Speaking of the best shows on television, it’s time for Smackdown. Isn’t it funny that while most of UPN’s lineup is geared towards African Americans, their highest-rated show is wrestling, which is generally thought of as “white trash”? And wouldn’t you love to see that Black vs. White Trash brought to life with a match between Trevor Murdoch and Moesha? That would be sweet.

Enough of the rambling, let’s get to the rassling.

Cold open: Benoit, Booker T, and Sharmell are back in Teddy Long’s office. Booker is on crutches, and Benoit is pissed. Benoit implies that Booker is a pansy, perhaps even a ‘fraidy-cat, and Booker’s all, “Nuh uh, I totally have a note from my doctor. Tell him, Teddy.” Booker’s logic says that “when a guy is injured, you go to the scorecard.” Since Book is up 3-to-1 in the series and now the series can’t continue because of his injury, he wins. Not surprisingly, Benoit thinks that is silly. He reminds Booker that he made him tap out the last time they wrestled, and Sharmell chalks that up to a fluke. Teddy has finally had enough, and he says that what he SHOULD do is call tonight’s match a forfeit and award it to Benoit, but Benoit doesn’t like the idea of winning by forfeit. Booker suggests having a substitute wrestle Benoit tonight, and Teddy balks at that until Benoit says, “Sure, no problem.” So tonight, we have Benoit vs. Someone, and if Someone wins, Booker is the U.S. Champ!

Smackdown’s starting now plays, and we are “live” from the Mohegan Sun Casino in Connecticut.

Kicking things off, we have JBL’s limo coming down to the ring. During the long drive, Cole and Tazz inform us that tonight, Batista and Mysterio will defend their tag team titles in a rematch against MNM. JBL does a silly little dance as he and Jillian Hall walk to the ring, and we see flashbacks from Armageddon when JBL kicked the crap out of Matt Hardy. JBL grabs a mic and informs Cole that he is incorrect, it wasn’t a match at Armageddon, it was a STATEMENT. (For purposes of this promo, we will ignore the fact that Cole hadn’t actually referred to it as a match, he just said “at Armageddon.”) So anyway, JBL is no longer taking part in matches, he is making statements. The statement is: “You get in my face, you get destroyed.”

Matt Hardy’s music hits, and he still appears to be walking gingerly from his beating at Armageddon. Charles Robinson is in the ring, and we have us a match…

JBL vs. Matt Hardy

Hardy starts out strong, but he forgets that no small guy has EVER actually performed an Irish Whip on a big guy. He eats a boot for his troubles, which leads to a series of swinging neck-breakers, knees to the chest, and a big shoulder-block. Three elbow drops later, and it looks like we might have a short match. As Hardy tries to come back, JBL gives him a poke to the eye and another boot to the face.

After several more minutes of JBL offense, Matt grabs the ropes to avoid another boot to the face, and delivers a boot of his own. He is unable to capitalize, and JBL puts him down with another shoulder-block. While Matt is down, JBL exposes a turnbuckle, but Hardy turns the tables and slams JBL’s head into the metal. Hardy hits a second-rope leg-drop, but it only gets a two-count. He goes for the Twist of Fate, but JBL pushes him off the ropes and goes for a Clothesline from Hell, which Hardy ducks. Matt tries a flying forearm or something, and JBL catches him and lays him prostrate across the top rope. Just as it looks like JBL is going to finish Matt off…

The Boogeyman’s music hits. I’m not making this up. And to make it better, JBL gets a scared look on his face! Boogeyman boogies his way down the ramp, and Tazz refers to Boogey as the “most freakiest.” JBL hits the fall-away slam from the second rope, steals a scared glance at Boogey, and then hits the Clothesline from Hell. Boogey is now at the apron, and JBL bails, accidentally knocking Jillian over in the process. JBL uses Jillian as a shield, then hops over the wall and runs away.

Your winner, as the result of a count-out, Matt Hardy. As Tony Chimel makes the announcement, JBL is pissed and Boogeyman boogies his way back up the ramp. Wave bye-bye to relevance, Mr. Layfield.

