So anyway, this is about my fourth Smackdown recap, and I am getting more comfortable in my skin here. I have been writing for years, and I have been watching wrestling for years, but I have never done much writing about wrestling, so this is new (and fun) for me.

would you?), I keep a blog over at http://www.jeffjsnider.com, which deals mostly with baseball (my first love). There is also some occasional Web development stuff, but it's mostly baseball.

I look forward to spending a long time here at Online Onslaught, and maybe if I am good enough, I can get into a petty little girl feud with one of the other writers like Canadian Bulldog and PyroFalkon have going on.

Let's get on with the show:

WWE leader and Smackdown theme, and we are live (taped) from the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia . That's weird, I was just watching a basketball game between the Sixers and Celtics, and it is taking place at the Wachovia Center right now, too! Who are you trying to fool, WWE? (Answer: no one, this week.)

Tonight: Michael Cole tells us that tonight will be a historic night, as we will have a new United States Champion crowned. That's because tonight, we will have the final match in the Best of Seven Series between Chris Benoit and the rest of the Smackdown roster. If Benoit wins tonight, he wins the title. If Randy Orton wins, Booker T wins the title.

Also Tonight: Roddy Piper is here for the Piper's Pit, with his special guest, the Boogeyman! Will it be a battle to see who can be the least comprehensible? The Battle of the Gibberish!

But first, Batista's music hits, and he is accompanied to the ring by Teddy Long. Batista looks emotional, and thanks to WWE.com, we all know why. I normally wouldn't transcribe a promo word-for-word, but this one seemed important so I did, and by the end I was glad, because it was pretty awesome:

On Sunday night, in a match against Mark Henry, I was inured. I've worked through injuries, but this is a severe injury that I will not be able to work through. It will require a surgery that will leave me sidelined indefinitely.

You know, when I first won the World Heavyweight Championship, a real good friend of mine named Paul told me to enjoy the ride. And Paul, I've enjoyed every second of this ride. Every time I walked through that curtain, it was the thrill of my life. I was proud to be champion -- I AM proud to be champion. I was proud to represent you people. I was proud to represent this company. It was my pride, my privilege, my honor to follow the great tradition of men like Ric Flair, the Nature Boy; Harley Race; Triple H; Dusty Rhodes, the American Dream, baby. It was my privilege to entertain you. I love you guys, and you will never know how much.

I always wanted to be the kind of champion to come out here and defend my title against whoever, no matter how big or how small, from Big Show to Eddie Guerrero. [The first of tonight's several "Eddie" chants erupts.] I love you Eddie. I love you and I miss you. But I am physically unable to do that, and I must -- as a great champion, I MUST -- do the right thing. [At this point, they show us, for the second time, a young lady in the crowd, probably in her early twenties, absolutely bawling. Her friend next to her is almost as upset.] I have no choice but to surrender the World Heavyweight Championship. [He kisses the belt and hands it to Teddy Long.]

Teddy, I want to tell you one thing, and I'm gonna steal a line from my mentor: to be the man, you gotta beat the man. Now hear what I'm saying: to be the man, you gotta beat the man. I know what you're planning to do with the World Heavyweight Championship, but I gotta say, and I want to say it to you, I want to say it to everyone else, and I want to say it to the next man who wears this belt: Teddy, I will be back. I will reclaim that title. I will be World Heavyweight Champion again!

With that, he drops the mic and his music plays.

[Let me interject here and tell you something that I love about Batista: the man can cut a promo. Go back and read what he said, and realize that I didn't change a single word. I didn't cut out any 'ummm's or 'uhhh's or 'I mean's. So either he is very smart and eloquent, or this was a very well-scripted and well-memorized promo. Or maybe both. But you know what? When he was talking, it didn't sound like a smart guy talking. It didn't sound scripted or memorized. Know what it sounded like? It sounded like a big tough guy who was sincerely heartbroken that he could no longer act as World Heavyweight Champion. I'm sure that's easier to pull off when you are just speaking the truth, but to look back and see how well-planned the entire promo was, it makes it absolutely remarkable how real he made it sound.]

Anyway, as Batista's music plays, he high-fives the entire front row all the way around the ring, stopping for hugs with Tazz, Cole, and Chimel. When he hits the top of the ramp, he bows to the crowd and gives them a standing ovation.

