My God, Music Sucks.
 

I was in my friendly neighbourhood Music Store the other day, picking up a Birthday present for a friends kid Brother, armed with a list he had helpfully provided. The list?
 

We start with a quick recap of Chavo turning heel at the Bash. You all would have got to sit through my highly entertaining look at said PPV, but my cable company hates me.

Anyways….

MISSTTTEERRRRRRR KENNEDY! Is out to start the show. Brilliantly, he forces Chimmel to introduce him as “The Man Who Beat Batista at the Great American Bash” . Nice. And then, we have:

Huh. They gave away the main event a few days before the PPV, and now, during the week of replays, they’re giving away what many felt was the co-main event. Shrewd!

Not a bad match at all, mostly due to JBL’s continued brilliance on commentary. In a surreal moment, JBL suggest Batista go and attack Mark Henry in the hospital a la Steve Austin and Mr. McMahon. Kennedy gains the early advantage with much work on Batista’s knee, until Batista makes his comeback with a back drop . The action spills outside, and Batista keeps the advantage briefly, until he misses a clothesline and collides with the ring post. Kennedy sneaks back into the ring at the Ref’s count of 9, and…

After the match, Batista tried to give Kennedy the Batista bomb, but Kennedy was all “Nuh-Uh!” and ran off. Not sure where they’re going with this one. Kennedy is now 2-0 over Bats, albeit by “cheap” wins, but it still requires us to have a blow off match of some description, and there doesn’t seem to be enough time between now and SummerSlam to have it. Booker vs. Batista seemed the lock for that PPV, but maybe they’re going to do a three way dance? Answers on a post card please.

[Ads]

We’re back!

And……Fuck.

Holy shit, this is what happens when they can Velocity and half of the roster gets sick. Vito and Simon Dean. You know what Rick? I quit. This isn’t worth it.

Alright, I’m back. It’s been a few hours, but I’ve cooled down. It’s my duty to get through this.

Anyway, some stuff happened in the match, the most notable being Michael Cole saying he went for a beer with Vito the other night and they had a great conversation. Huh.

Finish came when Vito hit a DDT, and then got Dean to tap to that idiotic Dress-over-the-head submission thing.

Nothing good to say about this at all. Simon Dean has a shit gimmick. Vito has a shit gimmick. The ratings on SmackDown are unpredictable at best, and they vomit this all over my screen in the second segment?! So pointless.

We cut backstage, and….

Oh Christ, it’s The Miz.

Give me a second to gather myself. There. Thankyou.

Anyway, the Miz is with Mysterio, and asks him about the Chavo betrayal. Mysterio seems unwilling to talk about it, and says he’s only thinking about the World Title. He also calls Miz “Mike”.

Back to the ring, and we’re ready to go with

Oh, for the love of God. Rick told me that he had someone willing to go with the recap, but they backed out. $100 says that lil’ fucker read the spoilers, and rightfully panicked at inflicting it on his or herself. You win this round, Unknown Lazy Recapper!

Sylvan gets the early advantage with a headlock. A headlock. At about 15 seconds in. Sigh.

Tatanka comes back with some bodyslams, and we end up spilling to the outside. A bit of the punchy-kicky leaves Tatanka lying, and Sylvan brings him back into the ring, and goes for a hammerlock. A hammerlock. At about 90 seconds in. Sigh. Sylvan keeps working the arm, and gets a couple of nearfalls. Tatanka lands a few chops to start the comeback, and then does that lame skipping thing around the ring, leading to.

Oh.

It was another chop.

This gives Tatanka the confidence to go to the top rope, for what one can only imagine would be chop number 17, 904, but Sylvan dropkicks him out of the air. It sounds cool, but it wasn’t, really. Finish comes when Sylvan low blows Tatanka, and then hits Test’s/Marc Mero’s finisher for the duke.

Sylvan celebrates by - GASP! - throwing Tatanka’s headdress on the floor. Tatanka celebrates by failing a blood test and going home for 30 days.

Cole pimps tonight’s World Title rematch between Booker and Rey.

Backstage, we see Ashley and Jillian, and I’ll be dammed if they aren’t walking!

[Ads]

We get a quick recap of the four way Bra & Panties match from the Bash, (which was saved by JBL shrieking “5 Stars! 5 Stars!” at it’s conclusion) and then we hit the ring for:

Cole tells us that the Diva Search is continuing tonight with…..Musical Chairs. Jamie leaps to his death from my balcony, leaving me to wallow in this misery alone. Probably.

The match is a bit of a disaster, so I entertain myself with impure thoughts of Michelle McCool. So hot.

Anyway, this is about what you’d expect, which is not much. Jillian hits the cartwheel flippy elbow thingy into the corner (think Chyna, but with less Mental), which leads to McCool getting her faced rubbed in Jillian’s breasts. Wooo?

Finish comes out of nowhere when Michelle pins Jillian with her feet on the ropes.

The less said the better, although JBL did get a grin from me when he said something along the lines of, “These girls better be glad this isn’t a spelling bee”. Nice.

