But anyway, that’s all next week and beyond. For here and now, I’m in charge. Let’s hope SD can get something good going this time to make it worth it!

==Whatever Works==

Geez, we’re starting quick here. Not a cold opening, but Cole gets about 1.3 seconds of commentary before Finlay hits the ring and drags along Little Bastard. But LB is draped in a cloth… hmm.

He reminds us of the beatdown of Batista last week, and says that Bats isn’t here, probably licking his wounds and such. After some more blathering, Lashley’s music fires up. He power-walks his way to the ring and takes a mic himself.

Hm, I don’t think I’ve heard Lashley speak at length before. He’s pretty relaxed as he tells Finlay that he’s a coward for attacking Bats from behind, and that his Irish luck is about out.

Teddy Long arrives then and announces that we’ll be seeing Finlay vs. Bobby Lashley for a chance to face Booker at No Mercy for the belt. Lashley’s all for this, and says that he’d beat on LB if he gets involved. This triggers Finlay to get in Lashley’s face, prompting Lashley to push him into LB.

Then, Lashley leaves, and LB and Finlay beat on each other in a bit of mistaken identity.

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==Backstage==

Finlay is WALKING~! and bumps into Regal. Regal is all a-tizzy about the thought of Finlay having to fight their king. Finlay says nothing, and leaves looking… conflicted? Concerned? Something. And I don’t care.

==Gregory Helms vs. Matt Hardy==

After Helms caused Hardy’s loss last week, there’s a bit of bad blood here. Matt gets the early advantage by getting into the ring from the crowd and attacking Helms from behind. Matt has high-energy offense for like four seconds, capping off with a Side Effect as only about the fifth move.

Helms bails from the ring, but Matt follows. Helms finds solace in the ring barrier, and he holds onto it for dear life. As Matt tries to pull him away from it, Helms boots him with both feet, sending Matt back- and elbow-first into the steel steps. Ouch.

Helms throws Matt into the ring, then gives a couple kicks and punches. Snapmare, elbow, failed pin. Matt comes up bleeding from the mouth.

Matt gets in a few blows, but takes a neckbreaker for another failed pin. Helms remembers that this is wrestling, and puts Matt in a single-leg Boston Crab. After about a minute of this, Hardy’s got the rope. Helms breaks the hold, but tosses Matt against the opposite ropes. An elbow floors Matt, where Helms does the very un-technical Boot to the Abdomen, and a choke too.

Another snapmare by Helms, and he locks in a Cobra Clutch whilst Matt is sitting. Matt tries to break out, but Helms just grabs Matt’s head and whips it back, sending Matt brain-first into the canvas. Failed pin.

Helms again locks on a neck wrench or chin lock or whatever that actually looks effective instead of something Orton-quality. Matt powers out of that and lands a suplex. They exchange blows, then Matt gets the advantage and lands a trio of clotheslines. The third one was in the corner, and Matt also adds a bulldog to it. Failed pin by Matt.

Matt remembers that his last name is Hardy, so he goes to the second rope. He delivers a leg drop that had a lot of height (almost Kenny height). That only gets a two-count. Matt readies the Twist of Fate, but Helms reverses and sets up his own finisher. Matt re-reverses this, but beans the ref. Ref doesn’t go down, but his back is turned as Helms boots him right in the testicles. That’s all she wrote.

Your winner in seven minutes: Gregory Helms. That match felt a little longer, but they packed in quite a bit of action.

==Backstage==

Rey is WALKING~! with his kid. Rey high-fiving everyone in the world, and even chats with Dean Malenko… He says to Dominic “Are you ready tonight?,” but we don’t know what he’s ready for.

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==Jimmy Wang Yang Talks==

I don’t recap Asians pretending to be rednecks.

==The Miz vs. Scotty 2 Hotty==

Wow, some overpushed idiot is facing a guy whoo lost his relevance to wrestling in 1997. I wonder who’s going to win this?

It takes the guys about 60 seconds to land two moves with all the retarded dancing in between. (Scotty celebrated landing a shoulder block. Idiot.) I’m not going to recap this crap. At least not the match itself.