Backstage: Booker and Sharmell are discussing Booker’s replacement, and as Booker starts talking about “one man” who he knows he can count on, Orlando Jordan shows up. Somehow, I think you weren’t the one, OJ. Orlando volunteers to be Booker’s sub, and Sharmell laughs and reminds him of his prior failings against Benoit. “Why don’t you just tap on outta here before I really get loud.” Not bad.

Commercials.

We’re back, and Cole tells us that Melina will be having a press conference tonight to address rumors that have apparently been flying all over WWE.com all week.

Tag team match: Psicosis and Super Crazy vs. The Dicks

The MexiCools ride their Juan Deeres down to the ring, and as they get in the ring, I marvel again at how deceptive Crazy is. I mean, the guy just doesn’t look as athletic as he is. He looks like Carlos Mencia.

Then the Dicks come down, and they do a little Chippendales dance. I wish their theme song was “Working for the Weekend,” but alas, it is something generic. The only way this gimmick is ever going to be over is if they play it for laughs, but I think right now they want me to buy these guys as a legit tag team.

As Tazz and Cole compare the Dicks’ choreography to Paula Abdul or Gregory Hines, we have a bell, and the match is underway. Some solid tag-team MexiWrestling leads to a brief MexiAdvantage, but the Dicks turn things around. We go back and forth for a while, and it is clear that there is some editing going on. Finally, Super goes Crazy with a dropkick, and baseball slide, and a flying second-rope victory roll, which leads to a two-count that is broken up by the illegal Dick. A crucifix also gets two, and then Crazy launches Dick into the air, where Psicosis is waiting with a top-rope missile dropkick. Crazy hits a top-rope moonsault, and that’s all she wrote.

Your winners: the MexiCools.

Backstage: Randy Orton is sitting, and Booker approaches him. Apparently Randy was “the one” who Booker was talking about. Randy asks Book what makes him think Randy wants to do anything for him, and Booker fires him up by rubbing it in that Taker destroyed him in the Cell two weeks ago. “If you beat Chris Benoit, I become United States Champion, but you get all the glory.” In true easily-manipulated fashion, Randy agrees to the match, and we go to…

Commercials.

We’re back, and Melina is looking nervous while talking to Mercury and Nitro.

Flashback to two weeks ago, when Melina slutted it up to talk Batista out of wrestling. Batista accepted the sluttiness, then thanked Melina for warming him up for his match. Highlights of the match, wherein Batista and Mysterio won the tag titles from MNM.

We’re back live, and Melina is on her way to the ring with a guy who looks like a cross between Jim Ross and Jim Cornette, who is apparently her lawyer or something. Melina stands at the podium set up in the ring, and she hesitantly begins her statement.

As the crowd chants for Batista, Melina eventually gets out what she is trying to say: Batista is a sexual predator. She told him to stop, and he didn’t. He used his power and influence as World Champion to force her into having sexual relations. She’s been going for four minutes, and that is literally all she has said so far. Batista has gone too far, my body is a temple, etc.

I apologize that I can’t give this a more detailed recap, but it is just stupid. I am opposed to wherever this storyline is going, and I will give it only the most cursory attention.

Bottom line: Melina is suing Batista for sexual harassment. Apparently in her world, rape and sexual harassment are the same thing. Tazz and Cole get serious on us, then they get over it and let us know that Orton vs. Benoit is right after these…

Commercials.

We’re back, and Sharmell hits the top of the ramp to announce Booker McCrutchy. Booker and Sharmell come down to sit with Tazz and Cole to watch…

Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton, Match 5 of the Best-of-7 series

Benoit hits the ring first, and he tells Booker that he still doesn’t care much for him. They stare at each other for a while, until Orton’s music hits. I still don’t understand how Orton was the obvious choice for Booker, and Cole doesn’t either. Booker’s answer is “Blah blah legend killer blah blah etc.”

Nick Patrick calls for the bell, and we are underway. Benoit goes for the crossface within 40 seconds, and Orton rolls out of the ring. We’re going to…

Commercials.

