured from the attack by Big Show and Kane.

Rey finally reverses into a bulldog, and we JBL gets the tag to Orlando. Jordan hits a neckbreaker on Rey, then focuses on the bad ribs. Whip into the turnbuckle, and Rey kicks out at two again. Orlando does his own bearhug, and Rey is in big, big trouble. Tazz mentions that Kane and Show are watching how Rey and Batista work as a tag team. Rey finally gets out of the bearhug, but he misses a dropkick, and JBL tags in. His eye doesn’t seem to be bothering him anymore.

Rey starts fighting back, hits a headbutt and a tornado DDT. Cole informs us that this could be a turning point in the matchup. Both guys get tags, and Batista cleans house on both opponents. Clotheslines in the corner on both guys, but the second on JBL is blocked by a kick to the face. JBL tries to follow up with a Clothesline from Taker’s Favorite Place, but Batista ducks and hits a shoulderblock. Batista follows Jordan outside the ring, for some reason, and Orlando hits a drop-toe-hold that drives Batista into the ring post. ReyRey hits a seated senton on JBL in the ring, but Jillian comes in with her clipboard to attack Rey. Nick Patrick sees what Jillian is up to and admonishes her to cut it out, and JBL tries to use the distraction to his advantage. Rey must have heard him coming, because he ducks out of the way, and JBL has to stop himself from running Jillian over. Mysterio does a better job using the distraction, and he hits a dropkick to the back of JBL that knocks him and Jillian into perfect position for a Double 619 (a 1238?). JBL sees it coming and moves at the last second, and Jillian takes the full impact of the 619. (Cole doesn’t seem to realize that JBL moved, for some reason.) JBL sees Jillian on the canvas, and he gets a weird little smile on his face. As Rey goes for some more offense, JBL begs off, tripping over Jillian in the process. He comes up holding his knee, and Tazz is genuinely concerned about JBL’s meniscus. Orlando jumps Rey from behind, but then he looks a little ticked that JBL is walking up the ramp. Dropkick from Rey sends Orlando to the ropes, where Rey hits ANOTHER 619, which sends Jordan straight into the loving arms of Batista and his Spinebuster. Batista and Rey do the double thumbs down, and Jordan eats a Batista Bomb. 1-2-3. 

Rey and Batista are your winners.

After the match, Tazz and Cole finally figure out that JBL had dodged the 619, and we watch a few replays. Batista and Rey celebrate, and we are out.

Well, we had six matches, and five of them were either good, effective, or both. Boogeyman’s match, like everything else Boogeyman-related, was pointless. Other than that, we had a good JBL/Rey starter that set up the later tag match; a fun little match between SuperCrazy and Mercury that both added some heat to the tag title match next Sunday AND introduced Kid Kash as a contender to Juvi’s Cruiserweight Title; another awesome display of Lashley’s power; a very good Benoit/Booker match that told the story of Benoit falling into a 3-0 hole in the series; and a fun, crisp tag match at the end that sent the crowd home happy and established Rey and Batista as a tag team. The in-ring action was pretty darn good this week, if you ask me.

As for the non-wrestling stuff… Well, 99% of it had to do with Randy Orton. Now let me just say up front, I don’t hate Randy Orton. I don’t automatically think anything he is in sucks. (For example, I remember back when he was feuding with Foley, and they had one confrontation in the ring where he spit in Mick’s face, and Mick just laughed, went crazy, and started hitting himself. I thought Orton did a great job that night with his words and his facial expressions, basically getting the point across that he had no idea what kind of psycho he was in the ring with. So I know he has it in him.) That said, tonight’s stuff was pretty bad. When he was supposed to look scared, he literally just looked sleepy. The ideas behind the words were terrible, too, as whoever came up with the idea for the camera to SHOW Randy’s hallucination about his bloody father should be fired. Basically, there was way too much spooky and not nearly enough intense for my liking.

So based on the wrestling, this was a great show. The overall package left a bit to be desired, but it definitely could have been worse.