After the opening video of SD, Cole and JBL go over the storyline of Booker and Batista. I don’t recap recaps.

Lockup to start, and in the corner, Finlay actually gives a clean break. Then slaps Rey’s teeth, which is returned with more force. What’s good for the blah is blah for the blah.

Punchy-kicky next from Rey, but Finlay takes the advantage with an Atomic Drop. A few suplexes and a half-hearted “Eddie, Eddie” chant later, Rey kicks out of a pin at two.

Finlay slows things down with a headlock from the floor, but it’s reversed a couple times by Rey, then re-reversed. If I was generous, I’d called this “unorthodox” and “paced.” But I’m not, and I call this boring.

Finlay maintains the offense with slow, “technical” moves, plus the occasional stomp or two and suplex. After a couple more near-falls, Rey bails to ringside. As he collects himself, we turn to some…

Back in the ring, Rey gets a hope spot as he turns a few punchy-kickies to his spinning headscissors. Rey goes up to capitalize, but he gets smacked and drops to the tree of woe. That ends the comeback, and Finlay goes back to crazy-slow offense. After countering another top rope move with a backbreaker, Finlay gets a two-count pin, and Rey bails again.

Rey eventually makes his way back in the ring, but suffers a couple chops and back cracks in the turnbuckle. Crowd tries another “Eddie chant,” but Finlay maintains the advantage with a couple hip drops and a Boston Crab.

Rey’s hold of the ropes breaks the hold, but Finlay continues his punchy-kicky stuff. Finlay ends up eating turnbuckle on missed charge, and the next sequence involves Rey throwing Finlay off the ropes, Finlay countering with a sunset flip, Rey counter-countering by rolling through it and kicking Finlay in the temple. A near fall though.

Back and forth for two seconds, but Finlay suffers a drop toe hold. Rey hits the opposite ropes for the 619, but Finlay jumps up to try a clothesline. Rey ducks it, and tries a springboard off the ropes, but apparently slips off the middle rope. While he’s lying down, Finlay grabs him and drops him for the Celtic Cross. Man, Rey made that fuck up look convincing, but I guess it was a work.

Your winner after 10-12 minutes: Finlay. Way too slow for all but the last 15% of the match. Pretty special to see Rey miss one of his signature moves.

JBL goes into Ultra Dick mode, grabs a mic, and slips between the ropes for a quick interview with the loser. JBL first asks if Rey is out of his mind due to Vickie slapping him last week. Rey simply Looks Offended and tries to leave. JBL won’t let it go that easy, and asks a follow up: is Rey out of sorts because the entire Guerrero family deemed Rey a piece of trash? Again, Rey looks dejected, and just leaves.

Kennedy mixes things up by actually announcing his opponent, going over his credentials but not his name. Some Olympic silver medalist, I guess.

This is, naturally, a squash. Crowd totally didn’t give a shit.

Your winner after 5 minutes or so: Mr. Kennedy. Meh.

KK has an announcement for us, but calls out Teddy Long first. Once TL appears, KK says that since John Cena can come to SmackDown!, KK threatens to jump to RAW because SmackDown! can’t offer him anything he hasn’t already conquered (the title belts apparently notwithstanding). TL says, that’s fine… for the next PPV, he gets to face the Undertaker. Cue TL’s music, KK’s scared face, and a queer little playa dance from the GM.

Nope.

How telling is it that the divas get the first billing of the teams?

Brunette Guy and London lock up to start, and it’s a little chain wrestling crap for two seconds. London quick-tags to Kendrick, and they double team Brunette Guy for a moment before Blond Guy tags in. The story quickly becomes quick tags from the faces to keep the double-team pressure up. Even Ashley does a top-rope double-hammer fist on Blond Guy’s arm.

With Blond Guy reeling, London tries hitting the ropes, but Brunette Guy moves the ropes to send him outside. In the ring, the heels take a page of the faces’ playbook, using quick tags to punchy-kicky London, including a dozen quick slaps from Rick’s favorite teacher.

