Finally: is it pathetic of me that my current favorite Xbox 360 game is Dead or Alive Xtreme 2? Just a question, is all.

We’ve got the Brothers of Destruction vs. Ken Kennedy and MVP. But first…

What the fuck is Cena doing on SmackDown!? I said I wanted to end on a high note, damnit! Tony Chimel, as usual, is way too happy to say Cena’s name, although I still think he warps it to “Jan Cena” to pull off the rolling-throaty effect. Cena gets mostly cheers as his music goes off and he makes his ring entrance, but all those turn to boos as he picks up a mic and stands in the center of the ring. I guess the crowd has spoken: we want to see you, as long as you don’t, you know, do anything.

The crowd changes its mind slightly yet again as Cena goes for a couple cheap pops. See, Cena’s got three reasons for being on SD. The first is that we are in his hometown of BOSTON, MA~! after all. This includes a hug for his dad, who is at ringside, and the promise of a visit to Some Bar after the show for beers and stuff of that nature. OH YEAH~!

The second reason Cena’s here is because it’s the holidays (cheap pop for, I don’t know, December 15th?). He participates in WWE’s secret Santa thing every year, and this year, he got… Michael Cole? Oy. So Cena presents Cole with a giant Christmas sausage (Cena: “an enormous hard salami), a pic of David Hasselhoff, and a “giant bag of salty nuts.” Only the kids under the age of 11 are laughing, although, so is Cole. Sad, huh?

But we’re here for the bid-ness, which brings us to reason number three: Armageddon. We’re going to have both top champs on the same tag side and blah blah blah.

And wouldn’t you know it, King Booker and Finlay come from the backstage. Booker alleges that his and Finlay’s (and Sharmell’s) presence made the skit stop being funny, but that’s not true: it stopped being funny from the second Cena opened his mouth. And yet, the crowd still manages to boo the shit out the heels.

Booker does a lot of blathering, culminating in showing off Batista get his ass beat last week. Or, more accurately, his arm shillelagh-ed. And because this is the season of giving, Booker and Finlay promise to give Cena the same beatdown.

And as the heels approach the ring, Bats’s music hits. He climbs in the ring - left arm taped all around and everything - and just his presence keeps the heels out at ringside.

As Batista flips and kicks the ropes randomly, Theodore Long’s music hits. Long hits the aisle, and for a hype match only basically, we’re going to see Cena vs. Finlay tonight. Woo hoo?

For the love of god… well, I guess I had to recap one of these retarded Wang matches before I died, right?

We’re starting off with Paul London and Gregory Helms. Helms takes the early advantage with like two moves of chain wrestling, before London gets the advantage with an arm whip. Still with Helms’s arm in tow, London tags in Kendrick, and they do a cool double-team spot where London nails a reverse atomic drop at the moment Kendrick hits his elbow into Helm’s collar bone. Well, it would have looked cooler if they had synced up the timing a bit better, but it was neat all the same. Either way, Kendrick goes for a pin, but there’s a kickout at 1.

Kendrick pushes Helms to the corner, but Helms whips Kendrick to the opposite corner. Taylor distracts the ref, and Kendrick tries the “cruiserweight counter” to being tossed into the corner. However, as he’s doing his little half-handstand, Regal comes over and clubs him out of the air. Ouch.

Helms does some stompy-stompy, then whips him into the heel corner. Helms tags in Taylor, who tosses Kendrick across a neutral corner, then slams him with a Samoan Drop. A European uppercut later, Taylor tags out to Regal.

Regal also adds some stompy-stompy, along with a few chokes that use the full of the four-count. As the ref peels away Regal, Helms naturally does some of his own choking on Kendrick. Regal resumes kicky-kicky, then locks on a headlock. However, Kendrick is an inch from the ropes, and he grabs it to break the hold.

More choking and a headlock resthold from Regal. The faces try to pump up the crowd, who aren’t really getting into things. Kendrick eventually powers out, although Regal just lands a belly-to-belly suplex to stop that. Regal tags in Taylor, who throws Kendrick off the ropes, then Zidanes him to the mat.

