Anyway, I also have to assume that the cause of the even greater-than-usual number of corrections I received via e-mail is that I picked the wrong day to make a stupid mistake. Noted Ultimate Warrior Nostalgia-ist Bill Simmons sends a few new (and a few OLD, who didn't know where I went after SportsLine) readers my way, and *that's* the day I pick to completely whiff on Warrior's Greatest Moment? Oh well....

I assume it's more than made up for by the fact that the 10 minutes of wind blown by Simmons' buddies on "Baseball Tonight" last night were directly cribbed from Online Onslaught dot Com. Just replace "Delmon Young" with "Randy Orton," and you'll see EXACTLY what I mean. Oh, and just in case you're a tad on the slow side, also replace "throwing a bat with an umpire" with "pooping in girls' gym bags amongst other countless acts of douchebaggery." But the rest was spOOkily reminiscent of 2000-word rants I've done in the last 3 weeks.

But none of this is why we're here today.... my screw-up thus acknowledged, it's time to continue this oddly-upbeat week at OO by turning our attention to Backlash. A rare brand-specific PPV that actually has some teeth to it.

I sum up my muted-enthusiasm pretty simply: I don't know what's going to happen, and I actually care about finding out. With everything that's going on on RAW -- and in the wrestling industry as a whole -- lately, the main event becomes an insanely intriguing affair. Just on its own merits, the story has been told -- and the characters built up -- so well that nobody has a clue who's gonna win. I mean that. Even typing this up before all the trOOps have completed their picks, we're divided almost exactly evenly, and we're the smartest wrestling pundits you know!

But then throw in the fact that whoever wins this title match will figure strongly into the rebirth of ECW (by appearing on the One Night Stand PPV), and things get even murkier. You honestly can't decide who'll win. Or at least, I can't. But because the WWE Champ is figuring so prominently in some upcoming interesting developments, I can't wait to find out who DOES win. It's rare when WWE gets this equation just right.

Usually, the times I can't figure out who's gonna win a match is because they're storytelling has been so mind-numbingly awful that I just can't bring myself to care. Not so, come this Sunday.

And there's a few other cases of Ambiguity on the card, too. Maybe not as pronounced as the main event, but they're there, and that adds to the appeal of the event for me.

But enough prelude-y jibber-jabber from me. Let's assemble the Staff of Online Onslaught for some PPV Previewing and Prognosticating! Here's our ultra-in-depth look at the as-announced 7-match card for the Backlash pay-per-view.....
 

JOHN CENA vs. TRIPLE H vs. EDGE
WWE Title Match

Cena beat Edge to regain the WWE Title 3 months ago, and then beat him in a rematch. Cena beat HHH at WrestleMania, fending off his challenge. And yet: Cena can't buy a cheer and he's still dealing with these two foes. Such is life when fans don't particularly give a shit about the old Hogan-esque "Superman" babyface. Or at least: not one who all fans over the age of 19 would rather slap in the face than cheer for.

Instead of WM22 being Cena's crowning achievement, it wound up being Just Another Win. The next night on RAW, HHH interrupted him during a promo to announce that he'd only "made the mistake of underestimating Cena," and that the Cerebral Assassin doesn't repeat mistakes: he learns from them. Then Edge interrupted the interruption by coming out to point out that HHH was the challenger, and he has no re-match clause, so to the back of the line with you, Trips!

This bit of verbal bantering ended up resulting in a HHH/Edge vs. Cena match later that night. The finish of that match? Well, HHH pinned Cena to re-establish his claim at a title shot, but made sure to do it only AFTER Pedigree'ing his own partner Edge for the hell of it.

So: everybody hates everybody, and let's just book us a three-way match for the next PPV!

