There's no point denying it: since being revived by WWE in 2004, the Great American Bash has been snake-bitten.

WWE's first attempt to promote the old NWA/WCW standby featured the mind-numbing WWE Title win by John Bradshaw Layfield (six months before he actually developed into a credible on-screen persona, and made his critics eat some amount of crow) and the WrestleCrap-worthy Undertaker vs. Dudleys (with Paul Bearer Buried In Cement Match). The Spectacle of Suck inspired one of OO's Most Fondly Remembered Columns (an investigative report on the true story behind the baffling booking decisions made at the show).
 

the US Title over Chris Benoit in a 20 minute match that would have tested the patience of the Pope himself. Oh, and let's not forget the logic-mangling nadir of the Eddie/Rey Paternity Feud, either. You think it's not possible for Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio to have a sub-par match? Well, then you didn't see Great American Bash 2005.

So what's 2006 got in store for us? Well, first you have the Great Khali vs. Undertaker in a PPV rematch of one of 2006's three worst matches to date. And the worst part is: this is all EXACTLY according to WWE's plans. This is honestly their idea of worthwhile TV. What *wasn't* part of WWE's plans was Mark Henry getting hurt when he was projected to be one half of the PPV main event (against the returning Batista). In WWE think, I'm sure this is yet another case of the "Curse" of the Bash, but speaking on behalf of most right-thinking fans, I think we'll all secretly consider this a blessing, as we'll almost assuredly end up with a better match as a result of Mark Henry not being in it. And honestly: WWE won't be losing a single dime or a single iota of fan interest with Ken Kennedy replacing Henry.... Batista was the drawing card here, not Henry.

But even with these issues facing the Bash, a very real case could be made that the Great American Bash 2006 is poised to become one of the more surprising PPVs of the year. Outside of Taker/Khali, there's no reason for any match on this show to be less than solidly entertaining. Given enough time (and provided WWE's crappy storytelling/character development hasn't robbed these matches of their crowd heat and sizzle), there's contests on the undercard that might even blow you away.

However: as regular viewers of SmackDown! (myself included) can tell you... putting together competitive 15 minute matches is NOT the end all and be all of compelling Sports Entertainment. Putting together competitive 15 minute matches that fans CARE ABOUT is... despite all the in-ring promise in the world, the Bash may end up suffering the same fate as roughly two-thirds of episodes of SD! do: leaving fans to appreciate it, without actually having been ENTERTAINED by it. It's an important distinction.

That said, there's a distinction to be made among fans, too: some folks'll devour 15 minute matches devoid of storyline context, star power, or live crowd heat, just because what they like is the wrestling.... other folks'll need those extra elements of sizzle before they decide they got their $40 worth of entertainment. I admit to being firmly in the latter group, but I know the former group is well-represented here on the interweb.

I often say that I consider OO's job to be "polishing turds" when WWE itself can't be bothered to present the best possible product. In this case, I'm feeling kinda stumped on how I can really "sell" the Bash to fans of the more broad-based product with Actual Storylines Behind Matches and Drama Related to the Outcome (cuz the Bash is woefully short on those things), but I feel VERY confident in speaking to the folks who just flat-out like their Wrestling and telling them that they'll find nothing wrong with this PPV line-up.

I don't know if that counts as polishing half-the-turd, or half-polishing the whole turd, or just spraying some Glade into the room to create a smokescreen so it LOOKS like I've taken care of the turd.... but it's something, isn't it?

Let's get the trOOps assembled (god bless the two super-late entries! I thought I was gonna have to start making up PPV picks and attributing them to other people in order to have more sets of predictions than the TNA Previews do!), and as is our custom, we'll break this show down, examine it from every angle, and deliver you the most comprehensive PPV Preview anywhere. Here's our takes on the as-announced Great American Bash line-up:
 

REY MYSTERIO vs. BOOKER T
World "Heavyweight" Title Match 

Right here's your poster child for "Being a Bit Lacking in the Storyline Department." And it's only your PPV's main event. D'oh.
 
Were I a dick, I'd summarize the background to this match thusly: World Champion Mysterio has spent the last 2 months getting his ass kicked by positively everybody (but mostly JBL and Mark Henry). Then Booker T won a Battle Royale to become the #1 Contender. So now they're fighting on PPV.