Taylor loses a step as Kendrick counters the next Irish Whip into a sunset flip, but Kendrick doesn’t have the strength to pull Taylor all the way over before the latter punches the former in the forehead. Another European uppercut, and Kendrick is sent flying back into the heels’ corner. Taylor then tags out to Helms.

Helms does headlock takedown, then locks on a headlock submission. After resting there for like 20 seconds, Helms drags Kendrick to his feet, then scuffles him over to the heels’ corner. Taylor tags back in, lands a cheap kick, then whips Kendrick to a neutral corner. Taylor tries a follow-up charge, but Kendrick moves out of the way and follows up with a stiff kick.

Both men down, but there’s no time for a double-count. Taylor tags in Helms, who manages to nail London before Kendrick can crawl over there and make a tag. Helms tries a suplex, but Kendrick reverses it and manages to land it instead. Kendrick hops to his feet and tag in… ugh… Jimmy Wang Yang.

Wang hops to the top rope, lands a body splash to Helms’s face, then goes all house o’ fire. He winds up pinning Helms, but that doesn’t get anywhere.

The heels decide to throw the rules out the window at that point, and both illegal men hit the ring. London follows suit, dropkicking everyone. Taylor and Regal decide that they’ve had enough, so they bail from the match entirely. Shortly thereafter, while Helms looks on in disgust, Wang takes advantage of the distraction. He lands his high-angle moonsault, and it’s over.

Your winners, by clean pin fall after 5 minutes: Jimmy Wang Yang, Paul London, and Brian Kendrick. Meh. Good action, I suppose… pure formula, though.

Wow, no non-match segment between the first two matches? Huh.

Lockup to start, and Joey shoves Matt in the corner. The break starts clean, and ends with Joey punching Matt in the ribs. After a couple more punches and a clothesline, Joey tries a pin, but it fails miserably.

Joey slams Matt’s head into the turnbuckle, but Matt reverses the follow-up whip. He bulldogs Joey, pins, but there’s a kickout at two.

Matt stays on offense, slapping Joey in the head. Joey winds up during the corner during this, and as Matt tries to whip him to the opposite corner, Joey reverses. “What’s good for the goose,” I guess.

Matt does not fall victim to the follow-up charge however, instead elbowing Joey in the temple. Matt hops up to the second rope, but before he does anything, Joey grabs his ankle and pulls him off, making land HARD on the canvas. Pin, kickout.

Joey goes punchy-kicky, sending Matt to the outside. Joey follows, but only to throw him back in. Pin, fail.

Joey then locks on a sleeper for awhile. Matt tries powering out, but Joey lands a neckbreaker to stop the momentum. Joey then heads up to the second rope, and lands a splash. Pin, kickout at 2.

Matt crawls to the corner, does some punchy-kicky of his own, and winds up doing several clotheslines to take momentum. After a scoop slam, Matt goes to the middle rope, lands an elbow drop, and tries a pin. But no, Joey kicks out.

Matt stays on offense anyway, lands the Side Effect, then the Twist of Fate, and then it’s over.

Your winner, by clean pin fall, after 4 minutes: Matt Hardy. Formulaic… whatever.

MVP is bitching to his agent about the upcoming inferno match. After hanging up, KK appears and tries to pep talk MVP. They argue about who has the worse match this Sunday, then decide that for tonight, they’ll be all on the same page, and stuff. This would be lame if their charisma didn’t carry the segment. It was still overlong though.

Kane and Undertaker are about to make out, but get pissed that the camera is watching them. So Taker, who looks stoned off his ass, looks at the camera and does the eye-rolling thing. No word is spoken, although the shot is sufficiently creepy, and we go to…

As MVP hits the ring, he’s creeped out by the Taker’s hearse, which sits in the middle of the aisle. He eyes it carefully, then scares himself when his own pyro goes off. But he does Broad Gesturing to indicate that it’s all good, so he replaces his glasses and finishes his entrance.

KK also gets creeped out, and even opens the back of it to make sure that Taker isn’t it in. He’s not, so KK finishes his own entrance without calling for God’s Microphone.