After a minute, London manages to counter an Irish Whip by sliding between Blond Guy’s legs. He makes a hot tag to Kendrick, who turns on Hyper Fuck Mode and starts doing jumping forearms to everyone in the vicinity without breasts. One drop kick for each heel, and Kendrick is ready to bounce off the ropes.

Michelle takes this moment to jump into the ring to cut off Kendrick. Kendrick is conflicted, then bounces off the ropes anyway, slips between the ropes, and does a flying crossbody out of the ring to take out the heels. Ashley runs in to do mounting punches on Michelle, something that causes the censors to blur Michelle’s happy regions. Blond Guy tries to separate the ladies, but Kendrick lands a sunset flip from the top rope. Kendrick has a little trouble rolling up Blond Guy, but London lands a beautiful backflip dropkick, and forget about it.

Your winners after 8 minutes: Ashley, Kendrick, and London. Not bad at all. Pretty entertaining, but nothing crazy special.

Nope.

Vito comes out to join JBL and Cole on the headsets. JBL acts indignant, even though Vito is modeling a very tasteful evening ensemble that is black… goes well with the shave head and legs.

Regal has a microphone, and says that he was originally supposed to face Vito. However, after the Blowjob Armbar last week, Regal said fuck that, and demanded to face “proper competition” from Teddy Long.

Vito is blathering, putting himself over, but I don’t care.

Lashley takes the early advantage with power, kicks and punches a’plenty. Regal tries to bail, but he makes the mistake of heading out of the ring on the commentators’ side. Vito takes this time to stick his ass in Regal’s face, which scares Regal back in the ring.

Action spills outside a moment later again, when Regal tries to pull Lashley’s ankles (and the rest of him) out of the ring. Lashley lands it smooth, which was pretty cool, and just punches Regal in the face. Then, Lashley makes the mistake of going up the stairs to get back in the ring. Regal grabs Lashley’s ankles again, and this time the trick works, making Lashley fall off the stairs and bust his nose into it.

Back in the ring, Regal is in control. Regal applies a neck wrench that looks similar to a cobra clutch, but Lashley powers out. He also kicks out of a succeeding pin.

Lashley has the advantage, doing more power stuff, including a belly-to-belly suplex and a monster clothesline. Lashley tried his finishing running powerslam, but Regal manages to wiggle out of it. He can’t wiggle out of the follow-up spear however.

Your winner after 5 minutes: Bobby Lashley. Most entertaining match tonight so far.

Vito hops in the ring to celebrate with Lashley. It doesn’t make a lick of sense, but who cares.

Miz speaks. I will not recap it.

Matt takes the early advantage. I will not recap it.

Miz acts like a pussy to avoid being smacked. I will not recap it.

Matt continues the damage. I will not recap it.

Miz does one cool mover. I will recap this one… Matt was in the 619 position, and Miz hit the opposite ropes. He used Matt’s back as a springboard, runs up, jumps over the ropes, and on his way down outside the ring, he grabs Matt’s head and snaps it on the middle rope. That was cool.

Matt takes control after that. I will not recap it.

WWE tries to have us take Miz seriously when he kicks out of the Side Effect. I will not buy it.

Matt goes to the top rope, but gets pushed off by Gregory Helms after the ref takes a bump. I… guess I just recapped it.

Miz covers up Matt. I dread recapping it.

Your winner: The Miz. Uh… no.

Nope.

Vickie Guerrero hits the ring first to no music just to announce Chavo.

Tatanka picks a body part early, working on Chavo’s left arm with arm wrenches and arm punches, not to mention that straight-forward move where he just slams Chavo’s arm into the turnbuckles.

Chavo picks a body part after that, getting advantage after landing a dropkick to Tatanka’s “leg” (camera replays show otherwise, but we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt). A couple leg holds and leg strikes from Chavo to Tat is pretty much all we get for a couple minutes.