But since I'm not a dick, I'll.... ummm.... errrrr.... wait.... is there any better way to tell the story?

Let's see: Rey had been feuding with JBL, and after getting his ass kicked, he got an assist from Chavo Guerrero and not only beat JBL, but vanquished him in a "Loser Leaves SD!" Match (JBL quickly resurfaced as SD!'s surprisingly-amusing color commentator). Then Rey started getting his ass kicked by Mark Henry on a weekly basis, but when it finally came down to a Title match, Chavo Guerrero again lent a hand (this time, getting Rey disqualified so at least he held onto the title). Then, before Mark could raise too much of a stink about how unfair the whole situation was, Batista came back and wanted him a piece of Henry, which left Teddy Long to book a #1 Contender Battle Royale.

And in a battle of the "royale" kind? It was fait acompli that "King" Booker would win. In the two weeks since Booker's win, he cut a promo on Rey (predicting victory, of course), which led to Rey running out and actually getting the better of Booker in a brief brawl. And then, just later tonight (oh, these stupid verb tenses, when SD! has yet to air here in the US, but has already been "precapped" here on OO), Booker will decide (decided?) that he doesn't want to wait till Sunday so he will challenge (challenged?) Rey to a non-title match. And Rey will win (won?), but only thanks to yet another assist from Chavo Guerrero.

Two things of note: (1) the past two weeks are pretty much the first time since WrestleMania that Rey has been booked to look at all credible or competent as champion. That said, he successfully retained the title when it mattered despite being booked weakly, so what does it say when WWE reverses fields and books him strongly all of a sudden? And (2) looking over the past few months worth of developments, it sure does seem like the "retired" Chavo Guerrero is as big a part of this story as Rey and Booker are. He's been pulling the drama queen act, all broken up over his own shortcomings and disgracing of the Guerrero family name, but has always had Rey's back since his "retirement." Will Chavo continue to act as a counter balance here (off-setting the likely interference from Booker's "Royal Court" of Regal and Finlay), or is there another shoe yet to drop?

If there's one match on the card that I'm gonna be sorry that I miss (if I do decide to take a pass on the Bash), this'll be it. It's just damned near impossible for Rey to have a bad match, and Booker's been rejuvenated the past six months (both in the ring, and ESPECIALLY with his killer/obnoxious "King" gimmick). Even if the fans decide to take a pass on every other match on the show, I guarantee that the pieces are in place for them to come alive and make sure this main event has all the Big Time Atmosphere and Sizzle you could ask for, and there's no doubt Rey and Booker will bring the goods to keep them crackling for 20 minutes or more.

And plus: it's always fun when you don't know who's gonna win, and that's something WWE has a problem with these days. But here: we know Batista's gonna be the next #1 Contender, but there are very viable storylines with both Rey and Booker going forward as the champ, so you can definitely contemplate either outcome and the myriad different ways you could get to either outcome. I dig that.
  

BATISTA vs. KEN KENNEDY
Very Special "Not That We're Happy Mark Henry Got Injured, or Anything, but.... Well... Y'know...." Match 

Well, so Batista got hurt back late last October, but after Eddie Guerrero's untimely death, he had to work through that injury. But in so doing, he was overcompensating for one injured shoulder/lat by putting too much stress on his uninjured arm. In a house show match against Mark Henry (who is quite the large man to be throwing him around the ring), that extra stress caused the tricep in Batista's uninjured arm to tear.

That spelled "Get Thee To The Surgeon," as no amount of Batista's pride was gonna help him put on believable performances with the double injury. So after contributing for-real to Batista's injury, Mark Henry was booked to do an additional angle on TV, in which he brutalized Batista and put him on the injured list.

Henry continued his (scripted) path of rage by injuring plenty of others (most notably Chris Benoit), and was in general pushed as SD!'s top heel for a while.... and just look what that did for house show attendance and TV ratings! But finally, after six months, Batista was given a clean bill of health, and returned to TV to challenge the man who injured him.

A PPV match was set. 

It was certain to be Dave Batista's finest hour, finally vanquishing his hated foe.