Let’s see… that move was boring… that was boring… that was just plain gay… oh look, another clothesline. Hoo-rah. Shit kicking…

I just realized that if I ever meet anyone with that same haircut at the Miz, I will be forced to pray that the person gets stuck in the grill of some 18-wheeler as it flies down the interstate at 70 mph. I’m just saying, is all.

Match ends with a neckbreaker by Miz. Miz calls this the “Mizard of Oz.” I will never, ever repeat that again, and you damn sure won’t see that phrase on OO.

Your winner in just over 5 minutes: The Miz. Kill me now.

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==The Marine Trailer==

Nope.

==Brian Kendrick vs. Kid Kash vs. Brunette Guy==

Idol Stevens, KC James… whichever tard is the brunette one, he’s in it. Despite this being a triple threat match, all the tag partners are out there. The idiots are accompanied by Michelle McCool, the champs are accompanied by Ashley, and the Pit Bulls are accompanied by their growing shame of a retarded team name.

Kash opens things up by beating on Kendrick, and Brunette Guy joins in on the fun. Then BG and Kash get into a bit exchanging blows. Kendrick thinks he’s in a title match and just got tagged in, but he goes all House O’ Fire 30 seconds into the match and dropkicks everyone a dozen times.

The momentum is stopped when he covers Kash and is smacked in the back by BG. BG flings Kendrick into the corner, then pins him stupidly. That gets two because Kendrick got his foot on the rope.

Kash joins in the fray, and he and BG start alternating pins on Kendrick. This distracts the heels to kick each other around, with Kash finally getting the upper hand by booting BG in the stomach to send him away for a bit.

This was a bad idea, as when Kash throws Kendrick to the corner, Kendrick catches himself and counters with an elbow. He then goes House Of Fire again on both heels. Wow, this got boring.

It doesn’t last as long, as BG kicks Kendrick in the stomach, then bounces off the ropes and lands a swinging neckbreaker. As BG is sitting on the canvas, Kash comes up and kicks him in the chest. BG rolls away, and Kash again concentrates on Kendrick.

Kash does a slick move where he picks up Kendrick as if he’s doing a suplex, but just drops him instead of falling with him. Kendrick lays in the exact center, and Kash goes up the ropes. Whatever he tries is cut off by BG as he throws him onto the canvas.

Kendrick pops up and tosses BG out of the ring, then picks up Kash. Kendrick does the Stratusfaction Bulldog on Kash, and… pins for three?

Your winner after like 3 minutes: Brian Kendrick. That was a quick match, and a quick finish, but a pretty entertaining one.

After the match, the heels argue, but nothing comes of it.

==Backstage, for the Third Time==

Regal is addressing the royal family of SmackDown!. They talk about nothing, and are there just to give Finlay a reason to appear. Booker tells Finlay that they’ve got to figure out a strategy with Finlay’s match. Finlay says he’s going to fight, no matter what. Sharmell looks concerned.

==Elsewhere Backstage==

Dominic is somewhere, and he’s got his own TV to watch whatever the hell Rey is about to do. 

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==Rey Mysterio vs. Ken Kennedy==

While Rey does his entrance, he sees on the Titantron that Chavo and Vickie found Dominic. They shower him with generic praise for about four seconds, then leave. Rey looks concerned. What is it with concerned wrestlers tonight?

KK hits the ring but doesn’t do his normal entrance. Aw. Lockup to start, clean break in the corner. Another lockup, with KK taking advantage. He slams Rey to the mat, then locks on a chinlock that’s promptly reversed into a wristlock by Rey. They wind up in the corner, where KK breaks things up and slams Rey’s face into the turnbuckle.

KK picks up Rey, but Rey gets out of whatever he was planning. Slam of the head into the turnbuckle, and headscissors by Rey. KK whips Rey off the ropes out of desperation, but Rey lands the springboard crossbody. However, KK catches him and does a back breaker, followed by a failed pin.

