Batista’s music hits immediately after the opening runs. He’s in his battle attire, and takes an hour to make his way down the ramp to the ring. Even though he’s in the main event tonight, right now he’s here to talk, not fight.

Out comes Heyman with his Rainbow Six goons, doing the power walk that I believe is about a billion times more effective than McMahon’s, as Heyman’s actually looks somewhat natural. Paul introduces himself once he gets in the ring, and he goes over what’s going on with the main event. We’ve got Booker T and Big Show vs. Bats and John Cena. Bats knows what the main event is, and wonders what the point of Heyman’s rambling is.

Heyman knows how to cut to the core, and he says that we’ve got three champs in the match… and one not. Ouch. Heyman says that’s not right, and that Batista should be the champion. Or at least a champion, because he looks like one. Heyman posits that it’s because Teddy Long is holding Bats back, and that the SD fans don’t care about him. So why doesn’t Bats jump ship and… Whoops, the crowd starts chanting for Bats. Heyman ignores this, and finishes his offer to give ECW a chance.

Batista, in fact, considers it. And shakes Heyman’s hand and gives a thumbs-up, at which point you should know what’s coming next. Bats gives a thumbs down, and though Heyman escapes, his bodyguards get clotheslined out of their helmets. This summons Big Show to come out of nowhere, but his attempts result in him getting speared. Booker T appears and actually gets in a few shots on Bats, but then John Cena shows up. The faces make quick work of the heels, clear the ring, and pose in the ring.

Good way to make the crowd hot at the beginning, I guess. This was nothing we haven’t seen before, but Batista’s and Heyman’s charisma certainly helped carry everything through.

Tatanka and Regal start out, with Tatanka taking the offense quickly. After a couple clotheslines, he pointlessly suplexes Taylor into the ring just to suplex him again, then tosses Regal in the corner. Lashley tags in, then spears Regal. After exactly two (2) more offensive moves, Regal tosses Lashley out of the ring, where he’s jumped on by Taylor with clotheslines. The hell is it with clotheslines today?

Back in the ring, Regal tags out, and the heels double-team Lashley for a bit. Once Regal’s gone, Taylor continues the offense with punchy-kicky stuff, then tags Regal back in. Regal tosses Lashley to the corner and charges him, but an elbow to the face stops the momentum.

Lashley then tags in Tatanka, who goes house of fire, backbody dropping everyone. We see that Lashley hasn’t quite left yet, and does a strong belly-to-back suplex on Taylor, who stumbles to the corner. Lashley tries another of his corner spears, but Taylor’s got it scouted and dodges. Lashley goes shoulder-first to the post, then falls out of the ring.

Tatanka meanwhile is pounding away on Regal in the corner, but Regal manages to do the weakest-ass powerbomb you’ve ever seen to get him off… it looks more like Tatanka just fell off. Regal grabs Tatanka’s legs, puts his feet on the rope, and Taylor materializes to assist this as well. That was quick.

Your winners by a dirty pin, after less than 4 minutes: William Regal & Dave Taylor. Meh. Tatanka gets screwed again… you know, I said before that I like seeing Tatanka getting screwed as a story, but it’s still not getting anywhere. That’s really fucking annoying. I hope they do something with it soon.

After the match: Tatanka argues with the ref, then punches him in the face. As Lashley tries to calm him down, Tatanka punches him in the face too. Then when he’s down, he kicks him in the man-region. Huh. I guess if I had just watched the next 30 seconds without saying anything, the last paragraph wouldn’t have existed.

Kristal’s got Chris Benoit, who may take on Umaga if the fans vote in that vein. She asks what his thoughts are, and he starts to answer, then just walks off, with the camera following him. He’s spotted Vickie Guerrero, and engages her in an (intentionally) awkward conversation where he’s trying to figure out why the Rey/Chavo thing is happening.

Vickie says that they’ve got nothing to talk about, and prattles for a bit, then ends by saying, “You think you were close to Eddie, Chris? You weren’t as close to him as you thought you were.” Then she leaves, with Benoit putting on his Confused Face.

Christ, I do not want to see another chapter of this story. What are they going to do, just replay the last ten months with Benoit in Rey’s place?

