At least Boeing gave me plenty of material to work with when I had to fulfill the “give examples of when your assigned company has not

Pre-Segment 1: So I’m playing a bit of catch-up again this week. Last week saw the return of Jimmy the Wang, as well as the promise that we’ll get to see Edge vs. Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell match at SummerSlam. That’s almost enough of a reason for me to buy it… but not quite.

We also got a new feud between Jeff Hardy and MVP, and they’re bringing Jeff’s real-life volcano-related issues into it. Very cool… I guess with all the injury issues plaguing MVP/Matt last year, they’re restarting the feud with the other brother?

As we get the show started, we’re told that Edge is doing his Cutting Edge segment at some point, and we’re going to see him with a “special guest.”

Speaking of Jeff, he comes out shortly. He’s not here to be in a match, but rather he’s watching the next one, starring none other than MVP himself.

Segment 1 [Singles Match]: MVP defeats Jimmy the Wang by pin. The match was all right but way too flippin’ short; both guys are capable of much better. Things ended when Jimmy whiffed on a crossbody from the top rope… MVP followed up with a kick to his head.

Post-Segment 1: Jeff gets in the ring and bitches out MVP for talking trash prior to the match. He threatens that if MVP talks about the house fire, or the death of his dog, or anything else that’s personal again, it’s on. MVP goes for a kick in Jeff’s ribs, but Jeff cuts that off with a Twist of Fate. Jeff wins the moral victory here! Go Jeff go!

Segment 2: Vickie Guerrero is in the back, being wheeled around by Chavo Guerrero and Bam Neely. They spot Alicia, the wedding planner… as the commentators posit, what the hell is she still doing around?

Segment 3 [Singles Match]: Mr. Kennedy defeats Shelton Benjamin by pin. I haven’t seen a match on SmackDown! this good in months, and I haven’t see a match this good out KK ever. Fucking-A, baby.

I do not fail to see that Shelton Benjamin was in the match; I’ve long since argued, since his demotion after his awesome match and feud with Triple H back when “Evolution” was a current stable, that he is by far the most underrated guy in the whole frickin’ federation. And I think if I had a match with Shelton Benjamin, he could make me look like I was the next Kurt Angle and Undertaker all rolled into one. That I would probably die of collapsed lungs on the first dropkick is irrelevant; he is that damn good.

This isn’t to say KK blows chunks or anything, and I admit I might be bias overall since, hey, I love KK. But damn, was this a hot match, main event-worthy, and an excellent precursor of things to come. More, I say: MORE!!!

Post-Segment 3: Diva Search Eve (I think) interviewed Shelton directly after the match as he descended the ring stairs. Weird. Shelton, brilliant on the mic as well in the ring, says verbatim: “I’m not gonna sit here and make a bunch of excuses. I’m the Gold Standard: I don’t do that. But to tell you the truth, I probably shouldn’t have been out there tonight, because I’m suffering from an acute case of bronchitis, and I’m just not feeling well.”

Douche. And I mean that in the most respectful, awed way. SB makes it look so fucking easy, it’s unreal.

Segment 4: Hawkins and Ryder are playing on a PSP or something, and Chavo busts in, asking who Edge’s special guest is on the Cutting Edge. They don’t know, so Chavo tells them to tell him the instant they do. They promise they’re right on it; and as soon as he leaves, they’re back to playing “Pimp My Ride.”

Pre-Segment 5: Brian Kendrick (who’s going by “The Brian Kendrick” these days) and his buddy Ezekiel hit the ring and tell us that he’s never cared about us, he doesn’t care about us, and he never will care about us. Hey, the feeling is mutual buddy: you haven’t earned that “The” yet.

Segment 5 [Singles Match]: Brian Kendrick (w/ Ezekiel) defeats Stevie Richards by pin. At first I was damn sure this would be a squash, but SR made a match out of it toward the end. However, he let Ezekiel distract him, and he took that reverse Stratisfaction to lose.

After the match, Ezekiel put SR in the Torture Rack for about five seconds. I guess we know what his finisher is.

