We’re going to have Finlay vs. Batista later, but right now…

Ken Kennedy hits the ring… or rather, starts to. A hearse has been backed into the arena near the stage, which reminds KK that he’ll have a Last Ride match in nine days. After starting at it for a minute, he finally gets in the ring and summons the Magical Microphone of Happiness.

KK says that he knows what Taker is up to. It’s all mind games, baby! And it ain’t gonna work, especially since KK beat Taker twice. The first at No Mercy, and the second at Survivor Series. KK says that he knows that, rather than Taker playing the mind games, it’s really KK who is in Taker’s mind.

KK is focused, so focused that he knows he’ll beat Kane tonight. And after that, he’ll win with no problem at Armageddon.

Before KK can get out his next line, the hearse engine starts. Fog fills the arena with blacklight, and the hearse “magically backs up toward the arena with no one behind the wheel.” Whatever. Oh, did I mention the Taker’s music fires up during this?

The hearse parks right next to the ring as the music fades. Two seconds later, the music starts up again, and Undertaker himself comes out the back. He gives KK the Cut Throat of Doom signal, and as Taker climbs into the ring, KK bails and books it through the crowd. He’s a PUSSY~!!!

…Pussy.

As Regal and Taylor get on the apron to do their simultaneous entrance, the champs decide to be all heel-ish, delivering simultaneous dropkicks, and following them up with suicide vaults over the top rope. Meanwhile, Regal’s music is still playing. Heh.

The champs go into brawl mode, then throw the baddies into the ring. Bell rings, and the champs take the heels to opposite corners. They do the spot of throwing their respective foes into each other, then dropkicking them on the rebound. Taylor winds up bailing after receiving his dropkick. Kendrick remembers he’s the face in this, so he leaves to his corner. Finally, we actually have legal men.

London goes for a pin immediately, which doesn’t work. So instead, he drags Regal over to his corner, tags in Kendrick. Kendrick does some arm twists, then tags London back in, who goes up to the top rope and comes down in a pseudo-Old School move, punching Regal’s arm. London then says to hell with finesse, and just gives a half-dozen forearms to Regal’s British nose before launching him off the ropes and delivering a back elbow. After that House O’ Fire, you’d think Regal would lay down, but London’s pin fails.

London keeps up the arm offense, tagging in Kendrick and helping him with a double hip toss and a double splash. Kendrick pins, but fails.

As Regal gets up, he plants a knee on Kendrick’s face. Regal tags out to Taylor, who manages to get in one (1) offensive move before Kendrick takes control again with a slick arm takedown. As Taylor regains his feet, he decides to try to play “mercy.” Kendrick kicks the shit out of Taylor’s knee, locks him in an armbar for about .24 seconds, then drags him over to London and tags out.

London does some punchy-kicky offense, but then Taylor decides that that’s better suited for him. Taylor’s punchy-kicky takes precedence, putting London to the mat rather quickly. Taylor locks in what is totally NOT a Crossface (that’s WWE’s story and they’re sticking to it).

London manages to get to his knees, so Taylor just elbows him in the head. We see a picture of Ashley’s canyon-like cleavage as JBL pimps her upcoming Playboy shoot, and also manages to call Kendrick a girl in the process. I love JBL.

Taylor drags London over to the heels’ corner and tags out. Regal continues the head-related offense, doing some punchy-kicky and a short headlock. London powers out with his own punchy-kick, and tries to whip Regal off the ropes. Regal reverses this, duck’s London’s clothesline, but falls to London’s follow-up flying crossbody. Failed pin by London.

As Regal gets up, he tries to throw London out of the ring. London skins the cat, or tries to; as he hangs from the top rope, Taylor just kicks him in the tailbone, causing London to fall the rest of the way to the black mats. Ouch. Taylor gets in a few punchy-punchy cheapshots outside with the ref’s back obviously turned, then chucks London back in the ring. Regal tries a pin, but London grabs the bottom rope.

