*waits for applause*

I know you know who I am, so we’ll just into my usual Rick-esque pointless-pre-ramble-to-fill-space-past-the-ad-box. Because that’s how we at OO roll. 
 

So, where does the problem lie? The long-awaited work watch. I work at a printing press, and it’s tough trying to get through the night without scratching apart my arms and fingers, let alone something on my left wrist. Within a week of buying my new watch, it’s been scratched repeatedly, to the point where I can’t read the date. I mean, that’s better than not being able to read the time, but it’s still annoying, especially for a perfectionist neat-freak like me. Luckily, it’s an el cheapo from Wal*Mart, so I can get another one just like it for next to nothing.

Still, I wish I had a durable, cheap watch I could wear to work that wouldn’t get the hell scratched out of it on a daily basis. Perhaps it’s more a hazard of my job, but does anyone out there know of a good watch brand that is both durable and cheap? Maybe if one of you wear a watch and work at some job that keeps making you bang into things, you could give me its brand name? I prefer digital watches, because I’m lazy.

I also prefer Digital Video Recorders now because I’m lazy too. And thanks to mine, we get to re-visit Friday night for a look back at what SmackDown! was, for all you losers who don’t have DVRs and didn’t catch it yourselves. (Or for those of you very, very intelligent people that know that blowing two hours of your Friday night watching wrestling on TV is, you know, retarded.) Away we go!

==Open==

We are (not) live from Memphis! Our main event is Batista and Lashley vs. Regal and Finlay. We’ve also got Rey and Kennedy on the docket, but first…

==10 ft. of Suck in a 7 ft. Bag==

Khali comes out with his little shit, also known as Daivari. Daivari spews such gems as “Who does Undertaker think he is?” and “Who does he think he is?” Notice the subtlety of the different questions. Also: “You really are a dead man!” and “You don’t exist in Khali’s eyes!” I’m sure this is making sense to somebody, so if it’s got a point, it needs to get to it quick.

Hm, looks like the point is: last man standing match challenge for SummerSlam is DENIED. And as Daivari tries to explain why, the lights go out, and the gongs go off. Wuh ho.

Taker comes out without his Chuck Norris costume, and just jumps into the ring swinging punches. Daivari bails, and after a few more punches, Taker chokeslams Khali. ‘Twould be more impressive, but Khali took it really shittily. Khali bails, Taker celebrates. Wow, that really progressed the story, didn’t it?

==Video Package #1: Rey and Chavo==

Read last week’s recap for that one.

==Chavo Talks, No One Cares==

Vickie is still in Indecision Mode, wanting explanation from Chavo. Chavo uses logical reasoning to show 1) Guerreros protect their family, 2) Rey doesn’t have “Guerrero” as a last name, therefore 3) Rey needs to get ass kicked. As Rick is fond of saying: Whee?

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==Gregory Helms vs. Tatanka==

Helms and Tatanka waste no time getting in the ring, although Tatanka nearly loses his headdress in the process.

Punchy-kicky, light-dude vs. heavy-dude, there ain’t nothin’ interesting going on here yet. Tatanka maintains momentum for a quite a bit with standard “methodical” offense. He keeps this up until he whiffs on a corner charge and eats turnbuckle, at which point Helms goes all kick-the-big-man for a bit.

The crowd, needless to say, pretty much doesn’t give a shit. Well, that’s until Helms does a really cool flippy missile dropkick from the top rope. That only gets a two-count though, so Helms locks on the Chinlock of Ill Repute. Tatanka powers out of that, then does a couple power chops, followed by a high-angle backbody drop. Nicely done. This is followed up by more chops and a tomahawk chop between Helms’s eyes. And then a tomahawk chop between Helms’s eyes from the top rope. Smooth! Only a two-count.

Tatanka gets a couple more hits in, but then Helms reverses a Samoan drop or something into a spiffy neckbreaker. Tatanka’s on his knees with his back near the ropes, and gets the Shining Wizard. Helms makes the cover, and on two, Tatanka slips a foot in under the bottom rope. This, apparently, has the same effect as putting a foot on the rope? The ref doesn’t care, counts to three, and declares a winner.

Your winner after 10 minutes: Gregory Helms. The announcers make a case about Tatanka’s foot being under the rope, a rule I’ve never heard of, but whatever. JBL even says that it’s a shame there is no instant replay in wrestling, apparently forgetting that it’s been used several times before. Ah well… Helms leaves, and we go to the next segment.