We’re back, and Orton is in control with a side headlock. Benoit takes control with a forearm to the face, then lays in with a few chops. Orton turns the table with a poke to the eye, and a suplex gets two. Orton throws Benoit into the corner, but Benoit moves before Orton can follow up, which gives Benoit the opening to take control with an armbar.

Cole and Tazz are talking with Booker about how Booker will get the title but Orton will get the “glory.” I wish Orton would change his theme song to “Glory of Love.” “I am a man who will fight for Booker’s honor. I’ll be the hero Booker’s been dreaming of. We’ll live forever, knowing together that we did it all for the glory of love.”

Benoit is still in control with a series of side-headlocks, but Orton reverses it and throws Benoit over the top rope right in front of the announce table. Orton slams Benoit’s head into the table, then back-suplexes him onto the retaining wall. Orton rolls Benoit back into the ring and gets a two-count, and Orton’s nose is bleeding somehow. Orton hits a ninja neck-twist that would have killed Benoit if it had happened in a Bruce Lee movie, but it only gets a two-count in the WWE. Benoit pulls a chop out of nowhere to turn the tables, and follows it up with a pair of Germans. Orton blocks the third German, but Benoit turns it into a crossface. Before Benoit can ever get it completely locked in, Orton gets to the ropes. As Orton rolls out of the ring, Benoit goes off the rope and dives through the ropes like a missile with a suicide plancha into Orton’s chest. Let’s go to some more…

Commercials.

And during these commercials, my local UPN station goes out, and I get static for several minutes. I have never seen that on my dish before. Weird. Well, I guess WWE.com serves a purpose. Here’s a quote from their recap of the part I missed:

“Back inside, Benoit went for the rolling Germans, but Orton blocked it. Benoit came back with an ode to Eddie Guerrero and connected with the Three Amigos. He went up top, but Orton telegraphed the diving headbutt. Benoit recovered and went for the Sharpshooter, but Orton was able to roll through it. The Legend Killer went the RKO, but Benoit was able to reverse it into another Crossface. With Orton in trouble, Sharmell jumped into the ring and hit Benoit with one of Booker T’s crutches, causing a disqualification. Not realizing what she had done, Benoit was now one step closer to becoming United States Champion. Booker T still leads the series, though, 3-2. Benoit’s celebration was very short-lived, as Orton laid out the Rabid Wolverine with an RKO.”

When my station comes back, Funaki has a microphone on a stage, and he welcomes his guest, the new Cruiserweight Champion, Kid Kash. Kash has Funaki refer to him as the greatest CW champ of all time, and the crowd doesn’t like that much. Kash rips on his Armageddon opponent for a while, asking, “What in the world is a Juventud?” And apparently Kash will be a racist, asking if there is anyone around here who isn’t foreign. This naturally leads to a rip on Funaki, which will probably lead to a match between the two. Well, if the talk doesn’t, maybe the cheap shot and the brainbuster will, but probably not tonight. The crowd thinks Kash sucks, and we go to what I thought was a commercial, but it turned out to be a preview for a new guy named Finlay, a “fighting Irish bastard.” And now…

Commercials.

Back, and Josh Matthews is outside Batista’s locker room to let us know he is on the prowl for Batista’s response to Melina’s charges.

In the ring, Sylvan is lamenting the fact that he won’t be spending New Year’s in Paris or Montreal, but in front of the ugly Americans. The crowd knows their cues, and they chant USA. Sylvan recommends that all of us set a New Year’s Resolution to appreciate his beauty more.

Sylvan vs. Lashley

Lashley hits the ring, and Sylvan jumps him quickly. Enjoy the offense while you can, Syl. Lashley, reverses it and drives a series of shoulders into Sylvan’s gut, followed by a huge clothesline in the corner. After a belly-to-belly, Sylvan rolls out of the ring and decides he has had enough of this abuse to his pretty face. Charles Robinson can count to ten, which means…

Your winner, as the result of a count-out: Bobby Lashley.