Regal doesn’t care, and just grinds London’s face into the canvas. We see Ashley’s jugs again, and when we’re back to the action, London is on his feet and suffering a sleeper. London tries to fight out with a few punches to Regal’s ribs, and nearly manages to tag in Kendrick. Regal however tightens his grip and does a rather sick half-nelson suplex to London, which sends London head over heels backwards, making him land on his face rather than his shoulders or back. Damn.

Regal tags in Taylor, who drops an elbow and fails a pin. London gets to his feet, so Taylor applies the Masterlock - I mean a full-nelson - and chucks London into the middle rope. Taylor randomly clocks Kendrick, and while the ref looks at that, Regal kicks London in the head. Taylor turns back around, drops an elbow on London and makes a pin. At two, Kendrick makes the save.

Both heels stomp away at London. Regal blind-tags in, fails a pin, then applies another chinlock. London breaks out of it after about 20 seconds, nailing a backwards dropkick. Both men are down, but near their opponent’s corner. Regal is up first, lands a knee to London’s head to delay him, then tags in Taylor.

With Regal’s assistance, Taylor lands a power dropkick. Regal heads out, then applies a version of a dragon sleeper on London. London breaks out, but eats a few punches and Regal’s boot for his efforts. Speaking of Regal, Taylor tags him in after the kick.

Regal does a reverse headlock, which again works for all of 10 seconds. London breaks out and hits the ropes, trying a sunset flip. Regal dodges, and tries to slam his knee into London’s forehead. London dodges this, which Regal sells as a minor injury. Regal goes for a tag, and so does London. The heels are too quick, and Taylor lands with a double axe handle on London’s back before the faces can tag.

Taylor locks in an armbar and facelock here, right in front of Kendrick and Ashley, who are cheering on London. After a few seconds, Taylor stands to change his angle. London rolls back to try a school boy pin, but Taylor has too firm a grip on his arm and avoids the pin.

They’re right by Regal, who blind-tags in. Regal does punchy-punchy, and though London tries to do it too, Regal just out-powers him. Regal puts him in a headlock right near the faces’ corner, but as Regal spins around to face London, London backbody drops Regal. Both men down, both men crawl over, both men tag.

Kendrick is, naturally, in House of Fire Mode. This capped by his finisher on Taylor, which is like Trish’s Stratusfaction, but rather than a bulldog, Kendrick does a reverse DDT. (Michael Cole said the name of the move, but I couldn’t understand him.) Kendrick goes for a pin, but Regal - who is still in the ring despite eating about four dropkicks - manages to break it up.

Still, London gets to is feet and kicks Regal in the shoulder, sending the latter to the outside. While the faces try to figure out what to do about Taylor, Regal stalks Ashley on the outside. London sees this, exits the ring and beats on Regal a bit. Kendrick exits the ring at some point too, and though they both make sure Ashley is okay, London and Ashley play grab-ass a little too long. Kendrick looks confused, and hops up to apron, probably with the intention of getting back to the match.

Kendrick is still distracted by Ashley and London’s hug or whatever, and doesn’t see Regal get to his feet. Regal runs up and takes out Kendrick’s knee, forcing him hard to the apron. Kendrick rolls back in the ring, right into Taylor’s waiting arms. Taylor uses what I assume is his finisher, a double underhook suplex with a rollover, which manages to get the three.

Your winner, by clean pin fall and after 10 minutes: Dave Taylor & William Regal. Damn good match all around. Story was told, and it was technically sound, even if a little slow-paced. Nothing comes post-match.

Because RAW is the A-brand of WWE, we now go to an interview Cena did right after RAW, or something. This, of course, concerning his match with Batista at Armageddon.

Wigger McPoser is doing the Comical And Completely Unnecessary Intensity and adds to it Comical And Completely Unnecessary Random Salute of Stupidity. And he spends about 30 seconds talking about nothing. That so wasn’t a waste of my time.

Poor Batista. He’s doing a backstage interview and puts over his partnership with McPoser as if it’s the next Legion of Doom, even going so far as to say that the World Heavyweight Champion has never been in the same ring as the WWE Champion before, and probably it won’t ever happen again. There’s two things wrong with that sentence, and both of them are all of it. [Note: if you know where I stole that line from, good for you!]