Chinlock by KK, Rey kicks himself free, then continues the kicks. However, when Rey tries to whip KK into the corner, it gets reversed, and the heel’s got the advantage again.

KK with a back suplex, failed pin. KK just says fuck the rule book, mounts Rey, and punches him a half-dozen times. KK holds Rey’s arm and delivers a few knees to his ribs, and adds a few punches.

As Rey is whipped across the ring, he hits the corner, but raises his feet to smack KK. But when he tries to follow up, Rey suffers a spinning spinebuster. KK locks on an armbar at this point, which doesn’t really make sense, but what the hell. KK even starts mocking things by chanting “619” along with the crowd.

KK gets bored and tries to throw Rey into the corner. He does, but misses the follow-up charge. Rey hits the ropes and lands a DDT. Ref double-counts, but Rey is on his feet first. He gives a drop toe hold on KK, boots KK in the temple, but only pins for two.

KK recovers quickly and slingshots Rey into the corner. The heel picks up Rey and puts him in the 619 position, but only to choke him on the second rope. This gets broken at 4, and Rey takes advantage by kicking KK a few times. Now, it’s KK to be in the 619 position, which Rey lands. This launches KK all the way across and out of the ring, which keeps Rey from doing his standard follow-up. So he calls an audible, and as KK starts to stand up outside the ring, Rey runs over and does a corkscrew plancha, a move that always scares me a bit to see but also makes me sexually aroused at the same time.

Both men are down…

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We’re back with Rey on the top rope and punching KK a few times. As KK comes away from the corner, Rey is on the top rope still ready for a move, but KK ends that by pulling him off and kicking him.

KK takes hold of Rey, then throws him in a way where Rey slides under the bottom rope and smack back-first into the steel post. KK even slips outside and uses the post to help with a backbreaker submission, at least for a four-count.

KK does a couple pins, but both fail. KK fires out with a few kicks, picks up Rey, and puts him in an abdominal stretch. KK even uses the ropes to help out right in front of the ref. Twice. On the second time, he’s caught, and breaks the hold enough for Rey to land headscissors. Still, KK keeps control.

After a little back-and-forth action, KK lands his finisher from the canvas, then goes to the top rope. He whiffs on the Swanton Bomb, but Rey can’t capitalize right away. They exchange blows for a bit, then Rey is whipped off the ropes and comes back with a front dropkick to KK’s legs.

Rey winds up on the apron, and lands his headscissors/whatever that he normally does after the 619. Rey makes a pin, but only gets two.

More back-and-forth, and KK is kicked into the center of the ring, and Rey tries hopping on the ropes to do a moonsault. However, at this second, Chavo and Vickie walk out from the back with Dominic in tow. Rey sees this and is distracted, and KK rolls him up.

Your winner after 18 minutes including commercials: Mr. Kennedy. Entertaining match, but uber-retarded finish. After the match, Vickie and Chavo just watch as Rey hugs Dominic. Vickie and Chavo didn’t try to stop Dominic from running to his dad, so this all looks… pointless. Must just be mind games though, you know?

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==MVP Talks==

All he does is pitch for a shitload of money for his contract. As if we haven’t heard that before.

==Vito vs. William Regal==

Cole says that Regal dropped the sexual harassment lawsuit so he could face Vito in the ring. Does that make sense to anyone?

I’m not recapping this. Basically, the story was that Regal acted all serious with moves every time Vito did anything to show off his fleshy goodness. Regal, in fact, did about 98% of the offensive moves. Regal even tried a sunset flip, but when he tried to roll Vito up, Vito just planted his crotch on Regal’s nose. This constituted a pin.

Your winner after 5 minutes of my life I’ll never get back: Vito. Whatever.

==RAW Rebound==

I don’t recap recaps.

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==Backstage Yet Again==

Booker appears in Long’s office to bitch about the main event. And to inform that Long that he’ll always win, forever and ever. And then Vito appears, which leads to obvious words being exchanged. And leads to Long making a match between Vito and Booker next week. Being against a main eventer, I think even a Vito match would have to be recapped… Thank god I won’t have to touch that one.