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Moments ago: You just read it, my friends.

During the break: Batista was walking backstage, and he shared hugs and handshakes with quite a few people, several of whom I recognized: Bobby Lashley, Animal, Jimmy Korderas, Josh Matthews, Arn Anderson (who gives him a pep talk, with Batista responding with several 'Yes sir's), and finally, Rey Mysterio. ReyRey tells Batista, "You're leaving me solo." Batista's response: "You don't need anybody. You can do it: World Heavyweight Champion." ReyRey seems incredulous, but he seems to start to believe that he really could win the title. They hug, and Batista leaves.

[I really dug the respect that Batista showed to Arn Anderson. Very classy, and whether it was his character or his real self, I think it makes him very likable.]

Back in the ring: Teddy Long is still in the ring, and he announces that tonight, there will be a Battle Royale, and the winner will be crowned the new World Heavyweight Champion.

Tazz and Cole are jazzed about getting two new champions in one night, and I realize that half of Smackdown's titles currently have no one holding them, and of the two that do have champions, one of the champs (Kid Kash) has a broken arm or something.

Video Package: As Tazz and Cole tell us that the Benoit/Orton match is next, we are shown the history of this series so far.

Backstage: Teddy Long is accosted by Randy Orton, who is excited about his opportunity to win the World Title tonight. Orton asks Long to postpone the match against Benoit so he can be at his best for the Battle Royale, and Teddy Long says that he will not postpone the match, and that furthermore, he and Benoit have one and only one match tonight, and that match is right now. So Orton and Benoit won't be in the Battle Royale, which means JBL is the only Smackdown superstar in the match who has actually held the title before.

Chris Benoit vs. Randy Orton (Final Match, Best of 7 Series)

Sharmell's music hits, and she comes down and introduces her man, Booker T. [I don't have anything against Sharmell, and I certainly don't have anything against women in general. But women with microphones? They gotta go. They get all screechy and screamy, and it just hurts my ears. Only two kinds of women sound good on the mic: the kind that never screams or tries to get too loud, so you can actually appreciate the sound of her voice (like Trish Stratus, and often Melina); and the kind that has a bit of a husky voice -- not manly, but deep and full enough that she can get loud without making the neighborhood dogs bark (Lillian Garcia has this huskiness). Sharmell? She falls into neither of these categories, so she needs to put the mic down.]

Anyway, once Booker has crutched his way to ringside, we head off for some…

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We're back, and Orton's music hits. Orton's chest is absolutely black-and-blue, bearing the marks of a feud with Chris Benoit and his chops. Benoit comes down looking intense, and referee Nick Patrick calls for the bell.

The first three minutes of the match consist of a lockup, dueling hammerlocks, and a front headlock or two. Finally, Benoit hangs Orton up on the top rope, and we have a little action. Booker raises a crutch to Benoit in a gesture of warning, and Benoit notices that Patrick is checking on Orton. So as Patrick turns around, Benoit takes a page out of Eddie's book, going down as if Booker had hit him with the crutch. Patrick falls for it, and he ejects Booker and Sharmell from ringside. As the crowd has another "Eddie" chant, we go to…

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When we get back, Orton has a front headlock on Benoit, then into another hammerlock. Benoit fights out with a couple hard elbows to Orton's face, the second of which knocks Orton onto the bottom rope, in perfect 619 position. Unfortunately, his opponent is Chris Benoit, not Rey Mysterio. Another tie-up ends with Orton on top of Benoit in a move that, when I was a wrestler in high school, was called the Saturday Night Ride. Benoit reverses that into an attempted crossface, which Orton then reverses into a scissorlock and a read-naked choke. Benoit goes for another crossface, Orton rolls through, and he walks right into his first chop of the night from Benoit. And his second. Orton rakes Benoit's eyes, then takes his third chop. As Benoit tries to follow up, Orton pulls him forward into the corner, "shoulder first into the ring post." [I put that in quotes because, for the second time this week, WWE is the victim of a terrible camera angle. You see, Benoit's shoulder came no closer than four inches away from the post, maybe more like six or eight. It was obvious from the original camera angle, and then they showed that same angle in slow motion. I said this was the second time this week: If you still have Monday's Raw on tape or DVR, go back and watch as Shawn Michaels superkicks Daivari at the end of the Michaels/Angle vs. Masters/Carlito match. Michaels' foot misses Daivari's head by a good six inches. At least the superkick happens so fast that it isn't nearly as noticeable as a phantom shoulder to the ring post.]