You know, I realized something several weeks back, and it’s even more clear now: there is no possible way to end this story. Even if all of Eddie’s friends get together and beatdown Chavo, or if they get Chavo to see their side and everyone is at peace, it’s still an uneasy peace and Vickie will be around to complicate it. There is absolutely no good ending possible… giving more reason that they just need to cut their losses and, I don’t know, move Chavo to ECW or something so they can start over.

MVP is popping pills and drinking energy drinks, or something, in preparation for his no DQ match against Kane. Teddy Long appears, and MVP complains to him that he’s got an intestinal virus and may not be able to compete. His cell then rings (I think), and it’s his agent, so he’s got to take the call, and walks off-camera.

At this point, Kennedy (Kennedy) appears, and he says he’s got something special for the people. He says he’s thinking about a match against the Undertaker. Tonight. Teddy Long, like me, is thinking, “Why the hell are you are being so brave?,” but either way, KK says this is the best idea ever. Long plays dumb a moment, but then says that KK is just trying to play him, because everyone knows that the Taker isn’t in attendance tonight. Jerk. Long’s got another idea though, since KK wants to be in a big match. We’re going to see KK take on Kane, taking MVP’s place. KK is… not happy.

I missed RAW, but I still don’t recap recaps. Especially when it’s got Kevin F. Federline.

Vickie and Chavo discuss Chris Benoit, and Chavo utters the cliché “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.” Vickie is uncomfortable about this, but agrees. They also said something about “I think he suspects something,” which, if the writers told her to say that, means one of two things:

1) They’re really smart and have something planned for several months down the line to make a definite, definitive end to this story that no one can see yet, or…

2) They’re writing on-the-fly and have no clue what they’re going to do next week, and they’ve possibly written themselves into a corner with this skit.

I think you all know which way we lean here at Online Onslaught.

SmackDown has been on for about 40 minutes, and we’ve had a single match that lasted four minutes. This isn’t a good sign.

Cruiserweight chain wrestling to start, with Matt taking advantage after a moment by throwing Helms to the corner, and landing a bulldog from it. A quick pin leads to a one-count, then Helms flips Matt through the ropes. Matt hops up the apron, and after a few blows are exchanged, Helms slides between Matt’s legs and pulls him off the apron. Matt lands on his feet, but is clotheslined to the floor.

Matt rolls into the ring, and Helms hops up to the top rope. From there, he lands a super cross body, but only gets a two-count.

To hell with finesse after that, so Helms just does a few mounted punches, then chokes Matt on the bottom rope. Helms follows that up with a snapmare and a simple elbow drop, then everyone’s favorite submission hold, a chin lock! Or neck wrench. Whatever. Either way, Matt attempts to power out, but fails. Helms chucks him off the ropes, but Matt counters with a clothesline. Helms hops up to his feet immediately, only to eat a second one.

Matt’s offense consists of a simple scoop slam, then whiffs on a second-rope elbow drop. Helms lands a reverse atomic drop, but only gets a two count. Helms tried a Shining Wizard, but Matt ducks it and lands a Side Effect. However, he only gets a two.

Both men get to their feet. Matt tries a Twist of Fate, but it gets reversed. Helms can’t get a move off however, and Matt re-reverses that one and gets Helms up on his shoulders. Matt then lands a weird (but cool) version of a Samoan drop… instead of Helms landing on his back after Matt rolls backwards, Helms lands on his face after Matt basically drops him. Ouch. Still, Matt tries a pin, and on a two, Helms reverses the pin and grabs the bottom rope for leverage.

Your winner by a dirty pin, after 4 minutes: Gregory Helms. Another short match, but this one was much cooler, much faster paced, and actually advances the story. Although the Tatanka match advanced his story, it just came two or three weeks too late in my humble opinion.

Paul London and Brian Kendrick are hanging out backstage, discussing who knows what, when Ashley appears. She’s wearing an allegedly sexy black leather outfit with purple and pink butterfly wings. I don’t care if it’s Halloween… black leather is WAY overrated.

Anyway, Ashley is all “What’s up,” and the champs are all “Nothin’.” Paul says that Ashley stole his Halloween costume, which makes him gayer than Orton. They all agree to go out somewhere after the show, then Ashley departs. Kendrick busts a nut as he tells Paul “Did you see that outfit she was wearing?,” even though London obviously did. I’m ashamed I recapped this.

Kane comes down first, and blows his corner pyro. Wuh oh.

Kennedy comes out second, with an expression of trepidation. (Take THAT, dictionary!) He doesn’t introduce himself, and just gets to the action.