Kane, like his opponents, eyes the hearse as well. He just busts into laughter, then puts back on his game face and heads to the ring… and blows his corner pyro. Uh oh.

Taker acknowledges the hearse too as he comes from the back, caressing the back of it as if he’s about start mating with it. He even runs a finger lovingly over the one door handle as he continues on. Ew?

We’re going to have some ads before the match gets underway.

As we fade back from commercial, we’re underway. Kane and KK are in the ring, and Kane is starting off with a kick to KK’s gut. Punchy-punchy, Irish whip, choke toss. That’s a hell of an opener!

Kane throws KK to the corner, and gets elbowed as he tries a charge. KK quickly shuffles to his own corner to tag in MVP, who gets in the ring with all the confidence as if he’s about to face a cruiserweight. MVP goes punchy-kicky, then bounces off the ropes and gets side slammed. Dumbass.

Kane then gets on the top rope, and lands his flying lariat. He knows that a pin this early wouldn’t get anywhere, so he just picks up MVP by his arm and tries to remove it from his shoulder. That doesn’t quite work, so he tags in his brother to the crowd’s delight.

Punchy-punchy, clothesline, choke on the ground. KK protests the choke, so Taker breaks it to run over and forearm KK’s nose, sending him flying off the apron. Taker then casually walks back over to MVP… man, I’m so totally marking out for this! Woo hoo!

More punchy- and arm-related offense by Taker. Taker even starts his Old School, but he does this in a neutral corner. This causes KK to run over and yell what can probably only be an Anti-Semitic remark. Taker is distracted as he tries to figure out if he’s Jewish, and MVP just pulls Taker off the top rope. Looks like the heels have the advantage now.

Tag to KK, who goes ballistic with his punchy-kicky. KK even kicks Taker through the ropes, sending him outside. Although Taker lands on his feet, KK distracts the ref, which gives MVP a chance to run in and land a few cheapshots, including slamming his head into the steel steps.

KK and Taker in the ring, KK continuing the pressure. He tags in MVP, who also continues punchy-punchy offense. The ref finally decides to issue a warning for all these punches, so he pulls MVP away to yell at him. MVP bitches in his defense, giving Taker time to grab him and throw him into the corner.

Taker goes punchy-crazy, then decides to finish what he started by executing an Old School, this time succeeding. Taker whips MVP to the faces’ corner, then picks him up on the rebound in the powerslam position. As Taker spins away from the corner to figure out where he’s going, Kane gets bored and tags himself in, drawing a “What the fuck?” look from Taker. I love seeing Taker confused.

Taker tries a running powerslam to MVP anyway, but MVP slips out and pushes Taker to the corner. While MVP goes punchy-punchy some more, Kane gets in the ring. MVP hits the ropes closest to Taker, and doesn’t see Kane until he’s munching on his leather boot. KK tries to even the odds by getting in the ring, and eats Taker’s boot too.

Kane picks up MVP and nonchalantly tosses him out of the ring. KK wanders around aimlessly until he punches Taker’s hand with his throat. This is, obviously, ineffective. Kane joins in the fun, and we have ourselves a double chokeslam. But KK isn’t the legal man, so rather than go for a pin, both brothers do the cut-throat sign to each other. Not good for Mr. Kennedy.

Taker gets KK up for the Tombstone, but MVP hops up on the apron and pulls KK to safety outside. Taker no likey his plans getting disrupted, so he does his backwards flip to leave the ring. MVP retreats up the aisle past the hearse, and Taker slams MVP’s head against the SmackDown! set. Meanwhile, KK gives a drop toe hold to Kane, whose head bounces off the steel steps.

And we have a bell? Aw crap.

After the match: KK continues to pound on Kane near the steps while Taker smacks around MVP. KK even delivers a rather painful-looking DDT on Kane on the concrete aisle.

Taker and MVP disappear behind the set, and Kane is motionless in the aisle. This gives KK an idea. He hops into the hearse behind the wheel, hotwires it (where’d he learn how to hotwire a hearse?), and…

Wait, here comes MVP from the back, and he’s got no idea what’s going on. He just runs up and stomps the shit out of Kane some more. KK honks the horn (a really fucking hilarious visual), then sticks his head out of the window and tells MVP to get the fuck out of the way. MVP catches up on current events, steps slightly away, and motions for KK to Do It.

