Roethlisberger. He also then took the card of Joey Porter and put in the urinal of the bathroom, where the other men happily pissed it on it for several days.

Also, another co-worker gave me one of those retarded construction helmets that the Steelers fans wear. I’m normally above wearing something like that, although I appreciated the gift. My co-worker said he got it second-hand, and wanted to get two more helmets from his friend: “One to shit in, and one to cover it up.” Hell, even I had to smile with that one.

And yes, the Bengals record so far is better than the Steelers. But it’s still only preseason, and I’m jazzed that the NFL is starting back up. Here’s to nachos, jalapeños, and way too much Mountain Dew to be considered remotely healthy!

==Opening With a Vengeance==

Video package of Undertaker/Khali shenanigans, followed by the SD theme song and opening video. You know, I really like the song choice for it.

We’ve got pyro and noise, with only one announced match: Finlay for the US Title against Lashley. Cool. But first…!

==Batista vs. Sylvan==

Two facts become quickly apparent: 1) we’re in Washington, DC, and 2) it’s Batista’s hometown. This, of course, makes the crowd nutty.

He milks his entrance for a minute or so, as he deserves. Sylvan comes out after a respectful delay, and he’s got a mic. As he saunters to the ring, he puts himself over. (JBL: “This guy sucks.” Crowd: “You suck! You suck!”) By Sylvan beating Batista, it proves Quebec is better than America, or something. (Crowd: “You suck dick! You suck dick!”)

Sylvan makes the mistake of continuing to talk as he steps into the ring, where he is promptly beheaded by Batista. Bats just lays into him, including doing the Batista bomb as the third or fourth move. Sylvan doesn’t even manage to get his entrance attire off before…

Your winner in less than a minute: Batista. Squash city, but it manages to get the crowd hot early. Never a bad thing.

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==Diva Search Recap==

Layla won, I guess. I gives none.

==Scotty 2 Hotty vs. Sylvester Terkay==

I haven’t seen Scotty in years. He still looks good, and I still think he’s a little underrated. Not good enough to get anything resembling singles gold, but I wish he would get a bit more of a chance.

Obviously, he’s going to be sacrificed here, and it’s worth not recapping move-for-move. However, I will say that he was, at least in a couple moments, showing a little bit of promise. The story of the match was that Scotty’s veteran status made him “smarter” and able to last a little longer than Some Guy #1, Some Guy #2, and Matt Hardy. Still…

Your winner after three minutes: Sylvester Terkay. Sylvester has a typical power moveset, and a pretty cool finisher. It doesn’t have a name, but it’s like a delayed suplex. Instead of just holding him up though, he rested Scotty’s neck on his shoulder… looked fucking uncomfortable. Still, he’s just doing the usual rookie-is-dominating-everyone thing, which is getting really boring anymore.

==Commentator Face Time #1==

Michael Cole and JBL chat about the storyline with Chavo and Rey. They tell us that Vickie is in the house, and is there to plead Theodore Long to cancel the SummerSlam match. Ten bucks says it’s on.

==Rey & Eddie Video Package==

I don’t recap video recaps.

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==Good Lord, Kristal is Hot==

…Oh, and there are two guys here too. Kristal is interviewing Kendrick and London backstage, being all bitchy in the process, asking them for comments on their loss last week. The champs start to say that they’d win if the titles were on the line, but they don’t get a chance to say much more, because they’re jumped by KC James and Steven Idol or whoever. Michelle McCool directs traffic, including whipping London a couple times with her stick. The champs are left lying flat on their faces.

==Ken Kennedy vs. Tatanka==

JBL says it best: Kennedy is the fastest rising star on the SD roster. I’m happy about that.

Standard feeling-out offense to start, with tie-ups here and pushes there. Tatanka gets an advantage early on by doing a lot of arm-related offense, including a very non-technical move where he just grabs KK’s wrist and slams it into the turnbuckle. Although KK gets a hope spot, a couple chops from Tatanka puts an end to that.

KK says “Fuck this noise” and leaves the ring, heading back to the locker room. Tatanka isn’t going to win that way, and pursues KK. Back in the ring, Tatanka throws KK off the ropes and does a low crossbody that basically trips KK more than anything.

After a couple more low-caliber moves, KK turns the tables by doing a slick move: he begged off like Ric Flair is fond of doing, and exploded from his knees to do a low dropkick to Tatanka’s left leg. KK then follows up by sending Tatanka to the corner, and puts one of his legs up on the middle rope. Goldust’s Curtain Call? Nope, KK kicks the shit out of Tatanka’s knee. Ouch.

