For that matter, what day is it and where am I?
 

Cole welcomes us, refers to JBL as the hometown hero, and generally pimps the next two hours. But no time for small talk, because Finlay’s music hits, and we’re off with

Maybe the idea for SmackDown is to just keep rematchening the Great American Bash?

Who knows…..

Match starts with the standard for these two: lots of solid punchy-kicky, which Regal gets the advantage from. Match switches gears as Finlay reverses an Irish whip, and then some forearms. But wait! Regal regains the advantage with some uppercuts and kicks. Sounds fairly dull thus far, granted, but it’s not.

TROLL! TROLL! TROLL!

Well, that didn’t take long. Lil’ Bastard nails Regal with a Finlay-assisted dive from the ring apron, as JBL wonders if there is a “whole gaggle of Leprechauns under the ring”. Tragically, the midget is WAY more over than either of these guys, possibly due to the fact that every Aurora’s favourite tit hasn’t told creative to establish a freaking heel. Oh yeah! Congrats Trips and Steph!

Anyway, more back and forth in the match, with neither guy taking a sustained advantage. Mostly forearms and grappling, but in a so, so good way, until Finlay loses interest and takes out Regal with the shillelagh.

After the match Lashley hits the ring to beat the enzymes outta somebody, but Finlay hightails it, and Regal takes the beating.

As always, good showing from these guys. Not nearly long enough, but it’s better than nothing. Looks like we’re getting the cancelled Bash three way at SummerSlam, and I’m fine with that.

Cole tells us that later on, Chavo Guerrero will join us to explain his actions of late. Media worldwide wait with baited breath.

[Ads]

And we’re back, with last weeks Terkay-supporter Elijah Burke in mid-ring.

He does a carny intro for Sylvester Terkay.

Wow, that head. Unreal.

As JBL lets us know that in 11 years he hasn’t seen a more impressive debut than Terkay, we get some “highlights” of last weeks Matt Hardy jobbening.

Oh, this should be good:

Lousy. If you’re gonna have a jobber in the match, have it end in 2 seconds to build up the credibility of the guy who may get a push.

Anyway, not much of anything happens, and then Elijah hits “The Elijah Experience” (The Stroke), for the win.

After the match Terkay jumps into the ring, and they humiliate the loser a bit more

Uh-oh.

We cut backstage to the Miz, who says that we’re gonna hear a bunch of crap from the Divas. This week they’ll have to “think on the fly”, as they get a pie in the face while trying to cut a promo. Seem to remember that they did this before.

I FF, but one of ‘em ends up with white all over her face. Cough.

[Ads]

Luckily, another Diva tastes pie right after commercials and I manage to FF through that as well. See that Rick? I just upped productivity!

Back to the Ring for

Mostly stalling to start, save for Ashley bodyslamming Kristal and then throwing a baseball cap in her face. Sort of goes along in slow motion, and the crowd is as quiet as I have ever heard one. Kristal misses a dropkick, brief advantage Ashley, the Kristal hits a rollup out of nowhere, with a handful of tights, for the Three.

Backstage with another Diva. Can’t be bothered to make another facial joke, but it was more of the same

Cole tells us that we’re getting Booker and Undertaker tonight.

[Ads]

Out of Ads we get the RAW rebound, and then…….

Well, then we get a fucking RECAP of Tatanka’s lame ass ‘rebirth” vignettes. I just goofed on those in the preamble. I am totally psychic.

Am I recapping last weeks show? Huh. And didn’t Tatanka get suspended? I made a joke about him failing a blood test last week, and now it no longer makes sense. I am totally not psychic. Sigh.

Anyway, this sucked too. Tatanka gets the early advantage with some bodyslams and some chops, but Sylvan makes a comeback on the outside. Some punchy-kicky, only made interesting by JBL saying “I met Tatanka years ago, before he became a Buffalo”.

Sylvan then destroys the credibility of Elijah Burke by hitting The Stroke on Tatanka, but only for a two.

Uh-oh! Chop time!

Tatanka dips into his deep bag of offense and hits roughly 19, 462 chops, before going to the top rope.

For another chop.

Finish shortly thereafter, when Tatanka hits…..er…..well, it was also The Stroke (except for a swinging intro). Credibility restored Elijah!

Backstage, MISSTTEERRRRR Kennedy, is walking. Kennedy!

[Ads]

Full dim light announcer intro for Kennedy, and then we’re off with

Yep, this is last weeks show alright.

Stalling on Kennedy’s part to start, leading to his early advantage with a headlock and an armbar. Batista powers out and gives Kennedy a beating in the corner, so Kennedy takes a powder, and calls for a timeout in the aisle. For the first time in the history of Pro Wrestling, the announcers don’t say “There’s no Time-Outs in wrestling!”

Bats follows him out, slaps him around a bit, drags him chest first into the STEEL pole, and then takes it back into the ring. But wait!

Kennedy hits a charging Batista with a dropkick to the knee, and then works a bunch of knee-related offense, but in a way that’s more entertaining that it sounds. Nearfall for Kennedy after a nice looking kick to Batista’s face, and then back to a leg lock.

This goes on for a bit, until Batista regains control with a clothesline. JBL compares the match to the relationship between Tiger Woods and Ernie Els. Huh.

And then we go home, as Batista nails a couple more power moves, and then the BatistaBomb for the clean win.