KK is ready, puts it in drive, then… the lights go out. One gong, and the lights come on. And Taker is sitting in the passenger’s seat. KK bails once their eyes meet, and he joins MVP near Kane’s body. As the heels quickly turn to run, Kane sits up. The heels shit themselves, then run around the hearse to the back. Taker and Kane make eyes, and Kane busts up laughing, then remembers his head hurts from the beating. Even though he winces, he continues to laugh and smile.

FUCK YEAH, that was entertaining! THAT is how to make a segment to get the crowd hot!

Wow, we’re getting a lot of matches this week, aren’t we?

Funaki doesn’t get an entrance. Chavo enters the ring, but before the match starts, he gets a mic and does the same shtick he’s been doing the last few weeks. Chris Benoit shouldn’t hit a woman this, she’s scarred for life that. He demands that Benoit comes out right now and publicly apologize to her.

After repeating the request twice, Benoit finally hits the ring dressed in a hell of a suit. Crowd starts up an “Eddie” chant as Benoit takes the mic. He says that he owes no apology, as he didn’t do anything, and he certainly won’t apologize for what he’s going to do to Chavo on Sunday.

Benoit leaves the ring without incident, but stays at ringside.

Bell rings, and we’re underway. This is a squash, and even if this is my last SmackDown! recap, I refuse to recap squashes.

Your winner, by clean pin fall after 2 minutes: Chavo Guerrero. Match ended with a Frog Splash.

After the match: Story of the match was Chavo’s constant pointing at Benoit, as if to say “I’m gonna do this to you on Sunday!” before doing something to Funaki. After Chavo got the pin, Benoit tossed aside his suit jacket and slid into the ring.

This naturally lead to a short brawl that ended up with Chavo in the Sharpshooter. Chavo taps, and Vickie gets in the ring. Vickie slaps the hell out of Benoit, who no-sells it. Benoit finally releases the hold after three slaps, and as Vickie cowers in terror and screams, Benoit just smiles without touching her or saying anything. Weird.

Sylvan didn’t get an entrance. I hate squashes, and I hate Vito.

Your winner, by clean pin fall after 4 minutes: Vito. Match ended with a queer pin. That’s all that needs to be said.

Good lord, Kristal is looking good. And good lord, Miz blows.

Okay, I’ll actually recap this since it’s not a match. Miz unfortunately has a mic and goes on to tell us that he’s not afraid of Boogeyman, because he’s been on Fear Factor and Road Rules Challenges. (Miz: “I’ve done creepy crawlers; where I’ve eaten disgusting, sickening things that normal people wouldn’t do.” How many fucking grammatical errors did he make in that sentence? I mean, that’s Randy Orton-caliber, isn’t it?)

Miz says we’re going to do a face-your-fears challenge right now… and in front of him are three covered silver platters on a table. Son of a bitch, I see where this is going. Miz is going to prove that he’s dominant and fearless by eating three fears. Ten bucks says that Boogeyman’s head will be in the third platter.

Under the first platter is a pig’s tongue. Miz eats it. The second has monkey brains. Miz eats it. The third has… worms. And nothing else. Okay, that was unexpected. But Miz can’t swallow this, so he slams the lid of the platter back on the plate.

And then Boogeyman’s head rises from the platter through the worms. You owe me ten bucks.

Miz and Kristal bail. That was gayer than… well, damn near anything.

As Cena makes his entrance I can’t help but notice the crowd pops the exact same way at three separate instances. First is when he holds up his belt, second when he takes off his shirt, and third when he does his retarded “Word Life” gesture. And the crowd, at least all the ones facing the camera, don’t react at all, yet we hear this pop? I’ve got a feeling WWE is piping the crowd noise in. Jerks.