KK starts off by being quick, using a couple kick-and-run tactics, but Kane’s throat thrust puts an end to that. Kane lands a shoulder block, and follows that up by bashing KK’s skull a few times into a turnbuckle. Kane follows it up with a standing hip toss, and a two-handed choke drop. KK tries to get to the apron, but just gets suplexed back in. Despite the abuse, KK kicks out of a pin after two.

Kane throws KK off the ropes and tries a slam of some sort, but KK escapes and lands a few low kicks. Kane pushes KK off the ropes after a couple kicks, and beheads KK with a clothesline. Kane throws KK into the corner, tries a charge, but KK gets a foot up and takes over on offense.

KK lands a few kicks, even gets Kane to the mat and lands a few more. Kane rolls out, and though he gets a stiff slap in, KK maintains momentum by throwing the BRM into the steel steps. KK grabs a chair, but Kane slaps KK in the face again, making him drop it.

KK rolls back in the ring, and Kane follows. KK lands a low dropkick to the knee, then heads back outside. KK grabs Kane’s ankle, then swings his leg so Kane’s knee slams into the post. KK picks up his fallen chair, then swings it into Kane’s knee. He only does one shot, then goes back in and makes a pin. However, he only gets a one-count.

KK has a body part though, and does a knee slam, then tries another pin. Only two, though.

KK picks up Kane. Kane leans in the corner, and though he gets in a few punches in self-defense, KK’s offensive punches do more damage. KK puts Kane’s injured leg up on the middle rope, in the Curtain Call position, but only that one leg. Hmm… KK then bounces off the opposite ropes and does a full fucking speed missile dropkick to Kane’s knee. DAMN, that would sting… gets a nice “Ohh!!!” from the crowd, too. KK pulls Kane to the mat, but gets a failed pin.

KK wonders if he can make the BRM tap, and goes for a Figure Four, but Kane kicks him in the ass and sends him outside. KK, undeterred, hops up to the top rope and tries a double axe handle or something. Kane was just a bit quicker and nailed a throat thrust as KK was coming down. Ouch.

Kane, back on offense, lands a couple nasty slaps that KK really sells like a champ. KK takes advantage though by landing a few more kicks to that knee, then shoves Kane in the corner. There, KK tries a charge, but eats the billionth clothesline we’ve seen.

Kane follows it up with another clothesline and a backbody drop, and then a side slam. Kane is limping, but decides to try to get to the top rope. Then, out of nowhere, MVP appears and pushes Kane off the rope. It’s all legal, and KK takes advantage by landing a half-dozen elbow drops directly on Kane’s knee. KK goes to the top rope, but whiffs on his attempted Swanton Bomb.

MVP decides that his hands aren’t dirty enough, so he just slides into the ring. Kane punches MVP, then punches KK, then MVP, then KK, then chucks MVP over the top rope. KK lands a few kicks to Kane’s knee, then hits the ropes only to eat a big boot.

Kane calls for the chokeslam, and even grasps KK’s throat. MVP slides back in at that moment with a chair, and blasts Kane’s injured knee. KK makes a quick pin, and MVP pushes down on KK’s back for leverage. Kane is strong, but can’t kick out of that.

Your winner by dirty pin, after 9 minutes: Mr. Kennedy. Match of the night, baby!

After the match: MVP struts himself back to the back while KK is basically kept of camera. There’s gratitude. But Kane makes violent eyes at MVP, so you know that story isn’t close to being done. I like how they’re telling the story so far though.

Batista is stretching, and Cena is there to give him a pep talk and a handshake. Batista doesn’t buy it, because Cena’s being all normal-sounding and saying that SD is Batista’s territory. Bats says that that’s not the real Cena talking, and wants to see the “You Can’t See Me” Cena, then proceeds to lightly flub the word “thuganomics.” Cena says he was just trying to be polite.

So Cena says, you want real, he’ll give him real, and turns on his Wigger Voice and Unnecessary Comical Intensity. Yep, that’s real all right. But Cena says that word around the locker room is that Bats has been sandbagging since he came back from injury, and that he’s lost his edge. Cena says he’ll go out and fight a handicapped match since he has to do it on Cyber Sunday anyway. “Refuse to be stopped,” repeat, “fireworks don’t mean anything,” and he wants Bats to have “the look in your eyes during the match that I do now.” What, retardedly fake intensity? They do Manly Slaps of Mutual Respect, then leave.

