Now, it’s not like you’ll notice a difference, since whether I get this to Rick at 10 AM or 4 PM, he generally has an evening release for it on Saturday. But I had to say something to get past the ad box, and for the few people who actually read our pre-rambles, they generally find some interest in how things tick around here. Knowledge is power, or something.

This is about the first time in months I’ve seen a WWE show not start with a cold open. We start with a SummerSlam recap, and we don’t recap recaps.

…Okay, so I guess I lied, because we’re going from that to the ring, where King Booker and cohorts celebrate that he still has the belt. Is it just me, or does it disturb all y’all when a wrestler wears a belt bigger than his trunks? It just always makes me automatically wonder if they’re actually wearing something other than the belt.

Bookie takes the mic, who thanks all the people booing him for no reason. He blathers about how he proved that Batista can’t beat him (which is demonstrably false, but he’s a heel, so we’re rollin’), so Queen Sharmell reads a royal proclamation. He is giving William Regal and Finlay the titles of “Royal Knight Extraordinaire,” which JBL sells like is the greatest thing ever in the history of forever. Booker even goes so far as to pull a longsword out of his ass and knight the two of them. I guess it’s “Sir William Regal” and “Sir Finlay” from now on.

So this almost overstays its welcome, but then Finlay takes the stick and talks about how they made Lashley kiss Booker’s feet, and they threaten to do that to anyone who challenges the king. Regal then takes the stick as the crowd chants “Batista,” who doesn’t appear yet. Nope, Regal just blathers about how the only words he can think of to express his appreciation of his lame title is “All hail King Booker” approximately 400 times.

And as Booker and Sharmell leave, Lashley his the ring and takes out Finlay. Booker and Regal jump back in to make it three-on-one, but Batista’s music hits. Booker bails as Batista chucks Finlay into the throne. As the royal retards circle the ring, Teddy Long comes out from backstage to announce the main event: a three-on-two with all involved. Booker takes this in surprise, despite Long saying that everyone agreed to do this earlier. Ah well, this isn’t the continuity hour, is it?

Nope.

For no discernable reason, Gregory Helms is out here to join JBL and Cole. And the match is…?

KK advertising during his self-introduction that he’s beaten Batista and Rey, two former World Champs. Sweet. But no one cares.

When Matt Hardy comes to the ring, he gets a far bigger pop than I expected. Maybe everyone was reminded he actually exists due to Jeff coming back? I guess so, because Helms is actually playing face by putting over the Hardy Boys. Weird.

Bell, ding, and we’re off to slightly time-compressed face-dominant offense, to the squeals of girls in the crowd. Matt even puts KK in a couple of neck submissions within 45 seconds. KK even gets in some inverse hope spots, but Matt counters all of them. Still nothing flashy or anything going on.

KK finally gets the advantage when he reverses a standing headlock to a belly-to-back suplex. KK follows that up by ramming Matt’s head into the corner a couple times. Girls start chanting “Hardy” while the guys don’t give a shit, and this has the effect of distracting KK. Matt rams KK’s head into each of the four turnbuckles, and floors him with a clothesline for a failed pin.

As KK gets the advantage again, whipping Matt to each corner, Helms continues to put over Matt. Hmm… when is the other shoe going to drop?

Matt reverses an Irish Whip into the Side Effect, but KK kicks out of the resulting pin. He tries for a second, but KK elbows himself to freedom. As he comes off the ropes to follow up, though, Matt dumps him over the top rope. Matt follows with a vaulting splash, and both men are down, so that means it’s time for…

During the break, KK dodged a moonsault, so now he’s in control with an arm lock. Matt tries to escape, but KK does an arm drop. A failed pin, and Matt bails.

On the outside, KK tosses Matt into the steps for a SICK spot… Matt’s head looks like it took all the damage. KK follows up by chucking Matt into the ring, but doesn’t get the pin. Still, KK works on Matt’s arm, which, according to Cole, is what hit the steel steps.

