Last week: Randy Orton screwed both Rey Mysterio and Kurt Angle, and he even managed to get them attacking each other. He really is a mastermind.

Cold open, promo-style: We start with Mysterio coming down to the ring, where he grabs a mic and informs us that he wants to face Orton tonight, to prove once and for all that he belongs in the Wrestlemania main event. Rey asks Teddy to make the match, but before Teddy can show up, Angle has a thing or two to say about it. You see, it turns out Angle doesn't like Orton either, so he thinks it should be HIM kicking the snot out of young Randall this evening. Rey's all “nuh-uh,” and Kurt's like “uh-huh.”

Orton comes out to the top of the ramp and teases us all, saying maybe we should have a handicap match: Orton vs. Kurt and Rey. Then Randy changes his tune and says, “Nevermind, I'm just gonna go hop on a plane to Chicago . See you Sunday.”

That brings out Teddy Long, who starts bickering with Orton. This somehow leads to some bickering between Rey and Angle, and Orton suddenly decides that maybe the two of them should just face each other. Kurt and Rey are both up for it, and Teddy makes the match. Teddy then decides that it is a good idea that Orton just leave, and he has security escort him out of the building.

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During the break: Orton was unhappy that he wouldn't be around to see his Mania opponents beat each other up. On the bright side, we did get to hear him say, “Where's my freaking rent-a-car?”

Chris Benoit vs. Animal

Animal comes down with a mic, telling us all that it is an embarrassment that there isn't room on the Wrestlemania card for a legend like himself. He plans to beat Benoit tonight to prove that he belongs.

Thankfully, WWE isn't dumb enough to let Animal back up that pledge. Instead, he jobs to Benoit in less than two minutes, getting a grand total of zero offense in and looking at least a half-step slow on everything. I swear, it took Benoit twice as long as usual to his the Hat Trick o' Germans, because Animal was so slow getting up after each one. The match ends when Animal pulls out the brass knuckles and goes for the punch, which Benoit ducks and locks in the crossface. Tap tap tapperoo.

Your winner: Chris Benoit (1:59)

[By the way, what's the deal with Animal's name? Tony Chimel still refers to him as Road Warrior Animal, but Cole and Tazz are just calling him Road Warrior the last two weeks or so. Weird.]

Backstage: JBL confronts Benoit and reminds him that just like he beat Eddie to take his title a couple years ago, he will beat Benoit this Sunday. Oh no you didn't! As the crowd chants for Eddie, Benoit tells JBL he's glad his hand has healed, because he will need it for tapping at Wrestlemania.

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JBL vs. Daniel Cross

Cole informs us that Cross is 0-4 in his professional career, and Tazz says that means he's due for a win. What he's actually due for is to make Animal's job look like it lasted a little longer. The only reason it took as long as it did is that JBL took the time to his a second Clothesline from Hell.

Your winner: JBL (0:43)

[Somehow, in this day and age, seeing a star squash a nobody just isn't as impressive as it used to be. Tazz and Cole still sold it like it makes JBL look dangerous, but it seemed like a waste of time to me. At least it was only 43 seconds.]

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Booker T vs. Paul Burchill

No offense, WWE, but here's what we know going into this match: a) Burchill is only a few weeks into a new push and hasn't lost yet; b) Booker hasn't had a non-Boogey-tainted match in about a dozen years; and c) neither of those things are gonna change tonight.

We barely have time to get started, as Boogey's music hits exactly 1:25 after the opening bell. Booker immediately leaves the ring to confront Boogey, and when he doesn't appear immediately, Booker goes around to check under the ring. Of course, Boogey comes out from the OTHER side of the ring, and for the first time in this feud, we have physical contact~! Of course, it is just Boogey abducting Sharmell. Then we have the very amusing task of watching Booker pretending to be rushing after them, but having to slow down repeatedly because Boogey is taking way too long to get up the ramp.

Finally, the ref calls for the bell, because apparently this ten count took exactly 1:23 to count.

Your winner: Paul Burchill (Countout, 2:48, longest match of the night~!)

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During the break: Booker looked for Sharmell.

Lashley/Hardy/Tatanka vs. Finlay/MNM

This match has three stages:

Stage 1: Lashley dominates all three heels.

Stage 2: Tatanka plays your slow-moving face-in-peril.

Stage 3: A pier 6 brawl leads to Lashley destroying everyone and Hardy picking up the scraps to hit the Twist of Fate and get the pin.

Your winners: The Good Guys (6:13)

[Tazz and Cole are selling Hardy as the odds-on favorite in the Money in the Bank match, since he has been in so many ladder matches before. Of course, we all know that Hardy has absolutely zero chance of winning, but at least they are taking steps to make it seem like he belongs in the match. I still believe that Animal will eliminate Hardy from the match.