They ran through every other iteration of the handicap matches on RAW (with Cena and then Edge scoring pinfalls, so everybody's even on that front), and didn't really bother playing any heed to face/heel considerations, since the FANS aren't paying any heed. Cena's ostensibly the only babyface in this match, and yet for the past month, his Boo Ratio has ranged from 40% (in a friendly town) to 98% (in London). If ANYbody is a babyface in this match heading in, it might be HHH. But then again: the PPV is in Kentucky, and let's not underestimate the likelihood of Kentuckians to still think a white guy pretending to be black is cool! And based on the fucking obnoxious OVW crowd, let's not underestimate the likelihood of Kentuckians to be 16-year-old fangirl ring rats who probably all think Cena's the dreamiest dreamboat who ever lived.

But I digress: point is, they've told this story really well, they've given all three guys the key wins they need over the others so that you don't have a clue who'll win the final showdown, they've let them cut promos and build personalities so that you actually buy into all three guys, and now they've put them together in this match. I am, I'm not ashamed to say, intrigued.

I think the match'll be well-worked, almost certainly better worked than the Cena/HHH match at WM22 was. But like Cena/HHH at WM22, the ringwork will only be part of the story. Because if the fan reaction and the drama and the excitement is anything like I suspect it'll be, you COULD bust out 15 minutes of slow-ass nothing like Cena and Hunter did at Mania, and it'd still be fun to watch. It's just that I'm quite certain that with a third man in the mix (and that man being Edge), some of the standard Triple Threat Psychology will dictate a much faster pace and a much better story to this match than what happened at Mania. And with the sizzle and crowd heat still added on as a bonus.

Like I said: I really am looking forward to this one.
  

VINCE and SHANE McMAHON vs. SHAWN MICHAELS and "GOD"
Very Special "If You're a Heathen Like The Rick, Then This is Basically Just a Handicap Match" Match

I'm not going to retell the whole "story" of the McMahons vs. Michaels. If you want to see me ranting about how poorly-handed it was heading into WM22, just go read the WrestleMania 22 PPV Preview.

I'll just tell the rest of the story starting from there, which is that Vince adopted a sudden Religion Fetish. He grudgingly said a prayer at WM22, then lost, and then got mad at God for forsaking him. The next night on RAW, Vince decided that if Shawn thinks he's really so bad ass, and if Shawn's God hates Vince so much, then what they oughta do is have a tag team match: Vince and Shane vs. Shawn and God.

Sound stupid to you? Well, it is. But the past few weeks have had their moments. Vince was deliciously blasphemous in a pre-taped skit inside a church. Shane's been hilarious as the guy who's smart enough to know that his dad has flipped out, but he has to remain loyal and keeps trying to steer his dad away from egregious acts of blasphemy. And then this past Monday, we got a RAW where Shane and Shawn had a one-on-one match that showed that even if there's only one "wrestler" in this match at Backlash, they can still bust out the high spots and the Sports Entertainment-y Goodness.

Only possible drawback to this one being top-shelf fun: the whole God Thing. We've already allegedly had "God" manifest himself in the form of some of the Undertaker's awful Gay Spooky Pyro, and certainly something like that could happen again at a key point on Sunday and send my mood AND the quality of the segment straight into the crapper. Whatever god I may or may not believe in, I just know that I'll never pay homage to a deity who has nothing better to do on a Sunday night than shoot off lame ass pyro to intimidate Vince McMahon. And doesn't God rest on Sundays, anyways?

There's also the whole realm of theories out there that Shawn will have a flesh-and-blood partner show up. Afterall.... "Foley is God," right? And JBL's a "Wrestling God." And Triple H keeps calling himself the "King of Kings" (*and* is joining Michaels in bringing back a load of DX Iconography, and clearly, here during the waning days of Blasphemy in Wrestling Month, the Crotchchop is the new Sign of the Cross!). But I don't like any of those options, either. Too hacky.

What I'd be fine with is Michaels just seeming one notch more Superman-ish on Sunday, imbued with a strength and resilience that not even HE knew he had. And let that be the end of it. I'm the furthest thing from being a religious man, but I also see no reason to insult pious folk or their God by getting cheesy. Wouldn't Michaels just having a little something extra inside of himself be the classiest way to depict a Higher Power, while ALSO not shoving a belief system down the throats of Heathens Like Me?