Segment 6 [Singles Match]: Khali (w/ Medulla Oblongata) defeats Jeff Hardy by referee stoppage. Khali dominated the entire match, until Jeff got a hope spot where he followed up a Whisper in the Wind with a Swanton Bomb. Before making the pin though, MVP came out. All he did was distract Jeff, but that was enough for Khali to slap on the Greco-Roman Head Squish of Doom. The ref ended it once Jeff fell asleep from boredom.

Segment 7 [Singles Match]: Maria defeated Victoria by pin. If you know anything about me, you’ll know who I was cheering for in this match. Hint: It’s not the girl who needs to eat 4 dozen McDonald’s cheeseburgers in order to break 90 pounds.

Victoria dominated the whole match, until Maria whipped out the shittiest offense ever, including the match-ending “flying lariat” that looked like she fell off the top rope with Victoria following suit from laughing too hard.

I really hope Victoria gets to go to RAW at some point and become something more than the female version of Barry Horowitz. It almost makes me want to buy a billion pizzas from her pizza place in Kentucky (does she still even own it?) just to remind her how much she’s worth.

Segment 8: Edge and Alicia are chatting each other up in the back, and Edge asks her to come to the Cutting Edge because of how totally awesome the surprise guest is going to be. Hm…

Segment 9 [Singles Match]: Big Show squashes Domino by pin. Domino didn’t get an entrance and I refuse to recap squashes.

Post-Segment 9: As Big Show celebrates his, heh, “victory,” Umaga hits the ring. The two guys circled each other, but nothing came of it.

Segment 10: Chavo, Vickie, and Bam discuss who the special guest star is, but still none of them know.

Segment 11: After a commercial, we now come to the Cutting Edge. The man himself hits the ring, and… damn, he’s got tears in his eyes. It’s official: Edge has shown more acting talent than John Cena ever has. Maybe they should have had him star in The Marine.

As Edge gets in the ring, we see that it’s carpeted in black as usual. It’s got a table (with a very noticeable dip in the center) in one corner, and a ladder in the other corner. This can’t be good.

Edge takes center-stage, or center-ring as it were, and is bathed in a spotlight almost like KK when he calls for God’s Microphone. Edge tells us that he’s been trying to find some inner peace all week, but he’s too nervous about Hell in a Cell to really find it. Edge says he made the mistake of watching all the footage of all the Hell in a Cell matches, which just feeds into his nightmares.

But tonight, there’s a bit of peace, because he’s surrounded himself with TLC, which is his specialty. Plus, he’s found that one person who can help him not only survive HIAC, but win. It’s the one who knows the Taker more than anyone else…

Edge rolls out of the ring and declares: it’s Mick Foley. Edge gets back in the ring and begs Mick to come into the ring; because Edge actually said the word “please,” Mick accepts.

Edge blathers that, though they’ve got history between them, he still wants Mick’s help. Edge “knows” there’s still that lingering thought in Mick’s mind about how horrible HIAC is, but just in case…

We see a video package of 1998 highlights, including… ugh, damnit, another reminder of Rock’s existence. Okay, yes, this one was in context, but come on, we need to stop seeing them <http://www.oowrestling.com/recaps/raw/20080725.shtml>. Anyway, we see clips of the famous HIAC match, including Mick’s drop from the top through the announcing table, a spot I still can’t watch without cringing.

Edge says that while Mick walked away under his own power, Mick no longer can walk the same after the match, even a decade later. So because that fire, that anger, of what Taker did to him, he needs to help Edge. It would relieve his mental pain; all the demons would be gone.

Mick nods a couple times, and agrees that he never was the same since then. But, though there is a part of Mick that would like to help him, he can’t. The one thing Mick’s got left, he says, is his word and bond to us: Mick has said for years that “Edge is the greatest superstar in WWE even when it hasn’t been popular to say.” However, we fans boo him, because we see a different Edge, a dishonorable Edge, one who will cheat to win and work the system (and his wife) to get ahead.