Tatanka falls on his back, so KK capitalizes by putting him in a leg submission, working on that knee. KK breaks the hold after awhile, giving Tatanka a chance to get to his feet. KK allows this only to kick the shit out of Tatanka’s knee some more, followed by a clothesline. With Tatanka down, KK makes the pin. He only gets a two, but fuck it, KK goes back to the same submission hold.

Tatanka fights out of that, smacks KK’s head into a turnbuckle, and follows up with a great clothesline. The explosion of energy makes his knee buckle, and JBL makes a stellar observation: “That knee may not be damaged next week, but it is damaged for tonight.” You know, I would have never guessed that JBL had this kind of fantastic ability to call matches and provide color commentary.

So Tatanka is back on offense, although he’s still favoring that knee. Punchy, punchy, backbody drop. He starts pulling a Shane and dances around the ring, the knee magically healed. With each hop comes a clothesline, keeping KK woozy. After a few, Tatanka goes to the top rope and lands a jumping tomahawk chop. He pins, but only gets a two.

Now they do an always-loved reversal chain here. KK does a kick to Tatanka’s gut, then tries a neckbreaker. Tatanka counters by pushing KK into the ropes, and gather him for a Samoan Drop. KK wiggles out of that and rakes the eyes on the way down, then rolls up Tatanka with a pin. KK’s got a handful of tights, and the ref counts to three.

Your winner, after 8 to 10 minutes: Kennedy Squared. The story is there: Kennedy is still doing well, and Tatanka is still on his losing streak, his last two coming from controversial finishes. Naturally, Tatanka argues with the ref; naturally, the decision isn’t reversed.

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==Chavo & Eddie Video Package==

Didn’t you hear me the first time? I don’t recap video recaps.

==A Hard Decision Reached in 45 Seconds==

Vickie’s in Teddy Long’s office, interrupting his phone call about “MVP’s” (Montell Porter’s) contract status. Vickie begs for Teddy to call of the match in the name of Eddie, because Eddie wouldn’t want it. Teddy patronizes Vickie and says it’s a tough decision, but the match is on. And you owe me a sawbuck.

JBL and Cole droll on about it a bit, then forward us to the ring.

==Khali vs. Undertaker: Last Man Standing==

I hate Khali, but his music is pretty cool. I still miss Muhammad Hassan’s music most of all, though.

Khali gets a standard entrance, followed by Taker’s fashionably late one. The crowd goes totally batshit crazy for the deadman, but would you expect anything else?

Either there’s a time management issue, or this match is going to last way too long, because we’re going to some more…

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==Taker and Khali, For Real This Time==

Khali gets an early advantage with the most basic power moveset ever. Taker gets an advantage after a half-dozen moves with more basic power moveset moves. Then Khali turns it around and does… you guessed it… more basic power moveset moves. Yippee.

Undertaker wins up outside and gets his head wedged between Khali’s boot and steel steps. Ref counts to like seven when Taker is back on his feet. Khali dumbly leans over the ropes, where Taker punches Khali a few times, then basically delivers a Stone Cold Stunner with the ropes. Elbow and leg drop on Khali while he’s on the apron, pretty cool.

Even though JBL wants the ref to count, he doesn’t, because the Taker isn’t done. Taker does a really cool triangle choke on the apron, using the ropes for leverage. Taker holds the move until Khali apparently passes out, then tells the ref to make the count. Taker hangs out outside the ring, watching Khali, who does manage to recover.

Whilst Taker channels his wrestling fandom and contemplates how he got talked into this shit of a feud, Daivari whacks him in the back with a chair. Taker’s none too pleased with this, and turns to face Daivari. In a hilarious moment, Daivari starts running backwards, and even tosses the chair away as if to say “My bad, but see? No more weapon! Let’s be friends!” Taker doesn’t buy it, and chases Daivari to the backdrop or whatever you want to call it. (The “structure” that separates the arena from the backstage.) Taker makes Daivari eat the structure, but Khali gets Taker’s attention.

On his knees, Daivari gives Taker a low blow, giving Khali an advantage. After some more brawling, Khali makes Taker eat the same structure, then chucks him off the stage. The ref starts counting, but Taker manages to get back to his feet before ten. (Well, Taker officially gets back to his feet before ten. In reality, he didn’t quite make it, but maybe bending the rules of time is one of his super powers.)

Taker is three feet below Khali, and Khali’s too slow to get down there within five seconds, so we break up the action to go to some…

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Khali is in control when we come back, doing more Standard Power Moves, like headbutts and so on. Crowd gives their second “Khali sucks” chants, but it’s not helping. Khali, being retarded, chooses at this point to start dragging Taker back to the ring instead of continuing to use the structure and so forth to do damage. Moron.