Anyway, Orton throws Benoit back in the ring, and Benoit comes back with chops four through six. Orton puts Benoit in yet another headlock, and we get a replay of the shoulder to the ring post from a much better angle (meaning, "an angle that it looks like Benoit's shoulder hit the ring post"). Orton's headlock gets a two count on Benoit, who rolls over and gets a two count of his own. Both men are up, and we have some backy forthy that ends with Orton standing on the ring apron. Benoit helps him back in with a suplex, which gets another two count. Benoit sits Orton on the top turnbuckle, and he kindly delivers chops seven through eleven. Benoit goes for the superplex, which Orton blocks, but three headbutts from Benoit send Orton crashing down into the barricade. Orton is out, and we head off for some more…

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Back, and Benoit is going for a sharpshooter. Orton battles out, and he drops a knee on Benoit's shoulder. Benoit, from his back, hits chops twelve through fourteen, and Orton gets tired of it and jumps on him, delivering a steady stream of fists to the face.

Orton ends up with another headlock on Benoit, who is constantly trying to put the crossface on. Orton eventually hits a standing dropkick for a two count. After fighting out of another chokehold, Benoit lands chops fifteen through eighteen, then hits an elbow drop. A fisherman's suplex (which I will always call the Perfect Plex) gets a two count, so Benoit hits eight more chops, bringing the total to twenty-six. After a rake to the eyes slows Benoit down, he recovers and locks in the sharpshooter, which he holds for about 30 seconds until Orton reaches the ropes.

Benoit follows this up with a hat trick of Germans, then slashes his throat. He goes up top, but Orton moves out of the way of the flying headbutt. Both men take a while to recover, then Benoit hits his twenty-seventh chop of the match. He is going for another sharpshooter, but Orton kicks out, knocking Benoit into Nick Patrick. The ref is down, and the fun begins.

Our first interference comes from Orlando Jordan, who hits the ring as Orton is stalking Benoit for an RKO. Orton quickly dispatches O.J., but it gives Benoit enough time to reverse the attempted RKO into a crossface. Booker T hits the ring, and Benoit releases the crossface and ducks a swinging crutch. Benoit sends Booker out of the ring, and Orton tries another RKO. This one is also reversed into a crossface, and Orton taps, but the ref is still down. Benoit goes over to rouse Patrick, then goes back and locks the crossface back in. Booker lands the title belt to Benoit's head, and as the ref wakes up, Orton covers Benoit for the 1-2-3.

Your winner: Randy Orton. Your new U. S. Champion: Booker T.

[From bell to bell, counting commercials, this match was 28 minutes and 9 seconds long. It was definitely methodical, downright slow at times. But it was also very intense, and there was some pretty good psychology going on. Could it have been cut down by five minutes or so and made a little bit better? Sure. But overall, it was a pretty darn good 28-minute match]

After the match: Booker celebrates with Sharmell, and Orton reminds Booker that he owes him.

Backstage: Roddy Piper runs into Jillian Hall and JBL, and JBL informs Piper that he, not the Boogeyman, should be Piper's guest. After a whole bunch of rambling, Piper appears to agree.

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Video package: The mayor of El Paso presented Eddie Guerrero's family with the "Star on the Mountain Award." This is the first time I have seen Vicki since Eddie's death, and she seems to be doing pretty well. She seems very proud to have been Eddie's wife.

Back in the arena: The crowd has another "Eddie" chant going.

The Piper's Pit

Piper tells us that his first Piper's Pit was here in Philly, 22 years ago. As he is about to introduce his guest, JBL's music hits, and the limo approaches. [JBL does, for the third week in a row, a goofy little dance on his way to the ring. Tazz calls it a two-step, and maybe it is, but it looks like some sort of Irish jig to me. And honestly, every time I see a fat guy in underwear, a windbreaker, and a cowboy hat doing a silly dance, I am reminded of my desperate attempts to amuse family and friends during my teenage years. Ah, the things we do for acceptance.] When JBL hits the ring, Piper informs him that it is courteous to wait until he is announced to make his entrance. JBL starts babbling on about how he will win the Battle Royale tonight, and he criticized Batista for giving up, recounting the dozens of injuries he suffered during his championship reign -- the longest in Smackdown history, we are reminded.

