Recently, we received a fair amount of “heat” on a certain wrestling website for refusing to subscribe to the belief that the first instalment of ECW on Sci-Fi qualified as the “worst piece of wrestling ever televised.”

While hardly perfect, we never once found ourselves embarrassed to be a wrestling fan during that broadcast. It wasn’t the “old ECW”, but it was never supposed to be.

 
Reviews poured in with scores of 0.0, each proclaiming ECW as dead. Conspiracy theorists insisted the resurrection of ECW was the McMahons’ way of tarnishing or expunging the storied history of Philadelphia’s rebel wrestling promotion. (Which makes complete sense from a financial standpoint, does it not?)

With little end to the criticism in sight, we began to question our own ability - as wrestling fans - to identify the difference between what was good in wrestling and what was not.

Naturally, doubt set in and the belief that perhaps we were wrong grew stronger.

Driven by insecurity, Nathan penned a retraction that would hopefully regain the acceptance and respect of our fellow Internet wrestling “fans”:

I would like to formerly give the show a 1.0. I didn’t take into consideration that matches have to be over 15 minutes to properly take advantage of ring psychology, so I could not have possibly enjoyed it. I was probably enjoying something else at the same time the show was on and grew confused.

Again, I apologize.

We were one mouse click away from submitting our letter of apology when it struck us; we were overlooking one valuable resource: our MySpace friends.

Quickly, we sent messages out to friends such as T-Bone, Gordo, “The Real” Jeff Gordon, and GOD, asking them if we were wrong in our appraisal of ECW’s first episode on Sci-Fi.

It took a few hours - odd considering each appeared as online now - but the responses began filtering in. Every reply supported our initial belief - that the new ECW was not the worst piece of wrestling ever televised. In fact, it wasn’t all that bad, either.

GOD even mentioned that it was one of his guilty pleasures, so if GOD liked ECW, then why couldn’t we?

Anyway, that’s enough of our preamble…on to the recap!

The show opens with The Miz attempting to energize the crowd with a series of visceral grunts. My apathy towards The Miz is quickly replaced by a need to inflict on him a swift, stern curb stomping. Hoorah?

The Miz, to the uninitiated, is a graduate of MTV’s The Real World and WWE’s Tough Enough. His overly obnoxious, Ryan Seacrest gimmick would ALMOST qualify as an effective parody on current celebrity if it were just that - a gimmick. But methinks The Miz on screen is not wholly separate from The Miz off screen.

So to prevent Raw from cornering the market on vapid personalities completely devoid of original thought, let’s reintroduce The Miz as Smackdown’s own version of Boobies McTitsalot - Douchey O’Pantload.

Announced for this show: King Booker takes on YOUR US Champion bOOby Lashley, while Rey Mysterio looks to extend his dominant reign as World Champion against The World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry. And if (Kevin Nash) Rey Rey’s run as champion has taught us anything, it’s that a good big man will always beat a good little man. Probably.

As replays show us, there is dissention within the ranks of the Mexicools stemming from a painful run-in with the Great Khali. Painful for Super Crazy as Psychosis decided it would be in his own best interest to vacate the ring.

JBL defends Psychosis’s decision, claiming it was simple asset management. And if anyone understands asset management, it’s JBL. Certainly not WWE as they have managed to shift most of Smackdown’s assets elsewhere. Brand extension! Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap!

As for the match - typical back and forth action you’d expect from these four cruiserweights. Finish comes with Psychosis tagging himself into the match just as Super Crazy was attempting his moonsault on to a prone Brian Kendrick. Unfortunately, Psychosis’s attempts at heroics backfire, as he misses his dive, allowing Spanky to gain the pinfall and retain the titles.

After the match, Super Crazy’s frustration with Psychosis boils over into a Tijuana Tequila fistfight! Crazy gets the better of the exchange and leaves his former partner lying in the ring, exiting to a smattering of cheers.

I never thought we would see The Mexicools Explode!

Tatanka enters first and Michael Cole is quick to point out that Tatanka recently became a member of the Lakota tribe. For Canadians, I guess we can expect to see him on TV hawking pain medication. Never mind.

Simon Dean is out next, much to Cole’s surprise. Dean lashes out at Tatanka and Native Indians alike, reminding them of when the Pilgrims landed on Mt. Rushmore. Cole challenges the accuracy of that statement, but if Stephen Colbert has taught us anything - and I believe he has - it’s that as an American, it’s your RIGHT to believe that to be true. Think about it. I know he hasn’t.

Right as the match was picking up, the Great Khali and Daivari interrupt. Tatanka assumes Khali has violent intentions and takes the offensive with a series of chops and kicks. His offence is short lived as Khali proceeds to destroy both Tatanka and Simon Dean. The exclamation point comes when Khali mimics the Undertaker by crossing Simon Dean’s arms and sticking out his tongue. Oh, it’s on now!

The Rick may not recap recaps, but dammit, we do! OK, so we’re to believe Mark Henry likes hurting people. And he’s quite good at it. And when he meets Rey Mysterio, he’s going to split him open to the white meat. Huh. I think if it was the other way around, and Rey threatened to split him open to the dark meat, people might have a problem with that. Maybe.