Once in the ring, Khali continues sucking, giving punches, and… little else. He ends up tying Taker in the ropes, and Khali… does more punches. Then does a shitty kick to Taker’s head, which simultaneously unties him from the ropes and plants him flat on his back.

Taker is totally unmoving, and JBL is selling this like Taker’s been shot. “The Phenom is finished.” Bullshit. If you don’t see what’s coming, either you’re 1) too young to have seen any Undertaker match ever, or 2) as retarded as Khali. Because exactly when the ref hits 9-1/2, Taker does his patented Zombie Sit-Up, which apparently counts as “being on your feet,” even though you’re on your ass, because it stops the refs count.

Taker hops up, and he trades shitty punches with Khali. But at least when Taker is being shitty, he does it with style, and it’s somewhat convincing. Taker’s combinations send Khali out of the ring as JBL says we’re watching World War 3. I wonder what match or TV show JBL is checking out.

Outside the ring, Khali gets an advantage by chucking Taker into the steps. Khali picks up the smaller set of steps, and… tosses them into the ring? The fuck? He then allows Taker to get in the ring, and pick up the steps. Khali gets what he deserves as he gets a taste of the steps.

Taker sets up the stairs for something, but Daivari decides to materialize here, again popping in with a chair. Taker sees him, and punches him to make him drop the chair. Khali has crawled to the steps, which had been set vertically. This gives Taker a chance to steal from Edge and do a one-man Con-Chair-To. Khali gets a count, and we must be close to the end, because the ref is counting fast. Khali only gets an eight though.

Khali’s busted open, and the Taker isn’t going to allow him to get back on the offense. Taker smacks Khali twice more with the chair, then delivers a chokeslam that, while nowhere near as convincing as when done to someone 200 lbs., is still taken far and away better than last week. Khali is down, and though he struggles, he can’t beat the ten.

Your winner after 15 minutes or so: the Undertaker. I’ll comment on this one at the end, because I’ve got too much to say about it.

After the match, Daivari tends to Khali, whose blood and hair just look nasty under the Taker’s black light. JBL and Cole sell this as being the final chapter of Taker/Khali, and everyone smiles a bit more because of it.

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==Retarded Video Package==

Boogeyman is coming back. JBL is scared. I’m annoyed.

==Vito vs. Some Guy==

Squash, ending with the Smell My Sac Armbar.

Your winner after who-the-fuck-cares minutes: Vito. At some point during the match, JBL bitches about how nasty Vito is because his nipples are showing from between the dress straps. Uh, JBL? You realize this is pro wrestling where 99% of the guys run around shirtless, right? And you surely didn’t fail to notice that Some Guy was shirtless the whole match? And it hasn’t been so long that you’ve forgotten you wrestle shirtless? Dumbass.

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==Finlay vs. Lashley: US Title Match==

Champion entered first? Huh.

Feeling-out offense to start, from tie-ups to clean breaks. Things pick up when Finlay takes some punches in the corner and feigns an eye injury to cause Lashley to drop his guard. This gives Finlay a chance to deliver a clothesline. The advantage doesn’t last too long, as Lashley manages to get Finlay into a military press, which turns into a gutbuster. That move makes me puke whenever I see it. Seriously, I just changed keyboards.

Finlay rolls out of the ring after the move. Lashley follows him out to toss him back into the ring. As Lashley starts to follow, Regal comes out and pushes Finlay in the back. This draws Lashley’s attention, but not a DQ. Still, Finlay takes advantages, smacks Lashley off the apron, and follows him to kick the shit out of him. After that, we go to…

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During the commercial, Finlay tossed Lashley into the post. In “live” action, both men are in the ring. Finlay’s doing a chinlock, but as soon as the camera comes back on, he decides to go the opposite route of Randy Orton and does an actual, you know, move. Lashley goes to the outside after a throw or something… Regal is hanging out there, but the ref manages to keep anything from happening.

Back in the ring (again), Finlay puts Lashley in an armbar, and does other arm-related offense. Finlay gambles a couple pins, which don’t work. Finlay doesn’t give up on that arm though, but Lashley refuses to tap.

They milk the arm submissions, and it feels a bit too long, but Lashley sooner than later powers out. He swings momentum the other way by delivering a belly-to-belly suplex. Punchy-kicky from Lashley, followed by a one-armed delayed suplex. Man, I love it!