Piper tries to ask a question, but JBL interrupts him and keeps rambling. The same thing happens a second time, and Piper eventually starts fake-snoring into his microphone. JBL refers to himself as a wrestling GOD, and then asks Piper what his question was. Piper turns to Jillian and says, "What is dying on the side of your face there?" He riffs for a while, including, "It has more hair on it than George 'The Animal' Steele's bum."

JBL is pissed about this, and Piper tells him to shut up, then announces his REAL guest: the Boogeyman. Boogey breaks his clock and convulses down to the ring, where JBL pushes Jillian at him and bails. Boogey sniffs Jillian's growth and, when he decides he likes the smell, starts licking it. Tazz: "I'm gonna upchuck." Boogey apparently liked the taste, too, because he then bites it off her face. He plays with it for a while, then starts chewing it up and eating it.

Boogey boogies towards Piper, who is saying Hail Marys in the corner of the ring. Boogey then gets bored, and he shakes and shimmies back up the ramp, all the while chewing Jillian's fake growth.

Backstage: Mark Henry, Jonny Nitro, and Joey Mercury receive a pep talk from Melina, who is pleased with Batista's departure and optimistic about her team's chance of winning the big gold tonight.

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Earlier tonight: Batista surrendered the title.

20-Man Battle Royale (for the World Heavyweight Championship)

The ring is filling pretty quickly. On the graphic they have been showing, there were 17 men pictured. In no particular order other than the order in which I remember them, they are: Johnny Nitro, Joey Mercury, Mark Henry, Bobby Lashley, Matt Hardy, Animal, Super Crazy, Psicosis, Paul London, Brian Kendrick, Sylvan, William Regal, Paul Burchill, Rey Mysterio, Orlando Jordan, Simon Dean, and JBL. That leaves three spots, two of which go to Vito and Nunzio. I'm not sure why they weren't on the graphic.

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When we get back, we see who the final entrant in the Battle Royale is (as if we didn't already know): Kurt Angle (with Daivari). Tazz and Cole are shocked, and JBL wants a piece of Angle right away. Angle obliges, and hits him with a German. Angle follows this up with a clothesline over the top rope, and JBL is the first man eliminated from the Battle Royale!

From here on, I won't try to play-by-play much until the end. But I will tell you who got eliminated, by whom, and in what order:

Vito -- eliminated by Angle (throw)
Animal -- eliminated by Mark Henry (clothesline)

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During the break: Simon Dean -- eliminated by Regal and Burchill (back-bodydrop)

Back "Live":

Nunzio -- eliminated by Mercury and Nitro (Snapshot)
Orlando -- eliminated by Angle (throw)
Regal -- eliminated by Angle (throw)
Burchill -- eliminated by Angle (belly-to-belly suplex)

At this point, Mark Henry throws Angle through the ropes, not over, and down to the floor. Henry goes after him, again not over the ropes, and slams his lower back into the ring apron.

London -- eliminated by Lashley (throw)
Psicosis -- eliminated by Lashley (throw)

Mark Henry is clearing the announce table, and Angle comes over for a fight. He tries to German suplex Henry through the table, but Henry is too fat, and he rams Angle's back into the ring again. Henry then military presses Angle and tosses him down through the table.

At this point, I notice that Super Crazy is no longer in the match, though I never saw him eliminated. All we have left on the inside is Hardy, Kendrick, Sylvan, Mercury, Nitro, Lashley, Mysterio, and Henry, with Angle on the outside.

Lashley -- eliminated by Henry (hung up on top rope, kick to chest/face)
Kendrick -- eliminated by Henry (throw)

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Sylvan -- eliminated by Hardy (throw over top rope, Twist of Fate on apron)
Hardy -- eliminated by Henry (attempted Twist of Fate reversed into throw)
Nitro -- eliminated by Mysterio (headscissors on attempted Snapshot)
Mercury -- eliminated by Mysterio (hurricanrana of sorts)

It's just Rey and Henry left in the ring, and Rey looks scared. The crowd gives us some "Eddie" chants to fire Rey up. He hits a couple dropkicks, eventually dropping Henry down into 619 position. The 619 hits, and Henry stumbles to the other side of the ring, where Mysterio hits another one, this time in the gut. Rey jumps on Henry's back and ends up on the apron. Rey tries to drop the dime, but Henry catches him and throws him out of the ring.