Booker, Finlay, and Sharmell are indignant over Batista’s vanilla words. Booker blames everything on Finlay, which Finlay argues back. The conversation goes nowhere, except to show that there is some teamwork and trust for Armageddon because, if for no other reason, they both hate Batista.

Lock-up, Finlay gets against the ropes, clean break. Which turns into a push by Finlay. Bats throws a few faux-slaps, which ends up getting Finlay to back up to the corner.

Another lockup, which Bats manages to reverse to get Finlay behind him. Bats backs up, squishing Finlay between himself and the corner. Bats delivers a few punches, then backs off.

Finlay back to his feet after a few seconds. They start to play mercy until Finlay does a cheapshot kick to Bats’s gut. Finlay locks in a standing headlock, but gets Finlay against the ropes, which causes a clean break. [JBL to Michael Cole, regarding Vito’s “attack” last week or whenever: “You should go to your parents and apologize for not being a man.”]

Finlay and Bats decide to give Mercy another go. Another cheap kick by Finlay, and when Bats breaks his grip, Finlay twists his left arm. Bats reverses this, and furthers it into a hammerlock. Finlay gets to the ropes, and Bats breaks clean.

Well, this is rather slow so far. I’ve got a feeling they’re about to pick up the pace. [Cole: “Things were so much easier when Tazz was out here.”]

Lockup, and Finlay gets behind Bats. He uses a kind of nerve hold on Bats’s neck, and puts his foot on the back of Bats’s knee, forcing the champ down off his feet. Finlay places Bats into a chinlock and even delivers a trio of elbows. Finlay continues to control things using a punchy offense, but fails the first pin attempt.

Batista doesn’t like being pinned, so when gets up, he takes out his anger on Finlay’s face, including delivering a damned shitty clothesline. Finlay bails from the ring to the announce table, but Bats catches up to him. The ref follows them out as Bats does punchy offense. Bats then puts Finlay up on his shoulder with the intention of ramming him head-first into the ring post. Finlay squirms out of this, and tries to push Batista into the post instead, but the champ catches himself. Bats turns back around, picks up Finlay again, and dumps him onto the corner of the fan barricade. As Finlay tries to get up, Bats big boots him over the barricade and into the crowd. Bats screams a battle cry, then follows Finlay over the barricade as we go to…

We’re back, and both men are in the ring. Bats is having his way with the heel, delivering punches. As Bats tries a suplex, Finlay quickly reverses it into an armbar, which even takes Bats off his feet.

After Bats refuses to tap, Finlay drags him to the edge of the ring. Batista is now face down, his face basically over the apron, and Finlay is on the mats outside the ring. Finlay picks up Bats’s head, then slams it downward, causing Bats’s collarbone to crack against the apron edge. Nice spot. While Batista reels from that, Finlay nails an elbow on Batista’s head as well.

Finlay rolls back in the ring and continues using his elbow and feet to damage Bats’s head and neck. Finlay stands Bats up in the corner. The men exchange blows, but Finlay gets the better of it, wrapping Bats’s left arm around the rope and taking a few cheapshots on Bats’s chest. Batista stumbles out of the corner, and Finlay takes him down with a few knee strikes. Finlay goes for a pin, but it fails.

As Finlay goes to follow up, Batista punches Finlay a few times as he rises. Finlay puts an end in the momentum shift with a thumb to the eye, then chucks Batista through the ropes. Finlay follows him, but whatever Finlay was about to backfires, as Batista picks up Finlay and slams his back-first against the ring apron.

Batista throws Finlay back in, then delivers a beautiful suplex. Pin, but a kickout at two.

Bats says to hell with finesse and just punches the shit out of his face, then slams said face into the top turnbuckle. As Bats chokes Finlay with his foot, JBL verbally undresses Cole thusly (verbatim, sadly):

Cole: “See, Batista keeps going to his eyes. The thumb to the eye blinds you momentarily, right?”

JBL: “…Really.”

Cole: “I’m asking you a question.”

JBL: “You stick a thumb in your eye, what do you think?”

Cole: “I’m trying to have you provide some color.”

JBL: “Coloring is not answering stupid questions.”

I love JBL more and more.