==Return of the Whiny Bitch==

Daivari is in Teddy Long’s office, whining and bitching as he does best. Long says, not a problem: Taker doesn’t have to face Khali at SummerSlam. Daivari likes this! But Long drops the other shoe, and says that the match will take place Next Week! Daivari no-likey this, but holla holla, and all that.

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==KC James & Idol Stevens vs. Paul London & Brian Kendrick==

Michelle McCool is leading out two guys… who the hell? KC James and Idol Stevens? Never heard of ‘em… guess I wasn’t paying attention last week.

[Tangent: I’d like Michelle McCool more, and to be honest I liked her last year when I first saw her. She is smoking in those glasses, but she’s just a bit too lanky for me. I’ve got the same issue with Stacy Keibler. Bah… the only chicks in WWE I’d like to bang are Victoria, Mickie James, and Lillian Garcia, none of whom are on this show.]

Plenty of happy tag action from the champs against Stevens. Intersperse with pics of the hottie, and we’ve got a decent, medium-paced start. After a few near-falls, Stevens out-powers Kendrick and traps him in the corner. Tag to James who goes on a heel tear, and now we’re down to pure formula.

After a couple unimpressive power-esque moves, Kendrick makes a hot tag to London, and the champs manage to take a quick advantage. But that doesn’t last long, when a little bit of chicanery leads to London getting chucked outside the ring. Stevens, the illegal man, rams London’s back into the ring apron. Stevens tags in, does a clothesline here and a punch there, gets a near-fall.

Stevens gets too fancy, and a gutwrench something-or-other gets reversed. London then sprints toward Stevens, slides under his legs, and makes a hot tag to Kendrick with the crowd sounding like they’re actually getting into it,. Kendrick eats his spinach and does every jumping move in the world to both heels. This culminates in Kendrick rolling up and sitting on Stevens for a pin, but the ref is distracted. James gives Kendrick a taste of his left foot, which reverses the roll. Of course, it’s now that the ref turns around, and counts three.

Your winners, after an undetermined amount of time because I wasn’t paying attention: KC James and Idol Stevens. Meh. But the newbies definitely have some chemistry.

==Divas Everywhere==

Ashley is talking to a fellow guest diva, one by the name of Luke Perry. Perry’s job is to stand there and be Man Pretty while Ashley verbally wets her own panties. This lasts about 10 seconds, at which point Kristal (who is easily the most bangable chick on the SD roster) pops up, looking about 40 shades darker than normal. Damn those tanning salons.

Kristal wets her own panties too, including implying that she had wet dreams about him on a nightly basis years ago due to a poster she had in her bedroom. (I wish I was kidding.) And Ashley’s all, “Nuh uh girlfriend, I was talking to him first!,” then gets in Kristal’s face. Perry touches both girls’ stomachs to separate them (I wish I was kidding), implies that he wants to fuck both of them at the same time right now (I wish I was kidding), and says that he’s here for important business. That’s right, he’s here for the Diva Search (I wish I was kidding)! Just look in a mirror, asshole.

You know, I’m not a woman (didn’t I say that once already?), but even as perverted as I am, I could not imagine going up to Gail Kim and the first thing out of my mouth is “I masturbate to you every night to those nudie pictures of you from that one cell phone ad.” I know wrestling isn’t real, but come on, is it too much to ask of the creative team to include some realistic dialogue?

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==Oh God, the Divas Are Out There==

Nope. My only thing to comment on is that one of the Divas who isn’t Milena was wearing a smoking silver bikini that was more like a napkin than an article of clothing, and I loves me my napkin-sized vagina coverings! Other than that? Fast forward!

==Blessed Is the Peacemaker==

Whoops, fast-forwarded a bit too far. Vickie is giving the same speech to Rey about trying patching things up. She sounds like she actually crying as she tells him about life not being fair, and doing things for Eddie, and that he’d be pissed about this little feud. Rey says, “Maybe.” Great decisiveness there… but actually, jokes aside, there was a hell of a lot more done with this 10-line exchange than with Khali and Taker. How sad is that?

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==Mr. Kennedy vs. Rey Mysterio==

Woo hoo, the first match of Kennedy’s I can call! I officially declare Kennedy the Most Entertaining Superstar of SmackDown!. He starts out with his little self-boxing entrance, as usual… man I love it!

Technical action to start, including a clean break in the corner. Kennedy tries slightly more powerful versions, but they each getting reversed. Kennedy takes the upper edge thanks to a strong elbow to the face after whipping Rey into the ropes.