Well, I guess that’s the blow off match that we needed. It was pretty good too, as I think these guys have some genuine chemistry in the ring. The show needed that segment, as it has been fairly horrible for quite some time now.

After the match, Cole tries to congratulate Batista, but big Dave has none of it. Seems he wants his Title back!

[Ads]

Another Diva takes it in the face.

And we’re back to the ring, for

Words cannot express my utter misery at what I’m about to endure. Instead of typing as the match goes, I’m going to watch the entire thing, and then come back to you. Wish me luck.

I feel violated. That was horrible. Absolutely awful, and if you run into me in the street, I’m gonna need a hug.

Nothing of note happened for awhile, and then Vito did that dress over the head submission for the win. A segment so pointless, it made me question the existence of God.

Another Diva gets some in her hair.

Then the Miz comes back, and tells us to watch RAW. Even that Douche is bored with this show.

Backstage, and we’re with Teddy Long, who is chatting with….Oh Christ, wait for it….

……

Montel Vontavious Porter. Or MVP. Brooklyn Brawler dons his Abe Schwartz face paint and sues. Probably.

Anyway, seems this guy wants to be signed to SmackDown, but not before he makes me want to smash my TV by saying “You better call a Doctor, because I’m wearing so much Ice, I’m gonna catch Hypothermia!”. I don’t have enough middle fingers to respond to that.

[Ads]

Michelle McCool brings the lovely to the ring, introduces her new Tag Team, and we get

Close your eyes and picture the most generic tag match you have ever seen, with a crowd that is twiddling it’s thumbs in silence, and you’ve seen this match.

Hotty spends the first part of the match getting shit kicked, which is so utterly missable, they cut away to Spanky and London watching the match on TV in the back.

If I’d have known they were gonna be watching anyway, I’d have got them to recap it.

Anyway, more Hotty beatdown, and I am losing interest at an alarming rate. Funaki gets tagged in eventually, and continues where Scotty’s beating left off.

Stevens and James hit their finisher, which is Funaki taking a slingshot into a missile dropkick, and we finally get the bell.

Dreadful.

Backstage, and we get the Charisma. Booker and Sharmell are having a private chat with a camera in their faces, and Sharmell gives Booker the pep talk. They come to the fairly reasonable conclusion that the night will end with Undertaker saying “All Hail King Booker!”.

Cole tells us that we will finally get to hear why Chavo betrayed Rey-Rey, but first some

[Ads]

We’re back with Kerwin mid-ring. And guess what?

We’re exhuming Eddie’s corpse again, that’s what.

Seems Chavo is pissed because Mysterio uses Eddie’s name to get over. He says that Rey is so lame, that he makes the crowd chant Eddie so he can get a rub.

That’s the gist, but it goes on for about 7 hours.

Anyway, Mysterio takes just the right amount of a verbal bashing, before he hits the ring for a brawl. Vickie Guerrero hits the ring to keep some peace. I hope she’s the guest referee at SS, and that she turns heel on her dead Husband.

Enough with the Eddie storylines please.

I’ll lighten the mood with a joke, and we’ll go with Mitch Hedburg for the 2nd week in a row:

“Sometimes I get pissed off at my Parents for adopting their kids. I mean, my Sister ould be the love of my life, but now I’ll never know”

There. Better.

[Ads]

Back from the break and we recap the Kennedy-Batista match from earlier for the Alzheimer patients watching. And then?

6 minutes of Ring Entrances, followed by 25 seconds of action, followed by

[Ads]

Taker gets the early advantage with his usual offense, and goes for Old School. No Sale though, as Sharmell distracts him allowing Book to pull the Dead man off of the rope. Taker comes back though, with some armbar type action, a successful Old School, and a two count after a Reverse Stroke.

Booker manages to get the advantage on the outside, and puts the boots in on Taker. Back in the ring and Taker eats a side kick for a nearfall, then Booker goes in withsome punches to the face. They replay the kick, and Cole says “There’s the flexibilityvwe always talk about when we talk about Booker T”. I call ‘Bullshit’, as I’ve never once heard anyone say anything along the lines of “Here comes Booker. He’s so FLEXIBLE!”

Bit more Booker, then he misses a scissor kick which allows Taker to throw some punches. Taker no sells some shit, then some more punches, then chokelsam and….

SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! IT’S THE GREAT KHALI!

Khali hits the ring, and lays out Taker. He tries the foot on the chest pose, but Taker is all “No Way Dude”, and sits up, beats Khali, and chases him off.

Afterwards, Taker’s on the mic!

He challenges Khali to a Last Man Standing match at SummerSlam. The Big Showf rees up his schedule.

We see Khali and Daivari looking concerned, we cut to Taker posing, and we’re out.

Overall Thoughts:

I didn’t completely hate it. I suppose that isn’t the most glowing of reviews, but it’s all I can give. If you have nothing to do, Batista-Kennedy and Finlay-Regal were good, And the main even wasn’t terrible. Take what you will from that.

And that does it for another week!

I have to mention though, that wOOrd on the street is that this is our last kick at the can, as SmackDown moves to Friday nights in Canada as of next week, rendering our Precaps null and void.

If we end up sticking around, more awesomeness to come, but if not? Well, whoever’s taking over, I ask you to be gentle with our SmackDown:

She’s a cruel Mistress.