“Why did the farmer excel at life? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
 

Why am I bitter? Because the Miz is supposed to have his debut match tonight. Any you know I’m STOKED~! about that.

Sigh. Let’s get the torture over with.

==Opening Video Package==

Vickie turned on Rey. I don’t recap recaps of crap I’ve recapped.

==Opening Theme and Pyro==

Purty lights and shiny objects! WOO HOO!

We’re starting with the world’s most uncomfortable storyline, with Rey’s music firing up. Yet again not coming up through the floor, Rey drags himself to the ring, wearing his Mopey Face, quite a task with his mask.

Rey gets a mic and apologizes for this behavior, that he’s not himself. He apologizes for hitting rock bottom last week, and that he doesn’t understand quite what’s going. However, he declares that Vickie needs to apologize to everyone in the world and explain her actions. So Rey calls out Vickie and Chavo to “face him like a man.”

Vickie comes out first, to no music. Nice bit of continuity from last week. (Girlfriend: “You can see her bra strap because her shirt hangs lower than it in the back.” Good to see that she sees the important stuff in wrestling.)

Vickie gets a mic, and says that she smacked him because, like she said last week, it’s time to move on. Vickie says she’s done mourning Eddie, and though Eddie thought of Rey as family, Vickie just sees him as a “significant chapter of her life.” But it’s time to move on, so she’s going to be the business partner of Chavo.

Does that make sense? Because it sure didn’t to me. Vickie’s being very evasive and Ortontastic here, not very logical.

Rey absorbs an Eddie chant from the crowd, and protests Vickie’s decision. She retorts by slapping him in the face and leaving. As Vickie gets to the stage, Chavo appears and puts his arm around her, giving a cocky little smile to Rey. Rey is shaking with extreme anger, and they cut wordlessly to a contract signing between Batista and Booker. Huh.

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==Matt Hardy vs. Gregory Helms (Non-Title)==

Technical offense to start, back-and-forth with Hardy landing a near-fall after slipping out of a Helms armbar. They separate after Hardy boots Helms to corner to reverse a failed leg lock.

Helms sends to the rule book at this point, using fists, foot chokes, and the ropes to do some damage. Matt turns this around and does a fist-first beatdown of Helms in the same corner, then gets a near-fall after nailing him with a back elbow. Matt also gets a two-count after doing a slick move, where Helms grabbed the top robe in the corner, but Matt pulled his feet out from under him and, while Helms was in midair, turned it into a powerbomb.

Matt decides to try a high-risk move, but Helms has too much energy, and boots Matt in the stomach. Gregory continues the ropes as a third arm to do some neck damage, which sends Matt to the floor and Helms in hot pursuit.

Helms uses the apron to perk up Hardy and kick him in the head a few times. A near-fall doesn’t work, nor does the one moments later after a swinging neckbreaker. Helms decides to finally pick a body part and work on the neck, but Hardy powers out of it in short order. Hardy lands a few punches, but takes another neckbreaker.

After another failed pin, Helms whips on a triangle choke. Crowd tries to perk up Hardy again, and yet again, Hardy slips out of the hold in short order. And also yet again, Helms puts an end to that by driving him into the corner and landing some shoulders to Matt’s gut. Helms drags Matt to the center of the ring, leaves him standing, and bounces off the ropes. Matt short-circuits whatever that was going to result in, answering with a clothesline and triggering a double-count.

Once back on their feet, both guys exchange some punches, with Matt eventually pulling out the advantage by landing the Side Effect. Helms kicks out at two with the pin, but eats a bulldog. Another kick out, and the crowd is more into it than I figured they would be.

Matt goes to the middle rope then, and lands an elbow to the top of Helms’s head. Helms then ducks a punch, rolls him and grabs tights. Great… One, two, thr—

The hell, Matt kicked out? Wow! Matt tries a Twist of Fate, but that gets reversed to a DDT, and Helms fails at the pin.

Matt lands another elbow to Helms’s face, then whiffs on a moonsault. As Matt sells his pain, Helms grabs his cruiserweight belt. He swings, but Matt ducks it and lands a belly-to-belly suplex. Helms goes limp, and Matt makes the pin!

Your winner after about 12 minutes: Matt Hardy. A little slow-paced to start, but it really picked up at the end. And they dodged the clichés, which I always appreciate.