Anyway, Batista keeps momentum by throwing Finlay into the ropes and kicking in the stomach on the rebound. While Finlay doubles over, Batista plants a fist on the back of Finlay’s head, sending Finlay to the canvas. Batista slaps on a hammerlock, but pulls Finlay on his feet in the corner.

Batista whips Finlay to the opposite corner, but eats an elbow when he tries to follow up with a clothesline. Finlay hops up the ropes and tries something high-risk, but is caught by Batista in midair. Bats spins him around a bit, then placed him back on his feet, then big boots him out of the ring.

Bats exits, tosses Finlay back in, then starts to re-enter the ring. Finlay is quick though, kicks Bats in the stomach, then throws him into the post, where he bangs his shoulder on Kane’s pyro box. Bats falls off the apron in the process.

Batista slowly gets back into the ring, and as soon as he does, Finlay goes all kicky-kicky. In yet another cool apron spots (I love apron spots), Finlay exits the ring and plants one foot on the apron for leverage. He then grabs Batista’s arm and pulls it, using the bottom rope to actually inflict the damage. He works to a four-count, releases, then jumps back in the ring.

Back in, Finlay slaps on another arm submission. Bats refuses to tap, and uses the crowd’s encouragement to power up to his feet. Finlay knows the pattern and short-circuits the formula by kneeing Bats’s arm, then throwing him shoulder-first into the top turnbuckle. Yeouch.

Finlay then twists Bats’s arm, and slaps on a new arm submission. Again using the crowd, Bats powers out of this, managing to pick Finlay up on his shoulders. Batista drops a Samoan Drop, but the damage has been done to Bats’s arm.

I expected that both would be down to do a double-count, but thankfully they didn’t slow down here. Both men hopped to their feet rather quickly. Finlay tried a few blows, but each was blocked by Bats. Bats then threw Finlay to the corner, and followed up with a clothesline. Maintaining momentum, Bats throws Finlay off the ropes, hitting another clothesline on the rebound. The champ picked up Finlay on his good shoulder, then dropped a powerslam.

Batista is feeling it, and lands his spinebuster. Bats channels Ultimate Warrior, and as he does so, Little Bastard makes an appearance, climbing onto the top rope. He tries a top-rope crossbody, which naturally doesn’t work. Bats just grabs LB in midair, then throws him at Finlay, who is just starting to stand.

Finlay falls, and LB rolls over him and out of the ring. Finlay stands up again, only to be drawn into the Batista Bomb. King Booker chooses that moment to run into the ring, although he just gets thrown out by Batista for his trouble.

Batista at that moment stopped giving a fuck about the match and followed KB out to the announce table. Bats starts to take it apart, but Finlay slides out of the ring and grabs his shillelagh in the process. One smack of the weapon to the back of Batista’s head, and we’re done with the match.

Your winner, by disqualification (striking with a foreign object, Finlay’s shillelagh), after 19 minutes including commercials, Batista. Good match, and longer than I thought it was. Good to see the champion getting the longest match of the night, and also good to see Batista able to keep up in a match that long.

After the match: King Booker kicks the shit out of the champ as Finlay gets a chair. Booker tosses Bats into the ring, and both heels follow him. They double-team him, simultaneously throwing him shoulder first into the ring post. Then, Finlay holds him up, and Booker slams that shoulder with the chair.

Bats falls, and Finlay exits the ring, then drags Bats’s arm over the apron. Okay, you know how I said I love apron spots? It still holds true, but if they’re about to do what I think they’re going to do, I always cringe when I see it.

Yep: Finlay smacks the shit out of Bats’s arm with the shillelagh several times. Damn, every time I see it, my arm hurts. Uhg.

Finlay gets bored and hops in the ring, where Booker delivers one more chairshot to Bats’s arm. Booker does his pinky pose over Bats’s corpse, and he shake hands with Finlay. Jerks.

[ads: Why the hell am I so interested in Rocky VI?]

Jimmy Wang Yang gets an entrance. Jamie Noble doesn’t. Guess who’s going to win?

Gregory Helms pops up right after JWY to do guest commentary. I don’t give a fuck, and I’m not recapping him or this squash.