Kennedy’s advantage see-saws, as Rey manages to get in a couple hope moments as Kennedy continues to punchy-kicky his way forward. No dice, and he eventually caves to a pretty nifty spot where Rey sits on the top rope in the corner, stunned; Kennedy comes over, grabs Rey’s head, and whips him downward, which smashes Rey’s face into the bottom turnbuckle whilst his feet hang on the top. Sorta like an accelerated reverse Tree of Woe or something.

Anyway, that turns into a two-count, so Kennedy decides to put Rey in the same neckwrench we saw during the tag match. Kennedy applies it a little better though, and is a bit more animated (like yelling at the ref “Ask him!”). Rey uses his flexibility to kick the shit out of Kennedy, but once on his feet, he gets blasted on his back by Kennedy’s power. So Kennedy slaps on another Actual Submission Hold to work on Rey’s arm.

Rey manages to get to the ropes, and stuns Kennedy long enough to get to the corner. Kennedy recovers in time to run over and catch him, and prep his finisher. So Kennedy is sitting there, ready to go, but Rey is pounding away. Rey manages to get up so he’s sitting on Kennedy’s shoulder, but still pounding on his head. Rey signals to the crowd, then spins around on Kennedy’s shoulders to land a huricanrana. Holy crap, that looked… well, Rey made it look easy, but damn was it nice to watch!

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We’re back to see Kennedy and Rey trading blows. Rey, against the odds, gets the better of that exchange. Kennedy finds his back near the ropes though, so when Rey charges, Kennedy flops to the canvas and just tosses Rey through the ropes. Rey sells the knee, but Kennedy works on the back for a second. Too bad, this was a good moment to try to sell a story.

Back in the ring, Kennedy applies his neckwrench again. Rey gets to the ropes on that one, then lands a few blows. He whips Kennedy off the ropes, and Kennedy tries a flipover pin! That looked weird because of Rey’s size. Rey rolls through it though, nails a dropkick. Rey continues the momentum, and does a rebound crossbody from the second rope. Pretty cool, but it only gets two-count.

Rey double-counters an attempted something-or-other into a crucifix pin. Kennedy kicks out, then sets up Rey for a powerbomb. As Rey reaches the apex of this, he manages continue “forward” to be behind Kennedy and grab his legs. After a moment of milking this, which looks pretty uncomfortable, Rey somehow gains magical momentum to continue his “flip” and does like flipover piledriver. (This is like the flipover piledriver that one Canadian guy from TNA does, but in slow-motion.)

Kennedy manages to kick out at two. Kennedy crawls to the ropes, and Rey readies the 619. Chavo decides to take this moment to run in, so Rey calls an audible and drops to a baseball slide. Chavo takes the shot, and Rey follows out to capitalize. Vickie materializes during this, and Chavo punches Rey, who stumbles into her; Vickie sells this like she took a bowling ball to the forehead. Whoops.

As she’s flaccid, Rey checks on her, but Chavo continues to beat the crap out of him anyway. Then, Chavo tries to tend to her, and implies that Rey stumbled into her on purpose. They argue for a bit, and Vickie recovers. She goes all shrieky bitch on both Chavo and Rey as we go to commercials.

Your winner after 15 minutes: No one, but probably a DQ for Rey. This was a pretty good match, although I’m biased for Kennedy. Crowd was into it the whole way, which helped.

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==At Least It Was Only 20 Seconds Long==

King Booker is Somewhere, and goes all olde worlde talke with Sharmell. All he does it say he’ll win everything. Whoopdie do.

==Vito vs. Sylvan==

When did Sylvan start going by just “Sylvan”? Well anyway, Vito was already in the ring, so we know who’ll win this. He slaps Sylvan a couple times, and lands a Manhattan Drop. He maintains moment with backbody drops and another Manhattan Drop, which eventually makes Sylvan falls out of the ring. Normally it’s time for ads here, but no dice.

Sylvan takes momentum with a shoulder to the stomach, thumb to the eye, and a Rock Bottom-looking thing. Thorough it all, the dress keeps coming up, and a blur hiding whatever is under that dress. Sylvan applies a chinlock, and though Vito powers out for a moment. Sylvan lands a belly-to-belly suplex, Vito lands a DDT. Sylvan is down long enough for Sylvan to prance around the ring flashing the crowd, then does his finisher, which apparently can be called the “Suck My Cock While I Break Your Arm,” and… Sylvan taps out? Huh.