Backstage: Josh Matthews is with Batista, and he asks for his response to Melina’s charges. Batista tells Josh to consider the source, then talks about his upcoming tag match. This leads us to…

Commercials.

When we get back, MNM’s music hits, and Melina is so scarred from her harassment that she doesn’t have the heart to do her normal entrance. ReyRey has no problem doing his normal entrance, nor does Batista.

Batista and Mysterio vs. MNM, tag team title match

Jimmy Korderas calls for the bell, and Joey Mercury starts against Rey Mysterio. Johnny Nitro tries a sneak attack, but Rey elbows him in the face and attacks Mercury. Quick tag to Batista, who seems to have a size and strength advantage. Even when Nitro comes in for a double-team, Batista easily dispatches M & N into the corner. Tag to ReyRey, and he hits a double bronco buster in the corner. I haven’t seen that move since Mae Young. Rey hits a top rope splash, which gets a two-count before Nitro breaks it up, and we go to…

Commercials.

We are back for good, and Batista and Mysterio are still in control. A couple two-counts, and I wonder if Nitro has even been tagged into the match yet. Now he has, just in time to take a sweet hurricanrana from Rey. But as Rey goes up to bounce on the top ropes for something, Nitro hits him with a boot to the face, sending him crashing to the floor.

Mercury ties up Rey’s knee in the ropes and pounds on it for a bit while Nitro distracts the ref. Nitro works some more on the knee, and ReyRey is officially a face in peril. MNM make a couple quick tags, successfully isolating Rey from his corner and focusing on the damaged knee. Rey can’t even stand, and Mercury looks pretty confident as he tags Nitro back in. MNM double-team some more on Rey’s knee, including some outside-the-ring shenanigans. Cool spot where a kick to the knee from Nitro literally spins Rey all the way around in a backflip.

Finally, Rey hits a desperation double DDT on MNM, and he eventually gets the energy to make the hot tag to Batista, who comes in like - you guessed it - a house afire. Spear on Nitro, Spinebuster on Mercury, and the thumbs go down. As Batista is about to hit the Batista Bomb, Nitro interferes, but Batista dispatches him to the edge of the apron, where ReyRey hits him with a beautiful top-rope hurricanrana to the floor. Back in the ring, Batista accidentally knocks the ref out while throwing Mercury around, so there is no one to count an easy three.

As Batista stalks Mercury for another Spinebuster, he takes a big black forearm to the back of the head. When I realize who it is, I weep openly. Mark F. Henry is back, and he hits a powerslam on Batista. Wow, Mark, you just used your entire moveset in ten seconds!

Joey Mercury crawls over and covers Batista as Jimmy Korderas recovers, and MNM are Tag Team Champions for the third time in 2005.

After the match, Melina raises Mark F. Henry’s hand, and it appears that she was behind the whole thing. I’ve always liked Melina, but she hurt me bad tonight. We close with that image.

Not a great effort by Smackdown tonight. Unlike the last time I recapped, when there was at least quite a bit of good wrestling to counter-balance the Orton/Taker stupidity, tonight the good action was lacking, too. I enjoy any time I get to see the MexiCools wrestle (especially if I don’t have to hear them talk), and their match was excellent (or at least the parts that made it to the show; I have no idea how much it was edited). The Benoit/Orton match was fine, although I wish I had seen the buildup to the finish. (The finish itself, with Sharmell getting Orton DQ’d, seems like a cheap end to a very long match, but I didn’t see it, so I can’t say for sure.) Then you had a couple decent matches that had the soul sucked out of them at the end: JBL vs. Hardy, with a special appearance by the Boogeyman; and Batista/Rey vs. MNM, with a heartbreaking appearance by Mark F. Henry. I honestly believe that in a match between Henry and Chris F. Masters, with the stipulation that the loser had to leave the company forever and the winner got to spend the next year as champion, I would root for Masters every day of the week. That’s how much I can’t stand Mark Henry. Oh well, at least it’s just a top-level feud with Batista…