KK continues shoulder-related offense, including jumping on it as Matt’s in the 619 position. A couple kicks to Matt’s shoulder, followed by another pin, which doesn’t get anywhere. KK distracts himself by arguing with ref, then trying again, but Matt reverses the second pin to a school boy rollup. Not enough for a three, though.

KK re-applies an arm bar to Matt, but not for long, as Matt powers out and reverses it to an arm drag. KK takes him down though, punches him a few times, then goes to the top. That doesn’t work, as Matt catches him and gives a superplex from the top rope.

Helms channels Tazz and says how superplexes hurt both guys equally, but Matt goes for a pin anyway. KK kicks out at two, and they exchange punches. Once both are on their feet, Matt takes the advantage with more punches and a couple kicks to KK’s face, followed by a clothesline in the corner and a bulldog. A pin, but only a two!

Matt’s pissed, gets to his feet, and hits a second Side Effect. Still only a two!

Matt picks KK up again. KK shoves Matt to a corner, but Matt elbows KK out of that, then lands a Macho Man Elbow Drop. He sets up KK for the Twist of Fate, but gets shoved to the ropes. KK tries a drop kick, but Matt re-counters and grabs the ropes.

And then, we see the other shoe as Helms leaves the commentating table, jumps to the apron, and does Undertaker’s apron stunner. Matt stumbles backwards into a neckbreaker by KK, and that’s all she wrote.

Your winner after 10-15 minutes: Ken Kennedy. Good match, and the story between Matt and Helms is advanced, but any idiot who knows anything about wrestling could have guessed the ending to this one. No surprises.

Miz is Ashley’s prop as Ashley puts over Layla, and says how excited she must be. And then Miz talks about how he’ll hit the ring and hear the “Mizfits” roar. When Ashley displays that she’s not one to buy his retardedness, he explains that a Mizfit is a big fan of the Miz. We’ll hear from all two of them after these…

Miz is in the ring, announces Layla, who comes down wearing next to nothing and hitting an Eddie Guerrero shoulder shake that only Trish Stratus (and possibly Gail Kim) can do that has other effects on me.

[Tangent: since we always care about mentioning it, her entrance music sucks. It’s not just crappy for her personality (whatever it is), but it’s just a shitty wrestling song. Yes, that’s possible… I like Photograph from Nickelback and Wake Me When September Ends by Green Day, but can you think of a single wrestler that would benefit from that song as his entrance?]

So Miz and WWE pretend to roll the dice by giving Layla a chance to speak. But psyche! Miz takes the mic back, and Layla looks “pretend annoyed,” making me “for-real annoyed.” Why in the blue fuck am I recapping this?

Miz says that it’s cool and everything that Layla got voted in, but what’s better is that next week will be the biggest debut ever… because Miz will have his first match. JBL says that he’s rather see Star Jones topless and a thong in his bedroom than see that… no wait, he’d rather have a root canal with no anesthetic… no wait, he’d rather have something anally rape him. And no, I didn’t make that last one up.

Although I agree with two out of those three, it looks like I’ll be taking yet another bullet for my OO crew when I recap that piece of shit. Uhg… what kills me is that I begged for this job.

That’s all of the segment, I guess. Cole advertises the next match, which smells of squash…

Terkay does power offense. Then some more power offense. Followed up power offense. Then a power submission. Then more power offense. God, I’m bored.

Tatanka goes on a tear eventually, and even manages to get Terkay off his feet with a top-rope Tomahawk Chop. He pins, and Terkay gets his foot on the rope. Tatanka argues with the ref about it, and when he turns around, Terkay lands a roundhouse kick to Tatanka’s temple.

Your winner after 5-8 minutes: who else? This was a squash that went five minutes too long. Now, I do appreciate the story continuity with Tatanka, but Terkay made him look terrible. I’ll talk more about that in my closing comments.

Nope.