Your winner and new #1 contender to the Cruiserweight Title, by clean pin fall, in 4 minutes: Jimmy Whoever. His finisher was a crazy-high moonsault off the top rope. The move was cool, the gimmick still isn’t.

After the match: Wang and Helms trash-talk. Whoopie.

Kristal’s got Chris Benoit, and asks him for Vickie Guerrero and Chavo Guerrero’s accusations that Benoit is abusive toward women. Benoit is all, “hell no.” Kristal goes to the tape, where Benoit smacks Vickie at Survivor Series. Back to reality, Benoit professes that the shot was accidental.

As he does so, Vickie materializes and gets in Benoit’s face. Blah blah blah, you’re a bastard, blah blah blah, slap. Whatever.

MVP is in Theodore Long’s office, complaining of his upcoming Inferno Match with Kane at Armageddon. They take two or three minutes to say that next week, we’re going to see the MVP and Kennedy take on the Brothers of Destruction. Woo hoo? We already did this a month ago!

Sylvan is out there, being all French. Benoit’s music interrupts him, and the moment Benoit gets in the ring, it’s on.

Total squash, Benoit landing the Triple Germans twice within about 45 seconds. Crippler Crossface, it’s over.

Your winner, by submission, in less time than it took to type all this and format it correctly: Chris Benoit. Sylvan didn’t get in a single offensive move, unless you count “screaming like a little girl and/or Frenchman” as a move.

Fuck. This. Shit. I’ve made my stance on matches featuring The Miz quite forcefully over the past few months.

After the match: The Miz beat the shit out of Scotty and started to do the WORM. Then, Boogeyman’s music hits, and Boogeyman beats the shit out of Miz. Couldn’t. Care. Less.

A Christmas tree and presents is in the corner of a room. And so is Kane, who pops up to show that he is holding his nuts. And he sings “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,” then breaks into maniacal laughter while playing pocket pool, except not in his pocket.

I don’t recap shit I’ve already recapped in this very recap.

KK hits the ring, and we see yet another “Earlier tonight” of his incident with Taker’s hearse. He does his Microphone From Heaven entrance, and hangs out through the…

24

Kane doesn’t get to blow his pyro, as KK nails him a few times as he’s getting in the ring. Bell sounds, and KK’s momentum is cut when Kane nails a big boot.

Kane slams KK’s head off the corner turnbuckle, throat thrusts him to the ground, then chokes him with his boot. More punchy-punchy in the corner, then a scoop slam. Kane follows it up with an elbow drop, and KK crawls over to the corner.

KK temporarily gains control after landing a few punches to Kane’s stomach. Punchy-kicky from KK, until Kane gets a hold of his throat and choke-tosses him to the corner.

Punchy-from Kane, then a leg drop in the middle of the ring. Pin, but kickout.

KK starts to bail, but Kane elbows KK, then suplexes him from the apron into the ring. Kane chucks KK into a corner, but eats an elbow when he attempts to follow up. However, KK eats a clothesline of his own when he tries to follow up his own attack.

KK bails to the outside. Kane follows, and gets punchy-punchy as a result. With Kane stunned and leaning against the apron, KK pulls off the protective padding on the top of the nearby barricade. He goes to face Kane, but the Big Red Machine lands a crisp slap to put KK on his back.

Back in the ring, Kane continues the kicky-punchy-chokey. Kane distracts himself by chasing down the ref for daring to make a four-count during the choke, and when gets back to business, KK throws him out of the ring. Kane immediately climbs back onto the apron, but KK is waiting, and rakes his eyes. KK then dropkicks Kane, and Kane lands forehead-first on the exposed barricade. Ow.

Ref begins his ten-count, but Kane gets back in at eight. However, he slid under the bottom rope, giving KK a chance to be all kicky-kicky again, capping it off with a DDT. Pin, but a kickout at two.

KK tries to move in, but Kane delivers another throat thrust to halt that. Kane tries to introduce KK’s head to the turnbuckle again, but KK fights off the effort, instead slamming Kane’s head into the corner. KK then slips to the side, delivers a Russian Legsweep, and tries a pin, but fails.