Nobody could portray this better than Michaels.... he's had performances (like at Survivor Series '02, just off the top of my head) where he's bleeding like mad and getting his ass kicked in the most decisive possible way, and yet he somehow endures and ends up winning. Turn that dial up just a little bit more, make sure the announcers are ready to mention the God Aspect, and I think you have an understated-yet-effective way of God having a tasteful and effective WWE Debut. 
  

ROB VAN DAM vs. SHELTON BENJAMIN
Winner Take All: Money in the Bank Title Shot vs. InterContinental Title Match

Story here is simple: Rob Van Dam won the six-way Money in the Bank Ladder Match at WrestleMania, but Shelton was (quite demonstrably) the star of the match. So a week after Mania, Shelton decided he wanted to challenge RVD for the MitB Title Shot. RVD, quite smartly, refused to put his title shot on the line up against nothing, and insisted on a shot at Shelton's IC Title.

The next week: RVD proposes a match in which he picks Shelton's opponent. If Shelton can beat the mystery man, RVD will put up his MitB Title Shot and that's all. But if Shelton loses to the mystery man, Shelton puts up the IC Title and that's all.

Of course, Shelton lost to his former tag partner, Charlie Haas. But he also went whining to Mr. McMahon, who put things right by putting the wheels in motion, eventually turning this into a "Winner Take All" match. RVD's Money in the Bank title shot is up for grabs as well as Shelton's InterContinental Title.

Simple, elegant, and effective on the storyline side. And in the ring? This really ought to be a pleasure to watch. The first time these two hooked up, it was a bit of a letdown, but since then, they've had two months of working against each other on the road and getting used to each other's fairly-unique movesets. I think Sunday's when they put it all together and show us what two guys this talented are capable of doing.
  

MICKIE JAMES vs. TRISH STRATUS
Women's Title Match

Well: another one where I'm not gonna repeat my bitching by re-telling the whole storyline. Needless to say, I thought things had gotten pretty-badly bungled by the time the WM22 match with these two had come around.... and I'd rather not linger on a storyline that provided the set-up for the WM22 match where Mickie James' victorious finishing hold was.... wait for it.... wait for it.... Fingering Trish Stratus.

So again, we'll pick up where I left off in the last PPV preview, and I've gotta say.... we've gone from the badness heading into WM to the downright confusing. A lot of that is due to the fact that I'm not entirely sure WWE or the writer monkeys thought this through the entire way... more than a few people in the heirarchy might have been caught off guard by the boos Trish got at Mania, and what we've been seeing the past few weeks could just be a poorly-plotted, knee-jerk attempt to fix things. I dunno.

Of course, all that is made oh so much worse by the fact that I've had my finger right on the pulse of things all along and wasn't surprised by the Fan Mutiny at WM, and think I've been supplying pretty spot-on suggestions for where this storyline SHOULD be going for months, now. And instead we've got this mess where story threads seem to be dropped unexpectedly and where fans don't really have a reason to cheer or boo one girl or the other.

The short version of the story: the night after WM22, Mickie James debuted a new Trish Stratus Make-Over, and acted like she thought she was Trish. The next week, Trish surprised Mickie by coming out with a Mickie James make-over. The week after that, Trish-as-Mickie tried to give Mickie-as-Trish a present (which is DEFINITELY one of the times where you have to admit the scenario I offered up would have trumped WWE's storyline by about a thousandfold), and turned it into some kind of lame Captain-Kirk-confusing-a-stupid-android reverse-psychology babbling designed to get Mickie to realize she's NOT Trish Stratus. So of course, after Mickie re-affirms her belief that she IS Trish at the end of that segment, she comes out a week later and admits she was wrong and she knows she's really Mickie James. But Trish was still in full Mickie James attire, to continue taunting Mickie by throwing her own psycho horseshit back into her face.