As Cole and Tazz proclaim Henry as the winner (despite the fact that Angle is lying right in front of them), Angle gets up and says, "You ain't done with me yet, Mark Henry." He hits the ring and lands about a dozen punches to Henry's face and an uppercut bicep to the chin. Angle goes off the ropes, but Henry hits him with both forearms in the face. Henry picks up Angle to toss him out, but Angle wiggles free and hits the Angle Slam. The crowd loves it, and we get some Angle chants.

Henry is up, and he hits Angle with a splash in the corner, then another. Henry puts Angle on the top turnbuckle, but Angle was playing possum, and he locks the headscissors on Henry. Angle is trying to pull Henry out of the ring, but Henry picks him up and powerbombs him in the middle of the ring.

Henry Irish whips Angle, who ducks a clothesline and hits a German suplex on the World Strongest Piece of Crap. [This looked painful, and Angle barely got Henry off the ground, and then Henry landed on Angle's face.] Angle locks in the front headlock, and Henry lifts him over the top rope onto the apron. Angle holds onto the headlock, and Henry starts to come over the rope, but then he powers up and puts Angle back on the top turnbuckle. Angle locks in the headscissors again, this time just letting himself drop so all of his weight is pulling on Henry. Eventually, Henry comes over, and the momentum drops both men to the floor, but Henry's feet clearly hit first.

Your winner, and new World Heavyweight Champion: Kurt Angle!

After the match: Angle celebrates, and the crowd goes wild. And we're out.

[Like almost all Battle Royales, this was a lot of fun. Hiding Mark Henry in a match with 19 other guys is a pretty safe thing to do, and he was able to be a monster without it being too obvious that he is a monster with no wrestling skills.]

Analysis:

It is hard to tell how good this Smackdown could have been. As a wrestling fan with the Internet, I had no choice but to be spoiled, so I knew, along with everyone else watching at home, that Angle was going to win the championship. And let's face it, that definitely decreased the fun, and the surprise, and the suspense.

What WWE should have done is publicized the fact that Batista was hurt, that he was surrendering the title, and that there would be a Battle Royale on Friday night to crown a new champ. Basically, everything except telling us that Kurt Angle would make a surprise appearance and then win it all. Are there people who might watch just because they know Angle is going to be on? Sure. Do those people outnumber the ones who would think, "Well, I already know who is going to win, so maybe I will go on a date this Friday"? Or the ones to might be more drawn to the guarantee of two new champions in one night, without knowing who they are? I doubt it.

When Batista had his little pep-talk with Rey backstage, you got the feeling that Rey really could win the title. And hopefully, they will build on that in the near future and give Rey a push. But for tonight, there was no suspense, because we all knew Rey couldn't win. If we hadn't known Angle was going to win, we would have believed that Rey could find a way to eliminate Mark Henry, then go one-on-one with Angle. Heck, it hasn't been that long since Rey eliminated Angle last in a Battle Royale . But as it was, we knew that Angle was going to win, and we guessed that meant that he would beat Henry, since WWE seems intent on pushing him in a title feud. Hence, no suspense or hope for Rey.

Was anything better because we all knew Kurt was going to show up and win the title? Well, there are those few people who showed up just to watch Kurt. And there is the simple fact that we never had to wonder, "WWE wouldn't put the title on Mark Henry tonight, would they?" But those positives don't outweigh, in my mind, the negatives. I firmly believe that the promise of a Battle Royale for the newly surrendered title would have drawn in at least as many new eyes as spoiling the whole show, and it would have made the show those eyes showed up to see a lot more fun.

Other than that, a pretty good show. Only two matches, but they filled up about a full hour, which is as much wrestling as we can ever hope for. Add in ten or fifteen minutes for Batista, and WWE did a pretty good job filling a lot of time with good stuff. There was the stupid Boogeyman stuff, of course, but that was it for the silly. Thumbs up.