KK then thinks he can make Kane tap out, so he slaps on a sleeper. This, naturally, doesn’t work, although it takes a minute for Kane to power out. Although KK breaks the hold, he maintains offense by clubbing Kane’s back, then shoving him into a corner. KK drives his shoulder several times into Kane’s stomach, lands a few punches, and a few more stomps.

KK takes a moment to step away and size up Kane, who is on his ass in the corner. After a moment, KK tries to run in with God-knows-what, but Kane reaches up and grasps KK’s Adam’s apple. Kane to his feet, ready for a chokeslam, but KK boots Kane in the stomach to break it up. KK grasps Kane’s head and jumps for a DDT, but while KK is midair, Kane just pushes him off and away.

A few slaps from Kane keeps KK off-balance, and the follow-up backbody drop puts KK on his back. Kane takes a moment to catch his breath, and KK goes to the corner, where he is promptly clotheslined. Twice. As KK stumbles from the corner, Kane picks him up and drops him with a side slam.

Kane whips KK to the ropes and leans down for a backbody drop, but KK scouts it and lands a neckbreaker instead. KK then climbs to the top rope, but Kane sits up in the meantime. KK tries a flying lariat anyway, but takes a throat thrust. KK falls to his knees, so Kane decides to try his luck with the top rope. Kane’s flying lariat actually lands, then readies his chokeslam.

MVP appears and slides in the ring. Kane sees him and grabs his throat. KK gets to his feet though, and clubs Kane’s back. MVP then attacks Kane, prompting the bell.

Your winner, by disqualification (outside interference of MVP), after 8 minutes: Kane. Good match, for what it needed to accomplish.

After the match: MVP and KK just beat the shit out of Kane with punchy-stompy. Then the lights go out, the crowd lights up, and the Taker’s bell goes off.

After two chimes, the lights come back on. Taker isn’t there, but neither is Kane. For that matter, only MVP is in the ring; KK is out of the ring, and looks confused. He vaults over the barricade, then runs through the crowd, up the stairs.

MVP is more confused than KK, and he dances around the ring. Boom, and Kane’s corner pyro goes off as the ring is bathed in red light. Kane’s music hits, and both heels are still looking for their opponents. Who… never show.

And then, the show is over, and I’m assaulted by the theme song of Friends. I think that’s scarier than the Brothers’ “mind games.”

The one thing I hate about SmackDown! is that when it’s good, it’s really good; but when it’s bad, it’s really bad. The entertaining parts of this episode - Batista vs. Finlay, KK and MVP’s feud with Taker and Kane - were very, very good. Well above average, I’d say. But the parts that sucked - all things Miz and Wang - drained the life out of me.

All in all, the show is, as usual, somewhere between “average” and “boring,” but only because the shitty segments are dragging it down. I would not be upset in the least if they decided to end the ECW Experiment today and shuffle RVD, Lashley, Sabu, and hell, even Striker back to SD. Just get Miz, Boogeyman, Wang, and the whole Guerrero bullshit off my TV, and I’d be happy.

Plus, what the fuck was up with the pacing of the show? I’m not one to pay close attention to workrate numbers or face time or whatever. But the laggy middle - after Batista’s long match but before the main event - really kind of killed my mojo. And come on, there were two times when commercials framed the very minutest amount of actual action and/or storytelling. Someone in power MUST be better at time management than that… right?

Oh well, I suppose it doesn’t matter in the end. I’m primed to check out next week’s episode, especially because I mark out anytime Undertaker (and especially when he’s teamed with Kane) appears on my screen. Got a feeling the Brothers will lose somehow, but I’m still excited to see the match.

And I’m a little guilty of being curious where they’re going with Kendrick and London. They’ve been almost too subtle in the past few weeks of hinting that Kendrick is a little jealous of Ashley’s grab-assing with London that I wonder if they’re doing it on purpose. These are the WWE writers we’re talking about after all: subtlety and slow-burning are not usually their fortes.

All right guys, I’m out for now. One more SmackDown! recap and a column from me next week, and I’ll be done with OO for the short-term. Have some fun this week, get your Christmas shopping done, and I’ll see you in seven days.