So: on Sunday will Trish show up AS TRISH because she's accomplished what she's wanted to accomplish? Or will this be Mickie James vs. Trishie James? And if so, are they possibly thinking about a double turn where Trish would actually embrace and encourage whatever boos she gets? And does that open the door to Trish using the Two Fingers of Ecstasy as *her* finishing move, too (just to teach Mickie a lesson, you understand)? And -- most importantly to me -- just how good, fast-paced, hard-hitting of a match can Trish have if she's gotta be concerned about her Mickie-Wig staying put?

At this point, I have no answers to any of those questions, and as such, have no real handle on who to expect to win. But I'm a sucker for Trish six days a week and twice on Sundays, so I'm anxious to find out. Let's all hope for the best....
  

BIG SHOW vs. KANE
Very Special Grudge Match

Show and Kane were partners a month ago at WrestleMania. Then they lost the Tag Team Titles. And then Kane started getting all stupid and Drama Queen-y anytime he heard the date "May 19" (which just so happens to be when his craptastic movie hits theatres).

This has led to Kane wigging out and turning on his own partner. And to Kane wigging out and going after Lillian Garcia till his own partner came out to make the save. And finally to Kane wigging out and gouging out Big Show's left eye this past week when Show was inquiring as to Kane's well-being. [Why is the eye-attack significant? Because, the original title of Kane's movie was "Eye Scream Man" for a reason, and if that doesn't up the already-prodigious Suck Factor of this storyline for you, then I officially declare you Ready For the WWE Writing Staff.]

This really has been an exceptionally bad and cheesy build-up to what doesn't have to be a suckfest. Show's got the personality to hold up the babyface end of the thing, and Kane's gotta be about as good an in-ring Big Man as there's ever been in this business. But no: they've stupided it up, with Kane broadcasting the voices in his head directly over the air on the USA Network and shit like that.

C'est la vie. These two can still have a quality Big Man Match, and there's still time to salvage this whole lame "May 19" thing, too. I'm not making any promises, mind you, I'm just saying it COULD, conceivably, happen.
  

CARLITO vs. CHRIS F. MASTERS
Very Special Grudge Match

Carlito and CFM were actually the opposition for Show and Kane at WM22, but they didn't get the job done, and thus both tag teams in the Tag Title Match at WM are broken up and doing battle here, just one month later. That's probably worthy of an historical footnote of some kind.

The reason Carlito and CFM didn't get the job done at Mania (thus allowing the Spirit Squad to relieve Show/Kane of the titles the next night) is because Masters whacked Carlito in the back of the head at a key juncture of the match. Masters claimed it was accidental at the time, and Carlito ended up taking him at his word that night.

But the next night? When Carlito tried to give Masters a helpful talking-to, Masters attempted to get all smart and talkative. He said that after all the times Carlito has screwed him over (Carlito INSISTS those were all accidents!), maybe Masters made an accident of his own at WM. Or maybe -- he said suggestively -- he didn't.

Carlito instantly assesses the situation and declares that Masters waiting and waiting until they busted their ass to get a Tag Title shot at the biggest show of the year to get his revenge is "the stupidest thing I've ever heard." Amen to that. And with that, we essentially have an official face turn for Carlito, who spends the next couple weeks out-smarting Masters at every turn, which sometimes results with Masters getting apple spit in his face. And when Masters is unlucky and brushes up against fucking up a segment? He got something worse than apple in the face.

Masters' lone moral victory of the past month? When he went partners with Matt Striker and got the better of Carlito. I tend to think that Masters' prospects of getting over at all are linked to WWE's willingness to play up Master's real-life marble-mouthed stupidity, and give him Striker (who does an erudite High School Teacher gimmick) as a mouthpiece/handler. But what do I know?

