by Erin Anderson
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

As I sat down this week to write, I drew a blank. Not because I was suffering from writer's block, but because there really isn't a whole hell of a lot to write about. Offhand, I couldn't even remember what happened on Raw and Smackdown!, with two small exceptions: the Benoit/Cena match last night, and the growing rift between Kevin Nash, Triple H, and Shawn Michaels.

Why was I having so much trouble remembering what I saw just last night on Smackdown!?  And Raw? Forget it. Perplexed, I consulted my trustworthy yet ignorant mark of a brother (known as "Bert," if you haven't seen previous columns of mine) on this issue.

His take on it? "Dude, this week fuckin' sucked."

Such a simple reply with such complex undertones. Let's review the matches for the past week to gain some insight, starting with Raw:

- Test v. Chris Jericho (but let's face it here, the star of the show was Stacy's ass)

- Trish & Ivory v. Victoria & Jazz

- Kane & Rob Van Dam v. Lance Storm & Chief Morely

- Christian v. Goldust (does this even qualify with such a quick DQ?)

- Nowinski/Steiner "debate" (I won't even go there)

- Triple H/Ric Flair v. Booker T/Hurricane

There's hardly a barn-burner in the whole bunch, and the only really compelling match was the main event. But the main focus and strength of Raw lies in the storytelling; it's what differentiates the show from Smackdown! Does anyone really watch Raw in the hopes of seeing a great wrestling match?

The main-event scene is dominated by Triple H, Nash, and HBK, something that a lot of Internet fans aren't happy with. Fuck that. While I’m all for giving mid-carders their chance to shine in the main event, the fireworks were bound to erupt between these three, and Nash's return is the best time to address the issue. The fans want to see it, and I say give it to them. Nash's return needs to be capitalized upon before fans get tired of him, and making his first big match back in WWE a tag team affair is a smart move.

WWE has missed the boat on one facet of this feud so far, though: Chris Jericho. He's thrown into the mix because of his history with Shawn Michaels, but hasn't been given any significant mic time. Why would WWE shove him into the background, when he's the best talker out of the six men involved in the main event for Backlash?

Aside from some exciting storytelling in the main event, however, Raw has been mediocre at best. The tag team division is beyond stale; we can only see so many matches between Kane/RVD and Storm/Morely with interference from the Dudleys before we get bored. Sure, the Duds just turned face, but that puts a feud with the face champions on the back burner for now. Who's left? Three Minute Warning? Excuse me, I must go burst into a fit of laughter.

Raw really hurt in the absence of Steve Austin and the Rock; in my opinion, taped appearances with the Rock don't even really count as appearances. The magic of his mic work lies in his ability to play off live crowds, and the slightly disjointed "interview" with Lawler and the Coach didn't really do much for the audience or his brewing feud with Goldberg.

And the saga of Test and Stacy… does anyone really care? The fun of the Testicles gimmick wore off months ago, and Test really isn't anything without Stacy at his side. Audiences don't care enough about his character to give two shits about his relationship problems, and him turning heel by dumping Stacy won't give him much heat to run on. He's had his chances, and the crowd simply doesn't respond to him; it's pretty safe to say that he's a lost cause.

In short, Raw was really boring when you take away the main event. What happened to great top-to-bottom shows? There's nothing truly memorable about the mid-carders, and the viewers don't have the attention span to sit through all that crap, waiting for the main event to come on.

Perhaps we should be happy that WWE seems to have outgrown its penchant for incredibly stupid angles (Katie Vick, Al Wilson), but we're not left with much in their absence. Case in point: last night's Smackdown! To recap the show…

- Mysterio & Tajiri v. A-train & Big Show (was there a point to this?)

- Eddie Guerrero v. Jamie Noble (too short to really be anything)

- Piper's Pit

- Torrie v. Nidia (a couple of women who really can't hold their own in the ring yet)

- Matt Hardy v. Brian Kendrick (again, not given the time it needed to establish Brian Kendrick as a legitimate cruiserweight title contender)

- Nunzio v. Nathan Jones

- Benoit v. Cena

There's a glaring lack of star power on this show -- no Undertaker, no Angle, and no Hogan. The Guerreros and Team Angle provided for a funny moment, but most of the show was truly yawn-worthy. Torrie and Sable aren't going anywhere. Roddy Piper was funny last week; this week, his incessant, incoherent rambling was incentive enough for me to change the channel, despite the appearance of Jimmy Snuka. Matches that could turn into great feuds (like Matt Hardy and Brian Kendrick) aren't given enough time to really get over with the crowd.

The only really great match of the night was Cena v. Benoit. Cena should provide a nice distraction for Brock Lesnar until Angle comes back (what? You really think Cena has a chance at the title right now?), or better yet, until Chris Benoit is back in the title picture. The seeds were planted for a feud between Benoit and Lesnar in their promo last night, and could lead to the best match of Lesnar's career so far; his best in-ring performances are against wrestlers who can truly get it done in the ring.

But like Raw, anything that wasn't part of the main-event picture on Smackdown! was rather unexciting. Is anyone really dying to see Rey Mysterio face off against the Big Show? The only positive place that this feud can go is for David to defeat Goliath at Backlash, and give Rey some momentum as a legitimate threat outside of the cruiserweight division.

Sadly enough, the most promising aspect of the show is the "injury" to Nathan Jones. With any luck, WWE will do an angle in which Jones is arrested, sent off to jail, and never to be seen again. Hell, maybe it'll happen in real life.

But it's pretty obvious that WWE isn't giving us any reasons to stay tuned in for the entire two hours of Raw or Smackdown! The problem? We're not used to being surprised, other than the returns of wrestlers like Goldberg and Nash. We've already seen that bringing in new (or old) superstars won't spike ratings, unless that superstar's name is Stone Cold Steve Austin.

We're not surprised by anything anymore. We're not given something to talk about, much less remember, the day after the show. WWE wants a buzz around their shows? Give Booker the title on Monday's Raw -- can you think of a bigger "holy shit" moment than having him win the title from the infallible Triple H on free television? That would shock all of us, in a good way. In a similar way with a lesser title, give Brian Kendrick a surprise win over Matt Hardy, and leave the title on the kid for months. Everyone likes cheering the underdog, and constantly giving him victories in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds makes for fun and exciting television.

Or to really mix things up for the Backlash six-man tag match, have Nash side with Triple H and turn Jericho face at the same time. That'd sure fuck up the main event, wouldn't it? It'd be guaranteed fun, though, to see Jericho come to the defense of his childhood wrestling idol when Triple H and Nash take an HBK beat-down just a bit too far. Once again, it's a surprise, but a good one.

Swerves don't have to be revelations of necrophilia and drunk-driving, or lesbian-based storylines for the perverse enjoyment of Vince McMahon. Simpler storylines that can be explained in the ring with titles changing hands or loyalties to other wrestlers can make for the best television, and pull WWE out of the mediocrity it seems to be permanently stuck in right now. And it'd make us want to watch every week.

E-MAIL ERIN
BROWSE THE BROAD'S ARCHIVES

Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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