Lockup, clean break in the corner. Lockup, with Finlay putting Cena in a headlock. Cena pushes Finlay off the ropes, but Finlay takes down Cena with a shoulderblock. Finlay hit the ropes again, hops over Cena when the champ tries to trip him up, ducks under Cena’s leapfrog, then suffers one of those Wacky Hip Tosses we all know and love. Or hate. Whatever. This is followed by a scoop slam, an elbow drop, and a failed pin.

Finlay tries to beg off, but no dice against The Marine, who boots him into a corner. Cena whips him to the opposite corner, but telegraphs his follow-up charge and eats both of Finlay’s boots. Finlay lands an uppercut, a punch, and a clothesline to floor the champ. Finlay then locks on a nerve hold or whatever, morphs that to a face lock, then elbows Cena. Finlay reapplies the nerve hold, and as Cena tries to power out, Finlay again switches to a face lock and an elbow.

Finlay tries again with the nerve hold, but Cena blocks it and lands a few rights. Finlay stops the momentum with a boot to Cena’s stomach. Finlay tries a whip, but Cena reverses it, and lands a belly to belly suplex. Cena pins, but Finlay kicks out at two.

Finlay tries to crawl out of the ring, but Cena drags him back in and drops two elbows. Then Cena channels an idiotic cruiserweight, hits the ropes, and lands a body splash. Pin, kickout.

Finlay crawls to the corner, and Cena picks him up, readying what was probably a suplex. Finlay reverses it however, twisting Cena’s arm. Finlay delivers a headbutt from this position, then whips him into the corner. Cena drops after Finlay gets him with a running shoulder attack to his ribs.

Finlay rolls him out to do my favorite set of spots: the apron spot. Cena is on his stomach, his head over the apron edge, as Finlay slides out to ringside. Finlay first pulls up Cena’s head and slams it to the apron. Then, Cena rolls onto his back, and Finlay follows up with an elbow to Cena’s forehead. Damn, I love apron spots.

Finlay gets back in the ring, but Cena grabs Finlay quickly in a small package. Finlay escapes after a two-count, then regains momentum after clotheslining the champ. Finlay then goes for a whip on Cena, who reverses, and delivers… well, I’m sure it was supposed to be a drop toe hold, but something got fucked up along the way and Finlay didn’t quite drop the whole way. After realizing he blew the spot, Finlay just took a dive whilst Cena’s legs, though still wrapped around Finlay’s, didn’t move.

Cena tries going for the STF here, but Finlay reaches the ropes before it can get locked in. Finlay slides out of the ring, but Cena follows. As Cena tries to get a hold of Finlay, Finlay manages to hit Cena’s… er, collarbone? Sure, we’ll go with that.

Finlay, back on offense, grabs Cena and rams his back into the apron edge, then follows up with a stiff right. Finlay then looks under the ring apron on Cena’s right, and Little Bastard appears… on Cena’s left. Huh. Finlay picks up LB, and tosses him at Cena. Cena catches him, then tries to return him by air mail. Finlay moves, and JBL winds up catching him, much to his confusion. LB slaps JBL until he’s released, then tries to get around the announcers’ desk, and he trips over a camera cord in the process.

JBL smacks at LB with his hat a couple times, but he drops his hat after the third hit. LB then picks up the hat and start fighting with JBL, despite JBL now standing and LB’s head not reaching his kneecap. Meanwhile, Finlay bounces Cena’s head off the announcers’ desk, although the crowd seems more into JBL vs. LB at the moment. Finlay manages to corral LB, at least enough to get him back under the ring, although both announcers have been ejected from their position. And then we go to…

The announcers have reset, and Cena is suffering an armlock in the ring. We learn through the magic of replay that Cena was chucked shoulder-first into the steel steps outside, hence the armlock now.

Cena manages to get to his feet and drive Finlay into the corner, breaking the hold. However, Finlay runs from there and lands a clothesline, followed by a weird leg drop (that is really more of a “hip drop” or “ass drop”). Finlay pins, kick out at two.

Finlay continues to work on the arm with a strike and an armlock. Cena claws his way to his feet, and despite his arm being twisted, he manages to do a standing backbody drop on Finlay to break the hold. Cena tries to attack, but takes a drop toe hold, and Finlay locks in another armbar. Finlay doesn’t keep the hold on for long, opting to drop a knee directly on Cena’s shoulder.