One minor issue with this match: Lashley and Hardy showed no awareness that they are both in this ladder match this weekend. No animosity. Hugs after the match. Lashley didn't even care when Hardy pantomimed climbing a ladder and grabbing a suitcase. Huh.]

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Mark Henry does what he does best: Not Wrestle

Henry is dressed in a big ol' suit, and he comes down to sort of eulogize the Undertaker. He lists all 13 of Taker's Wrestlemania victims (well, 12, because he beat Kane twice). Then he let's us know that he will not be number 14.

[Henry was giving off a bit of a Reverend D-Von vibe here, and it wasn't half bad. The format of the promo lent itself to having his lines written in front of him, just as he would for a real eulogy, so he hardly stumbled at all. Overall, with not wrestling and not messing up his lines, this is the most I have enjoyed Henry since the time he tipped over the car a few years ago.]

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Video package: It had something to do with Candice. I skipped it. Every time I see her, I feel bad for her, because she doesn't realize that we are all laughing at the GoDaddy dance.

MexiCools vs. Jamie Noble and Kid Kash

Noble and Kash start out in control for the first three minutes, with the Mexis getting literally no offense in. Psicosis finally hits a dropkick and a hot tag, and the Mexis take over. Psicosis takes out Kash with some sort of flipping hilo or something, and Super Crazy does one of the coolest moves I have ever seen. It is, when you think about it, EXACTLY the same as Burchill's flippy Rock Bottom move -- except that it happens from the top turnbuckle! Absolutely amazing, and of course it gets the pin.

Your winners: The MexiCools (4:58)

[With Helms hurt and the announcers making it clear that he has an injury clause that protects him from having to defend the title, this match didn't have much overall purpose, and for a pointless match, it was pretty methodical. But that last move by Crazy was SO cool that it takes all my complaints away.]

Backstage: Booker is looking for Sharmell and steps on some worms.

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Still backstage: Booker is still looking, and there are still worms. He eventually finds Sharmell, and she is surrounded by worms. It's like Indiana Jones, except that this is freaking WORMS ! I hate this storyline.

Wrestlemania lineup rundown

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Rey Mysterio vs. Kurt Angle

Part of me can't get past how easily Kurt and Rey allow themselves to be manipulated by Orton. It reminds me of how Locke and Jack allow Henry Gale to turn them against each other. [Yes, I just admitted to watching Lost. What are you gonna do about it, Rick? I actually believe that the writers of the show have the end in mind and are building towards it, and I think that Rick has just become embittered by the WWE writers, who really DO just throw crap at the wall and see what sticks. As long as we're making admissions, let me just say that I also watch and enjoy American Idol, and I thought Carrie deserved to win last year (although I think Bo is pretty awesome, too). I think those are the only two shows I watch that would cause Rick to advice me to walk into traffic, but I ain't afraid to admit it. And honestly, as long as we both understand that 24 is THE BEST show on television, we can probably still be friends.]

So anyway, while part of me is annoyed, the bigger part of me remembers that THIS is the match I would pay $40 to see at Wrestlemania, so I might as well enjoy it.

For the first several minutes, things are pretty even, with Rey and Kurt both having some success. Then Kurt slams Rey's back against the barricade outside, and we go to our final...

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When we get back, Angle is still in control, and he will maintain that for a while. Eventually, Rey overcomes the size disadvantage and takes control with some little guy offense, including one VERY close two count. This makes Angle mad, and he hits a wicked release German on Rey. Angle then goes for the Angle Slam, but Rey rolls through, at which point Angle locks in the Ankle Lock. Rey kicks Angle in the head and goes for the 619, but Angle catches Rey's legs and locks in the Ankle Lock again. Rey has no choice but to tap.

Your winner: Kurt Angle (15:22)

After the match: Orton, of course, did not really leave, and if Al Qaeda ever watches a WWE show, they will know where to target their next attack, because honestly, ANYONE can get into the building, apparently. Orton hits the RKO on Rey, then grabs a mic and tells Angle that he will get one too. Angle goes back to the ring, where Orton goes for an RKO, but Angle reverses it into an Ankle Lock. We end with Angle's music, Angle posing in the corner, and both other guys down and out.

[Final analysis: the Angle/Mysterio match was pretty darn good, although not as good as it would be if it was given 25 minutes on the grandest stage of all. Seeing Angle on top at the end of the show pretty much guaranteed that he will lose the title this weekend, which would be a good thing if I thought Rey was going to win.

The rest of the show: meh. We ended up with a total of 32:03 of actual wrestling, which means the first four matches averaged about four minutes each. And of those matches, only the six-man tag even had anything to do with Wrestlemania, and all they did with that was try to tout Matt Hardy as the probably winner.

Any show that ends with Angle vs. Mysterio and features no wrestling by Mark Henry is a good one. (Well, NO show actually features wrestling by Mark Henry, but this one didn't even pretend to.)

Let's cross our fingers for a surprisingly good Wrestlemania this weekend!]