==Backstage==

Irish O’Toole is chatting with Mr. Kennedy, and they’re in Teddy Long’s office. KK is there to demand a US Title shot, and he figures he deserve it because he won against Batista and Rey. Teddy Long is fine with this, but wants to spice it up. Finlay says a cage match… KK raises and wants a barbed wire cage match! Long likes their enthusiasm, but doesn’t actually say what the stip will be. Either way though, it will happen tonight.

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==The Miz Sucks==

Oh lord, here we go. Miz is out, shirtless, and his hair is yet again offending me. He blathers, but I don’t give a shit. I’m going to bust my ass laughing if it winds up against Sylvester Terkay.

==The Miz vs. Tatanka==

Huh, I guess it could be worse. JBL isn’t enthused, but the crowd unfortunately is. I forgot to see what city we’re in, but wherever we are, remind me never to visit it in person.

Although they tie-up to start, the story isn’t in the action. Miz gets Tatanka in the corner, and the ref (Charles Robinson here) calls for a break. Miz does so, then does his gay catchphrase. Tatanka grabs Miz and chucks him into the corner, then goes all Native American on his ass, despite Miz being half out of the ring. Tatanka draws a four-count, as well as a warning from Robinson that is played up a little more than usual. Tatanka even gives the Finger Threatening Of Doom and warns Robinson not to “start this.”

Miz manages to land a couple moves, including a not-entirely-shitty arm drag, then pretends it’s the 70s again as he does the robot. More Tatanka offense, more Miz dodging, more Miz dancing.

Tatanka’s hot button, apparently, is queer dancing, so he goes postal and works on Miz’s left arm with strikes (no submissions). Although Miz actually winds up taking control after he rams Tatanka’s shoulder into the post, and follows it up with a back suplex, then…

Oh dear god, Miz is applying a rest hold. And Tatanka is selling that he really has to power out of it. Miz and Tatanka exchange shitty punches, including having Miz get blows “blocked” that actually did connect. Geez.

Tatanka continues his offense, too shitty to recap, until he goes to the top rope. Miz bails, so Tatanka hops off and goes after him. A few chops later, Miz is back in the ring. As Tatanka tries to also, Miz shoves the ref into Tatanka. With Robinson’s back turned, Miz lands a thumb to Tat’s eye, then does a backslide pin. At two, Miz remembers there’s actually a story he needs to tell, and puts his feet on the middle rope.

Your winner after 6-8 minutes: Ass. Tatanka has been screwed again, and gives Robinson the stink eye. Or maybe that stink eye was directed at whoever in the back thought giving Miz any match—and any win for that matter.

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==Cena Sells The Marine==

Nope.

==Mr. Kennedy vs. Finlay (US Title Match)==

I really hope KK is in this year’s SmackDown! vs. RAW game for the PS2.

As Finlay comes to the ring, we still don’t know what the stipulation is going to be. They’re in the ring, ready to go…

Wuh oh, here comes Long. But it’s not unexpected. Long reminds us that he was going to throw in a stip… yeah, we didn’t forget. But wait, this isn’t going to be a regular match… it’s going to be a triple threat! Who’s the other guy…?

==…vs. Bobby Lashley==

Saw it coming the second Long said “triple threat,” but not unwelcome. And apparently, Lashley is going by first name too again. Whatever.

Before the match, we’ve got…

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We spend the first 30 seconds with KK convincing Lashley to double-team Finlay. Lashley likey this plan, shakes KK’s hand, then does a belly-to-belly suplex to eject him from the ring. Wow.

So for two seconds, Finlay beats around Lashley. KK gets back in the ring, and manages to convince Finlay to go two-on-one on Lashley. Punchy-kicky stuff, followed by the heels slamming Lashley’s shoulder into the post.

After flooring Lashley, KK turns on Finlay and sends his shoulder into a post. Finlay powders out for now, and KK gets to the top rope. He lands a wicked Swanton Bomb, but only gets two when Finlay breaks up the pin.

Lashley’s in pain, but KK is the threat, so Finlay locks in a Boston Crab. KK’s in pain, but Lashley recovers, hits the ropes, and nails a kick to Finlay. Lashley capitalizes on KK’s pain for a bit, but Finlay peels him off. A couple of punches don’t go anywhere though, and Lashley takes control.