Finlay is down, and Regal is on the apron being an ass. Lashley turns and smacks Regal, giving Finlay enough time to recover and floor Lashley. Finlay goes to the outside, summons Little Bastard, and goes back in the ring. Finlay holds LB above his head, intending to slam him onto Lashley, but Lashley’s recovered. From a standing start, Lashley sprints and spears Finlay’s exposed ribs, making him drop LB. Lashley follows up with a running powerslam. Pin… One… Two…

Regal pulls the ref out of the ring, then beats the shit out of Lashley.

Your winner after 15 minutes or so by DQ: Lashley. We’re not done…

DQ, naturally, which is just punctuated by a shillelagh blow. Regal holds Lashley while Finlay wields a chair. Lashley moves though, so Regal eats steel. Lashley picks up the chair, blasts Finlay, who bails. As Finlay tries to escape, Lashley chucks the chair, which clips Finlay in the forehead. Damn, that’s gotta hurt.

Pure storyline formula here, as we see Finlay (and Regal) escape to the back. Lashley eyeballs them from the center of the ring as his music plays, but Finlay holds up the US Title belt. Pretty cool imagery there, and a great advancement to the story.

==Backstage==

King Booker and Queen Sharmell are WALKING~! And they walk right into…

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==Trick or Treat, Kiss My Feet…==

King Booker is on his sparking throne in the middle of the ring. Sharmell, naturally, is with him, and he takes a mic.

Booker gives us a recap of what’s going down this Sunday, including saying that he’s got the belt after Batista forfeited it due to a “small, small injury.” This draws boos, as well as a pointless close-up of Sharmell. Sharmell’s face expression says she’s two seconds away from saying “Nuh uh, girlfriend,” even though that wouldn’t make a lick of sense considering what’s going on.

Anyway, Booker says he’ll walk into Boston and beat the shit out of the Animal, and he doesn’t have intestinal fortitude, and blah blah blah. Booker concludes by demanding to see Batista face-to-face, because Batista has two options: Get his ass kicked, or come down to the ring right now and… do something.

Bats’s music fires up, as well as the crowd. Bats still hasn’t changed out of his ring attire, which probably is some sin in Bookerland, but who knows. Once in the ring, Batista’s got the perfect silent body language to say, “What the fuck do you want, loser?” Booker prattles about how Batista can do something to bow out of the match. To… save respect with the fans. To… maintain his dignity and integrity. To… kiss Booker’s feet.

Batista doesn’t answer, which Booker takes as an affirmative. Sharmell sets a little silk pillow on the ring, then removes her husband’s shoe and sock. Batista watches this all as if it’s grass growing.

Batista looks into Bookers eyes, considers the merits and advantages of the situation, then does what any peasant in his right mind would do. He bends down, and stomps the shit out of Booker’s toes. Follow that with a clothesline that sends Booker over the top rope, and I think we know whether Batista wants the match tomorrow.

In a bit of an adlib, Bats pics up Booker’s discarded royal robe, puts it on, and sits down on the throne. HA! BURN!

==Final Thoughts==

Okay, the last segment didn’t really accomplish anything, but it was a fun little throwaway segment. And to be honest, I always forgive WWE doing something a little goofy for a wrestler when he’s in his hometown. Besides, it was entertaining, which is the whole point, right?

Match of the night is easily KK’s match with Tatanka. That told a story from beginning to end, and was absolutely fantastic. Whoever booked the match’s overall story has talent, which obviously excludes the Hollywood Writer Monkeys. That was wrestling psychology at its finest, with KK targeting Tatanka’s knee and Tatanka targeting KK’s arm. Plus, it advanced both wrestlers: KK gets a win and continues his intangible star streak, and Tatanka got screwed out of another match whilst continuing his “bad luck” losing streak. Good stuff.

The Lashley/Finlay lacked psychology and story to start. They picked up after awhile, but it was a little on the long side. Perfect ending though, and that final chairshot (where Lashley just pulled a Nolan Ryan on the chair) was beautiful.

My expectations for Khali/Taker were so low that they really couldn’t fuck it up, and to be honest the match could have easily been “overlong,” but wasn’t. It was probably the best that could have been hoped for, and finally the feud is over, so Taker can do something meaningful and Khali can go back to Hollywood. It was still nowhere near PPV worthy, so the decision to make it now instead of Sunday paid off. Still, it wasn’t a total train wreck, which is more than I expected.

Everything else? Meh. I hope they give Terkay something meaningful to do soon, and the Rey/Chavo story is still getting annoying just because it’s no longer entertaining.

Decent show all around. Hopefully they’ll keep up the good next week.