Cena gets to his feet after the attack, and he manages to deliver a standing elbow strike to Finlay’s chin. Cena’s momentum carries him against the ropes, and with that injured arm, he can’t do much but lean against them. Finlay takes the chance to club Cena in the back of the head, then toss him out of the ring.

Finlay follows him out, and Cena is conveniently using part of the steel stairs - the top part that got separated from the bottom - to pull himself to his feet. Finlay grabs the injured arm, then slams it against the steel, then the ring apron.

Back in the ring, Finlay locks on another armlock. Cena lays on his side as he takes this, but he manages to get to his feet with Finlay in the FU position. Finlay wiggles out of that, and they exchange blows. Cena gets the better of it, then throws Finlay off the ropes and readies a backbody drop. Finlay scouts this and kicks Cena in the face. Finlay tries to follow up, but Cena gets Finlay up to the FU again. Finlay escapes a second time, this time with a thumb to the eye. Cena clotheslines Finlay though, stopping short the heel’s momentum.

Cena then starts up his wacky shit, with a Wacky Clothesline, Wacky Shoulderblock, and Wacky Belly to Back Suplex. Cena taunts, drops the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but lands hard on that left arm and can’t make the pin.

Finlay goes to the corner while Cena flashes his Word Life gesture, then notices Finlay in the corner. Cena charges left shoulder-first, but Finlay moves, and Cena slams into the ring post. Finlay doesn’t hesitate, and lands the Celtic Cross on Cena. Pin, 1, 2… No, Cena kicks out!

Finlay heads over to a corner and pulls off the padding of the turnbuckle. The ref spots this, pulls the padding away, and tries to replace it. Meanwhile, Little Bastard reappears and slides a chair into the ring. Finlay takes it, but Cena kicks the chair directly into the face of Finlay. The ref turns around and confusedly looks at the chair, but since he didn’t see what happened with it, it’s all legal.

As the ref kicks the chair out of the ring, Cena gets Finlay up for the FU. Third time’s a charm, it seems.

Your winner, by clean pin fall after 15 minutes total including commercials (11 minutes without): Superposer. Okay, I liked the psychology there with the whole injured arm thing, but naturally it made no difference in the end.

After the match: During Cena’s celebration, King Booker came through the crowd. We’ve got a brawl, until Finlay joins in and nails Cena in the back with the shillelagh. The crowd pops, not because Cena lost half his vertebrae, but because Batista comes flying down the aisle. Although Bats cleans house, JBL makes a good point: the damage is done, and Cena definitely ain’t 100% anymore. Neither is Batista, of course.

Good story heading into Armageddon this Sunday… although not enough for me to buy it.

Meh. As has been par for the course the last few months, the good of SmackDown has been damn good. And the bad has been really fucking bad.

I could not think of a more entertaining match for Taker, Kane, KK, and MVP. I thought their first outing (with the two restarts) would have been the peak, but that’s thankfully not true. And although Cena annoys me and shouldn’t be on SD, at least they told the story well in the ring, which is really all I can ask for.

The main event ended well, and Taker/Kane was so great that the combined effort of those two segments offset the stupidity of Miz, Boogeyman, Vito, Chavo, and Benoit. Plus I’m still not entirely sure I know what’s going on with the tag champs… as long as they’re telling the story of this slow-burn with Ashley being caught between them, I like it. Assuming, of course, they’re doing that slow-burn on purpose. Other than that, screw it; they’re not very interesting.

All in all, another decent episode, but it’s no better than that. It’s a shame, because if they’re just cut Boogeyman loose or put him on ECW with Kevin Thorne, we’d be cool. There’s a good amount of potential here, but of course, most of it is untapped. Stupid, stupid WWE.

Okay, that’s it for me. Again, check out my farewell column if you’ve got time. Either way, I’m sure I’ll be back to Online Onslaught eventually, but for now, I’ll bid you all goodbye.

Thanks for reading, not just this recap, but anything you’ve read of mine in the last two years. Take care, all!