“Lady In The Water”. Good God, what to do.
 

On the one hand, everything M. Night Shyamalan has ever done makes me want to stick my head in the oven. On the other hand, he was on Howard Stern this week and was just about as charming a guest as could be. Also, the film stars Paul Giamatti, himself no stranger to awesomeness (‘American Splendour’ is so friggin’ great I may stop this Precap right now to go and watch it. There. I 

Teddy Long is already in the ring, and we wait with baited breath for what can only be considered a major announcement. Theodore helpfully tells us that Mark Henry won’t be at the pay per View, having snapped his kneecap in two by attempting the insanely dangerous move of….well……running slowly towards a turnbuckle. [Cough]

This apparently means that Batista is going to SummerSlam as the #1 contender. But wait!

It’s Misssstttteerrrrrrrrr KENNEDY!

Kennedy brings the star power to the ring, gets his dim light microphone treatment and lays down the challenge to Batista. Batista heads to the ring in his weird “Suit with wife beater underneath’ look. He accepts the match. They don’t shake hands.

Kennedy!

And there ya have it folks! A PPV main event booked in full on fast food style!

Which gives us our first

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Man, Kid Kash rules. Rules. Even with his new stupid haircut and dog collar. Rules.

Anyway.

JBL lets us know that the two respective teams these guys represent will meet for the Tag Titles on Sunday, and then manages to do a great job of putting them over. Say what you will about the abrasiveness of JBL on commentary, but he’s doing his damndest to make us care about the undercard wrestlers, and at one point calls Paul London and Brian Kendrick “as talented as anyone in this company”. Triple H hears this and writes a pissy note to Stephanie. Probably.

Pretty good match, with all sorts of chainy-flippy shit, and a solid story being told about an attack on the leg of Kendrick. Spanky brings the great selling, and the crowd seems to be digging these two. Finish comes when Noble leaps up on the apron, which leads to a bit of the old struggling, which leads to Paul London getting involved with the ref, distracting him from seeing Noble help Kash land the brainbuster for the three.

Teddy Long is talking to Chavo Guerrero about coming out of retirement. Is there anyone on the Planet that gives a shit about this storyline? Anyone? Luckily for us, King Booker (My God they missed the boat on this one. He should have been Royal T) shows up, goofs on Rey, and generally treats Chavo like the complete afterthought the writers should be treating him as. He tells Teddy that he wants Mysterio. TONIGHT!

Long says he’ll consider it, Chavo gets all huffy, and we cut to:

Ashley talking to Jillian. They have a match, and unfortunately it’s next.

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Teddy Long is talking to Mysterio and Chavo. Mysterio says he’ll face Booker tonight, and Chavo keeps with the huffy. The PPV main event on free TV, eh? We’ll see.

Michelle and Jillian kick this one off, and Jillian even manages to hit some neato cartwheel elbow thingy. That name is trademarked by me, incidentally.

Anyway, you don’t care what went on here, and neither do I. Let’s just accept that it wasn’t as bad as you’d think, but nowhere near as good as you want it to be.

Finish comes when Jillian rips off Kristal’s shirt, and Ashley rolls her up for the three count. Awesome?

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And we’re back Folks! I’d like to point out that we’ve had a good potion of the show already, and have yet to hear one “Hoorah!”. Nice.

[Highlights of the Great American Bash press conference are shown. It is horribly, horribly boring]

Khali and Daivari are in the ring, and are all “The Punjabi Prison Match is the WORST! You can only win by escape! But you won’t escape! ‘Cause it’s the WORST!”

Then we see a highlight package of their match at Judgment day, which manages to be about 12 times better than the actual match at Judgment Day.

The highlights end, and Daivari and Khali celebrate their evilness by laughing. The crowd falls asleep. Maybe.

May as well bring the

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And then, proving the old adage of “You spoke too soon”, we’re backstage, with the Miz. Apparently not content with being the SmackDown Ryan Seacrest, he’s now become the SmackDown Maria. Sigh. He introduces Lashley, who appears to be on a sedative of some sort. Anyway, Miz says something, and then Lashley mumbles “Finlay’s not the only one that loves to fight” before fucking off to the ring. Burn?

Now this is ace. We start with some stalling on Finlay’s part, who does the chicken shit heel routine of pretending he’s hurt, and then cheap shotting the former champ. They grapple for a bit, and do some amateur style stuff that would make the Impact Zone moist. The reason Finlay kicks so much ass, is that everything he does looks like it might hurt. This guy puts so much effort into his moveset, that he actually looks like he’s involved in a fight. And that’s great.

The match keeps going with lots of headlocks and armbars, but in a good “Wow this is physical” way as opposed to a “Another fucking chinlock? Dammit Randall, do more cardio!” way. JBL is great on commentary here, managing to bury Lashley to the point that you feel compelled to root for him, and at one point comparing Finlay to David Letterman. Seriously.