But Mick does know the one person who can help him: Edge himself. And Mick becomes so fucking brilliant here that I’m just going to type what he said verbatim:

“You need to look inside your heart, your soul, and inside your mind, and find the Edge who made me say ‘You are the greatest superstar in WWE.’ Remember the Edge who shattered through the glass ceiling when everyone else said it wouldn’t be popular? You need to find that Edge: the Edge who took the letters T-L-C and made them mean something! The Edge who smelled his own flesh burning and didn’t mind because it reminded him of victory!

“You and I, Edge, we engaged in the greatest hardcore matchup in Wrestlemania history just two years ago! And you need to find that Edge, because if you do, then JR and I will sit at SummerSlam, and we will call… And our fans around the country and around the world will bear witness to what I know can be the greatest, most-exciting, innovative, and violent matchup in WWE history.

“You need to find that Edge, and bring him to SummerSlam. Because if that cell door slams shut, and the Undertaker stares face-to-face at this Edge, the white tuxedo-wearing Edge, the Loofah sponge-bathing Edge, the teeter-totter-riding Edge, the down-on-his-knees saying ‘Forgive me baby, I can’t live, I won’t live without your love’ Edge… You bring that Edge to SummerSlam, and with God as my witness, and with a body that remembers every fall ten years after the date, you bring this Edge, and the Undertaker will tear you apart! Am I understood?!”

A pause as Edge collects himself.

“Am I understood?”

Edge raises the microphone to his mouth… he says he understands… then smashes Mick in the face with the mic. The fight goes outside the ring, and Mick gets the upper hand. He digs a chair out from under the ring, but Edge kicked it right into his face. As Mick recovered, Edge Spears him, and as Mick falls back, he slams his head into the ring steps.

Edge gets in the ring and adjusts the ladder and table into more favorable positions. The crowd starts up a chant for the Taker as Mick gets in the ring. Mick starts a Mandible Claw, but takes a low blow and breaks it. Edge positions Mick on the table, then climbs the ladder whilst holding a chair. Edge jumps off and plants the chair directly onto Mick’s face, shattering the table and knocking out the hardcore legend.

We see replays; afterwards, Edge stands over Mick’s limp body, smiling.

Final Thoughts: Christ… if WWE had writing and personalities like this more often, its ratings wouldn’t be in the toilet. All the stupid piddly shit during the rest of the show, such as the divas match and Big Show/Umaga tease that got nowhere, is all forgiven. Mick Foley is brilliant, absolutely fucking brilliant… and the hell of it is, Edge kept up with him beautifully. Edge was borderline psychotic, wobbling on that line between insane brawler and cowardly pussy in a second-to-second basis. His expressions and body language fell in line beautifully just by how Mick’s own intensity and cadence changed. It got to the point where the crowd just shut the hell up and listened, I mean really listened… How long has it been since any superstar commanded that kind of power and response? And while the speech may not translate that well to text (it’s easy to be redundant when speaking off-the-cuff and being intense), you need to hear it. You need to just jack up the volume on the TV as high as possible, sit back, and just listen.

Damn I miss Mick Foley and 1998.

The entire show just clicked tonight. Like Rick, I tend to judge a show with more biased to the last segment. That is, a great match or a great angle at the end can make up for deficiencies, and bad ones can make a great show come down. A mood killer, if you will.

And while the final segment is the exact type of thing that would make non-wrestling fans finally understand just why we enjoy this goofy form of entertainment, the rest of the show was above average as well. Jeff/MVP is being handled great, and it’s easily the second-best story they’ve got going. And even though Big Show/Umaga didn’t do anything tonight, you could feel a few sparks of rivalry between them. Throw in Kennedy and Shelton making each other look like fucking technical masters, and you’ve got a show that made RAW look even more lame than it already is. And we still didn’t see neither Undertaker nor Triple H, both of whom would have made the crowd explode and get into anything even more.

I’m praying this isn’t a one-off awesome week and it settles back into the mediocrity we’ve seen the last few months. Keep it up, WWE… just keep this night up, and you’ll be bringing fans back faster than any number of stupid WWE movies or money giveaways will.