Vickie Guerrero hits the ring with Eddie’s music. With the mic, she says (in half-crying) that it’ll be the last time that we ever hear the music. She blames herself for slapping Chavo and hurting Rey, so she says it’s time for her to move on past all this.

She apologizes to all the fans for her interference with the Rey/Chavo match, and the crowd hilariously boos that. She also wants to apologize to Rey and Chavo themselves, so she calls them out.

Rey comes out walking, unlike his usual entrance. He gives a half-hearted salute to the crowd and mopingly (not a real word, but fuck it) high-fives the fans as he enters the ring. Vickie repeats her apology to Rey’s face, but Rey doesn’t take the mic. Instead, despite the crowd screaming wildly inappropriate things like “Give her a 619!,” Rey hugs her. The crowd boos. Heh.

So with that done, Vickie calls out Chavo. He hits the ramp, also looking Conflicted. He ignores the fans, and enters the ring. We see Vickie giving Rey warnings like “don’t kill him.” Gah, is it the smark in me that makes me “know” Vickie is about to turn on Rey?

So Vickie repeats her apology to Chavo for interfering, and he hugs her too, also to boos. Vickie says that’s cool, that’s all done. So as Vickie starts to leave the ring, Rey holds apart the ropes. Chavo takes that moment to beat the shit out of Rey, with Vickie screaming the whole time.

After a slam, Chavo exits the ring to get a chair. Vickie stands between the two, telling Chavo to cool it. Chavo puts the chair down for a second, then picks it up at the same time as Vickie. They continue arguing and wrestling with the chair. Finally, Chavo relinquishes it, and Vickie turns around and blasts Rey in the head with it.

She stands back and admires her work, and then Chavo does a brainbuster on the chair. Chavo and Vickie Make Eyes, hug, and leave the ring together. JBL says he didn’t see it coming. Idiot.

And now, it looks like another chapter is starting to this annoying story. Oh goody.

Nope.

Both men’s tag partners are there as well, naturally, as well as the vaguely hot Michelle McCool.

We’re starting fast in this one-on-one match, with both men exchanging blows. KC takes the early advantage with some plain vanilla power stuff like snapmares and chinlocks, shit I won’t other recapping.

London escapes that, crawls to the ropes and delivers a couple kicks. Several forearms and punches later, James is reeling. London delivers a cool double-stomp to the back of KC’s head from the top turnbuckle (James had to duck his head to sell it), and then follows up with a pair of knees to James’s ribs.

As he starts to do whatever he’s going to do next, Idol Stevens trips him up behind the ref’s back, which draws the ire of Kendrick, who runs over to help out. As they battle outside, London lands a nice dropkick to floor KC. London goes to the top rope, but the Pit Bulls appear and one of them shoves London off the rope.

Your probable winner after under six minutes: Paul London by DQ. Meh.

After the match, the team that I refuse to call “The Teacher’s Pets” bail for a moment. The Pit Bulls take down the tag champs, then Stevens and James fly in to assault the Pit Bulls. Kendrick and London recover to make this a Pier 2-by-3 assault until refs break it up.

MVP Montell Porter is walking with some allegedly attractive females, talking on a cell phone. Woo hoo.

Nope.

Nope.

I may have sounded contradictive before, so let me clear it up. While Kristal is the hottest one on the SmackDown! roster, I’ll take anyone on the RAW roster but Trish Stratus first any day of the week. And Gail Kim twice on Sunday, thrice on my birthday.

Jillian bounces her way down the ring. Kristal gets in a cheapshot to take an early advantage, then lands a running headscissors. It was done pretty well, well enough that she poses for the crowd. Jillian recovers during this time, and blindsides Kristal with a forearm. She follows that up with a clothesline, scoop slam, and a retarded cartwheel elbow drop. Failed pin.