Lashley smacks both heels’ heads together on the outside. He leaves Finlay out there and continues working on KK inside. Finlay rematerializes when Lashley tries a pin, but eats a military press to a knee to the stomach. Lashley chucks Finlay out of the ring, but KK takes advantages and administers punchy offense to drop Lashley.

Lashley picks up the advantage soon after, until Finlay appears and tries a roll up. No go, but Finlay chucks Lashley and works on KK. KK, in fact, loses some teeth as Finlay bashes his face into the apron, followed a failed pin.

Lashley reappears, but takes Finlay’s aggression KK tries to remove Finlay from the equation, but Finlay trips up Lashley as he goes off the ropes and drags him outside the ring. KK does a little baseball slide to the both of them, then charges up another. As he goes for it, Finlay does a cool spot where he pulls the apron of the ring back (the actual cloth apron, with the WWE logo on it), which makes KK wind up between the canvas apron and cloth apron. I hope that’s clear enough…

Anyway, Finlay beats on KK for a moment, but Lashley chucks the former in the stairs and lands a vertical delayed suplex on the latter on the thin black mats.

While all three men are down, Little Bastard sticks his head out from under the apron, laughs, then disappears again. That was pointless.

[ads: When the fuck did UPN start calling itself “The U”?]

Back in action, Lashley is beating on KK, and Finlay is down, with no explanation. KK wiggles out of an attempted power slam, and both heels take down Lashley. KK tries a pin, but the champ breaks it up.

More double-teaming on Lashley, punches in the corner from both guys. Finlay eventually wants Lashley’s body all to himself and pushes KK. That was totally ineffective, and KK comes back to do some bunches. Finlay gets the better of that exchange, but can’t make the pin.

Lashley has recovered, but things start getting a little too fast-paced to recap. Essentially, one guy beats on another, until the third breaks it up. This repeats a couple times, until it’s the heels versus Lashley again. But then, after KK falls for another trick of Finlay, they head outside, and Little Bastard pops out to smack around KK. The ref sees this, but I guess it’s legal.

Back in the ring, Finlay fails a pin against KK. KK reverses the follow up suplex into a failed victory roll. Lashley then appears, does a double clothesline to floor both guys, and goes all House O’ Fire, including a spear on KK and a belly-to-belly suplex on Finlay. Failed pin, however.

Lashley continues the belly-to-belly suplexes on Finlay. KK, who fell outside after the spear, returns with a chair. Lashley puts a stop to that, but Finlay grabs his shillelagh. Yet again they dodge a cliché when Lashley ducks the shillelagh blow and gives him a spear of his own.

Lashley puts Finlay on his shoulder, lands a spear, and covers. KK slides in the ring, breaks up the pin at two, and rolls up Lashley himself. KK grabs the tights and…

Your winner after 15 minutes or so and NEW US Title Champion: Mr. Kennedy. Really? Sweet! The announcers sell the fact that Finlay didn’t lose the match to lose the title, and that KK cheated for it. Perfect ending!

==SummerSlam Recap==

Booker won against Bats. I don’t recap recaps.

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==Cena Might Come to SmackDown!==

Nope.

==Vito vs. “Sir” William Regal==

Regal decides to address the crowd first. He puts over Booker again for being knighted. Regal carries a message from Booker that Vito isn’t the toughest person to ever wear a dress, but that he’s just bloody pathetic. Whatever.

I might like Regal, but I don’t like Vito, and this match wasn’t anything special. MVP was shown as being at ringside, and Vito wound up suffering the effects of the Choke My Chicken Armbar. Regal didn’t tap, but was so besmirched that he just bailed.

Your winner by countout after a few minutes: Vito. And after the match, MVP looked… stupid. Tell me exactly what purpose this served?

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==Somewhere In Hicksville==

Jimmy Wang Yang is eating buffalo wings. He’s offended that someone once asked him where the Japanese restaurant was. And you wanna know why Jimmy Wang Yang was offended? Because Jimmy Wang Yang is a redneck! And because Jimmy Wang Yang’s name is Jimmy Wang Yang! Oh joy!

==At Ringside==

Cole acknowledges MVP, then decides to interview him. Cole thinks he’s Todd Grisham and says that others are just saying MVP hides behind his agent and isn’t signing a contract, because he’s a pussy.