Yeah, that was real. Psh.

Chavo and Vickie hit the ring, with the former dressed in jeans and a T, so you know this isn’t a match. Chavo says that we’re looking from a man and a family at peace. Crowd tries a “you suck” chant, which Chavo nonchalantly responds to with: “I suck? I don’t suck. I’m a Guerrero, and Guerreros don’t suck.” Ouch, and that silences the crowd.

Chavo gets back on topic, saying they’re at peace because Rey’s gone. Chavo says that Rey’s career is even done after he crushed Rey’s knee. He wants to see a replay of it, so the Titantron displays the finale from the match last week. This naturally gets boos.

Chavo says that the crowd can boo forever, because they’re all like Rey: we’re all selfish. Selfish because we wanted none of the Guerreros to move on after Eddie’s death. But Chavo and company are moving on because… and we see the replay again.

Chavo says that Rey was trying to steal the Guerrero name and legacy, which doesn’t make sense. And we see the replay again. Damn, we get the point already, Chavo.

He says that he could watch the replay all day because it was that moment the family became “whole again.” And we see it again. Geez.

Crowd keeps up the “You suck” chant, and Chavo orders another replay. However, this time we get Benoit’s music. Benoit hits the ring, and both Vickie and Guerrero bail. Benoit wants to know why they just left, but they don’t even acknowledge his presence as they leave. Benoit stays in the ring, just looking on as Chavo and Vickie leave the area.

Nope.

Teddy Long comes out and stands at the stage with a mic. He says that since we all know what happened with the Kane match, we’re going to have KK and MVP teaming up against Kane and Undertaker. Oh HELL YEAH! And… it’s on SmackDown! next week! Double hell yeah! Fuck, I’ll admit to marking out when it comes to the Undertaker, and I don’t give a damn if that means I won’t “get taken seriously by the IWC.”

Anyway, enough about that. We’re going to have a worthless match now.

Five divas are involved, and each is wearing some sort of costume.

Jillian is out first, dressed up as a blond Elvis Presley with black sideburns. She’s got a white jumpsuit on (classic Elvis) with no undershirt to expose her bountiful cleavage (not-so-classic Elvis). JBL: “I can see her Graceland.” Nice.

Michelle McCool out second, dressed as a nurse. Psh.

Kristal out third, dressed as… the fuck? A gold hard hat, a gold one-piece jumpsuit or swimsuit, a gold spade in one hand, and a gold bucked filled with money in the other? Michael Cole: “She’s a gold-digger!” That’s so fucking lame that I can’t even bring myself to come up with an insult.

Ashley out fourth, pimping her retarded butterfly outfit. JBL: “She’s in a Michael Cole costume! She’s a fairy!”

Layla out fifth, dressed in a skin-tight black one-piece with bunny ears on top of her head, and she’s munching on a carrot. That’s almost as lame as Kristal’s, but pretty much nothing can beat that.

But wait, here comes a sixth diva. Out comes the Miz, dressed up as a referee. Wonderful… there goes my erection.

Miz talks. I refuse to recap it.

Match starts, and it’s all shitty girly action. Michelle eliminated Jillian first, who took a wicked-looking fall, although it sounded and looked probably ten times worse than it really was. Michelle also chucks Ashley through the ropes, which counts I guess, and that puts us at only three chicks fairly quickly.

Kristal dropkicks Michelle through the ropes two seconds later, so we’re down to Kristal and Layla. Layla manages to land several convincing moves, mostly kicks. Layla tries a suplex from the apron, but Kristal blocks it each time. On the fourth attempt, Miz grabs Layla around the waist and flings her off the apron, which means she loses.

Your winner after 2 minutes: Kristal. Even the match ending was less lame than Kristal’s outfit.

After the match: Kristal hugs Miz, and Layla throws a temper tantrum, then leaves.

We’re back, and Miz and Kristal are still in the ring. Miz gets a mic, insults Layla or something. I refuse to recap this.

Once he’s done prattling… oh god, here comes the Boogeyman. He’s even got the clock. The crowd seems to love him, which doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense. Dumbass gets himself in the ring, and Miz and Kristal push each other, trying to send the other one at him. Miz wins, pushes Kristal at him, and bails. Dumbass gets Kristal by an ankle, then puts a bunch of worms in his mouth, and spits them out on Kristal. Then he leaves. I just lost about half my IQ after watching this.