Anyway, according to JBL, this is something you see in a movie that’s not real. But it is real. Except it’s professional wrestling which kind of isn’t real. Who’s confused?

Well, it’s back to the action!

Finlay is out first and is immediately greeted by crushed Guinness cans (complete with widgets) from underneath the ring. We can only guess who’s responsible for this litter.

Gunner Scott is out next and as speeds to the ring, pardon me if my first reaction wasn’t, “It’s Ah Bobby ROOOOOODE”.

Cole and JBL quickly mention that Finlay owns a non-title win over Mysterio. Hey, there’s an exclusive club!

The match itself is a stiff affair as Finlay punishes Scott from the onset. Even the Irishman’s chin lock looks stiff (take notes Randall). A couple minutes into the action, Finlay’s little friend - Li’l Bastard - decides it is time to get involved, much to the chagrin of Finlay. After jostling with his shillelagh, Finlay manages to remove the tiny one from the ring (not before Cole machine-guns the word bastard a million times over). In all the confusion, Finlay strikes Gunner Scott with the originall shillelagh, securing the victory.

This match was just a tremendous amount of fun to watch. Finlay’s character is a perfect blend of legitimate toughness and oddball humour. Li’l Bastard’s appearance earns the nod for most spirited performance by a little person this week.

Backstage Segment: Big Vito catches up to Ashley backstage and comments on how sexy she is. Despite wearing a dress, he’s apparently all man. The two walk off to discuss beauty tips, disgusting JBL to no end.

I guess the burial of Matt Hardy continues, right? Now his lady friend is being won over by a guy in a tight dress.

Michael Cole interviews Chavo about Mysterio’s chances tonight against Mark Henry. Chavo (wince), despite being on the business end of a Mark Henry whoopin’ (wince), truly believes (wince) Rey Rey can prevail (double wince). And he’s not the only Guerrero who thinks so (Look up. Wince. Repeat).

It’s Mark Henry’s path of destruction…in his own words. More splitting people open to the white meat.

William Regal appears on stage to ensure Booker T receives an entrance fit for a king. He is, after all, royalty.

Surprisingly solid twenty minute match between King Booker and Lashley, with Lashley quite over with the fans in attendance. Booker dominates during the early and middle portions of the contest, focusing his energy on Lashley’s injured knee. Just to ensure Booker prevails, Regal calls out his old friend Finlay (minus Li’l Bastard) to ringside for a little added assistance.

As the tide turns in Lashley’s favour, Sharmell introduces a steel chair into the ring after Finlay attempts once again to interfere. Lashley fights off Finlay and Booker, then reacquaints Regal and Booker with the steel chair. I wonder if he wanted to split their skulls to the white meat? I’d say so.

Douchey is out next to remind us that later tonight Rey Mysterio will defend (read: not exactly lose) the World Title against Mark Henry. Mercifully, Ken Kennedy’s music plays, cutting off vacuous ramblings. Hoo-rah! Leading us to…

Mr. Kennedy takes over his own ring introductions to make sure they’re done properly. He’s a star.

I believe this is what the Internet crowd refers to as a “showcase” match. Or is it a squash? Regardless, Mr. Kennedy-Kennedy’s aggression makes short work of Funaki. Was it ever in doubt?

Typical (albeit entertaining) bluster from King Booker and Sharmell as they complain about having to face bOOby Lashley next week in a rematch. Theodore Long announces the two will compete…inside a steel cage. I can dig it. I think.

Bats claims, “Until you beat me, you will never be the man.” Sounds like an awkward take on Ric Flair’s motto, doesn’t it? Splitting hairs.

Michael Cole feels compelled to point out that Mark Henry ALSO has a non-title victory over Rey Mysterio.

Another domination OF the World Champion as opposed to BY the World Champion. Mark Henry overpowers Mysterio, brushing off any offence Rey tries to establish. Chavo Guerrero runs in while the referee is unconscious and delivers a chop block to Henry’s knees, saving Mysterio from a potential power bomb.

Chavo - borrowing a trick from Uncle Eddie - strikes a steel chair against the ring post and hands it to Henry. As the referee is regaining consciousness, Chavo instructs Rey to lay still. As planned, Nick Patrick sees Henry with the chair and promptly disqualifies the challenger.

Well, it’s another edition of Smackdown and another dominating performance by the World Title…challenger. The baffling burial of the champion continues as Mysterio’s reign borders on comical. His built-in program with Batista should be entertaining and will provide an appropriate opportunity for him to (finally) drop the title.

As for the rest of the show? Certainly not a homerun, but it didn’t have to be. Batista’s return in two weeks gives viewers something to look forward to, an aspect that is too often absence from Smackdown. Finlay and his sidekick continue to entertain - thus proving midgets are funny. We also couldn’t complain about the Booker/Lashley match. Though it lacked a decisive ending (which will always irk some people), it lends itself to a bigger payoff next week. Hopefully.

Anyway, a new friend request has just come in from “ECW Paul”. Apparently he wants to meet the two people who actually rated last week’s ECW show above a 0.0.