Kristal takes a dropkick to the boobs, and falls out of the ring. As Jillian taunts this time, not learning from Kristal’s mistake, the dark-skinned hottie pulls her out and slams her head into the apron. Back in the ring, Kristal does hair-related offense, a phrase so laughable I had trouble typing it out. Jillian manages to get a desperation roll-up here, but only gets two.

On their feet, Jillian land two Ric Flair-quality chops, and chucks Kristal into the corner. She does a cartwheel elbow followed by a middle-rope crossbody. She does an Eddie shake (closer to the sexual connotation they want, but no dice compared to Trish), then does the vicious Suffocate With Silicone Submission. This, unfortunately, goes over with the crowd. They even pop more when Jillian does a replay of her little chest shake.

Kristal says twice is enough, but whiffs a clothesline. Jillian gets Kristal in the FU position for god knows what, but that’s reversed to a victory roll.

Your winner after 5 minutes: Kristal. Kristal cheated with a handful of tights, as if you care. This match was hilariously better than the Tatanka/Terkay match, just because it was better-paced, but this was still no high-caliber women’s match.

An Asian man (who, my research tells me, was formerly “Akio”) is addressing the crowd in the most fake Southern tone ever, which is already a fucking hilarious visual. He dons a black cowboy hat as he says he’s no stereotype, and that chopsticks to him are just pieces of wood. The camera zooms out, and he’s wearing blue jeans and an open vest with the Confederacy flag on its back.

He unfortunately voices all this then, saying there’s no “yeller” in him, but a little red, as he rubs his neck. Uhg, is was funnier before the anvils. He says his name is Jimmy Wang Lang, and he’s a cowboy. Giddyap, he-haw… That was funny for five seconds, then became stale.

Simple equation: a stereotype displaced in a weird environment to challenge his stereotype = funny. A race placed in the counter-stereotype just for the sake of being in a counter-stereotype != funny.

Think of it this way… If Funaki and Tajiri had to room with Steve Austin for a night, the comedy would practically write itself. But if Some Guy who looked American had to room with, oh, Nation of Domination, that wouldn’t be funny.

Speaking of being in a gimmick just for the sake of itself, Vito hits the ring in a new dress. He’s taking on Sylvan… didn’t we just do this two weeks ago?

Basic back and forth action, followed by Sylvan on offense for 90% of the match, followed by Vito getting a comeback and winning with the Tongue-Tickle My Testicles Armbar. Nothing special.

Your winner after five minutes, which was six minutes too long: Vito. Pshhh.

After the match, Vito gets a mic, and says someone’s trying to stop his party. It’s… MVP? The fuck? Vito’s getting all flippy because Montell Porter is laughing. Vito for no discernable reason is calling out MVP and invites him to the ring.

MVP, also for no discernable reason, decides to get in the ring. But wait, he gets a mic instead. MVP is the voice of reason, wondering why the fuck Vito wants to do this. As he questions Vito’s reasons, his agent calls him, and we hear MVP’s side of the conversation.

MVP hangs up, says that he’s not got a contract with SD, so fuck this notice, and MVP leaves the ring and hops over the barrier. Vito takes this as victory and prances around the ring flashing everyone. Huh…?

Booker, Sharmell, Regal, and Finlay are TALKING~! And so are these…

Nope.

Hmm… the crowd is a little less jovial than last week when Batista comes out. Maybe they were burned out from his first appearance, or maybe they’re hoarse after screaming for Vito. Whatever.

According to my DVR, we’ve only got 17 minutes left, and that includes commercials, so this one will need to be a bit quick to get all five guys some face time.

Batista and Finlay start. Finlay gets a couple basic moves in, but Batista turns on Animal Mode, pushing Finlay to the corner, ramming his ribs with his shoulder, whipping him to the other corner, and getting a clothesline. Batista gets Finlay on his shoulders. Regal tries to come in, but gets a kick to his ribs for his efforts. Batista dumps Finlay outside the ring, where Lashley nails him with a double-fist hammer or whatever it’s called, then chucks him back in.