And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I would have rather listened to Miz a few more minutes than deal with this shit.

I don’t recap shit already in the recap.

Big Show and Booker T argue, but Booker assures Show that they’ll be all teamworky for the main event, despite the violence on RAW.

Cena doesn’t get the last entrance? Will wonders never cease.

Cena and KB start. KB dances, literally, then locks up with Cena. Crowd starts up a Cena chant as Cena punches KB instead of breaking cleanly. Who’s the face, again?

KB off the ropes, and Cena lands a Wacky Hip Toss. He tries a pin, which gets nowhere, and tags in Bats.

Bats on offense with a few punches, but a thumb to Bats’s eye put the King on offense. That lasts for five seconds, when Bats lands clothesline #2655 of the night. Bats is also being retarded, and thinks he can make a pin after two moves. Idiot.

Bats tags back in Wigger McPoser, who proceeds to get his ass kicked and receives clothesline #2656. When KB tries his arm twist back kick, Cena ducks the foot, and nails clothesline #3482. Cena then slams KB into opposite corners, then lands a damn fine suplex. A failed pin follows.

Cena tags in Bats, and they deliver a double back elbow. Then a double clothesline. Figures. This takes KB out of the ring, and we still haven’t seen Big Show since his entrance, so we go to…

KB is still hurt, and Bats is giving a choke, followed by a suplex that looked just as good as Cena’s. Two-count pin afterwards.

Bats drags KB to the corner, where Cena blind-tags in. He throws KB to another corner, and when Cena charges, the champ eats an elbow. KB slithers over to his corner and tags in Big Show.

BS slowly gets in the ring, where he and Cena stare for awhile. Cena makes the first few strikes, and manages to dodge Show’s counter. However, Show turns around and delivers clothesline #3861. A headbutt and a Shh-Slap follow. Cena tries to crawl to KB, but gets caught, and is suplexed.

KB calls for a tag with a shit-eating grin, and BS complies. KB even lands his arm twist back kick that missed before. Cena still tries to crawl for a tag, but KB puts the kibosh on that. KB even slaps Bats, and when Bats tries to enter, the ref turns his back to stop him. Unexpectedly, this does not lead to double-teaming by the heels. KB tags in BS, and when the ref finally turns around, acknowledges the tag. Weird.

BS delivers a headbutt on Cena, then walks on his chest. KB tags back in then, and tries to deliver clothesline #4220. Cena ducks it, and delivers clothesline #4221 to get KB off his feet. A double-count starts, but they break formula here… at two, Cena is just within reach, but KB stops him and drags him to the center of the ring. Cena still fights for a tag, but KB hops to his feet and does a jumping forearm to Bats’s face. Bats tries to get in, and is restrained by the ref.

KB then picks up Cena and throws him through the ropes, where BS delivers a kick and throws him back in. That was pointless. KB makes a pin, but Cena kicks out at two.

Cena delivers a few punches, but doesn’t get anywhere, and even eats clothesline #5672. After some punchy-punchy from Cena, KB locks in a sleeper. Cena tries to fight to Bats, but KB drags him back to the center. Cena drops to a knee, then channels Superman and manages to power out of it into a side slam or something. Both men down, we start another double-count.

KB gets to BS… but BS walks away? Sharmell bitches, which BS tunes out, and KB is all pissed. As KB tries to figure it out, Cena tags in Bats. As Bats delivers clotheslines #6183 to #6455, BS just leaves to the aisle.

Bats lands a powerslam after his clotheslines, then a spinebuster. Cena invites himself in, which the referee allows for no reason, and lands the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena leaves, Bats lands his Batista Bomb, and covers him up.

Your winners by clean pin, after 14 minutes with commercials (and 11 without): Batista and John Cena. Good match, but I still preferred KK and Kane.

After the match: Cena and Bats hug, and Cena makes threatening eyes at Big Show before spazzing out in the ring.

Fun show all around. Pretty entertaining, although the Diva battle royal and its aftermath could have been axed. Lose the two Marine hype segments as well, and we could have crammed in another match. I am irritated at the match-to-angle ratio, and would rather have seen all the non-main event matches extended a few minutes than sit through that shit.

And please, enough of the clotheslines. At least I don’t have to deal with any more until Monday… and you don’t have to deal with anymore of me until next Saturday! See ya then!