For now, we've got just Carlito and Masters as the likely participants in Sunday's affair, and I don't know whether to let myself get intrigued or whether to just let my Inner Cynic take over.... because I like Carlito. A lot. But Masters really does suck in ways that few other WWE performers of the past 6-7 years have been allowed to suck without getting yanked off TV; he's fricking Brakkus without the accent. And because what I like about Carlito is not necessarily that he works like he's an in-ring prodigy (but rather his personality combined with a slightly-better-than-adequate arsenal of in-ring skills), I don't know if Carlito is in any position to be the Ring General of this match. In fact, evidence suggests Carlito is NOT quite ready for that, given his string of sketchy outings back last fall (and against better opponents than CFM).

We shall see what happens... the goal here should be WWE trying to advance BOTH men up the ladder, and I think that's possible. For Masters, like I said, it'll take a bit of character-tweaking and an alliance with Striker. For Carlito? Well, he basically just has to keep being Carlito and he'll be OK. Put this one firmly in the "I dunno" pile, too: not only do I dunno who'll win, I don't even know if this one will be fun to watch or if it'll suck balls. Oh the drama~!
  

RIC FLAIR vs. UMAGA
Very Special "What the Hell is an 'Umaga,' Anyway?" Match

Um, let's see if it's possible to slice off just 1/64th of my ass and use it to preview this match:

(1) Ric Flair came out of the Money in the Bank Ladder Match and said that even though he lost, he thought his performance level was still that of a champion and he's still got his sights set on a 17th Title Reign.

(2) Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrrrrrada hopped a plane from Louisville (where he's been one of Paul Heyman's more effective pet projects down in OVW), and interrupted Flair, calling him an old man. And if the Old Man didn't want to get out of the way and make room for younger jet-flying, limousine-riding, kissing-stealing, wheeling-dealing sons of guns (such as Armando himself), then Armando would forcibly MOVE Flair out of the way.

(3) Flair said "bring it on." So Armando brought out "Umaga" (the former Jamal of "3 Minute Warning" doing an 80's throw-back Generic Samoan Heel gimmick), and Umaga destroyed Flair.

(4) Flair went away for 3 weeks, and Umaga spent them generally doing absolutely nothing constructive and totally flopping with fans.

(5) This past Monday, Flair finally returned and did a run-in on Umaga, traumatizing Umaga's man-sac. And from this, a PPV Match was born.

(6) Nobody in the civilized world gives a shit, and this becomes Sunday night's pre-determined piss-break. What a waste of Estrada (who is quite charismatic, and could have been used to get some more-worthwhile, less-80s-riffic piece of talent over), and what a waste of Flair (who's had an inspired 2006 to date, but has nothing to work with here: if he busts ass and loses then he loses to a "nobody," if he busts ass and wins then he just beat a "nobody"; what's the point?).
  

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

With a pretty strong Top 3 Matches and a few decent things on the undercard, this is looking like a packed show.... but as always, you know there'll be a few little things that didn't fit directly into our above predictions that we want to get off our chests. So here goes....
  

 
This is a rare oddly-compelling brand-specific PPV. Maybe not a jim dandy, but compared to where my anticipation level was two weeks ago, I think we oughta give WWE some credit for creating a line-up where I honestly don't know for sure what's gonna happen in the top matches.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: the trick to booking your way up to a PPV is creating a line-up that confuses fans (in the good way), thus leading to intrigue. WWE's great, most of the time, with the "confusing" part of the equation -- what with poor character development and continuity-error-ridden storytelling -- but they got it right this month (at least in the main event). I can appreciate all the discrete elements (workrate, promos, etc.) that go into a good wrestling show, but the simple fact is: if they don't combine to make you care about finding out who wins and loses big matches, then who the fuck cares?

Backlash has, for better or for worse, gotten me pretty interested in a few key outcomes. And I *don't* think that's just carryover interest from this whole ECW thing. We'll see if WWE lives up to this rare PPV Endorsement soon enough, though.... and you know OO will be here with an immediate post-show PPV Recap at some point around midnight (eastern) on Sunday, so I'll see you all then.