Tatanka manages a comeback with power, culminating a top-rope tomahawk chop, but Chavo manages to get control after that. Well, that’s until Tatanka lands his Samoan Drop, and the only reason Chavo survives is by grabbing the rope. Tatanka argues with the ref, and while he does, Chavo lands a neckbreaker, followed by a Frog Splash.

Your winner in less than 5 minutes: Chavo. But damn, did that match feel like about 40 times too long.

MVP is WALKING~! With HOS~! He runs into Teddy Long, and says that with John Cena possibly hopping to SD, that’s the kind of money he wants. Long basically says that MVP’s agent is retarded, and this contract just ain’t happening. MVP is fine with this, but wants tickets to watch the rest of the show (despite the fact that he’s, you know, backstage already).

TL says playa this and holla that, and it’s no free tickets for non-signed wrestlers. MVP says (and sprays) that Long made a big mistake, causing TL to wipe MVP juice off his face.

Nope.

Booker’s entrance takes over a minute, and Sharmell gets out 19-1/2 “All Hail King Booker”’s. Yes, I counted. Yes, I’m that fucking bored.

(Tangent: I asked my friend Mike for his reactions upon hearing and seeing King Booker’s entrance for the first time since becoming King Booker. Verbatim: “Gay. Obnoxious. Drawn-out. I’d rather watch kittens fondle each other.”)

Both guys get the boxing-type entrances, along with a good view of the belt. Booker chats a bit before the match gets underway, but is random trash talking. Batista responds calmly with: “Do you want your body buried or cremated?” Nice.

Ding ding ding, lock up, clean break. Another lock up, another clean break. A third lock up, but this one is a scoop slam by Batista, giving him the advantage. Bats whips Booker in the corner, and lands several good punches and even a foot choke. Booker tries a mini comeback, but Bats doesn’t let that happen, reversing a hip toss to a beheading clothesline.

Bats tries an armbar, but that’s awkward, so he just knees Booker in the ribs a few times. A few more power moves later, Booker takes a clothesline to fly outside the ring. Bats pounds Booker’s head into the barrier a few times, and the apron a couple more, then rolls in the champ. Bats makes a pin, but a few head pounds won’t do it.

Bats puts Booker into a hammerlock, but Bats doesn’t do submissions. Booker powers out, but Bats lands a mini-spear. That also only gets a two-count. Booker finally gets the upper hand at this point, landing a Book End as about his fourth offensive move. It only gets a two, and Booker bails to recover. Batista hops to his feet in the ring and looks completely unfazed.

Somehow during the commercial, both men wound up outside the ring. Batista continues the fisticuffs, but gets distracted by Sharmell’s spine-jiggling voice. Booker nails Batista with a kick to his stomach whilst his attention is diverted. Booker positions Bats on the apron, then does a painful-looking scissors kick similar to Undertaker’s apron leg drop.

Bats beats the 10-count and rolls into the ring, but gets shit kicked by Booker. Booker lands a sidewalk slam (kinda a scary visual), and gets a failed pin for that. As Bats stands back up, Booker lands a jumping kick, then covers also for two.

Booker does some mounted punches, taunts, and chops. Booker then launches Bats into the corner, although he just bounces off and nails him with a clothesline. A side slam by Bats, failed pin.

Bats continues the pain with a jackhammer, then signals for the Batista Bomb, although Booker chucks him out of the ring. As Bats gets up, he levels Regal, who suddenly appeared in the crowd. (It was tough to see who it was, but only one guy wears red trunks and brass knuckles, you know?)

Bats slides back in the ring and delivers a spinebuster. Sharmell grabs a chair and slides in the ring, though she is cutoff by Batista. However, while the ref is distracted by that mess, Finlay appears out of nowhere and lands a shillelagh blow. Booker makes the pin, and…

Your winner after about 15 minutes: Booker T. Entertaining match.

Booker, Sharmell, and Regal leave. However, Finlay sticks around, smacking Bats with the shillelagh a bunch of times, and even rams his head into an exposed turnbuckle or two. Refs hit the ring several minutes too late, and Finlay was happy to end the show taunting a bloody Batista.