Until Mark Henry continued his Path of Rage by injuring himself.

Henry took a misstep while grappling with Rey Mysterio, and wound up cracking his kneecap and rupturing the patella tendon. Diagnosis: eight months on the shelf.

So WWE had to scramble. They had Batista issue an Open Challenge. And then Ken Kennedy will have just been answering it several hours from now on SD!... Kennedy, a rare shining star among WWE's newer slate of developmental call-ups, had been unpinned in nearly 10 months since debuting, which would have made him a VERY intriguing opponent for Batista. Sadly, Kennedy ended up in somebody's doghouse backstage, and due to the petty posturing that is common in wrestling frat-style/tenure-based mentality, WWE had Kennedy go on TV just a week ago and get pinned by Matt Hardy. Yep, *that* Matt Hardy, the one who hasn't been relevant in six months.

It sure would have been nice for there to be a story of SOME kind behind this match, and though it would have been a lot more dramatic and impactful to have Batista be the one to pop this particular cherry of Kennedy's, we still just gotta take a bit of solace in the fact that the end result should still be a better match than we would have gotten between Batista and Henry. That is: unless Kennedy's still in the doghouse, and they're gonna use this match to teach him another lesson. Such as the lesson "How to Job to Batista in Under 90 Seconds."

Given how thin the PPV line-up is, though, I'm not sure I see them turning this match into an all-out squash. I'd try to dust the Hardy loss under the rug as much as possible, give Kennedy every shred of gravitas you can (including the return of his Full Length Ring Introductions, and none of this watered down crap he's been doing the past month), and then turn it into a hard-fought battle which Batista manages to win cleanly. If they do that, I can see this working out pretty well: Kennedy may not be Chris Benoit, but he's got more in the bag o' tricks that you generally get to see on throw-away Friday night matches, and Batista's the kind of power opponent who could open things up for Kennedy to work as the smaller/faster man and showcase some of those other aspects of his game.
 
Put on the pile labeled "Shouldn't Suck, But Will Anybody Care?"....
  

FIT FINLAY vs. BOBBY LASHLEY vs. WILLIAM REGAL
US Title Match 

Going back to this past winter, Finlay and Bobby Lashley have simply not seen eye-to-eye. In storylines, that's meant countless perturbations of hostilities keeping them together. In "real life," that's meant that the ultra-promising-but-inexperienced Lashley has gotten about 6 straight months of working exclusively with one of pro wrestling's most respected and effective mentors and teachers in Finlay.

The result is that this has actually never gotten too tired, and if anything, seems to be getting better with time.

It all goes back to January or February, when Chris Benoit and JBL were butting heads over the US Title... but Benoit also had cursory issues with Finlay, which led to JBL and Finlay forming a bit of an alliance. Lashley had also had his issues with JBL, and became Benoit's back-up. The four of them went around a few different ways, until JBL and Lashley had a one-on-one match at No Way Out. And in that match, Finlay showed up to help JBL score the win. It was the first time Lashley had been pinned, and it stuck in his craw.

While JBL moved on to wrest the US Title away from Benoit, Lashley got some measure of payback by facing Finlay... and then Lashley decided to move on to challenge JBL for the US Title, which he did in May. After winning the the strap, Lashley found himself in the King of the Ring tournament, where he once again crossed paths with Finlay. And again, Lashley meted out revenge by defeating Finlay in the semi-finals. But this didn't sit well with Finlay, who gained his revenge by once again spoiling things for Lashley, costing Lashley the King's crown in the final match against Booker T.

Not only did this re-open hostilities betwixt Lashley and Finlay (perhaps the most compelling hostilities yet), but it set up Finlay as an ally of King Booker's. With the addition of Sir William Regal to his court, Booker was well-guarded by two stalwart subjects. Regal and Finlay worked well together when teamed, but they're not necessarily bosom buddies. This three-way match was signed while Lashley still held the US Title, with the implication being that Regal and Finlay would work together to bring the gold back to Booker's court.