Batista picks up Finlay and, while holding him belly-to-belly with one hand, makes the tag to Lashley. Batista whips Lashley to the corner, and on the rebound, Lashley picks up Finlay in a military press. Regal appears again, but Lashley just tosses Finlay into him. Regal drowsily goes to a corner, and Lashley whips Finlay into him. As they come off the corner together, Lashley delivers essentially a double Spear.

Booker looks scared, Lashley looks pumped, and we go to…

Regal is legal now, but Lashley is still in control. He makes a failed pin after a scoop slam, but continues the punchy-kicky assault. Tag to Batista, and the faces deliver a double elbow. Batista makes a failed pin.

Batista is still dominating, does a suplex and a failed pin. Batista does a couple arm wrenches and drags Regal to the faces’ corner, where Batista makes a tag. While still holding Regal’s arm, Lashley goes near the center of the ring, takes a three-point stance, and jams his shoulder into Regal’s ribs. Ouch.

Lashley delivers a basic suplex, then makes a failed pin. Lashley follows up with a headlock, but Regal pushes him off. As Lashley comes off the ropes, Finlay gets his attention with a kick to the back of his head. Finlay gets punched off the apron for his efforts, but he took one for the team, as it gives the heels a chance to capitalize.

Regal nails a clothesline, makes a failed pin, and tags in Booker. Booker kicks the shit out of Lashley, who is flat on his back. After the kicks, Finlay tags in. Booker’s a jerk.

Finlay does a couple moves, then does a quick tag to Regal, who tosses Lashley into the heels’ corner. The heels ping-pong Lashley between them, until Booker tags back in and does his scissors kick. He makes a pun, but Batista breaks it up.

Lashley bails, and Finlay decides to call in reinforcements. Little Bastard gets tossed on Lashley, then runs over and punches (and apparently bites) Cole. Cole: “Thanks for helping me out, JBL.” JBL: “You deserved it.”

LB bails, and in the ring, Booker is control. That is, until he tries a suplex on Lashley, but that’s reversed. Batista wants a tag, but Lashley decides to chance a pin. That’s broken by Finlay, but Batista gets the hot tag afterwards.

Batista lands a couple blows and a side slam on Booker, then cleans house, climaxing with a pair of scoop slams on Finlay and Regal. While Batista looks at his handiwork, Booker jumps him from behind. Batista is knocked a bit away, and Booker transcends himself to an ECW ring, grabbing a scepter whilst damning the rules. But no go: Batista ducks the attempted weapon attack, then delivers a spine buster. Cover, and Finlay tries to break it up, but not in time.

Your winners after 10 minutes of action but 12-14 real minutes: Batista and Lashley. Nice match, great pacing, enough action to satisfy the hardcore smarks. Maybe not “technically brilliant,” but a fun, good-quality match.

The faces celebrate in the ring while Batista holds the scepter and makes Threatening Gestures to the heels.

Best episode of the three I’ve recapped, but the middle was pretty crappy. Does the main event make up for the previous shit? In this case, the answer is yes.

The Guerrero storyline has hit an all-time low with the ridiculous anvilicious Vickie turn, giving a new chapter to a book that should have been closed months ago. Also, I still don’t know what the fuck is going on with Vito and MVP. I mean, I know that a debuting wrestler needs to be kinda shoehorned into a feud, but really… there needs to be some reason behind it. This… MVP laughing at Vito prancing around, which is clearly for laughs… is not a good reason. In fact, it’s not a reason at all.

Tatanka… I don’t know, I know Rick isn’t into this, but I’m kinda digging the mini story they got going for him. I just hope it leads somewhere instead of just dragging on to give an excuse for a losing streak.

Speaking of Tatanka’s match… Terkay still sucks. Four consecutive squashes ain’t gonna change that.

The women’s match was the second-best match of the night, or at least tied with Matt/KK. How sad is that?

Finally, Jimmy Wang Lang… meh. Good on paper, probably not in execution, but we’ll see.