Your winner after less than five minutes: Vito. That… was pointless. I guess this extends Vito’s undefeated streak, according to the announcers, but I haven’t consciously watched or cared about Vito’s matches lately.

==RAW Recap==

Nope.

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==Replay of Taker’s Shenanigans==

Nope.

==Elijah Burke vs. Crowd Apathy==

Elijah spends 20 hours announcing Sylvester Terkay.

Your winner, after 20 hours: Crowd Apathy. Yawn.

== Some Guy vs. Sylvester Terkay==

Some Guy is already in the ring. During his over-long entrance, we’re treated to a replay of him sending Matt Hardy’s career to the dumpster. Not that it had far to travel.

I’m starting a new tradition here… I’m not recapping squashes, unless something really cool/interesting happens. Aside from Some’s haircut, which looks spookily like the Miz’s without the heterosexuality, nothing different was here. Anyone with that haircut deserves to get his ass kicked anyway.

Your winner, after who-gives-a-damn seconds: Big Head. Whoopdie fuck. After the match, both Big Head and Elijah beat up Some some more.

==Backstage==

Long chats with… eh… someone? Some wrestler who “hasn’t signed his SmackDown! contract yet.” They chat a bit, and then the guy leaves. [Note: my “research” shows me his name Montell Porter, which means absolutely nothing to me.]

==Elsewhere Backstage==

Finlay and Regal have a lover’s quarrel about their upcoming tag match. Finlay: “Just do what I said and we’ll win!”

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==King Booker vs. Nobody==

Looks like Booker’s coming out to be on the headsets.

==Finley & Regal vs. Lashley & Batista==

The latter team gets separate entrances. Crowd responds mildly to Lashley, and goes batshit over Batista.

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We’re in the middle of action, but it settles down I guess as we come from commercials. Batista is making Finlay his bitch, and holds a choke on him while he tags in Lashley. Finlay wants none of that, tags in Regal. Lashley gives no shit, and punches the shit out of Regal. Scoop slam, elbow drop, scoop slam. When he tries a second elbow drop, Finlay pulls down the second rope.

On the outside, Little Bastard makes an appearance. Finlay slams Bastard on Lashley, follows up with a few shots, then tosses Lashley into the ring. Regal pounds on Lashley a bit, then tags out. Finlay slows down the pace with a submission hold, but gives up on that after a moment since we’re running short on time. He tags out again, and Regal kicks, chops, and other stuff to keep Lashley wobbly.

Lashley gets one hope, but that’s cut short cleanly with more punches. Regal tags out, and Finlay sends Lashley’s shoulder into a neutral corner post. Finlay continues blows and even a sleeper. Crowd starts a USA chant. Hoo-kay.

Lashley manages to power out, and they try the formulaic double-tag. Finlay tags in Regal, but he cuts off the attempted hot tag to Batista. So Regal goes all technical, putting Lashley in a double armbar. Actual wrestling in pro wrestling, who knew?

Regal transfers that to a sleeper, but Lashley powers out for a moment. Regal stops that, runs Lashley into the corner, and tags in Finlay. Finlay also places Lashley into a submission, but Lashley teases a couple tags toward Batista. Finlay keeps him just far enough away to prevent it.

Well, that is until Lashley does a backbody drop to escape the standing headlock. Both guys tag out, and Batista goes all house-a-fire on the baddies, much to the crowd’s delight. Batista ends this by landing a clothesline on Regal, but only gets a two due to Finlay’s interference.

Ref gives up at this point, and Lashley jumps in to launch Finlay into the far corner. Lashley then whips Regal into the same corner. As both men stumble out of it, Lashley and Bats double-spear the other two guys… ouch. Batista lands a spinebuster on Regal, makes the cover, and that’s all she wrote.

Your winners, after about 12-15 minutes: Batista & Lashley. The tag members celebrate, and that’s… about it, as they spend the last two minutes replaying and letting Booker get some verbal jabs in on Batista.

==Wait, We’re Not Done Yet==

Batista picks up a mic. He thanks Booker for holding his title for him during his time off, but says that at SummerSlam, he’ll be needing it back. Heh, nice. Booker just calmly takes off the headset and leaves to ringside. Plenty of eyeballing, but we’re out.

==Final Thoughts==

Not bad, I guess. All the stories were advanced a bit, which is more than I can say about recent RAWs. If I was a “real wrestling journalist w00t~!,” I would give the whole show 2-1/2 stars. But I’m not, so I don’t.

See ya next week!