But then, in a one-on-one match with Lashley, Finlay successfully wrested the US Title away just last week (with help from no one except his midget). Now Finlay's the champ, and the dynamic changes a bit. With Regal coming up short in a match against Rey Mysterio, and in general seeming like the low man on the totem pole, it creates some interesting scenarios. Can Regal and Finlay work together? And when they can't, which one of them is treated as the babyface? My money's on the guy with the hilarious midget! [Plus, Regal's too important to the obnoxious grandeur that is King Booker.]

I'm not entirely sure how this'll click with the crowd (as I'm off the opinion that they've kinda asked a bit much of Lashley in that department), but the match itself oughta be super-crisp. There's no combination of these three that shouldn't deliver the goods, and you throw in the Little Bastard and the Finlay/Regal dynamic for entertainment value, and you just might have a sleeper here. Or you might just have a forgettable 15 minute Friday Night Special. Could go either way.
  

UNDERTAKER vs. THE GREAT KHALI
Punjabi Prison Match 

So Daivari has been the Undertaker's bitch for about a year now. In fact, it was at the Bash last year that Taker vanquished Muhammad Hassan to the land of wind and ghosts. Daivari disappeared, regrouped, and eventually tried to lead Mark Henry against Taker to get revenge. No dice. So the next step was bringing in this Khali character in April.

And finally, Daivari got his revenge. Kind of. Khali pinned Taker in one of the shittiest matches of 2006 back at Judgment Day. The story is that Taker has never been in the ring with anybody this big and intimidating before, and he was off his game. After the (clean) pinfall loss, Taker disappeared for about 2 months. Khali continued stinking up the joint, and for some reason, Daivari couldn't let sleeping dogs lie. He issued a challenge to the Undertaker so that Khali could "finish the job."

The challenge was for a "Punjabi Prison Match" which has yet to be discussed or explained in even the vaguest of terms, which means WWE's probably still making it up as we speak. Pragmatically, any props should give Taker a bit more to work with to render this match more tolerable than the last one. But also pragmatically: the only way for this match to rise above "god awful" will be to keep it under 5 minutes.

Sadly: that's unlikely to happen. A late twist to the story also introduces the possibilities of a run-in/interference (which is important, since it's likely the gimmick of the match will include no DQs).... Taker went to ECW to challenge the Big Show for the ECW Title this week. He came up short, but only because of a run-in by Khali. And then: Taker was "brutally" double-teamed by Show and Khali to wrap up the post-match shenanigans. Does Show still want him some of Taker? Wouldn't totally surprise me....

There's no way I can polish this turd, not for any portion of the audience. So me stop talking now.
  

PAUL LONDON/SPANKY KENDRICK vs. JAMIE NOBLE/KID KASH
Tag Team Title Match 

The names have changed, but the story remains the same. Although MNM is gone, the SD! Standard Operating Procedure For Tag Team Feuding is still in place. Champions finish off one feud, and the very next week lose a non-title match to a new team, kicking off a new feud. Sprinkle with singles matches, cook for 6 weeks, and voila, you have a PPV Tag Title Match.

In this case, as soon as London and Kendrick did dispose of MNM once and for all, they were beaten on SD! by the relatively new team of Noble and Kash (who are, for some reason, insisting on wearing dubious S&M gear and calling themselves "The Pitbulls," which could not be any less convincing or fitting for them).

This firmly established Noble and Kash as the #1 Contenders, and they've only solidified that status with successful singles matches in the past two weeks. Noble beat London a week ago, while Kash will already have beatened Kendrick later on tonight on SD!.

There's no denying what these four could do if the handcuffs are taken off and they get 15-plus minutes of PPV time to deliver the goods... but there's also no denying that not a one of these four has cut a promo, developed a character, or in any other way connected with the audience in a way that'll guarantee the kind of atmosphere you need for a truly blow-away match.
  

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS  

Although only five matches were originally announced earlier this week when the staff of OO assembled to make their picks, WWE has since added two more matches.... some of the trOOps may see fit to talk about those added features (if they're the Spoilin' Type), or they may have accurately guessed at what WWE would add, or they might share other ideas for how WWE might pad out this somewhat-anemic-looking 7 match card.
  

One way or the other, OO should have full Great American Bash results and recappage for you at some point Sunday night. Then you'll get any additional fall-out and analysis that is appropriate when I see you kids again on Monday, in a standard OO column. 

Till then....