==Some Guy vs. Sylvester Terkay==

Nope.

Your winner in 3 minutes: Sylvester Terkay. Squash, naturally.

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==King Booker Arrives==

Booker and Sharmell are coming to the ring to help out on commentary, with Regal doing the duties of saying “All hail King Booker” a dozen times. Cole says that next week, we’ll have the Booker/Vito match, of course. But it’s just been announced that Rey Mysterio will face Chavo Guerrero. That combination is never a bad thing.

==Finlay vs. Bobby Lashley (#1 Contender for Heavyweight Title)==

You ever notice that when Lashley makes the signal to set off his pyro, he looks constipated? Just an observation.

JBL is cracking me up here… Every time Cole tries to ask anything of Booker, JBL just yells “Shut up!” Only from JBL could that be as funny as it is.

Lashley starts things off finally with arm locks. Finlay gets in a headlock and shoulder block, but Lashley hits a stiff arm drag, which sends Finlay outside to get his bearings.

Back in the ring, Lashley and Finlay do a little chain wrestling, with Lashley holding onto a headlock for a good 30 seconds. It breaks, and Finlay flings Lashley out of the ring. Finlay goes to capitalize, but gets backbody dropped onto the mats.

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As we come from break, Lashley is suffering a leg lock from Finlay. Finlay throws in a couple knee drops onto Lashley’s knee to soften him up a bit. Lashley winds up near the ropes, but that doesn’t stop Finlay from stomping away. Lashley then gets near the corner, where Finlay slams his knee into the post.

Back in the ring, Finlay continues to work on that knee with a strike and a single-leg Boston Crab. Say what you will about the pace; this is more believable than some slower matches.

Lashley gets a little advantage with a few punches and kicks when Finlay makes the mistake of letting him get to his feet. Lashley goes House Of Fire, making it the third inappropriate usage of that term in this recap, and does a shit load of clotheslines and such to keep Finlay reeling. It’s capped with a fist to the back of Finlay’s head, and a failed pin.

Lashley picks up Finlay in the Torture Rack position; Lex Luger must be smiling somewhere in between his drug-ridden highs. But Lashley is better than Lex, and throws in his own little addition: he drops to knees, which just basically shatters Finlay’s spine. Nice. But the pin only gets two.

Lashley tries to whip Finlay off the ropes, but Finlay reverses that. Regal at ringside then tosses in a chair, and as the ref busies himself getting rid of that, Finlay picks up his trust wooden stick. But, Lashley ducks the attack, boots Finlay in the stomach, making him drop the weapon, which the ref discards.

Lashley then throws Finlay at the corner. Finlay uses his feet to stop Lashley’s charge, but the face lands a belly-to-belly suplex. That’s followed by a military press, and as Lashley readies something, Regal trips him. The ref goes to check on Lashley, and Little Bastard pops up to toss Finlay the shillelagh. Finlay just smacks him in the leg with it… and that’s it.

Your winner by DQ after 14 minutes including commercials: Bobby Lashley. Damn good match. I’m liking Lashley more and more.

==After the match==

Booker whips off his headset and hops in the ring to beat the shit out of Lashley. Regal and Finlay help out as well…

And then we cut to the parking lot, where Batista has arrived. He takes the time to grab a lead pipe or whatever out of his car. Then his music hits, and he’s here. Finlay acts like he’s ready to go, but he just throws the ref into Batista’s pipe. Batista chases Finlay around the ring and to backstage.

Meanwhile, Regal and Booker are still beating down Lashley. Lashley finally gets an opening and lands a spear on Booker, which makes everyone bail. Well, everyone except Lashley, who stands victorious and pissed in the ring.

==Final Thoughts==

Nice SmackDown! overall without too many idiocies. I’ll take this kind of action any day.

I don’t know which match I liked best… they were all great for different reasons. The triple threat was crazy, the main event was methodical, and the KK/Rey match was just damn good.

I’ll see you in two weeks, yo.