Finlay keeps the advantage with a series of nasty looking leg locks, until we get the big Lashley hope spot in the form of a Gorilla Press.

And then it happens.

Regal runs in and distracts the ref, and we have….. THE LITTLE BASTARD!

He low blows Lashley, and then in a moment I may never stop grinning about, Finlay beats Lashley with the midget. So good. As has been the case, Michael Cole takes this as his opportunity to say the word Bastard about 11,247 times. The leprechaun ducks back under the ring, and Finlay goes back to the knee stuff.

Finish comes when Lashley readies himself to spear Finlay, but Regal interferes. All hell breaks lose, and Finlay gets split open after having a chair kicked into his face. All three brawl, until the Little Bastard again makes his presence felt with the dreaded shillelagh to the groin, allowing Finlay to hit the standard shillelagh to the face.

Good stuff, and easily Match of the Night. Regal has always been great, Finlay is flawless, the midget is funny, and Lashley doesn’t irritate me. That friends, is the recipe for a good segment.

Michael Cole then officially sucks the fun out of the proceedings by reminding me that we have a Diva search going on. And for the love of God, it’s next.

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Oh Christ, the Miz is back. He rambles on for a bit about how everyone knows that WWE has the best looking women in the world. Or something, I was trying to go to my happy place. Anyway, there’s going to be a Diva Dance off.

You know what? Fuck this. This segment is so pointless, I’m going to entertain you in other ways. A joke:

Q: How many music snobs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Sigh. I have this joke on vinyl.

There. I’ve officially brought more enjoyment to you than this shit on my TV ever could. Anyway, for those that can’t get enough, they do some ads, then they all dance. In 8x Fast Forward, it looks like they’re having seizures, which is actually entertaining. One of them wins, and if you care who, then you’re officially not invited to my Birthday Party.

Sylvan continues with his shit gimmick, as he tries to convince Funaki, Tatanka, and Matt Hardy to go to Quebec. Road trip!

Good a time as any for some

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We’re back!

Gregory Helms, inexplicably wearing a knit cap indoors, is joining the commentary team.

This match on TV as well. Huh. I would have though this was a lock for the PPV, but what the hell do I know. The story seems to be that Helms will face the winner on Sunday, but they never really make it that clear. They also let us know that Helms is the longest reigning CW champ EVER! Which is sort of like being the cutest kid at Fat Camp.

This match was, as the kids call it, “The Bomb”.

All manner of chainy-flippy shit, and some awesome spots that include, but are not limited to: A Super Crazy 2nd rope moonsault to the outside that ends with Psicosis getting cracked in the face with SC’s knee.

They do a bit more of the flippy, and then Super Crazy hits a rollup out of nowhere for the 3.

After the match Super Crazy is all “Hey Helms, I should have the title!” and then he does the universal gesture for “I’m wearing a belt”. Helms is all “I’d kick your ass right now if it wasn’t for the fact my head is all sweaty”. And then we go to the

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We’re back. Vito is still wearing a dress in public. The public is still not giving a shit about this whole gimmick. And….. Scene.

JBL and Cole run down the GAB card, which is the same as last week, except now we have Kristal v. Ashley v. Jillian v. Michelle in a Four Way Bra & Panties match. Tittilating!

And then, just as I begin to fade, Queen Sharmell arrives to bring the charisma. She tells the Corpus Christi subjects to bring it with the applause, and then here comes the King. Which means we’re ready to rumble with

You hear that? That’s the sound of 200, 000 people saving $39.99.

Anyway, we get our ring entrances (JBL stands with his hat on his heart for the King’s entrance, which gives me the laughs), and then just to kill momentum, we go to

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We’re back, and Mysterio is keeping alive his streak of having his ass handed to him. Booker works the arm for a bit, and then does some kicks that lead to a couple of nearfalls. Action spills outside, and Rey hits a senton to the arena floor. Lots of back and forth for a bit, and it’s not bad at all. At one point Booker states the rather obvious “Eddie can’t help you!” which I suppose means we’re gonna get us some Chavo soon.

Anyway, Book works some arm stuff, then some headlocks, and we keep at this pace until Rey comes with the hope spots. Some really good nearfalls here, leading to Sharmell interfering allowing Book to hit the Bookend.

And it’s Chavo time!

Chavo trips Book, leading to 619, leading to….. The Champ wins? The Champ WINS? THE CHAMP WINS!

Chavo and Rey hug, and then walk to the back holding one another.

Booker is furious.

And that’s that.

Pretty good SmackDown. The in ring stuff was good, and the Bash was put up as being something people may want to see. The giveaway of the Main Event was baffling though, and seems to guarantee a Booker win on Sunday. Still though, as SD goes, there were worse ways to kill a couple of hours.

And there ya have it folks, another fun filled SmackDown precap from your Friends in Canada.

Take care, enjoy your weekends, and check back here over the weekend as Rick gets the troops together for the Bash Preview.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to see Lady In The Water.