MVP rips the mic out of his hand, talks shit as if he’s Terrell Owens without the intellect, and says that he can beat anyone, anytime. Even Batista. Even Bobby Lashley. Because he’s MVP. So there. Punk.

MVP talks more shit that doesn’t accomplish anything, and leaves. Again, this advances nothing.

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==The Pit Bulls vs. Kendrick & London (Non-Title)==

Kendrick stumbled when he tried to run to the ring. That would scare the hell out of me if I knew he was going to try a high-risk move to me later.

The heels get the advantage first by nailing the champs from behind, but the faces take advantage in short order. Noble powders out, and the champs use quick tags to keep Kash off-balance. Kash eventually manages to get an upper hand on London, but Noble yanks London out of the ring whilst the ref is distracted.

Back in the ring, Kash lands a half-suplex basically, where he gets London up, then just drops him forward on his back. Ouch. Kash pins, but doesn’t get the fall.

Noble tags in, and just kicks the shit out London a few times. Scoop slam, leg drop, failed pin broken up by Kendrick. As the ref bitches out Kendrick, Noble chokes London with his wrist tape, then tags Kash back in.

Kash is kicky here, punchy there, tags in Noble to do a double headbutt and chop. Noble tosses London in the corner, follows up with a chop, tosses him into the other corner, and… eats turnbuckle.

Both men down for two seconds, until Kendrick gets the hot tag and cleans house. Kash manages to put a damper on the comeback, but then London comes back in to even the sides. As the ref concentrates on getting London out, the heels double-team Kendrick, with Noble holding Kendrick down as Kash goes to the top rope. London is forced onto the apron, but runs down it and shoves Kash off his perch. Kendrick magically gains strength from this and does a little flippy victory roll on Noble.

Your winners, after 8 to 10 minutes or so: Kendrick & London. After the match, KC James and Idol Stevens pop up to beat on the champs. It ends up being 4-on-2 once the Pit Bulls get involved again. With the champs down, the others all eye each other. No one comes to blows, but it’s definitely not an alliance.

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==Contract Singing==

Long is in the ring, with a table, a comfy chair, and Booker’s throne. We’re doing the rematch contract signing here and now.

Long calls out both men, introducing King Booker first, who naturally comes out with his queen. Batista follows up soon, and Long asks if either man wants to make a statement. Booker loves hearing the sound of his own voice, and says that this all a sham (pronounced: “shaum”), and Batista blah blah blah fraud.

Batista has a comeback comment, although he gets about four words when Booker throws a hissy fit about not being called “King.” Batista doesn’t give a fuck, and does what he does best, being laid back and straight-forward. It’s a very cool dichotomy seeing Booker’s over-the-top lost-his-mind gimmick against Batista’s I’m-everyone’s-champ attitude.

Booker throws a second hissy fit as Bats talks about how Booker only won by a technicality and Bats will get the belt next week. Booker’s tired of talking and signs the damn paper, finally.

Bats signs it too, but as he does so, Booker turns his back and waves to the booing crowd. They start cheering though as Bats finishes his John Hancock and slowly walks around the table to Booker’s back. Booker turns around, tries a punch… Bats ducks and lands a spinebuster on Booker through the table. Then, just because Bats is out of toothpicks at home, Bats does it again. As Batista leaves the ring and ringside, he does Sharmell’s royal wave mockingly at the two royal pains in the ass.

==Final Thoughts==

Meh. I’ve never been a fan of contract signing angles, because they always end the same way. Aside from the triple threat match, this was yet another yawn-inducing episode. Well, wait… I have nothing to complain about with the tag match, other than it being as formulaic as can be. Still, they made the effort, and it advanced the story.

Rey/Chavo just needs to stop, and MVP is being used totally ineffectively. I didn’t miss Terkay’s absence whatsoever.

The triple threat match was all kinds of good. Started out VERY quickly paced, lagged in the middle but with enough action not to be “slow” or boring. Sped up at the end, unexpected outcome, and all sorts of goodness as far as all the stories are concerned. Beautiful, and easily the strongest thing SD has going for it.

Miz needs to die… I like Tatanka’s story, and I guess it’s more of an impact if he loses to shitty people rather than upper-tier guys, but still… The F. Miz? No sale.

Guess that’s all from me. See ya next week!