Backstage, in what looks to be the set they use when people are “In The WWE Studios In Connecticut”, Chavo Guerrero gets fitted with a mic.

[Ads]

Quick recap of the Bash main event, and we’re with Chavo. He says that he owes no explanation, and that’s why he isn’t at SmackDown. But Wait! He’ll be there next week, and he’ll teach Rey the meaning of “Guerrero”. Alright then.

Back to the ring, and finally, the chance at breaking this ongoing awfulness.

Booker comes out for his Royal Address being carried on a throne, while balloons fall on the commoners.

Gist is, Booker totally told you so. BUT WAIT!

Rey Mysterio shows up, and lays down a beating on the King, including a West Coast Pop onto Booker while he is sitting on his Throne.

Rey hightails it, damage done, and Sharmell gets sad.

[Ads]

Backstage, Regal and Finlay argue about a midget, leading to

Thank God for Finlay. This match finally brings the goods to the show, and it all looks stiff as hell.

Finlay gets the early advantage, leading to all manner of awesome looking grappling and countering. They keep beating the hell out of one another, and eventually spill to the outside, where Regal slingshots Finlay into the ring post.

Regal continues with the advantage back in the ring, with a rough looking chin lock, and some awesome punches to the face. Finish comes when Regal unties a turnbuckle, leading to the Ref trying to fix it, leading to…

The Little Bastard!

Having grown up a little since last week, Cole decides to yell “Troll!” 8, 092 times instead of “Bastard”

The lil’ guy lowlblows Regal with the shillelagh, leading to Finlay getting the win with a schoolboy rollup.

Nothing bad to say about this one. Looked like a fight, both guys are great at what they do, and at one point there was a midget. Ace.

………the diva search…….is…….up next…….

[Ads]

We come out of ads into the Raw Rebound. You know what happened.

And it’s time for a game of fucking Musical Chairs.

As I did last week, I’m going to ignore this segment, and entertain you in other ways. Todays joke comes from the late, and oh-so-great comedian, Mitch Hedburg:

“My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I would like a regular banana later, so…..yeah’”

There. More entertainment than I could possibly give you recapping this utter shit.

Anyway, Miz is in the ring, I’m FF’ing, the Girls come out, they play the frigging chair game, and it’s mercifully, mercifully, over.

Backstage, Teddy Long gets his phone call interrupted by Paul Heyman. Seems Heyman is pissed that The Big Show replaced Khali in the Punjabi Prison. That makes you, and everyone who attended or purchased the PPV, Paulie. Anyway, Paul throws out a challenge for a SmackDown guy to face Show this Tuesday on Sci-Fi. Teddy goes with Batista. Heyman seems a little taken back.

[Ads]

Back from Ads, and Sylvester Terkay is in ring. This dude’s head is fucking enormous.

Weird. I though this guy was going to ECW to start an MMA-style stable with Kurt Angle. Ah well..

Anyway, we get lots of UFC style offense from Terkay, and Matt Hardy basically - This Guy’s head is HUGE! Seriously! I can’t look away. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Hardy getting his ass handed to him. Again. Not much too it, just lots of striking. Hardy gets in about 3 seconds of offense, before submitting to an armbar behind the head type deal.

After the match, Terkay celebrates by holding his hands in the air, possibly to offset the weight of his skull. Hardy celebrates by getting a staph infection and going home.

Hard to tell from that if Terkay is gonna be anything more than “Generic Big Guy”. But Good Lord, that freakin’ head.

[Ads]

Rey was in control early, and things are good. The crowd was way into this one.

And then?

[ads]

And we’re back!

Rey continues the beat down with the ten punches in the corner and a bit of the old flippy shit. But some of said flippy shit backfires, and the King gains control. Booker beats on Rey with chops, and gains a nearfall after a side slam. It’s all Booker now, dominating the former champ with a side kick, and more chops. What’s with the chops tonight?

Book goes for his jumping sidekick, but Rey ducks under, and we get his comeback. He nails Book with some kicks, and gets a nearfall with a senton. Rey follows up with a cross body for another 2 count. Crowd loves it. Then Rey gives Booker the three amigos, which in my book, means Chavo is NOT in Connecticut, and may very well join us soon.

Sharmell distracts the ref as Rey sets up the springboard legdrop,. And then….

Viva La Savings, It’s Chavo! He’s here! Ah, those sneaky Guerreros.

Chavo throws Rey into the barricade, then back into the ring, where Booker gets the pin.

Good stuff, as per usual from these guys, although I’m a bit leery of Chavo and Rey at SS. Ah well….

So there you have it!

Overall Thoughts:

A bit horrible, actually. Batista and Kennedy was solid, as was Finlay-Regal, and the main event. Everything else? Well, everything else was the reason this shows ratings are nowhere near RAW’s. Tatanka isn’t over. Sylvan isn’t over. The Diva search is cringe worthy. Anyway, have a great and safe weekend, and I may be back next week for some more of the goods.

Now I have to sleep off this Jack Daniels ache, and you have CDs to buy.

Onwards and upwards folks, onwards and upwards.